Quite Boarderline - High Functioning

[kramer598]

Hello, I am curious if others out there have experience with a "Quite Borderline" ? This community has been great however reading many of these posts, the acting out part is hard for me to relate too. My ex never cut herself or yelled at me but instead withdrew from conversations and never communicated emotions. When fighting, I would tell her how I felt only to be met with someone just starring at me. When I pressed for a response, I would get a " What do you want me to say answer". This always confused me as I would be thinking, say something. You love me, you hate me, you can't stand me... Just something.

I was never criticized except at the end during the devaluation phase and I was never communicated hateful comments. She never cut herself but I could tell she felt everything and was always way way way to hard on herself. She would mention feeling empty, broken and broke up with me because " She wasn't enough for me" and "she could not make me happy". Keep in mind, i never said any of that and actually told her she was beautiful, my best friend and my dream girl everyday.

Just curious if others had experience with a quite boarderline and if you had any other posts, books or material you can point me to.

Thank you. 

[Baf93]

My ex was fairly similar. He lashed out very rarely, most of it bottling up without my knowledge, until he bolted. I would think things were fine, even if we were fighting. He seemed to be happy and loved me, and wanted to work things out. Then he would turn into a completely different person and say it's over. I would ask why and he would say I'm controlling, neither of us are happy, and he would go on and on with all of these reasons. After 5 years I've gotten to the point where I can tell when his happy behavior is fake. I will ask if there's problems, if he's feeling certain ways, if he thinks I'm being controlling etc. he will still tell me no and things will still fall apart days later. About a month ago he ghosted on me. Just left one day as if everything was fine, told me to have a good day and he loved me. Shut his phone off and never came home. Days prior I could tell he was getting worked up and asked if he needed space or time to think. He said no, he would miss me too bad and he loved me too much for that. But only 4 days later he vanished.
I understand how confusing it is. They seem very level headed, and even happy. Then they shut themselves off and turn cold. It's awful and I hate that you have to go through that.

[roberto516]

This is my ex. The only difference is when I left she said "I don't deserve you" which changed to "I don't want to be in a relationship". The times I tried to communicate and the blank stare. All of it. I think this is so tough because on the outside they appear so calm and cool. She did yell at me a few times but never in response to me. I got yelled at if I didn't do what she wanted a few times.

If you Google waif borderline there's good articles. All about the rescue role and being a victim of their exes, etc. This might also make it harder to get help for them because they won't think they have traits of they aren't cutting, outwardly aggressive with mood swings etc.

I relate all too well my friend. Scary how we have the same experience with fighting. It's funny, not her fault necessarily, but by being quiet I'd feel ignored. So I'd start to raise my voice. Any reaction was better than no reaction.

[Baf93]

I've tried being more vocal and it seems to make things worse. Now I'm labeled as crazy and controlling. Has it worked for you at all?

[roberto516]

I've tried being more vocal and it seems to make things worse. Now I'm labeled as crazy and controlling. Has it worked for you at all?

It never did. I even remember telling her numerous times "I don't feel like I'm allowed to be anything but funny and 'on' at all times around you."

Even the last week before the recycle discard she became distant. I calmly texted her about her days and such and even told her that if she wanted to talk about anything I'd be willing to help. She blamed it on her hormones, and then was gone for another discard.

You know a part of me thinks when she said after that recycle "I don't want to be in a relationship" if I responded with something like "You sound very uncertain and maybe even scared of something. Can we talk about that?" It might have eased her worry. Instead I accepted what she said, told her to leave me alone, and then told her how she hurt me again. But would it have really worked? No. She is far too black and white thinking. No logic or communication is going to bring her to a more rational world view without extensive DBT therapy. So it is what it is.

I remember one of our last fights she ran to get her phone and told me "read this". It was about gaslighting. She said that whenever she wanted to leave the relationship I'd try to tell her why she was doing it and that she wouldn't find anyone better. Well it's true. I did say that. Possible gaslighting? Maybe. But in reality all I was trying to do was communicate to her and hope she would see that it was all fear based, and she was reacting to her impulses. But I was controlling and manipulative for that. I even remember before the first recycle when she reached out like crazy through all means of communication and then showed up at my parents house. Apparently my dad told her the cold hard truth. He said "Well how would you feel if you loved someone and they hurt you like this?" You know what she told me after that? "You're father tried to manipulate me." Yup... .oh well.

