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I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
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Topic: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF (Read 2094 times)
backAnd4th
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I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
on:
June 07, 2017, 01:51:30 PM »
Hello. I am new to the board.
I dated a girl for about a year. She was very intensely attracted to me and our relationship became romantic/sexual very quickly, before it became official even. It was a very turbulent relationship that I put a lot of effort into, but it never felt like enough. I became frustrated with her (and myself) and started to respond to her mood swings with talks about breaking up. We went off-and-on a few times during our year of dating. During one of those off times, she slept with one of my friends. It hurt me a lot and damaged my relationship with both her and that friend of mine, to the point where I felt like it would be impossible to recover, and I attempted to remove her from my life.
Only in retrospect did I realize that she almost certainly has BPD. All of the symptoms were there - intense attraction/obsession, constant insatiable desire for attention, reckless behavior with regard to sex, jealousy, skepticism about my interest/commitment to her and the relationship, etc. I did not know what BPD was until after I broke up with her and reading about it was like reading about her almost exactly.
After a few months of NC, I built the bridge to reconnect with her, which made her extremely happy. (I never got to experience the "devaluation" phase that I've read about because I ended it before that could happen.) In reconnecting with her, as well as learning more about what causes her to act the way she does, I realized that I am still madly in love with her and am willing to work harder than ever to try and make a relationship work.
The problem is that she almost immediately displaced all of her affection for/attachment to me onto someone else - someone I know that is remarkably similar to me. I am reasonably confident that their relationship is ultimately doomed, for a variety of reasons. There are just too many things that will get in the way eventually, the biggest of which is that I am certain he is unaware of what BPD is and that she will exhibit symptoms of it. Despite her new relationship (and how happy she claims to be in it), she is still in extremely frequent contact with me. She reaches out to me almost daily. We've spent time together a few times in person - all at her request. The mood between us is light, fun, friendly, and platonic (i.e. no flirting, which neither of us were ever that good at anyway), but I'm blown away at how much she seems to want to be in contact with me. Our sex life was slightly above average (but still with some problems). I suspect that she is still attracted to me sexually, but that it's being suppressed because of her infatuation with her new guy. I suspect that a majority of their relationship is based on sex. I made it clear that I was still very much into her and that I still wanted to date her, and I got more or less shut down because she's interested in this new guy.
I am almost certain that I'm being kept around to be recycled. During our NC period I've made some great strides towards improving myself (largely in the area of health and fitness). I am certain that some of the problems our sex life had during our relationship would be much more manageable now. I still believe in our strong emotional connection (evidenced by her desire to talk to me every day) and I believe that we are an incredible match. Now that I'm aware of BPD and can properly seek out advice on how to cope with a BPD partner, I am confident that our relationship would be better than ever and I'm willing to put in the work for it. I think she is very worth it. So, being on the bench to potentially be recycled later is giving me some mixed feelings.
On one hand, it's flattering that she wants me in her life so bad. It makes me feel like eventually I will have another chance at a relationship with her, and that I just have to be patient. That part of me wants to just tough it out and continue to focus on myself but still try to play a role in her life.
On the other hand, if her new relationship really is making her happy, that means that she's choosing someone else over me, but still essentially asking me for attention by talking to me every day. It makes me feel like she doesn't respect me enough and that she might actually not be attracted to me any more, and is just walking all over me for the attention that I'm willing to give her now. That part of me wants to withdraw almost entirely and drastically reduce the amount of my attention that I give her. I could see it
I don't know what to do. Even though I have doubts about her new relationship, I still want to respect it, so I don't want to push her too hard to come back to me. That said, she was always skeptical of how much I actually liked her, so if I don't demonstrate that I'm interested, she could assume that I don't genuinely like her for her and that I just want to be friends.
I understand that I might never get her back, but I really really want her back. I just don't know the best way to go about doing it.
Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Does anybody have any advice? Thank you for reading.
