Committed relationship with dad of teen with BPD. Feeling a bit helpless.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My partner of a year decided it's time I meet his teen daughters (16 and 18) who are staying with him off and on this summer.  (Mom lives about 6 hours away.)  He has also come to the understanding recently that his 16yo has BPD and is being treated with meds, but no consistent therapy.  We decided together that we couldn't rush to have the 16yo meet me as she hasn't even been able to really deal with him dating period.  Over the course of the past few weeks he has been trying to warm her up to the thought of him spending some time with me - a dinner, a movie, a hike, whatever.  I haven't seen him since she arrived a couple weeks ago because we were both afraid she would explode at the thought of him being with me.  And she did last night in grand fashion as we were supposed to go on a hike today.  I know he's committed to me and I want to make this work more than anything.  That said, I quite literally can't spend any time with him when she is around for fear of what she might do. The family is not receiving the treatment I believe they all need, although I think this weekend was a wake up call for my partner.  I think he is finally understanding that he won't be able to live the life he wants and that she won't have a fulfilling independent life for herself unless and until she gets to a better place.  I'm just not sure what my role is in all of this and I'm feeling pretty terrible that something that has been one of the best things to happen in my life is feeling like it might have an insurmountable challenge.  I need some guidance.  This is not my battle to fight, but clearly I have a stake in the outcome.  I have daughters 11 and 14 and I have concerns about introducing her into their lives.  I worry that this situation will be the thing that ends this relationship and it breaks my heart.

[itsjood]

My partner of a year decided it's time I meet his teen daughters (16 and 18) who are staying with him off and on this summer.  (Mom lives about 6 hours away.)  He has also come to the understanding recently that his 16yo has BPD and is being treated with meds, but no consistent therapy.  We decided together that we couldn't rush to have the 16yo meet me as she hasn't even been able to really deal with him dating period.  Over the course of the past few weeks he has been trying to warm her up to the thought of him spending some time with me - a dinner, a movie, a hike, whatever.  I haven't seen him since she arrived a couple weeks ago because we were both afraid she would explode at the thought of him being with me.  And she did last night in grand fashion as we were supposed to go on a hike today.  I know he's committed to me and I want to make this work more than anything.  That said, I quite literally can't spend any time with him when she is around for fear of what she might do. The family is not receiving the treatment I believe they all need, although I think this weekend was a wake up call for my partner.  I think he is finally understanding that he won't be able to live the life he wants and that she won't have a fulfilling independent life for herself unless and until she gets to a better place.  I'm just not sure what my role is in all of this and I'm feeling pretty terrible that something that has been one of the best things to happen in my life is feeling like it might have an insurmountable challenge.  I need some guidance.  This is not my battle to fight, but clearly I have a stake in the outcome.  I have daughters 11 and 14 and I have concerns about introducing her into their lives.  I worry that this situation will be the thing that ends this relationship and it breaks my heart.

[Mutt]

Hi itsjood, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us.

I haven't seen him since she arrived a couple weeks ago because we were both afraid she would explode at the thought of him being with me.

Is she with dad for summer vacation?

As a dad I can understand the concerns with having her meet your kids. Have you met her? What BPD behaviors does she have?

[itsjood]

Thanks, Mutt.   I think I just need someone to listen who understands what BPD is and can do to relationships.   

I haven't met her and that has been intentional.  Even before the diagnosis we knew that this would be far from easy given past experiences and we needed to do any introductions at a time when we all had plenty of time to process and work through.  That meant summer since she doesn't live in PA.  As summer got closer it was clear she wasn't even comfortable with the idea of him dating anyone.  We then agreed we needed to first get her comfortable with the concept of me before she even met me.  He's tried to talk openly with both girls about the fact that they are a priority but he will spend bit of time with me now and again because I am important to him.  No sleepovers bc I know that will be far too much for her to handle.  As I said, just a few hours here or there for dinner or a hike.  That's been disastrous.  This week has been hell on him and her sister and, quite frankly, me.  She kept them up half the night in a tantrum last night and it's bringing this whole thing to a head.  She's here through the end of June and then back again at points until school starts in Sep.  Selfishly, I don't want to be pushed out of the picture for every holiday and summer and family gathering when she's around but he is wracked with guilt bc he moved for a job after his marriage ended and just wants to get this right.  She's blaming him for all of her problems, for abandoning the family, for not spending enough time with her, for not giving her the tools to deal with all this, etc.    I feel like I might need counseling on how to handle this.  I don't want to be a demanding ___ but I also don't want to be pushed aside completely every time she visits.  Or lose this relationship.

