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Author Topic: Was he like this because of me?  (Read 343 times)
Zemmma
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 171


« on: June 18, 2017, 05:36:09 AM »

Okay, I am not really blaming myself for his behaviour...

But I have been wondering. Do certain people bring out some of these BPD tendencies in our exes more than others? Could the behaviour be about the relationship dynamic as much as him being who he is?

The reason I am asking... my ex would make these exclamations about how no one else ever made him this crazy. He acknowledges how poorly and wildly he behaved throughout the relationship and even has shame about it. He tells me I'm the only one who has ever made him feel or behave like this.

A little background, when we met, we were both getting out of failed marriages. It was a tumultuous time, in that space when the marriage has broken but the spouses haven't moved out of the house yet. There were months when he was still living with her, and I was still living with him. He was having what I think were panic attacks. He literally went to a graveyard down the road from his house and laid on the ground in a ball for hours. He had constant pain in his chest. He was smoking and drinking like a fiend. He lost a lot of weight. So this is the lovely space wherein we fell in love.

Does he attach that trauma to me? Or is it something about my personality?
-I am outgoing and confident= his jealousy
-I am independent= his neediness
-I am defensive when attacked= his attacks would escalate
-I have boundaries= he thinks I am secretive and not open to the kind of love he needs and desires

He seems to have successful friendships and good family relations overall. He is known as sentimental and  a good listener (all true). So is it just with me that he is iike this? Could I be the first one to stimulate all of the craziness? Will he be fine in his next relationship because he won't be so provoked by the next one? I don't think he was like this with his ex-wife. He described their relationship as a "supreme friendship." When he stayed up or stayed out all night every night she just went to bed and didn't question any of it. She would be the one to get up with their child in the mornings because he would sleep until the afternoon. Was she just more compatible to his lifestyle and personality? Was she just a nicer and more accommodating and accepting person?

He is so sensitive. He can't let anything go. He thinks I am insulting him when I am not. He always accused me of hiding things when I revealed far more to him than any person ever. He got so jealous, even if I went away for the weekend with my parents and kids and went too long between texts. He always found ways to get us into arguments when we weren't together. He was insulting to me even though he is generally a kind person. He is sweet to everyone else; servers, students, friends, family. He is a kind father. Makes me wonder what the hell I do to make him so crazy. He says I have a "tone" in my voice that drives him crazy. He has accused me of "yelling" at him about smoking, when I maybe just made a comment. He really does think I am evil and even though he kept leaving me and I clung on for years, he always said I didn't like him very much. He could never feel my love though I professed it passionately. I was all -over-him-affectionate, verbally expressive about love, did things for him to show him I cared (did his dishes for him, bought him dinners, bought him things he needed), I was always available to meet up with him when our schedules aligned, always put him first... (though he would get angry sometimes when I saw friends). He always said that when I was with friends he "disappeared for me." He couldn't understand why I "went silent" when out with friends (uh... I turn off my phone to have drinks and dinner)... he thought I should be texting him from the bathroom. When he was with friends he sent me texts and videos. He would make everyone in his group stop and wave and say hi to me in a video. He wanted me to do the same. I told him that was not necessary and it was strange. I mean, if it was my birthday, okay... but every time they get together?(Say hi to my girlfriend who is not here!). Who wants to do that? So strange. He used to send poetry to me and was upset that I did not send poetry to him. (Uh... .I don't and never have read poetry). In general if he did something for me, he wanted it reciprocated and my failure to do so meant I didn't love him.

He used to write me long, long texts and get upset if I didn't respond to every point. Or he'd be mad or perplexed if I didn't respond the way he thought I should respond. This is the walking on eggshells thing, I think. I think the bottom line is that it doesn't matter what I did. I remember feeling like I was trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. I remember thinking of the story of the bucket of love that you are supposed to keep filling, but thinking his bucket had holes. It didn't matter how much love I gave him or tried to show him, he just couldn't feel it.

But is it just me? Will he go on to the next relationship, having learned from me? Will he be able to love in a functional way with a person with a more compatible personality? I feel that now that I know him, I could be the partner that he needs more than any new and unwitting stranger. But he can't let go of the past, which is basically the hurt I caused him before I knew the really strange rules of how he operates.





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roberto516
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 782


« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2017, 06:15:18 AM »

But is it just me? Will he go on to the next relationship, having learned from me? Will he be able to love in a functional way with a person with a more compatible personality? I feel that now that I know him, I could be the partner that he needs more than any new and unwitting stranger. But he can't let go of the past, which is basically the hurt I caused him before I knew the really strange rules of how he operates.