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Meili
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #1 on:
June 08, 2017, 01:46:07 PM »
I think that it's safe to say that many of us have been in similar situations. We have all wondered what was motivating our person who exhibits BPD traits as far as we were concerned and what role we might play in their future. Honestly, it's best to just stop wondering because you'll never know for sure.
Let's stop thinking about her, her thoughts, and her motivations for the moment; let's talk about yours: How is it that you want this to play out?
You stated your desired end goal (to start a new relationship with her), and you mentioned a couple of alternative paths to follow; which one is it that you want to follow?
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backAnd4th
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #2 on:
June 08, 2017, 02:50:49 PM »
Thanks for your reply.
I can see my life playing out in a small handful of ways:
1) at some point my uBPD ex and I get back together and, knowing what I know now, I have a much better shot of helping her learn about and manage her disorder, and can manage the relationship better and... .
1a) it works, and although the road is tough, we are happy together.
1b) it doesn't work, continues to be a struggle for both of us, and wastes many months/years of our lives.
2) I let go of her and move on, and look for happiness and fulfillment elsewhere. While this is happening... .
2a) I resume NC as best I can and, essentially, abandon her again. This would not make her happy I am sure. It's also extremely difficult because she is a very prominent figure in my social circle and I cannot change that without leaving it myself (which I'm currently not willing to do).
2b) I stay in contact with her and continue to be her backup plan (and, in a twisted way, keep her as mine). In this case I would be scared of what her communications would be like if I did end up moving on.
Right now, as I'm still in love, I'd obviously prefer scenario 1a. I'm also feeling a lot of time pressure. I'm in my 30s (and so is she). I genuinely feel like the effort required (on my end) to make scenario 1a work is preferable to the effort required in either 2a or 2b - it's hard work to cut someone out, especially if the logistics of your social circle mean that you'll be unable to truly keep her out of sight and out of mind, and it's even harder work for someone like me (who is not particularly attractive or skilled at interacting with people) to start all over again. I'm confident that I could eventually meet someone, but I don't feel like I could find someone who is as much of a total package as she is.
I am defaulting to scenario 2b) right now, mostly because it is easy. It's not impacting my ability to function in my day to day life and I'm still generally accomplishing the other things I want to accomplish. I suspect that 2a) might be healthier overall (at the very least for me, and maybe for both of us), but in my mind it's definitely the hardest and least "fun" option (since 1b) would still come attached with moments of intimacy that made our relationship so much fun in the first place).
In any case, she definitely does not know she might have BPD and I do not want to tell her or anyone close to her unless we're in a relationship again, or I've fully moved on. I feel like it's powerful information to know someone's behavior patterns and what troubles them emotionally, and can be used for either good (helping her get better and be happy in a relationship, which would make me feel bad as that's what I want to do right now and I don't want to help someone else do it unless I've already found happiness), or evil (using the info to exploit her patterns for selfish gain, which definitely would not help her). Is it wrong to feel that way?
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Meili
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #3 on:
June 08, 2017, 03:12:40 PM »
What about scenario 3? You continue to live your life, focus on yourself and your future, learn everything that you can about BPD, people who express traits of BPD, learn healthier communication skills (we all can do that regardless of where we're at in life), maintain light contact with her while she figures out what she wants to do, and enjoy yourself in the process?
At the end of the day, confident and healthy people are attractive people. She's got a new guy right now, so you're less attractive to her. Make yourself more attractive by living a healthier, more confident life.
What would that look like to you?
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backAnd4th
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #4 on:
June 09, 2017, 12:05:08 AM »
It looks a lot like the scenario 2b) that I outlined, except with more focus on myself. The problem is that I feel trapped by her. She continues to message me with alarming frequency. If I respond to all of her messages, then I look even less attractive to her than I do now, essentially being her emotional outlet while she has this other guy to be her physical outlet. That feels really bad for me and I don't want that. If I don't respond to her messages as frequently (i.e. if I choose not to respond even once), then I will trigger her anxiety and she flips out. I have already seen this happen once. I have no clue how to achieve any kind of balance.
