When they send the last message saying they love you etc

[lucky013]

We've currently split, and well as you know its never a clean breakup. It come down to the end telling her that, no matter her arguement it was always about her.

The last text: " I love you, and i want you in my life and it took not having you for me to realise how much of a prick and ungrateful i was being, and no neither of us are perfect and yes we said this has happened so many times and nothing happened, because we never broke up we never did anything and now its like i can see it all clear as day and its too late but i suppose that life. So i hope you find someone who you can be happy with because as much as i give all this abuse and try and hurt your feelings its only because I'm hurting too and I'm sorry i promise il stop all of this"

I havent replied, I wanted to hear some more thoughts.

[roberto516]

We've currently split, and well as you know its never a clean breakup. It come down to the end telling her that, no matter her arguement it was always about her.

The last text: " I love you, and i want you in my life and it took not having you for me to realise how much of a prick and ungrateful i was being, and no neither of us are perfect and yes we said this has happened so many times and nothing happened, because we never broke up we never did anything and now its like i can see it all clear as day and its too late but i suppose that life. So i hope you find someone who you can be happy with because as much as i give all this abuse and try and hurt your feelings its only because I'm hurting too and I'm sorry i promise il stop all of this"

I havent replied, I wanted to hear some more thoughts.

I literally sent something like this to my ex. It's eerie. I guess the reason I did it was clear state of mind. I don't have an answer for ya but I literally sent things like this to her after the two discards when I went into rage mode over text. She never responded to those. So I wouldn't respond if you want him just to stop. Because her lack of response has finally made me stop reaching out.

[Mutt]

Hi lucky013,



I guess that depends, do you plan on reconciling?

[lucky013]

I literally sent something like this to my ex. It's eerie. I guess the reason I did it was clear state of mind. I don't have an answer for ya but I literally sent things like this to her after the two discards when I went into rage mode over text. She never responded to those. So I wouldn't respond if you want him just to stop. Because her lack of response has finally made me stop reaching out.

Yeah I've been there too, i know its her closure for her, as the relationship didn't really improve the whole time tbh. Im just looking for others to make sure I'm making the right decision.

[lucky013]

Hi lucky013,



I guess that depends, do you plan on reconciling?

As friends would be nice in the future but right now its all to raw for her and myself. Im not sure it will be anytime soon, as none of the BPD relationships i have ever worked, either because they were unhealthy, the lying, and the manipulation

[Roselily]

Hi Lucky, I'm sorry you are experiencing this, I realise how hard this must be. In your post, when this said they loved you,and wanted the best for you regardless, It doesn't sound like something coming from a BPD. Were they diagnosed professionally? As far as answering goes, that is totally up to you, but if me ... unless I felt I was being manipulated ... ( only you know that from experience with this person)
I would answer with honesty... I guess it comes down to where you are ... and what you want. Hope that helps! Good luck!

[stimpy]

To me it sounds like she's had a moment of clarity and is seeing things as they really are, maybe for the first time.

If I had received something like that when my ex and I  were still in the process of disengaging, then I'd have been very tempted to reply, because to me your exes message seems heart felt and genuine. But also, like I said, it may just be a moment of clarity and nothing more than that and it won't last. So replying may just lead you back down the rabbit hole... .

I'd be very careful.

If you do want to reply, it might be worth thinking of SET as a template... .

Support
Empathy
Truth

Just a thought... .

[lucky013]

Hi Lucky, I'm sorry you are experiencing this, I realise how hard this must be. In your post, when this said they loved you,and wanted the best for you regardless, It doesn't sound like something coming from a BPD. Were they diagnosed professionally? As far as answering goes, that is totally up to you, but if me ... unless I felt I was being manipulated ... ( only you know that from experience with this person)
I would answer with honesty... I guess it comes down to where you are ... and what you want. Hope that helps! Good luck!

