Dealing exs or friends

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was wondering what to do about a situation.   My wife clings to relationships from the past.  She has a friend, a man, that she considers one of her dearest friends.  I know there were feelings of intimacy before we started dating.  She gave him the option to pursue but he backed off and my wife and I started dating.   Now married, she still sees this friend once a year and has constant contact with him.  She reinsurance me there are no feelings from her to him, only friends.   I know however, he still has feelings for her.  She will be going on a trip to the west coast with my son and step daughter.  She wants to spend a night in his house on the way.  I'm really insecure about it.  Not sure what to do and I wonder if anyone had advice.  Thank you.

[Kcroyal]

I was wondering what to do about a situation.   My wife clings to relationships from the past.  She has a friend, a man, that she considers one of her dearest friends.  I know there were feelings of intimacy before we started dating.  She gave him the option to pursue but he backed off and my wife and I started dating.   Now married, she still sees this friend once a year and has constant contact with him.  She reinsurance me there are no feelings from her to him, only friends.   I know however, he still has feelings for her.  She will be going on a trip to the west coast with my son and step daughter.  She wants to spend a night in his house on the way.  I'm really insecure about it.  Not sure what to do and I wonder if anyone had advice.  Thank you.

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[BeagleGirl]

A few questions -

How do you know he still has feelings for her?

Will the kids be with her when she spends the night at his house?

How long have you been married?

In that time, has she ever said anything that indicated she wished she'd married him instead?

I'm a bit torn on the advice I'd give, so the answers to the your questions might help.  I'm a married woman who historically has and currently considers a number of men "close friends".  I'm also a woman who allowed a friendship to turn into an emotional and then physical affair, so I can see both sides.

My gut is that, if she has never given you reason to suspect that she harbors fantasies of more than a friendship with him and she is open with her communications with him, you should honor that with trust.  It's also less concerning if she is being "chaperoned" by the children.  Putting restrictions on her interaction with him will communicate a lack of trust in her and could make him the "forbidden fruit" that she starts hiding from you (self fulfilling prophesy).

If you have clear reasons to suspect that he still has feelings for her, it might be possible to communicate with her what you know and frame your concerns around what could potentially happen to their friendship if his feelings got the better of him and put them in a compromising situation.  It could be presented in a "men don't always think clearly, especially with a beautiful woman under their roof.  While I know you could handle yourself in that situation, I worry that your friendship with him might be damaged.  I would feel more comfortable if you were able to avoid that possibility by staying at a nearby hotel and just hanging out with him.  Would you be willing to consider that?

If trust has ever been broken, it is appropriate to put firm boundaries around her contact with him, but then you have to be able to monitor what she does when you're not there and there need to be consequences for her crossing the boundaries.  If that's the case, let us know.  I might have other advice for that situation.

BeagleGirl