I thought about telling her directly something like, "hey listen, I'm not your boyfriend right now and it's kind of disrespectful to him to be talking to me as much as you do. We can still be friends but I think you need to focus on your relationship more." Maybe not worded exactly like that, but something along those lines. I am afraid that I will be unable to find the right message/delivery to convey what needs to be conveyed, without a confrontation. I am also afraid that anything I say will just drive her further into her new boyfriend and away from me.
I do like and appreciate your input. Thanks very much for your responses.
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heartandwhole
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #5 on:
June 09, 2017, 08:01:29 AM »
Hi backAnd4th,
Quote from: backAnd4th on June 09, 2017, 12:05:08 AM
If I don't respond to her messages as frequently (i.e. if I choose not to respond even once), then I will trigger her anxiety and she flips out. I have already seen this happen once. I have no clue how to achieve any kind of balance.
It IS hard to find balance, especially given that you would like to rekindle the relationship if and when she becomes available again. I can really understand your not wanting that much contact—to me it would feel like we were still romantic partners, but only emotionally and at a distance.
Quote from: backAnd4th on June 09, 2017, 12:05:08 AM
I thought about telling her directly something like, "hey listen, I'm not your boyfriend right now and it's kind of disrespectful to him to be talking to me as much as you do. We can still be friends but I think you need to focus on your relationship more." Maybe not worded exactly like that, but something along those lines. I am afraid that I will be unable to find the right message/delivery to convey what needs to be conveyed, without a confrontation. I am also afraid that anything I say will just drive her further into her new boyfriend and away from me.
I know what you mean. Walking on eggshells, though, just causes you more pain, and doesn't help your relationship, either. I recommend thinking about your own needs in this situation, and not trying to control the outcome—that is a recipe for major disappointment, in my experience. What amount of communication would feel balanced to you? Then you can communicate it to her, using something like
S.E.T.
If you'd like to communicate a boundary around the frequency of communication, maybe something along these lines would work (in your own words, of course):
"You are important to me and I enjoy our communications. I understand that you like feeling connected to me, and I do to you, too. I have found the daily contact, however, difficult to deal with emotionally. I'll be responding a bit less often than I have been, so that I'll feel more balanced. It will help me be the best friend I can be to you at the moment, which is something I really want to be."
I think keeping the focus on you will lessen the likelihood that she will feel blamed.
What do you think?
heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Meili
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #6 on:
June 09, 2017, 10:13:17 AM »
Quote from: backAnd4th on June 09, 2017, 12:05:08 AM
It looks a lot like the scenario 2b) that I outlined, except with more focus on myself. The problem is that I feel trapped by her.
YOU
are important in all of this and your focusing on yourself is important. It not only helps your self-esteem, but is one of the best things that you can do to give you the best chance at salvaging the relationship.
Long ago, I was taught that we teach others how to treat us. What do you think that you are teaching her by being available to her on her whim?
Quote from: backAnd4th on June 09, 2017, 12:05:08 AM
If I don't respond to her messages as frequently (i.e. if I choose not to respond even once), then I will trigger her anxiety and she flips out.
It sounds like what you are describing here is what we call an
Extinction Burst
. They frequently happen when a non establishes a boundary with a pwBPD. The pwBPD is not used to the new behavior and reacts emotionally. Rages, disappearing acts, silent treatment, etc. are some typical responses to Extinction Burst. They are maladaptive coping mechanisms designed to strike fear in the non (manipulation). The non is often times so afraid of losing the pwBPD that they allow the boundary to be ignored. The pwBPD learns that if they continue to act out, the non will continue to give in. The boundary becomes meaningless, the non becomes a doormat, and the pwBPD loses respect for the non.
Does that seem to fit your situation?