Will he learn? Possibly. Will you learn is the great question  Smiling (click to insert in post) To find out what drew you to him, where you may have went wrong.

If someone presents with BPD traits or the disorder itself the compatible person is really someone who can completely accept who they are. That person, in your case, would cater to his requests without expecting anything in return. They would be okay with "who he is" and find ways to manage their own feelings and frustrations based off his behavior. It's a tall order. Some people only last a few years. Some people make it decades (usually because of kids or marriage). But it takes a real self-assured person to succeed in a relationship like this (but they don't choose self-assured people because they would leave once the red flags started showing up).

I'm here to tell you there is nothing that could have been done after the past. Trust me, the first day I called her "mean" and "evil" when she left and went blank was the day I completely lost her. She will never forgive or forget those words. When I allowed myself to be recycled and she called it off after a month the first insight I got from her was "I guess I still have resentments about you." It seems like people who struggle with this really hold onto resentments. At least in my case it was like that.

And I want to speak freely. But after my relationship I came here speaking the same kind of way. How caring, attentive, and understanding, and patient I was with her. The reality? No... .no I did many things wrong which had every right to hurt her feelings. I was not a saint in any respect. Did I love her more than I ever loved someone else? Yeah. Did I sacrifice more for her than anyone else? Yup. Did I at times cause her unnecessary stress and anxiety? Absolutely. Did she tell me that I was driving her crazy after the breakup? More than once she did.  

I'm only bringing this up because you don't have to blame yourself for his behavior. But you might find benefit from turning inward a little bit to see your relationship dynamics and how you operate in more intimate relationships as well so that you don't repeat the same pattern with another partner.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
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Posts: 208


« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2017, 06:32:56 AM »

How did you two meet? Why did he leave his marriage?
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2017, 07:23:00 AM »

Unless you are God and you specifically opened up his limbic system,amygdala, hippocampus, thalamus, hypothalamus and used some tools to rewire everything, its NOT YOUR FAULT.

Codependent people ALWAYS things its their fault when dysfunctional people act... .dysfunctional. That is OUR dysfunction. To blame ourselves, to believe the blame they toss at us.

Stop.

Research BPD via Youtube videos - watch the lectures - learn about why they do what they do. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you cant control it.

Don't own something you didn't buy. The only ownership you have is that you stayed as long as you did (as we all did) thinking you could "fix" it. Only they can do that.
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Zemmma
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 171


« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2017, 08:26:56 AM »

Sure. We knew each other for 3 years in a professional capacity. My husband left me suddenly. My BPDex left his wife because he was unhappy, bored, unsatisfied, had problems (so he said).

But I know what drew me to him. I was at the darkest place in my life. I had to tell him something was going on in my life because of our professional relationship. I wasn't meeting deadlines and was cancelling appointments and that was affecting him personally and financially. I felt bad about him so I had to say something. At first I didn't tell him what was going on, only that something big and personal was affecting me because although I knew him well and for a long time professionally- it was not a personal relationship.

But when I told him something big and horrible was happening in my life, just saying the words made me cry a little. I felt stupid and left. Over time, he asked what was going on and when I finally told him he saw it as  a door opening. Although he had known me for years in a professional/ platonic way, he said he had feelings for me. When he saw my marriage was ending and his was ending, he said it was like an open door.

So I am sure I fell for him because I was really desperate and lost and sad. (And because he has lovely qualities of course). I was devastated. My world was falling apart. My husband said some really, really, REALLY mean things as he left me. There is a deadly, horrible disease that runs through his family, that \ torturously kills you over a short period of years... he said he would rather die of that disease than stay with me (the disease that killed his grandma, uncle and two cousins). Now that is mean! Very extreme considering we had a beautiful life with two kids. We'd been together and kind to each other and happy (at least on the surface) for almost 3 decades. So this is the state the BPDex found me in. And he told me how wonderful and beautiful I was and he wondered how anyone could leave me and he told me and showed me how I had been neglected for so many years (ex-husband wasn't much of a communicator, and had intimacy issues r/t childhood, sexual abuse). So yes. That's why I fell in. Of course I was attracted to that. He listened, he put me on a pedestal. It helped me get through. I remember telling friends that he must have a "genetic flaw" that makes him think I am the perfect woman. He seemed to love everything about me. He thought everyone in the world must also be that enamoured with me (thus the jealousy and suspicion). They are not. I am attractive, but certainly normal (like most women- beautiful in my own way).

So this relationship is not a continuation of a pattern for me. There was nothing similar in my r/s with my husband. We didn't have jealousy, or snooping, we were not co-dependent. If anything we drifted at the end, after we had kids. But it was not dysfunctional and had none of these r/s dynamics. I am sure my trauma and the BPDex brought these conditions to this r/s.