[itsjood]

Oh... .and here are the symptoms I know of anecdotally through her dad:

Extreme emotional reactions disproportionate to the situation
Explosive anger
Extreme fear of abandonment
Unstable personal relationships.  She really has no friends and doesn't seem to care or realize that she doesn't. 
Disassociative behaviors

[Mutt]

It sounds like you're both trying to make things work. Counselling is a good idea. Is he open for counselig for himself?

I'd suggest to read as much as you about the disorder. BPD behaviors can be incredibly confusing and hurtful, it's something that the pwBPD is going through, it's not personal to us, it helps to understand why a pwBPD behave the way that they do.

[Stepmom2Matt]

Oh Jood.  Welcome to the BPD Family!

I have a 17 year old step son whose mother is BPD.  He has PTSD from the trauma of emotional abuse over the years, he also has ADHD and has picked up behaviours from his mom.

I'd like to tell you straight away, without any sugar-coating.  This is not going to be easy. 

BPD behaviours are relentless, emotional, draining and can be devastating.  Without therapy, your SO is not going to make real progress with his daughter.  Meds are not going to "Fix" her.

There are tools for him and you to use on this site.  Learning how to validate, how not to triangulate.  How to set firm boundaries etc. etc.  Try to use these tools, they are helpful to most of us here.  But you need to understand, if you're in this for the long haul.  It is going to be a long haul... .there is no way around that.  When she finally learns to accept that you are important to her dad, it doesn't mean that the emotional turmoil will stop there. 

If things progress and you an he eventually move in together, there will be more upheaval.  Your kids will have to learn to cope with BPD behaviours, as will you.  I don't mean to be a doomsday Nelly, I just want you to be prepared.  Should you commit to this, it can be very rewarding on some days.  But it does not end.  It's a continual thing that you will have to deal with all the time. 

That being said, it CAN be done.  It just depends on how committed you are!

I wish you the very best of luck, and I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to read and educate yourself on BPD.  I am also of the opinion that therapy is a necessity for his daughter.  For me, it would not be negotiable.

[itsjood]

Thanks, StepMom2Matt,

We are very committed to each other so I'm willing to really try and make this work.  That said, he won't fully admit that she likely has BPD.  Her latest psych report indicated that she exhibits several traits of BPD and he is interpreting that as... .she has some of those behaviors but that doesn't mean she has it.  He really wants to attribute all of this to ADHD.  My gut is telling me she has BPD.  Every article I read seems to be describing her in detail.  Every good day she has or good thing she does he wants to point to as if to say... .See, she's just fine!  Until the next outburst. Then the cycle starts again except she's getting older now and the outbursts are getting uglier.  Mainly for dad currently for whom most of this seems to be directed at because of his relationship with me.  According to her, his feelings for me and the fact he wants to spend time with me vs her are the reasons she can't get better and is in this bad place.  If he would just give me up and pay more attention to her, this wouldn't be happening.  I'm not taking it personally but clearly this is a huge barrier to us moving forward.

So we go to couples counseling tomorrow with a family therapist who has a specialty in personality disorders.  I'm hoping it's a good fit and we can start to figure out how to make sense of this all.  I realize this will be a life-long challenge, so we both need to the tools to work through this in a way makes sense for us as well as the other 3 kids involved.  Sigh... .

[Stepmom2Matt]

Thanks, StepMom2Matt,

 he won't fully admit that she likely has BPD.  Her latest psych report indicated that she exhibits several traits of BPD and he is interpreting that as... .she has some of those behaviors but that doesn't mean she has it.  He really wants to attribute all of this to ADHD.  My gut is telling me she has BPD.