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backAnd4th
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #7 on:
June 09, 2017, 09:13:36 PM »
Quote from: Meili on June 09, 2017, 10:13:17 AM
YOU
are important in all of this and your focusing on yourself is important. It not only helps your self-esteem, but is one of the best things that you can do to give you the best chance at salvaging the relationship.
Long ago, I was taught that we teach others how to treat us. What do you think that you are teaching her by being available to her on her whim?
It sounds like what you are describing here is what we call an
Extinction Burst
. They frequently happen when a non establishes a boundary with a pwBPD. The pwBPD is not used to the new behavior and reacts emotionally. Rages, disappearing acts, silent treatment, etc. are some typical responses to Extinction Burst. They are maladaptive coping mechanisms designed to strike fear in the non (manipulation). The non is often times so afraid of losing the pwBPD that they allow the boundary to be ignored. The pwBPD learns that if they continue to act out, the non will continue to give in. The boundary becomes meaningless, the non becomes a doormat, and the pwBPD loses respect for the non.
Does that seem to fit your situation?
Almost perfectly. I wasn't familiar with Extinction Bursts before but I'm experiencing them as we speak. It's fascinating behavior. That said, I still don't know how to respond to them. She immediately became suspicious of my non-response and is confronting me about it. I feel like any response at all from me is "giving in" like you mentioned.
Also, heartandwhole, thanks so much for your response. I had never heard of S.E.T. before and I enjoyed reading about that too. I do feel like being direct using something along the lines of the script you wrote is for the best, but I still feel really uncomfortable just saying it out of nowhere - all of the communication up until this point has been pretty normal (although VERY frequent). It's exhausting to keep it up, but it's also exhausting to just immediately cut it off or to bluntly request less communication out of nowhere. Which is why I was saying that I feel trapped.
Do either/both of you think that a message like that is the best approach? Do you have any other advice for what to say or how to say it?
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40days_in_desert
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #8 on:
June 10, 2017, 01:45:03 PM »
I'm not usually on this board but thought I would post one thing. Whatever she does for you she will do to you. She's talking to you while in another relationship. Most likely will do the same to you if you get back together. She may have already when you were together the first time.
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“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
heartandwhole
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #9 on:
June 11, 2017, 11:48:30 AM »
Hi backAnd4th,
I can understand not wanting to come out of the blue with this change. But something's got to give, right? As Meili said, you are important in this situation. Sacrificing your own needs and values when she is in another relationship is not a good foundation to build on, in my opinion.
Maybe you could start to reduce your communication little by little? If she calls you on it, try your best not to
JADE
(justify, argue, defend, or explain).
A pwBPD needs more validation than most, so listen to her and acknowledge her feelings without trying to fix them. That's not your job. If she asks you directly to keep communicating with this high frequency, then you can tell her your feelings about it and that it's not working for you, as things currently stand.
There are tons of communication skills on this site, and many on the right sidebar----->
Check them out, because they will really help in this situation you've described, but also in all your relationships going forward.
Are you nervous that if you reduce communication that she will cut you off?
heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
AnuDay
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #10 on:
June 11, 2017, 12:02:20 PM »
You mentioned sex a number of times.
Truthfully, what is it you love about her so much.?
Relationship cant last on that. Lets get past this immaturity stage. Is she nice thoughtful and kind. Is she free spirited? Why do you want to be with someone with BPD who has dumped you? Do you enjoy abuse?
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backAnd4th
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #11 on:
June 11, 2017, 03:32:35 PM »
Quote from: heartandwhole on June 11, 2017, 11:48:30 AM
Are you nervous that if you reduce communication that she will cut you off?
Not exactly. I am a little nervous that I'll drive her further into the arms of the other guy. But when we originally broke up, I just wanted her to disappear completely. As it turns out, that wasn't realistic at all. The nature of our social circle was such that I couldn't go for more than a few days without hearing about her.