So yes, I was MESSED up for a number of years. Going through the division of property, child custody issues, being alone in a big house with all of the extra responsibilities. I geared up in an attempt to gain some control of my life. I started major renovations and went back to school to get my Masters degree. Was I the perfect girlfriend through all of that? Certainly not in the beginning. We were friends at first and told each other too much about our exes for one. We were support for each other regarding separation and divorce. Too much was said. He always thought lovers should tell each other everything. So we said a lot. I would never do that again!

And could I be the perfect woman for him when I was literally just trying to cope? Trying to tell my kids that daddy was moving out? Trying to figure out if my husband had left me for another woman? Trying to figure out who my real friends were and who went with my ex-husband... trying to navigate the r/s with my mother in law of 30 years who I loved dearly and who was on "my side" complicating the crap out of everything.

So I am sure I can be a better partner now that life has a new normal. I am fine now. My exBPD didn't like it when I started getting myself together. He said that I fooled him into thinking I was this wild party girl who would stay up all night and enjoy his drunken craziness... He said, "You were trying to get better from that, but that is who I am." He said we weren't compatible anymore. We didn't see "fun" in the same way anymore. He didn't want to hear about my renovations because he lives in a basement apartment and was jealous I had a house, and more jealous that he would never live there. He wouldn't travel with me because he never had any money and didn't want me to pay. He made fun of my degree in Counselling Psychology- couldn't understand why I would need to work so hard, because it was "just a part-time degree" (he has a Ph.D). And he was suspicious of therapists and basically thought it was crap and he could get way more out of a talk with his best friend (arguing for that as though I was telling him therapy is better than or even comparable to friendships.

I did learn things that would help me in another r/s if I ever fall in love again. I think this taught me to be more empathetic. Listen more. The walking on eggshells has made me 'careful' with other's feelings. To be honest, i had a very uneventful, "normal" childhood. Storybook really. Parents have been married more than 50 years. I don't think I understood the pain that either of my ex's were living with. I was naive- maybe clueless. I never dreamed I would EVER get divorced. I reassured my kids it would never happen. Because I had never felt serious pain (except for the death of one cousin), I probably wasn't sensitive enough to pain. I probably didn't ask or listen enough. Those are things I have learned. I am truly a different person for all of this pain. (A more UNHAPPY person ! , but who knows, maybe a better friend and partner). I am committed to self-growth. I am committed to being a good mother and partner and friend. I will try to be less selfish or self-focused or focused on my kids or business, so that I can better support a partner.

So yes, room for growth. I thought I could use all of these new mean skills to repair this r/s but its obviously too late.

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Harley Quinn
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2839


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2017, 09:38:30 AM »

Hi Zemmma,

Excerpt
He tells me I'm the only one who has ever made him feel or behave like this.

This is eerily familiar to me.  I was told that I was the only person my ex had ever told that he loved, also that I was the only person he was physically violent towards.  You say your ex was unhappy in his marriage.  Is it possible that his wife at the time was told the same things you were?  Perhaps every ex? 

One thing I picked up on in your initial post was this:

Excerpt
-I am defensive when attacked= his attacks would escalate

What you describe here is natural.  Unfortunately, when communicating with a person who is suffering emotional dysregulation, we must side step our natural reactions and respond with a strategy to reduce the emotions.  If this is something you wish to learn more about, either with a view to rekindling the relationship, or to support you in possible future interactions, one suggestion I have for you is to look into effective communication and validation when relating to a pwBPD.  There are a number of good articles and lessons on the Saving board, if you're interested in taking a look.  Should you re engage in time, I believe they may save you some heartache and fear around the escalation of these attacks you describe.  I learned about effective use of validation too late however once implemented it did make a great deal of difference.  I also used a 5 step process which is described in the book 'Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder' by Shari Y. Manning PhD.  This too, was very effective during our LC, to the point where we were able to move past his dysregulation to continue a normal conversation.  All good tools to have in the bag for any future interaction with someone emotionally sensitive.  Could be worth a look.

Excerpt
I will try to be less selfish or self-focused or focused on my kids or business, so that I can better support a partner.


Ideally a partner in a healthy relationship won't need to imbalance your self focus, focus on your kids or business in order for you to be supportive.  In a healthy relationship we should expect to be supportive of one another equally and that self care, family and personal/business interests be respected and encouraged by our partners, and vice versa.  Everyone is deserving of this.  Right now, you are the most important person in your life.  Your kids need you to focus on you and in order to heal, you do at the deepest level.  Look after yourself Zemmma.

Love and light x     
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