violence

[completelylost]

My partner of nearly six years has BPD, we have two children together and another one due in two months. I'm really lost and struggling with what to do and whether I should stay or not. We've had a few problems in the past but managed to improve our relationship but things seem to be slipping again. Over the past month or so my partner has started being physically violent towards me again. It started as just pushing but in the last week I've been punched, had my head banged on the floor and had things thrown at me. I don't know what to do anymore I feel like I should get out but I'm scared because he's told me he wouldn't let me take the children. The violence had stopped for almost two years so I also don't know whether to leave because I know things can be good. Just feeling so lost and need to talk to someone, I feel embarrassed and scared to talk to any of my friends or family because they all believe that everything is ok and I don't want them to judge him again as they did last time he hurt me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi completelylost, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us, many of the members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, the platform is designed around no judgment and no invalidation for your thoughts and feelings. You can share freely, it's a safe place. I'm glad that you reached out, it takes courage and I can understand how difficult it is to talk about physical violence, I have to ask though, are you safe right now?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi completelylost ,

Making the decision to stay or go, especially in the midst of domestic violence can be very tricky. Ultimately that decision will be up to you, but while making that decision, it's important that you begin to set a plan for you and your family to quickly leave if violence begins.

Make a pre-decision at what point you will leave the house, such as if he starts to yell at this level, or if he begins to use this behavior or say these words. Try to determine something before your SO gets to being violent.

Pack some bags for you and your kids and keep them hidden away in the car. Same for a little money. I have about $50 tucked away into a place in my car that my H will not ever think to look. I also have a bag with some clothes in the truck.

On days that it seems like things may get violent, maybe you could leave your keys in your car so you could make a quick escape. I began doing this when my H began realizing that I was no longer scared to leave the house. When he started to get mad, he would move my purse and keys to place where I would have to get past him to get them. From that moment on, I decided I would never leave myself without an out. If he seems more agitated than usual, I leave my keys in the ignition ready to go.

Lastly, get to know your neighbors. If for some reason you cannot get to your car, if your neighbors know you they may let you find shelter there until you can call the police or get someone to come pick you up.

Here's a link to our resources on safety first:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

[sweetheart]

Hi completelylost and welcome,

You have a voice here that won't be judged or criticised. There will be many of our members who will be able to identify with your current situation. You mentioned that there has been violence in the past, did you access any support then to help and if you did can you access it again this time? What worked for you before as you say things have been stable for some time now?

Mutt has asked whether you are safe now, I would like to echo that concern, are you safe?
Do you feel able to explore with us what keeping yourself safe might look like. If you feel there is no immediate risks we can help you put together a short term Safety Plan for you and your children.
We can also help you explore possible confidential support agencies in your area.

How are things today, how is your pregnancy progressing, you have a lot going on, i'm really glad that you found us. Keep posting and letting us know how things are.

[completelylost]

Thank you for the advice I already have cash tucked away and a few things at a close relatives in case things get bad. I am safe right now, we have discussed every thing that happened and things seem to be alot calmer. We didn't get any help last time we just kinda talked our way through everything until it was manageable. Hopefully we can do the same again. Has anyone else been in a similar situation Before?

[MrRight]

Thank you for the advice I already have cash tucked away and a few things at a close relatives in case things get bad. I am safe right now, we have discussed every thing that happened and things seem to be alot calmer. We didn't get any help last time we just kinda talked our way through everything until it was manageable. Hopefully we can do the same again. Has anyone else been in a similar situation Before?

Not quite - but my wife (pwBPD) has been consistently violent throughout our marriage. Nothing too much on a day to day basis except for kicks and punches - I have ha a pair of scissors sticking out of one foot however and been struck full on with a rolling pin.
However - I am a strong man and can defend myself adequately of necessary. Having your head banged on the floor seems to suggest you are in considerable danger. I do hope nothing really serious happens. Good luck.