As it turns out, it only took one day of reduced contact to have her become paranoid and call me out on it (multiple times). I did the best I could to deflect it without overexplaining or justifying myself.
Quote from: AnuDay on June 11, 2017, 12:02:20 PM
You mentioned sex a number of times.
Truthfully, what is it you love about her so much.?
Relationship cant last on that. Lets get past this immaturity stage. Is she nice thoughtful and kind. Is she free spirited? Why do you want to be with someone with BPD who has dumped you? Do you enjoy abuse?
I think that she is utterly fantastic. She has a lot of good qualities - brilliant, beautiful, likes all the same activities I do, our tastes and humor line up in a pleasing way... .I could go on. And that is to say nothing of sex, which was also incredible. I'm confident that I'll be able to meet other women, but I am not confident I'll be able to find someone that checks off as many boxes as she does in the remainder of my dating life.
Also re: dumping, I was the one who broke it off originally. It was in response to some BPD-esque behavior that, at the time, I didn't fully understand, and thought that no normal person who really cared about me would engage in. When I learned about BPD and its symptoms, her actions started to make a lot more sense. I want to try again so bad because I feel like with a greater understanding of what her thoughts and patterns are, we have a much better chance of succeeding.
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heartandwhole
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #12 on:
June 11, 2017, 03:40:31 PM »
So where do things stand now, backAnd4th?
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backAnd4th
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #13 on:
June 11, 2017, 06:28:09 PM »
Quote from: heartandwhole on June 11, 2017, 03:40:31 PM
So where do things stand now, backAnd4th?
Over the past few days I've attempted to reduce our communications by responding to her messages less. She has definitely noticed and is becoming paranoid about it. If she asks me about it again I'm planning on being direct and saying that we need to communicate less because it feels to me like we are in a relationship and we are not. I'm planning on telling her that she should be getting the things she is getting from me from her boyfriend, since getting two different kinds of validation from the both of us isn't fair to either of us. I'll also clarify that I care a lot about her and I'm happy to be in her life (unlike when we broke up and I blocked her) but the frequency is not sustainable for friendship right now.
Do you think this is wise?
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AnuDay
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #14 on:
June 11, 2017, 09:50:31 PM »
umm... .I'm a little bit leary here. You broke up with her, probably rightfully so. She found another boyfriend, you didn't move on and now you want advice on how to break up her relationship and get back with you?
This is quite a difficult topic. I really really don't think that you want to go down this road.
First of all, the other guy will always be around. She will NEVER fully let go of him to rely on you unless you save her from a falling airplane or something else extreme. Can you handle just being her number 2 guy for now? Maybe something will happen where she will be available and you will be available in the future.
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backAnd4th
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #15 on:
June 12, 2017, 04:22:45 AM »
Well I did it, I attempted to set a boundary.
She asked me for a third time why I was reading her messages and not responding to them, and I decided to be direct. I said that we were having relationship level communication, which isn't healthy for someone that isn't your boyfriend. She didn't understand and didn't see the issue with talking to me, but I said that if she really happy with her relationship she should be getting all the attention and support she needs from her boyfriend. She was concerned that I was mad at her and that I would block her again, and I assured her that wasn't the case.
It didn't feel good. It was hard. And I don't think she understood or saw any problems with having such frequent communications with her ex boyfriend. But I think it needed to happen. I'm just worried that it was counterproductive to what I want.
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heartandwhole
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #16 on:
June 12, 2017, 06:47:04 AM »
Quote from: backAnd4th on June 12, 2017, 04:22:45 AM
It didn't feel good. It was hard. And I don't think she understood or saw any problems with having such frequent communications with her ex boyfriend. But I think it needed to happen. I'm just worried that it was counterproductive to what I want.
I'm sure it didn't feel good, backAnd4th. And I'm sure she doesn't see a problem talking to you with such frequency. But you did see a problem, and you clarified to her what it was.
