I am so lost

[Coconut2017]

Hi All,

I am new here and hoping to get some helpful advice and support as I am so close to lose myself.

I met my now husband two years ago just two weeks before I was due to depart UK to live and work in South Africa for at least 2 years. Emotions were flying high and after a whirlwind 2 week romance I left with a promise to each other to wait for each other and 'if it's meant to be, timing and distance does not matter'. Two months later when I was back for a visit he proposed.
When I met him I was already aware that he was medicated off the scale ADHD, there were also some gossip flying around that he was abusive in his previous relationships. But I was so in love and did not want to see any red flags. He was never officially diagnosed with BPD, however, it was my therapist's suggestion and after reading a lot of literature I can see all the traits in him.

Only a month into our relationship serious problems started - his close friend died, he had a health crisis and on top of everything he got arrested for breaking into his ex's house. He claimed he did not break in and only went there to help after receiving a distressed phone call from her and it was a set up as she owed him a lot of money. After a trial he got convicted and was given suspended sentence but on the appeal the case was dismissed. I believed him and stood by him during this whole process.
However, after spending 3 nights in jail he suffered from PTSD and things just go worse and worse. Me being a rescuer I left my dream job in South Africa and came back to London to be with him. We got married 2 months after my return to UK.

Since then on things got even worse. His temper, mood swings, emotional abuse, threats to leave. I could not take it anymore and made a decision to leave and go back to South Africa. I packed my things, moved into a hotel and was due to fly out the following week. He kept calling, emailing and convinced me to come back. I did... .

And when I thought that things cannot get worse, they did. He lost his 2 businesses as his business partners walked away due to his behaviour, most of his friends walked away too, more talks about his abusive and violent behaviour towards women reached me. He got angrier and angrier. His life fell apart and I became his punch bag. He blamed me for everything that has happened to him telling me that I have been unsupportive when the whole world is already against him. He could not let go of his anger about me trying to leave despite him being the one asking me to come back. He kept waving divorce papers in front of my face but never sent them off. He kept telling me to get out only few days later telling me how much he loves me. I kept excusing his bad behaviour.

On top of everything he got depressed and totally lost his libido, so for the past year it's sexless marriage.

We went to couples therapy but it did not help whatsoever. We are now in therapy separately. My therapist told me that it's devastating to see me what effects to my emotional and physical health this relationship is having but I have no courage to leave for several reasons: we still have some good days and I do love him. I will also would struggle financially if I leave. On top of everything I am co-dependant and have lots of irrational fears about life without him.

I do want to save this marriage. I invested so much in it.

I do not know where to turn or what to do or even how to react to his outbursts.

I'll tell you about his last one.

I organised a weekend away at a lovely rural retreat, so we can both relax and enjoy some time together. For two days he was singing the praises how grateful he is to me for looking after him, organising the trip and being so supportive. On the last night he says to me that he knows that my needs are not met in this relationship and that he was hoping that this weekend away would help him to turn things around that he could repay for all that I have been doing. He was hoping that we could be intimate but he is struggling with lack of libido. I listened and gave him a hug. He then asked me why I am keeping quiet. He clearly needed a verbal approval/feedback and because he did not get what he needed he blew up... .abusive language, blames about how uncaring I am etc. When we got home he moved into spare room and is giving silent treatment. This behaviour is so typical. It goes in cycles every few weeks. One day he loves me more than life itself, another day he hates me and wants me to get out from his life.
This push/pull behaviour totally distabilized me. I am walking on egg-shells every day not know what's his next trigger is going to be and how to handle it.

Help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dod]

Hi

I'm new to this group as well, and found myself feeling both support towards you, and support back in recognising so much in what you've written.
I'm finding that my recognition of my partner's probable BPD is creating a conflict -  on the plus side I have a way of trying to navigate the stormy seas, and on the negative - how long can I survive storm after storm after storm?
The more I read here about the nature of the challenge the more I recognise the difficulty we face.
All I can offer is some solidarity.

Dod

[Mutt]

Hi Coconut2017,

This push/pull behaviour totally distabilized me. I am walking on egg-shells every day not know what's his next trigger is going to be and how to handle it.

I can relate with that. I'd like to join Dod and welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you decided to join us, there is hope.

A pwBPD have both engulfment / abandonment fears that sounds like a conudrum, it is really, they want you to be close to them, the closeness triggered engulfment fears, fears that they will lose their sense of self in the r/s and will push you away. The distance then triggers their what a pwBPD fear the most, abandonment fears and they'll pull you close, this push / pull behavior is the behavior that your describing.

I'm glad to hear that your getting the help from a T, I'd suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, I understand how confusing the behavior is and often we take personally and think that we set it off, we can learn to depersonalize the behavior once we understand what's going on and why.

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time, what is your support network like in real life with family and friends? What do you do for self care?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

What does "fear of engulfment" mean?


PS you'll find the lessons on the right side of the board  -------------------->

[Coconut2017]

Hi

I'm new to this group as well, and found myself feeling both support towards you, and support back in recognising so much in what you've written.
I'm finding that my recognition of my partner's probable BPD is creating a conflict -  on the plus side I have a way of trying to navigate the stormy seas, and on the negative - how long can I survive storm after storm after storm?
The more I read here about the nature of the challenge the more I recognise the difficulty we face.
All I can offer is some solidarity.

Dod

Thank you for you words, Dod. I always lived by 'what does not kill us, makes us stronger', however, the last time I saw my therapist she suggested she will start applying some CBT techniques to get me out of the situation with the statement: 'it will only get worse, the difference is that you can recover once you are out the this environment, he however, will not'. When I asked her what will happen if I stayed, would I survive? Her answer was 'yes, you would survive - us humans are resilient, but surviving is not living. Do you want to live or survive? If you stay, you will lose yourself even more, it will affect all your relationships including your mother and your son and any friendships that have left as he drove away most of your friends already.'

[Coconut2017]

I read up on the engulfment in the link you provided and a lot of it brought it home. He would fluctuate between "I feel like I'm losing myself in this relationship" or "I need to find out who I am" or "I feel empty." But what I do not understand is this: I have a big fear of abandonment (childhood trauma) and I would do anything and everything like any other co-dependant to fix the situation to avoid being abandoned, so why pwBPD who is terrified of abandonment keeps pushing their loved ones away? Why does my husband keep screaming at me to get out or waves divorce papers (although never follows through)? Is he not scared that I am going to reach my limit and leave and he will end up abandoned? It's so confusing.


I am reading books, forums, getting help from T but I find it impossible not to take things personally during the episodes of his anger.
Last night I got home from work and I could not take it anymore. I told him that his behaviour totally destabilized me and I cannot live like this any longer or I'll lose my sanity altogether, so either get help or I am leaving. He then screamed at me: 'get out, the sooner the better, you were leaving me for the past 2 years'. I asked him why he keeps hurting me and his answer was: 'because I cannot stop, because everything is too much for me, I am falling apart'.
So now after this conversation, I feel guilty. I see his suffering and I want to help or at least not leave a person in trouble. I keep thinking that if I was in his position, I would expect empathy and commitment from my spouse to be there for me through thick and thin... .

I am trying my best to look after myself - daily yoga, meditation, EFT, weekly therapy.
I have few close friends, however, I can only see them behind his back because he is convinced that my friends are turning me against him and it causes drama every time.