I think he has BPD

[6rock]

Hey Everyone,

So I have been with my partner for the better part of 6 years, the first half being long distance and the other in the same place.
We have always had a very tumultuous relationship where he is super hot and cold, one day he loves me and the other he does not. I have said to him on many occasions that sometimes I feel like I am dealing with two very different people. 
General examples of things I have experienced with him
1. He would give me his word about something or we make a plan which we discussed and agreed to and on the date for execution of the plan or nearing the date he changes his mind without any warning, without an apology for the distress that he has now put me in.  When I ask him why he changed his mind , he does not know and the only thing he says is that he has a right to change his mind. Additionally, he never apologies and cannot seem to fathom that his actions has an impact on me. Generally he changes his mind quite abit, he doing something then his isn't, he's going somewhere then he isn't.

2. Our relationship is very cyclical, we would have a few weeks of "normal" relationship stuff where we communicate, hang out etc and then out of nowhere sometimes his mood just changes, I call this the bad part of the cycle. During the bad part he is distant, aggressive, cold and very harsh and says very hurtful things. He comes across like he could care less about my feelings or my very existence, but to him he is always fine.

3. During the bad part of the cycle especially, is when we break up the most. He has often said that he is emotionally unavailable or that he feels nothing or that he does not know what he is feeling. He usually seems to need a lot of distance during this time.

5. I found out earlier this year he had several affairs over the course of our relationship, when i asked him why, he does not know, they were just things that happened. Lately, I find that his pornography watching has increased.

6. He has a very rigid personality, very black and white. There is no grey area or compromise. He has had antagonistic situations at work and I have told him on several occasions that he does have a very difficult personality to get around and that I am sure at times that can rub people the wrong way.

4. Over the years, he has broken me. My self esteem is shot. Because his mood swings occurred without warning, and his outburst seemed only to be directed at me, I would rack my brain to find what I did wrong. In my mind it was always my fault because there was so much anger directed toward me.  I tried standing up for myself on some occasions and this made things worse. At this point, I am so hyper vigilant about his episodes that I feel myself being excessively cautions around him, not wanting to say or do anything that would upset him.
Additionally, he is highly critical of me, about the way I do things. He is the consummate perfectionist. There is a right way and a wrong way to do things, no in between, and everything around him must be done the "right" way.

I have been doing research over the years to try to figure out what was up with him, for years I thought he had Bipolar or a "split personality." I have said several times to friends trying to figure out his behavior that it feels very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde- ish.

So I guess my question is, is this the general BPD experience. I am not sure because from my reading it says that many of them are suicidal but my bf has never been that way, at least not that I know of and he comes from a good family background. I dnt know that he has abandonment issues. I have suggested that we go to therapy just because of how intense the bad part of the cycle is and I dnt know how to handle him when he is in that state but he has refused.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi 6rock,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, many pwBPD have an underlying clinical depression / anxiety, some but not all pwBPD are suicidal, someone may show a few traits while others will show all of the traits, it's a spectrum disorder with different severity of the disorder.

6. He has a very rigid personality, very black and white. There is no grey area or compromise. He has had antagonistic situations at work and I have told him on several occasions that he does have a very difficult personality to get around and that I am sure at times that can rub people the wrong way.

Black and white thinking usually points at a mental illness, also you have to display rigid thought patterns for 6 months or more. You're right a pwBPD can't see people as an intergrated whole with both good parts and bad parts, a good person has bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities.

We're not proffesionals and can't diagnose, what we can look at are BPD traits. BiP tends to have longer windows with mood swings while a pwBPD can cycle through different modes several times a day. I'd suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, we have tools that will help you in a r/s with a pwBPD, you can transfer those skills to all sorts of r/s's. Reading about the disorder helps normalizes the behavior, there are scientific proven facts on why he behaves the way that he does, it also helps with depersonlizing the behaviors.

    
BPD: What is it? How can I tell?