I hope what you want is emotional health and wellbeing for yourself, and a relationship that will nurture that. Just "getting her back," isn't enough, in my view, but that's just my opinion.
heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
AnuDay
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #17 on:
June 14, 2017, 07:31:11 PM »
I am still leery on giving advice on this one.
All I can say is that the boundary that you set was to protect your emotional health... .correct?
If that's the case then don't worry about how she feels about it or whether or not it will get her back.
I believe with pwBPD that boundaries are fundamental.
Let's see how she reacts to your new boundaries.
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Sprout2
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #18 on:
June 15, 2017, 01:18:22 AM »
I don't want to give advice being that I am a doormat with my BPD wife, however it has taken me a long time to realize that I Have never loved anyone like I love her . She filled all the needs I was craving from what I missed in my youth. I have had other relationships including a marriage of 24 years before her but she completed everything I had ever wanted. Like a drug I still want her at any cost. I read a great book called Facing Love Addition by Pia Mellody - recommended from my counselor. It helped me see how my love expectations fit her into near perfection to the point I downplayed her abuse and actions. It was easier to look past things than to deal with the potential loss of her love. I was scared of being alone. You need to love yourself and realize that you can find someone who can treat you the way you should, and want to be treated all in a heathy way. You deserve that! Let her go and find someone who can fully fulfill what you need.
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backAnd4th
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11
Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #19 on:
June 20, 2017, 10:59:48 AM »
Thanks for the replies.
I left things in a weird place. She did not react well to the boundary I tried to set. After calming down from all the rage reactions (angry messages, blocking on social media, etc.) I had a very calm chat with her. She expressed that she still wanted to be really really close to me. I responded by saying that is something that is not impossible, but is very difficult for me right now. She said she was trying very hard to find an activity we could share. Then, I responded with some innuendo - saying that there's another activity that I want to share but can't any more (referring to sex). She didn't get it and I told her to forget about it, but she insisted, so I told her directly I was referring to sex. That made her uncomfortable and the conversation concluded shortly after that. I got an angry voicemail a few hours later, I sent a message apologizing two days after that, and those were our last communications.
So, I feel like I crossed a boundary of hers. I feel bad and am sorry that I made her uncomfortable, but at the same time, if I had to cross one of her boundaries to demonstrate that I have my own, perhaps it was a good thing. I just don't like the idea of being "split black" so to speak - I feel like I look like the bad guy here right now and it is an awful feeling. I can't help but feel like she's painting me black to all the other people she talks to, and that those people are telling her not to talk to me ever again (which isn't exactly what I want).
I am not sure what to do next. Logically, it feels like she will eventually reach out again, since it lines up with her patterns, but emotionally I feel like she really will never want to talk to me again. I certainly don't mind the space, but the fact that I feel like I left things on such bad terms makes it that much harder to enjoy it.
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jhkbuzz
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #20 on:
June 20, 2017, 12:19:47 PM »
Excerpt
I can see my life playing out in a small handful of ways:
1) at some point my uBPD ex and I get back together and, knowing what I know now,
I have a much better shot of helping her learn about and manage her disorder, and can manage the relationship better
and... .
1a) it works, and although the road is tough, we are happy together.
1b) it doesn't work, continues to be a struggle for both of us, and wastes many months/years of our lives.
There is an error in your thinking that no one has pointed out to you, and it is this: that your
understanding
of her disorder will make the r/s work. As they say, it takes two to tango.
I was in an 8 year r/s with undiagnosed BPDgf. It began much the way yours did: very fast, very intense, very awesome. I couldn't believe my luck; I felt like I had been waiting for her for my entire life. We moved in together about 9 months later.
There were lots of red flags which I ignored. Neediness. Child-like behavior. Dissociative episodes. But in-between? It could still be awesome. However, in the last two-ish years of the r/s (call me slow!) I began to recognize - really recognize - that she was unstable. That mental health issues were at play, and had
always
been. (Before that, I believed her when she said that I was the problem).
