Casper, my uBPD ghost.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey all.

So after 10 years together, my partner and I finally got married. Against all expectations I guess, so much so that our families would not book their flights til the last minute, you know, just in case.

Just in case it was called off or Casper told me she was done. Again. For like, the 18th time in 10 years. Because that is essentially the story of us. Casper was the girl of my dreams. In the beginning, she hung on my every word, gazed lovingly into my eyes, we'd talk all night and have good sex. She compared me to all her loser exes and told everyone I was the one, so different so kind and so respectful, so different from anyone she'd ever met. I felt cherished, if slightly nervous that I was put on some sort of pedestal, there was only one way to go.

I guess I/she was lucky as it felt natural to be a good partner to her. I was supportive and loving and always endeavored to put us before me, although careful not to jettison my own hopes, dreams and ambitions. Her family thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, so good for her, she's never been so happy. Casper always did suffer from poor moods and depression they warned me. It didn't take me long, about a year, to propose. She'd been dropping hints like boulders in a rockpool, mind. Otherwise, I may have waited a bit longer. But I did realise she was the one for me.

It took about two years for the cracks to show. First, after a misunderstanding she thought I didnt care enough about her. She told me I was losing her. I owned it, and genuinely apologised. But I was taken aback by how easy it seemed for her to threaten to walk over something so minor.

This became a somewhat regular thing. Next, when we discussed our wedding, when I didn't bend and break to her every whim and dare considered my own wishes, I was accused of not wanting to marry her. Bam, she's done. A few days later, I apologised and explained, it was quickly forgotten. The wedding never went ahead.

Cue years of this. Sulking, silent treatment, days of arguing over nothing. What I saw as her lack of 'bigger picture' thinking confused me. Why did she claim she saw everything in black and white. It blew my mind. She wanted to end things over everything from minor disagreements to twisted truths and suspicions that I was lying and manipulating her.

I did keep things from her. I wanted to save for our future. I chose not to tell her about my savings account because I didn't need an argument about her impulsive need to spend money on what she wanted or needed 'right now'. I felt bad about feeling unable to share the knowledge I was doing this for us. I felt guilty for keeping it from her.

After a break up following what she felt was an unflattering comment, we got back together when she realised she couldn't live without me. We got a joint account shortly afterwards, but now I felt justified about the savings. When (if) we get married,  I'll give her a great wedding gift to start our married life.

Lots more breaks or near breaks until for a solid year, we were in a great place. We planned our wedding, small but personal. She wasn't sure about inviting her parents. She was emotionally abused by her unstable mother as a child, and although they had a functional relationship when we met, it had gone down the pan in recent years, barely talking for several years. But they came in the end, and proceeded to ruin her wedding. She spent our reception playing marriage counsellor to them as they both hated each other after 30 years, threats of divorce hanging in the air. I gave her a card with a big check inside on our wedding night. That went down like the Hindernburgh.

All of this had an effect on her mood after we married. Always down, rarely up. She lacked confidence to do what she truly wanted in life, and was stuck in a job and had all the skills to move on, but her self-esteem and self belief was shot. We were arguing more, the name calling ('you are a piece of ___. No, you are a ___ing piece of ___' was my favourite) and tantrums towards me were increasing. I came across BPD. When I mentioned it, she felt it fit. I hate you, don't leave me - that's me in a nutshell, she said. She went back to counselling, put her name on a list for psychotherapy.

But still,  she didn't trust or respect me anymore. How could I not tell her about the money? Three times in three weeks I had my bags packed, I didn't want it, bit she said she did. Then she didn't. She didn't trust her own judgement. She burst into tears because she felt she was screwing everything up. Then she just went into Ice Queen mode. She accused me of blaming her for everything that was going wrong. She wouldn't let me have a conversation to own my own shortcomings of which, as a human, I have several. Then she was done. She'd been replaced by Mr Hyde. I wanted to discuss logistics, she blew me off. I wanted to talk about our dog. He's my dog she said. He's my dog now, she meant. I threw down a final boundary, tried to take the dog out for a walk. She flipped, jumped In front of the door and started screaming and crying. She called the police. She told me them I pushed her several times, despite the fact I never touched her.

I was detained and released. Now living with family. She's ghosted me. Cut me out of her life. Presumably  I'll get an email with divorce documents in a years time.

I'm hurt and lost and in turmoil. I love Casper, I really do. I married her warts and all, and have the integrity to stand by those vows. I've avoided my caregiver tendencies and left her be. I'd love to know what's going on in her head, though. I guess she's convinced she married the devil.

It helps me getting it all out there.

[ScottishKin]

Hey all.

So after 10 years together, my partner and I finally got married. Against all expectations I guess, so much so that our families would not book their flights til the last minute, you know, just in case.

Just in case it was called off or Casper told me she was done. Again. For like, the 18th time in 10 years. Because that is essentially the story of us. Casper was the girl of my dreams. In the beginning, she hung on my every word, gazed lovingly into my eyes, we'd talk all night and have good sex. She compared me to all her loser exes and told everyone I was the one, so different so kind and so respectful, so different from anyone she'd ever met. I felt cherished, if slightly nervous that I was put on some sort of pedestal, there was only one way to go.