[Baf93]

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I have told him the same things. That he will not find anyone who will be as patient and as caring with him as I am. He knows this. When he's "him" he admits  to having serious problems, he cries, apologizes like crazy. And I try to calmly bring things to his attention and let him know that I know he's sorry. I know he didn't mean it. However when he goes into that other phase is when he has to demonstrate self control. He says ok and all he needs is me to help him hold on. Then when I notice him starting to go I'll have the same conversation. Remind him of all the things he's said. At first he hesitates and tries a little bit to fight it. Then he goes off the deep end. It seems the more he fights it the worse he spirals. Even still I'll continue to remind him he won't find someone else , then he starts being nasty "there's billions of people in this world you think I won't find someone else but you know I will. You're just needy and insecure and don't want me finding someone else to be happy with." All sorts of hurtful things. Says I'm crazy and controlling. The list goes on. And maybe I am controlling but it's because I know what he does when he runs.

[vaztek2003]

Holy crap! You basically just described my ex. Everytime she would try to argue we would get to a point in conversation where she would trap herself in a IDK loop, which internally would piss me off but I never lashed out at her for it. I would always keep a cool head about things. She basically would also repeat how I deserved better, how she couldnt provide whatwas needed from a girlfriend (sex, intimacy her major issues). She never cut herself either

[Baf93]

He's never shown signs of suicidal thoughts or depression other than mentioning that he feels empty. He's only admitted that like 2 times in the 5 years we've been together. If you met him in public you would think he was extremely happy, charming, successful, confident, living a wonderful life. No one knows the truth. We even went for counseling before and he acted so smooth she ended up calling ME crazy because how could this WONDERFUL gentleman ever be capable of such things. It's insane. He goes back and forth from "I don't want you anymore I'm not happy with you" to "I'm so terrible to you you deserve the whole world you're an angel and I do nothing but make you miserable." He woke up one morning and left being loving and sweet, and never came home. That was a month ago. This is the longest we've gone without each other in 5 years. I don't know what to think or do about it. He doesn't even know he has BPD to my knowledge. He's admitted he has a problem but then he says I'm the problem. Idk if he's coming back this time. We just got engaged 3 weeks before he left. But I feel like he has to. ALL his family and friends are cold blooded narcissists. He has no one. He's hanging out with his crazy friend and he'll be content with that for awhile. Then he breaks and he has no one to go to. No one cares about him. It's bad to say, but his mom abandoned them and his dad is a narcissist. His friends and family make him and BPD look like child's play. I'm so scared but I'm trying to remain confident he'll go back to himself and realize what he's done and come home.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi,

My GF is also the quiet type, but I guess there are no two identical people. She did cut herself in the past, tried to kill herself, did drugs... .But after being diagnoses she tried to proof everyone wrong. And she stopped all that. Her ideal life would be alone in the forest. Her self harm now took the form of anorexia, which is a very cruel thing but "quiet". She says it is unrelated. But it is self punishment and gives her the illusion of control and calms her. There are many kinds of self harm.

I wonder if that " you're not going to find someone like/better than me" is something someone recommended. It doesn't sound very useful, sorry. I often want to tell her something very useless as in "why would I put up with so much trouble if I didn't trully loved you?". Do they break up or, go, to find someone else? Or just to run away from pain?

I very often I'm they one that doesn't know what to say. She would talk to me for an hour about herself, and it doesn't seem to have anything to do with me at all. And then she gets mad because I'm not saying anything. But I got the feeling she was talking as if she was writing a journal. I really don't get to what she wants my imput. I wish I knew. When I ask for an specific question, she gets very mad.

Anyway, I know that quiet things can hurt you as much as a big flashy behavior. And sometimes it's confusing to read about other cases and think "this is not the same as my SO has". We tend to define the person as the disorder, and they have personalities too, so there are as many kinds of BPD as people having it. Just learning about the disorder can't substitute knowing our partner.

Good luck out there.

[Baf93]

Do they all self game in one way or another?

[happendtome]

My ex didnt cut herself or anything like that. My replacement does all that
But basically it was with my ex like this (maybe only 1-2 points didnt match):

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/


1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a ass. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

[JaxWest]

I cannot confirm if the female was BPD or not, but she would qualify as a waif if she is. She is high functioning, but there is something that is just off with her. Some people have said she may be on the spectrum of autism. I don't think so though.