She cheated about 4 years into the r/s. We were having some problems at the time, and I thought long and hard about whether the cheating was the result of a fatal character flaw, or a "mistake" borne of frustration with our r/s. I decided the latter, decided to forgive her, and tried to forge ahead.
Fast forward several years later; I found out about the second affair. Just after the affair (but before I knew that it was more than "coffee and a kiss", she agreed to get into therapy. She was happy to go and used to share some of the things her therapist told her, or the realizations she had come to. She had also agreed to stop communicating with her affair partner.
She had been in therapy for a year, and I was hopeful. However, she ran a half marathon one weekend and, when I looked at the pictures the organizers posted online, I saw her affair partner in the pictures. She swore that the affair had ended, but they remained in touch. She told me that she realized recently in therapy that she was keeping him around as a "backup" in case she and I broke up. Our relationship ended, and I still shudder when I think about what I
never
found out... .how many emotional affairs, how many physical affairs.
I figured out the BPD very soon after we broke up. I initially wondered whether we would have broken up if I had figured it out earlier . I loved her a lot and I really wanted to make the r/s work. It didn't take me long, however, to realize that my
understanding
couldn't have possibly fixed/controlled/healed her
disorder
.
I suspect that if I had been okay with an "open" r/s that we might still be together. But I wasn't - and I have no regrets.
So: back to you. This woman is clearly carrying on an emotional affair with you while she's in a r/s with someone else. You said that, "I made it clear that I was still very much into her and that I still wanted to date her, and I got more or less shut down because she's interested in this new guy." So... .despite her intense interest in this new guy, she's beginning an emotional affair with you? Have you stopped to think about whether or not there are even MORE players on the field than you and her current boyfriend?
40days said it best:
Excerpt
I'm not usually on this board but thought I would post one thing. Whatever she does for you she will do to you. She's talking to you while in another relationship. Most likely will do the same to you if you get back together. She may have already when you were together the first time.
Are you willing to live with that?
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backAnd4th
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Posts: 11
Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #21 on:
June 21, 2017, 04:10:48 PM »
Quote from: jhkbuzz on June 20, 2017, 12:19:47 PM
Are you willing to live with that?
A lot of your post hits home for me. I suppose I'm a bit luckier in that it's only consumed 18 months of my life as opposed to 8 years, but I relate to so many things that you said.
Like you, I saw all the red flags and was suspicious of them but mostly ignored them. Like yours, our relationship was fast and intense. Like you, I believed her when she said that my behavior was unreasonable and that I was causing a lot of our problems. Like you, I also had to deal with a cheating episode from her in the middle of our relationship, and decided the same thing that you did and tried forging ahead. And, just like you, I didn't realize that it was (almost certainly) BPD until well after the relationship was over.
I can't help myself from wondering what my chances of really making it work are now that I have a better understanding of her disorder. I am saying that with complete awareness that I would still only be responsible for my 50% of the relationship, and that nothing I do or say can directly "fix" her or even make her want to fix herself. Still, it seems reasonable to me that my chance of success would be way better (or at the very least, not be any worse).
To answer your question - no, I'm not willing to live with it. I have been consuming every piece of information about BPD and patterns I could find. I find all of this absolutely fascinating. At this point, I think another relationship is unfeasible. I'm just feeling a lot of emotions that I haven't felt before.
I'm dissatisfied with the way I left things in our last interaction. She hasn't contacted me in five days, which is pretty unusual for her. I feel like I've been "painted black," so to speak, in that if I don't want to meet all of her demands of what she thinks friendship is, then I hate her forever and might as well not exist, when the truth is that I'd like to be somewhere in the middle - not slammed with messages, but still a friendly face and a well-wisher. I did the best I could in trying to set a boundary without burning a bridge, and I'm just upset that it didn't seem to work. I feel like I can't take any more action without being pushy, or worse, doing to her exactly what she does/did to me - continue to contact her and go crazy over her non-response.
