Still scared husbands BPD ex will try to come back

[doughnut83]

Just any insight or views would be great please,l.My husbands ex girlfriend was diagnosed with BPD whilst they were together , he broke up with her long before I came along but when we go together she started causing trouble by calling him day and all hours of the night wanting lifts here and there, coming round his house and leaving pictures of the both of them together up on the wall, even though since breaking up she had got married herself. She told him she was jealous of him being with someone new . At the time he felt responsable for her but then the more she began to demand his attention the more he said to her he didn't want to manage her anymore and he wants a life with me . She didn't respect that at all and the phonecalls got more and more with hanging up , so he changed his number but then she started emailing . He changed that too, and we have since moved away . Since then I have been so worried about her lack of care to try amd sabotage us . I sometimes check  her social media account out of being scared of us bumping into her and it all starting again , and I'm unsure if this is anything to be concerned about but , my husband collects old motorbikes , especially yellow ones, to take to shows etc, he always has done , she has gone and bought herself one which she says she is going to take to all the shows, is this her BPD not letting go do you think , am I being paranoid ?   This is turning me into a bag of worry and its stupid really ,but I just don't want all the drama she caused before going on again if this is maybe her way of seeing my husband again .

[Mutt]

Hi doughnut83,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'd feel concerned about that type of behavior being displayed by a parnter's ex. BPD is an attachment disorder where the person doesn't completely detach from an ex for example. It's not all bad news though.

She didn't respect that at all and the phonecalls got more and more with hanging up , so he changed his number but then she started emailing

The first thing that comes to mind for me is husband. What does her husband think about her behavior? I wouldn't worry about her, it's for her husband to worry about her. I also wouldn't worry about getting with her if he has boundaries, boundaries are there to protect and take care of you. Have you talked to your partner about his ex? If so, what has he said?

[Panda39]

Hi doughnut83,

I want to join Mutt and welcome you to the BPD Family too 

I can totally understand why you would be worried about your husband's ex reappearing with her stalkerish/harassing behaviors, but I think you've both already set some good boundaries by going no-contact with her.

I think you are being cautious by hoping for the best but expecting the worst (accidentally [or on purpose  ] running into her).  If this were me I would sit down with my husband and talk about how you both want to handle things if you do run into her.  Come up with a game plan together... .do you see her and leave, do you see her and do what you were doing and ignore her, do you politely (short and sweet) say hello and move on?  The one thing you obviously don't want to do is give out any contact information.  Be aware that she might try to use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to obtain what she wants.

Below are some links to more information on boundaries and FOG

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I'm glad you decided to jump in and post 

Take Care,
Panda39