So we go to couples counseling tomorrow with a family therapist who has a specialty in personality disorders.  I'm hoping it's a good fit and we can start to figure out how to make sense of this all.  I realize this will be a life-long challenge, so we both need to the tools to work through this in a way makes sense for us as well as the other 3 kids involved.  Sigh... .

ADHD - if pretty severe and untreated can cause a LOT of the "Symptoms" of BPD.  A lot is misunderstood about ADHD and the different types and how they affect people differently. If your SO's daughter is not medicated for ADHD, perhaps she needs to be?  And if she IS medicated then her behaviours are possibly "Learned"  by dad enabling her.  In other words, when things have been difficult for her, he's helped her along.  When she's been upset, he's either glossed over things, or else he's tried calming her by putting her needs before everyone elses.  A lifetime of habits like these make for very selfish people sometimes.  Sorry, I'm not explaining myself very well here.  What I'm TRYING to say is ... .toddlers learn from temper tantrums and nagging what their boundaries are.  If they succeed, just once, in achieving their goals from a tantrum, then a tantrum becomes the way forward for them to get what they want.  Right?

Now, in the case of ADHD, especially if the person with ADHD is clever and opinionated, (Mine is!) because they process things slightly differently, they tend to be more persistent in their demands.  So tantrums last longer, are more frequent etc etc.  Parents are OFTEN worn down by this and are desperate for peace.  So parents with ADHD children often fall into a trap or pattern of their own making whereby the child with ADHD pretty much gets what he or she wants... .just to keep the peace!  Of course, later on, the child is officially diagnosed, and medicated and different tactics are tried in raising them  (Some kids diagnosed very late)... .unfortunately... .the pattern of giving in is already there from when the child was little.

This means that not only the child, but the parent fall into the same patterns or "dance" whenever the child wants or needs anything.    The words may be different, the body language may have changed, but the dance is the same.

Basically, even if his daughter is not BPD, therapy is still the answer!  The therapist will be able to define what the issues are, and will help to "teach" dad how to set boundaries, he/she will also be able to observe his daughter and pin-point behavioural issues and give ideas on how to deal with them.

I'm so sorry I'm rambling!  I do wish you luck, I hope your counselling session goes well and that you find a nice fit.

I LOVE our therapist, and when things are really tough and I honestly feel like I want to throw in the towel, an appointment will come up and we'll have a session and my cup is full up again!

  (... .and I used to poo-poo the idea of therapists!)

[bunny4523]

Hi Itsjood,

What your describing is very confusion because it can fit into multiple categories, along with the emotional trumoil teenagers go through with the hormone changes.  I think the reassuring thing here is that for BPD and teenager issues, the response is the same.  Meaning how you respond to the outburst.  I'm not familiar enough with ADHD, maybe medication like stepmom mentioned is appropriate.

There is alot of good advice here and alot of articles that can help. Like Stepmom mentioned... .it is something you will always have to deal with, it most likely will not "go away."  It may become less intense or less frequent as she learns her own ways of coping but any stressful situation or feeling of abandonment will likely trigger her.  Once you understand how she thinks and what makes her feel better... .you will have to go there first when dealing with the issue before addressing how you feel.  Validation of your own feelings will likely have to come from your partner and not her.  That is the one of the tough parts because it feels very one sided. 

Have you shared any of your reading to your partner?  It might help him to understand better her disorder and how he needs to respond to it.  It isn't easy to have this kind of relationship and only you can decide whether it is worth it to you.  I've already thought about it in my situation regarding if my stepdaughters were to start showing traits of BPD like their mom... .that I am in it to win it.  I'm trying to show them now how to slow down and break it down... .My heart says... .My mind says... .so that they don't just rely on their feelings to guide them. 

Even in non disordered combining family situations... .these issue of introducing a new partner are tough.  We introduced it very slowly to the girls.  We were just "friends" hanging out at bbqs with lots of other people present.  We got lucky because my husbands oldest daughter took a liking to me and actually pressured her Dad into asking me out. She doesn't exhibit any signs of BPD but she was not happy about the idea of her Dad dating in the past and losing his attention. 

Bunny