I never dated this one. She gave me every sign in the world (asking my friends about my dating life, making excuses to stay behind with me so she could talk) that she was interested, until I made a move and then she said her ex was back. So, that was confusing. After that, she treated me like I would have expected a girl I am dating to treat me or at least a close friend. She viewed my stuff as hers. My food was up for grab if a group of us went to a restaurant. My friends were up for grabs and she felt like she could reach out to them whenever she wanted, even though they were not friends with her. She wanted input on everything in my life, career path, vacations and etc. These were things that friends don't do, let alone colleagues. Whenever I tried to talk to her about this, she made me out to be the crazy one. She wanted control over my life, but didn't reciprocate things. It was fine for her to text my friends to try to invite herself to things, but I couldn't say hi to her coworkers if I saw them as I was walking down the street.

She lied... .When I asked her about things, she said she didn't do it or could not remember it. For example, I was asking why she was texting my friend (my married friend that she asked about my dating life and continuously asked about me), she said she didn't do that and didn't remember texting him. Yeah... .sure. This was common though. if she didn't want to answer it, she would say she didn't do that or didn't remember that.

She isolated me from her friends, but wanted to seek out my friend. I kept finding myself alone with this girl. She wanted to control everything as far as when, where and who was involved.

She never raged (at least externally). She did have the most terrifying look I have seen on a person though (think Carrie the Rage).

[kramer598]

Thanks everyone for your replays. It's crazy that others have experienced this as well. I'm curious, when a quite boarderline abandonment kicks in and they enter their rage phase, are they aware of this? I've read that they can almost disconnect from real life and stop caring about everything and everyone. I'm just wondering if they are aware of their actions and aware that they no longer feel anything for others?

[roberto516]

Thanks everyone for your replays. It's crazy that others have experienced this as well. I'm curious, when a quite boarderline abandonment kicks in and they enter their rage phase, are they aware of this? I've read that they can almost disconnect from real life and stop caring about everything and everyone. I'm just wondering if they are aware of their actions and aware that they no longer feel anything for others?

I only saw the rage phase a few times. The worst was when we broke up and about a month later she had seen a picture of me on facebook with a female friend. She begged me to call her, etc. even saying "Well maybe I want to talk so we can try again." When I finally broke she went into a verbally abusive rant saying some of the harshest things I have ever heard from her. She seemed a night and day human being. The thing about a quiet person with the BPD traits is that they still do rage; they just internalize it. Deep down, she probably had periods of fighting back her resentment for me the last 6 months of the relationship. We went camping and I was quiet in the larger group of her family (I'm an introvert and I communicated it to her before camping so that she was aware... .didn't matter). I went for a walk and told her I had spoken to a fellow camper for about 30 seconds during that walk. She was so resentful at that because I'd speak to a stranger and not her family. She literally held onto that for the last 6 months and still probably does to this day. That is rage; a rage that is just suppressed and turned into a resentment.

I don't think that people with these traits consciously think "I don't care about this person anymore." I think the hurt they feel at perceived abandonment, disrespect is so intense that they quickly rationalize it to be "This person isn't good for me. This person doesn't care about me." etc. At least in my experience. I'd always ask her to think about where the resentment might really be coming from (meaning anger at herself). But she wasn't capable. It had to be my fault and I deserved the resentment. Don't know if that really answers your question at all.

[kramer598]

No it does and thank you for your response. My ex fierce and I were fighting and I asked her if I wasn't making her happy, then why doesn't she give me the ring back and go our seperate ways. I never took the ring back, I slept next to her in bed that night and told her I loved her, apologized for fighting and tried everything to make it up to her over the next three weeks. But I could tell that something changed in her, she kept saying we were not at a good place or even a neutral place. I'd ask what I could do to get to an even place and she said she didn't have an answer. I mentioned that I felt like I had lost her and that nothing I could do was working. She told me that wasn't the case, I just need to focus on my own happiness and we'll come back together. Mean while starting fights  the whole time with me and being distant. Eventually found kid she was cheating on me and lied about being in a different city over the weekend. I didn't confront her, I simply didn't come home that night. She packed two suitcases our dog and her wedding dress and ended up driving her car off a cliff Totaling it.  No emotion was shown when she moved out and gave the ring back. It was really scary, like their was no person inside, just a shell of a human being. All she would say was, I couldn't make you happy.