I guess I/she was lucky as it felt natural to be a good partner to her. I was supportive and loving and always endeavored to put us before me, although careful not to jettison my own hopes, dreams and ambitions. Her family thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, so good for her, she's never been so happy. Casper always did suffer from poor moods and depression they warned me. It didn't take me long, about a year, to propose. She'd been dropping hints like boulders in a rockpool, mind. Otherwise, I may have waited a bit longer. But I did realise she was the one for me.

It took about two years for the cracks to show. First, after a misunderstanding she thought I didnt care enough about her. She told me I was losing her. I owned it, and genuinely apologised. But I was taken aback by how easy it seemed for her to threaten to walk over something so minor.

This became a somewhat regular thing. Next, when we discussed our wedding, when I didn't bend and break to her every whim and dare considered my own wishes, I was accused of not wanting to marry her. Bam, she's done. A few days later, I apologised and explained, it was quickly forgotten. The wedding never went ahead.

Cue years of this. Sulking, silent treatment, days of arguing over nothing. What I saw as her lack of 'bigger picture' thinking confused me. Why did she claim she saw everything in black and white. It blew my mind. She wanted to end things over everything from minor disagreements to twisted truths and suspicions that I was lying and manipulating her.

I did keep things from her. I wanted to save for our future. I chose not to tell her about my savings account because I didn't need an argument about her impulsive need to spend money on what she wanted or needed 'right now'. I felt bad about feeling unable to share the knowledge I was doing this for us. I felt guilty for keeping it from her.

After a break up following what she felt was an unflattering comment, we got back together when she realised she couldn't live without me. We got a joint account shortly afterwards, but now I felt justified about the savings. When (if) we get married,  I'll give her a great wedding gift to start our married life.

Lots more breaks or near breaks until for a solid year, we were in a great place. We planned our wedding, small but personal. She wasn't sure about inviting her parents. She was emotionally abused by her unstable mother as a child, and although they had a functional relationship when we met, it had gone down the pan in recent years, barely talking for several years. But they came in the end, and proceeded to ruin her wedding. She spent our reception playing marriage counsellor to them as they both hated each other after 30 years, threats of divorce hanging in the air. I gave her a card with a big check inside on our wedding night. That went down like the Hindernburgh.

All of this had an effect on her mood after we married. Always down, rarely up. She lacked confidence to do what she truly wanted in life, and was stuck in a job and had all the skills to move on, but her self-esteem and self belief was shot. We were arguing more, the name calling ('you are a piece of ___. No, you are a ___ing piece of ___' was my favourite) and tantrums towards me were increasing. I came across BPD. When I mentioned it, she felt it fit. I hate you, don't leave me - that's me in a nutshell, she said. She went back to counselling, put her name on a list for psychotherapy.

But still,  she didn't trust or respect me anymore. How could I not tell her about the money? Three times in three weeks I had my bags packed, I didn't want it, bit she said she did. Then she didn't. She didn't trust her own judgement. She burst into tears because she felt she was screwing everything up. Then she just went into Ice Queen mode. She accused me of blaming her for everything that was going wrong. She wouldn't let me have a conversation to own my own shortcomings of which, as a human, I have several. Then she was done. She'd been replaced by Mr Hyde. I wanted to discuss logistics, she blew me off. I wanted to talk about our dog. He's my dog she said. He's my dog now, she meant. I threw down a final boundary, tried to take the dog out for a walk. She flipped, jumped In front of the door and started screaming and crying. She called the police. She told me them I pushed her several times, despite the fact I never touched her.

I was detained and released. Now living with family. She's ghosted me. Cut me out of her life. Presumably  I'll get an email with divorce documents in a years time.

I'm hurt and lost and in turmoil. I love Casper, I really do. I married her warts and all, and have the integrity to stand by those vows. I've avoided my caregiver tendencies and left her be. I'd love to know what's going on in her head, though. I guess she's convinced she married the devil.

It helps me getting it all out there.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi ScottishKin and welcome!

Sorry to hear about what you've experienced and the pain you're suffering as a result.  It sounds like you've really been through the mill.

Now living with family. She's ghosted me. Cut me out of her life. Presumably  I'll get an email with divorce documents in a years time.

I'm hurt and lost and in turmoil. I love Casper, I really do. I married her warts and all, and have the integrity to stand by those vows. I've avoided my caregiver tendencies and left her be. I'd love to know what's going on in her head, though. I guess she's convinced she married the devil.

 

How long has it been since this happened?  Maybe she needs a little time to think and it's good that you are giving both her and yourself some space from the drama.  It can only benefit you, whatever happens.  

You seem very self aware about your caregiver role in the relationship and have mentioned boundaries, which you seem to be able to uphold (in not giving up your hopes and dreams as mentioned earlier in your post).  :)eep respect.  In contrast, I was useless at maintaining any boundaries at all so had nothing to uphold when things became totally dysfunctional.

I'm glad you've found it cathartic to type your post.  I find the same applies for me.  Getting stuff out is a good way to help ourselves work through it.  How are your family at understanding what you've encountered and are they able to be supportive?  

You've come to the right place to get support and gather knowledge.  So pleased you found the site.  I'd recommend you have a good look at some of the excellent articles and lessons.  Remember, you're not alone.  Everyone on the detaching board can relate to your feelings and understand the behaviours you've been dealing with.  Keep posting.  We're here for you.

Love and light x