I also really resent the idea that her new relationship suddenly fixes all of her problems and makes her happy in ways that I never could (which is a narrative that she has very subtly tried to present). That is an enormous blow to my ego. After reading everything I could about BPD relationship patterns, logically I believe that she might be happy now because she's still in the early stages of her new relationship, but that it is probably just as doomed as ours was. As selfish as it sounds, I really want that to be true, just to validate the fact that it wasn't just me. That is a pretty evil thought, especially since if I care about her as much as I say I do, I should want her to be happy. But, I can't really deny the fact that it's how I feel. Emotionally I can't stop myself from feeling like she's going to cling to this relationship for dear life and never let it die, and that I'm going to have to live with the consequences of it in front of my face forever (since cutting all these people out of my life is extremely unfeasible given our social circles).
I suppose what I want right now (beyond happiness and peace for myself) is assurance and validation that things will go as I expect them to go - that at some point I won't be painted black, she will talk to me again, and I'll be able to maintain exactly the kind of relationship I want from her right now (friendship, but from a distance), that her current relationship will suffer from a similar set of problems that ours did and eventually die, and that all of these strange feelings that I've never really felt before are normal.
I am very tired and ready to move on, and am finding it extremely difficult to do so.
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jhkbuzz
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #22 on:
June 21, 2017, 04:41:28 PM »
I understand the "wanting the new r/s to blow up" feeling. I had it, and many others on these boards have felt the same way. The end of these r/s's cause such confusion and pain that we just want
some
reassurance that it really wasn't "all us." Trust me, that impulse will fade with time.
I want to focus on this:
Excerpt
I'm dissatisfied with the way I left things in our last interaction. She hasn't contacted me in five days, which is pretty unusual for her. I feel like I've been "painted black," so to speak, in that if I don't want to meet all of her demands of what she thinks friendship is, then I hate her forever and might as well not exist, when the truth is that I'd like to be somewhere in the middle - not slammed with messages, but still a friendly face and a well-wisher.
I did the best I could in trying to set a boundary without burning a bridge, and I'm just upset that it didn't seem to work.
I feel like I can't take any more action without being pushy, or worse, doing to her exactly what she does/did to me - continue to contact her and go crazy over her non-response.
You're trying to reason and bargain with a disorder. One of the hallmark signs of BPD is the black and white, "all or nothing" thinking. I remember being flabbergasted by this in my ex as well. I feel certain that after we broke up she would have been happy to keep up a steady stream of conversation with me while going out and seeing whomever she wanted. It left me feeling used; I recognized it as the child-like behavior that doomed our relationship from the start. Non-empathetic, self centered, needy - not in a calculating way, but more like a child who is always trying desperately to get their needs met.
You said our stories have lots of similarities - including the cheating in the middle of the r/s. Now she's stringing you along while she's "super interested" in this other guy. If you actually ever did get back together, you likely wouldn't trust her. Don't torture yourself.
She is trying to emotionally blackmail you - it's her way or nothing. Be strong, take care of YOU.
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Re: I want my BPD ex GF back but she has a new BF
«
Reply #23 on:
June 21, 2017, 05:15:40 PM »
remember that people with BPD traits tend to struggle with feelings of self worth.
it sounds like she, as you anticipated, took "lets dial things down" as a rejection. it was a boundary she was/is likely to struggle with.
i also suspect that she took your comment as essentially saying that sex with her is all you care about (and why you want to dial things down). that stung. you apologized, and i dont think you should rehash it, but its an impression she was likely left with, coupled with that feeling of rejection, and the sting may take some time to heal.
its likely that she will touch base soon. its going to be up to you to keep the boundaries in place. id give her space (and id use my time working the lessons and tools to the right) and when and if she does reach out, be warm and friendly - and no more than friendly.
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