Texting - avoid it

[Yikes44]

One thing I've noticed about my uBPD partner is that texting is the gateway to a LOT of the drama. Earlier in this relationship, I held out the belief that there was a certain way I could be or certain behaviors I could avoid and that would repair or at least minimize the problem. That really hasn't proven to be the case, as every six to eight weeks there will be some major meltdown over pretty much anything. Things can be going really great  - then sudden major meltdown. Things can be really stressful but seem mutually supportive and holding together pretty well - then sudden major meltdown. In fact I would say that when things appear to be going well in our lives there is a somewhat greater chance of a sudden major meltdown. Not sure what that's about.

As a part of this "improving the relationship" board though, I've realized one commonality I wanted to share in the inevitable breakdown: it usually initiates in a text. Often out of the cold blue.  Most often it seems to go directly into some sort of ludicrous, previously undiscussed claim. "I realize now that I embarrass you in front of your parents", "Its very clear that you love your children more than you have ever loved me", "I wish that my dreams mattered to you but they don't, they never have" etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say these texts come OUT OF THE BLUE, not after some sort of relevant preceding event. A nice breakfast, kiss goodbye and then sudden 2pm text. 

I've learned that there is no real way to respond. Certainly "that's not true" or "are you serious?" or "where is this coming from" don't work at all. "Please don't do this" is a definite no (but one I reflexively still use sometimes) . All will release an avalanche of rapid fire text responses. The most effective response I've come up with (although still often painful) is "why don't we talk about what you mean when I get home".  My tip I guess is to just never get into it in texting. I think there is something of a comfortable remove for BPD's in text messaging, where they can make all kinds of outlandish accusations without eye contact or having to back up their story.   

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[once removed]

you raise some good points.

i felt chained to the hip by phone (text), and it was the most frequent source of raging (by both of us really).

did you run into extinction bursts when you started to implement this strategy? i think that can often discourage us from following through, its harder to introduce new boundaries later in the relationship.

on the flip side, those are tricky statements to validate. have you found validation has or hasnt worked for you?

[waverider]

Totally agree, my wife is a technodunce (her words) to the point she can't text or email, or even use the internet, despite the fact that she is a phone junkie and has been for 15 years, and yet still can't retrieve a text from her message box or even use her address list.

I have refused to teach her for the reasons you state. I dont want her spending her day slowly typing out abusive texts to everyone because they haven't immediately responded to her previous text.

It is far too easy to misinterpret a text, a skill pwBPD have in abundance.

[Doughboy]

I was 3 hrs away from my "Ex" but we were face to face about 10-12 days a month.  Text and phone were a HUGE part of the relationship and I agree that both can become problematic.  You lose all of the body language and flow of a conversation when you are only using one of the senses... .seeing or hearing.   It becomes very difficult to push off the troublesome conversations though to a time you can be face to face.

The separation, as you mentioned, with text is akin to the internet troll or keyboard commando.  Everyone is super brave and super smart when they are all alone with no "real" opposition to there opinion. 

[Yikes44]

I totally get it Once Removed, and I unfortunately get sucked in too. I've typed something like "Seriously? Are you really frigging serious when you say that?" And I know its just going to amp everything up but I get so frustrated and exhausted by it. In a text though, I feel, its never going to calm anything down. Its just going to lead to receiving text after text about the thousand and one reasons that I'm the most awful person alive. If I don't respond immediately then it comes in from some completely different angle. Im not sure what an extinction event is, the only thing that will ever calm it down is time and complete disengagement - typically a minimum of 3 days, sometimes up to a week. Then maybe a really weak sorry or otherwise downplay of the whole thing just serves to wash it all away. I do understand that I am party to all of this.

[waverider]

I totally get it Once Removed, and I unfortunately get sucked in too. I've typed something like "Seriously? Are you really frigging serious when you say that?" And I know its just going to amp everything up but I get so frustrated and exhausted by it. In a text though, I feel, its never going to calm anything down. Its just going to lead to receiving text after text about the thousand and one reasons that I'm the most awful person alive. If I don't respond immediately then it comes in from some completely different angle. Im not sure what an extinction event is, the only thing that will ever calm it down is time and complete disengagement - typically a minimum of 3 days, sometimes up to a week. Then maybe a really weak sorry or otherwise downplay of the whole thing just serves to wash it all away. I do understand that I am party to all of this.

Extinction burst

Its effectively the reactive tantrum running its course before acceptance that its not going to happen sets in

[MrRight]

Texts and indeed mobile phones are one of the great miseries of my life. real ball and chain stuff.

She is capable of texting me 200 times in done day when we are apart. If I dont respond she starts to become worried - then hysterical - if no reply within 1 hour she calls the police asking to trace me. I have to pull my car over to reply to her frantic messages - where are you? why dont you respond?

It's a nightmare - and yes - I get the "you dont care about me" texts too.

I wish I was 30 years older and had gone through this before the age of mobile phones.

[Alayne]

Amen. The ONLY thing I liked about texting was that it gave me a written record of what he said so that I could look back if he started to make me think I'm crazy/responsible/guilty.  Helpful early on, but now I avoid it like the plague even if it makes his raging or ST worse when he gets home.

[halcyon]

Texting (and other forms of messaging) are too easily misinterpreted by a BPD mind.  There is no eye contact or body language to go along with it.  So you could say something like "I'm going to be late for dinner."  And they might interpret that as "I can't stand to be around you, so I'm stalling coming home... ."  (When all you really meant was the simple "I'm going to be late for dinner."

And, yes, if you fail to respond in a "timely" manner (or, rather, what is timely in their eyes, at least) it can lead to resentment, anger, etc... . 

My partner and I have created a system to help avoid misunderstandings with messages.  It may help some of you; for others, it may be going too far.  It depends on what your individual needs are.

We only use FB messenger for "casual talk".  "I washed the dog."  "I miss you."  "What do you want for dinner tonight?" etc.

We only use the text feature on our phones for important information.  "I'm having anxiety today."  "My Mom is visiting this weekend."  "I need you to pick up potatoes at the store." etc.

And, finally, we only actually CALL if it's 911.  "I'm going to the ER."  "The dog was hit by a car."  "The house is on fire."  etc.

In turn, there are "rules" to this system.  No one is allowed to get angry if FB messages aren't answered.  (You can get upset, but if it turns angry, then apologies need to follow).  On the other hand, we expect each other to answer text messages within the hour; and phone calls are expected to be answered right away.  After all, it will only ring if something really awful is happening.

We've been using this system for about a month, and it has served us very well.  But, my partner is aware of her BPD and is in treatment.  So, like I said, it might not work for everyone.  I can see it not working "as well" with a partner or loved one who is unaware of their disorder or unwilling to seek treatment for it.