Saying they love you and want the best for you may be true but only at that specific moment, but when we were together, she is the quiet waif type and it all seems fine when life is falling apart but she smoked weed all day everyday. We could only go to places she felt comfortable, she would never come to my house and if it wasn't done her way that was it all hell would break lose. Like even diy and I'm a builder she would tell me I'm doing it wrong, or when cooking everytime i would try and help she would shout at me but wouldn't let me leave the room as she wanted me around so i was suppose to not get in the way and just stand there. She was very controlling, yes she was admitted to a mental hospital and has been in therapy years, was mis-diagnosed for years thinking it was ptsd. She had a abusive childhood.

[lucky013]

To me it sounds like she's had a moment of clarity and is seeing things as they really are, maybe for the first time.

If I had received something like that when my ex and I  were still in the process of disengaging, then I'd have been very tempted to reply, because to me your exes message seems heart felt and genuine. But also, like I said, it may just be a moment of clarity and nothing more than that and it won't last. So replying may just lead you back down the rabbit hole... .

I'd be very careful.

If you do want to reply, it might be worth thinking of SET as a template... .

Support
Empathy
Truth

Just a thought... .

I tried to be nice about the breakup took me months to decide to do it, we had loads of chat and arguments. I do believe that she did care for me more so than other BPD relationships i have been in (surprise surprise not my first time), but the abusiveness of the relationship was definitely there. I doesn't really matter if people say they love you, if they treat you bad once or twice fine but all the time and you can't do anything without conflict that isn't love. Your just a chess piece being moved around the board

[GuySmiley]

We've currently split, and well as you know its never a clean breakup. It come down to the end telling her that, no matter her arguement it was always about her.

The last text: " I love you, and i want you in my life and it took not having you for me to realise how much of a prick and ungrateful i was being, and no neither of us are perfect and yes we said this has happened so many times and nothing happened, because we never broke up we never did anything and now its like i can see it all clear as day and its too late but i suppose that life. So i hope you find someone who you can be happy with because as much as i give all this abuse and try and hurt your feelings its only because I'm hurting too and I'm sorry i promise il stop all of this"

I havent replied, I wanted to hear some more thoughts.

This sounds so very similar to texts I get from my xBPD girlfriend (now married) whenever I call her out on her sh*t and she decides it's best for us to never speak again (again).

It's kind of a 'closing the door on you' strategy that shows a hint of remorse, compassion and empathy that allows her to walk away but still leaves a few crumbs (remorse, compassion & empathy) for you to latch on to.

She says neither of you were perfect but I'm betting a king's ransom that you probably did nothing but treat her like a princess and dote on her - and yet she still can't see that it was her actions that (probably) were out of line - and yet she's half-blaming you.

She shows empathy, remorse etc, but she also doesn't mean it. She won't 100% own the results of her actions, she just doesn't want to lose the grip on you.

She says she wants you in her life but now it's too late etc - she wants you to reach out and say "no, no - it's not too late, it's never too late" - at which point she'll get cold feet and push you away again, knowing you're there to be pushed/pulled as/when she needs you.

My advice, it's tough, but don't fall for her emotional manipulation (which this is) - just bail.

[lucky013]

I treated her how people should be in a relationship with respect but wouldn't put up with bull___ princess requests because you just encouraging them, if they can control you like that and get there own way they will do it again and manipulate you like that.
She just doesn't like the fact she isn't in control of the relationship but she never was in control as I've been in relationships similar to this before but they were undiagnosed and i thought i was the one going crazy all the time, i treat them amazing and get dropped. Whereas this relationship after a month i knew something was up and she told me she had BPD and the pin dropped.

I thought that because she had been in therapy a long time and being treated etc. It would be ok but i soon realised that it wasn't going to last i wasn't going to put up with being treated badly in a relationship, so if she ever threaten me id just ignore it or leave the house as it was her way or noway, so i just had to walk away. Believe it tried to talk to her was just emotionally draining, the arguments.

However i will say that she knew lots about cbt and dbt programs but she wouldn't listen to like saying healthy eating, exercise would help lots, but she continued to smoke weed. I'm not blaming her for the circumstances she's in as they do play a part but you have to try and take responsibility for yourself and that its not going to be easy but she would just go off the rails and think that i would stand for it, it was dragging me back down, that was when i knew i had to leave. I don't want to be divorced with kids and create more family problems in the future.

[Panshekay]

I tend to agree with GuySmiley... .the part where she says she abused and hurt you  was because she was hurting too is so typical of not taking ownership of what she has done. I hurt, we all hurt... .but I would never intentionally hurt or be mean to someone else.  I am very mindful, as I am sure you are. I think its a "pull you back in" ploy... .once back in... .what happens... .she will push you back out.  Also the " I promise I will stop all of this". How many times has she broken promises? 

[lucky013]

im not sure how many promises as such were broken but said stuff needed to change and it would just be a short temporary fix and then fall out again was so hard emotionally. its still hard but the despair isn't anything like as bad, we were dating around 8 months

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lucky,

If this is how you felt after 8 months, can you imagine what it might be like after 8 more months, or 8 years?  Sounds to me that much like my ex, she knows what to do to help her dysregulation, yet doesn't implement these strategies.  Knowing it and doing it are two different things indeed, aren't they?  I'd tend to cut your losses and take the time now that you need to heal.  If we can expect our exes to quite possibly be back in touch in the future, this time is vital for us now to do the learning about ourselves, get good at maintaining our boundaries and get stronger so that we might meet those potential future situations head on in a healthy clear headed way.  Look after yourself.

Love and light x

[lucky013]

Hi lucky,

If this is how you felt after 8 months, can you imagine what it might be like after 8 more months, or 8 years?  Sounds to me that much like my ex, she knows what to do to help her dysregulation, yet doesn't implement these strategies.  Knowing it and doing it are two different things indeed, aren't they?  I'd tend to cut your losses and take the time now that you need to heal.  If we can expect our exes to quite possibly be back in touch in the future, this time is vital for us now to do the learning about ourselves, get good at maintaining our boundaries and get stronger so that we might meet those potential future situations head on in a healthy clear headed way.  Look after yourself.

Love and light

I know, I guess it only helps that i have been here before and have learnt from my past experiences. Yes its so easy to know you in a abusive relationship and hearing it can be easy but doing something about it. Can feel like were losing our soul, I guess it comes down to cognitive dissonance, thinking that we think we can change someone else because we want to, it just doesn't work like that unfortunately.

I have heard people say that, no contact and blocking them is so mean, however they are only out to satisfy themselves and everything that comes out there mouth is truth, well anyone can make can lie, its only by seeing if they are trustworthy and respect you that the words are truth or false.

[GuySmiley]

First and foremost we have an obligation to our own happiness and well-being before anyone else's.

So lets get this clear, because I've read a few posters on here say that it's mean to block a BPDx - unless there's kids involved, blocking someone who hurts you in any way and going no contact is not mean.

[lucky013]

Even though i know it wasn't meant to be, it still doesn't make it hard at times, spending a lot of time with someone then nothing is hard to deal with. The things you miss about the relationship, fake or real still having to get over what was, it doesn't really get any easier after a being through this a few times

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lucky,

things you miss about the relationship, fake or real still having to get over what was, it doesn't really get any easier after a being through this a few times

The things that you experienced were real to you, and the associated feelings are just as real.  It is very hard to accept such a loss and it's important to honour those feelings by allowing them to happen, so that you can work through them and come out of the other side.  It may be that stopping the cycle is more painful in the short term, yet can be the answer to allowing that pain to pass in the long term.  You're not alone.  Others have gone before us and are living their lives now after grieving their loss, having learned about themselves and going on to have healthier relationships.  Try to be kind and compassionate towards yourself in the moment.  We're here for you.   

Love and light x