Treading water - barely

[forlorn]

First, I am so happy to have found this site.  I am exhausted.  Although my significant other, whom I dearly love, has not been formally diagnosed with BPD, I feel fairly certain that that's what he's exhibiting. At least I can say that when I was reading the info on BPD Central, I found myself having to stop for a few minutes every so often because I was being flooding with emotion as I recognized myself and my partner in so much of what I was seeing.

I'm a huge believer in owning my part of the dance.  And I also know that some things will forever be beyond my control. But I've tried everything I know how to do, and nothing seems to help.  I don't want to leave this relationship without knowing that I've explored all possibilities, and I'm sure that there are things I can do to improve my own wellbeing.  Either that will help to improve my relationship or provide me the strength to walk away. 

But today, right here and now, I'm drained.  I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I'm sad, scared, paralyzed and heartbroken.  Hoping to connect with people who can share their wisdom.  I am so alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

It really can be exhausting being in a relationship with someone who presents BPD traits. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but also glad that you found us and hope that we can provide you support so that you don't feel so alone. From what you have said I think you belong here;  you will fit in;  your situation is like a lot of the  other members.

How long have you and your SO been together? Did something happen recently that caused you to start your search to understand what is going on in your life?

How can we best support you? There is a lot of information here - articles, workshops, etc. - and we'll help you find what you need.

You have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion and education. We are here for each other, and we also know how much it helps to write things out. Tell us your story.

Keep writing - we will help you get through this.

[forlorn]

Ahhh, where to start?  My SO and I have been together for 8 1/2 years.  The first several seemed great, but as I look back, there were some red flags that I totally ignored.  And really, I think I should be honest enough to recognize my tendency to be codependent and fairly lax with setting boundaries.  At first, and for at least 5 years, we did not live together.  I was raising a teenager, and it seemed better for all of us if we kept separate households. 

Once my son moved away, my SO moved in.  It felt to me like everything was moving in a great direction, but again I have to say that I rationalized things that should have set off warning bells. If he got what I felt was overly angry about something simple and insignificant, it was my fault for using a "trigger" word.  Just try to remember to use a different way of saying things. And it was okay if he stopped attending family stuff - I'm perfectly capable of going by myself. Only then I became "untrustworthy" because I wasn't saying what I really felt, and the return from events was met with some pretty uncomfortable moodiness. 

Then after about a year, I went back to college online. And that's where I think the definite turn for the worst occurred. It seemed like the more confidence I gained, the worse his behavior toward me became.  Name calling, punching walls, marathon arguments, and physical intimidation became commonplace.  At one point I started keeping a calendar of good days and bad days, and it was awful. Ten days of progressively building emotional abuse, leading into an epic explosion resulting in my turning into a sniveling mess and then a day or two of honeymoon.  He started staying up at night reading my school emails and papers and checking my phone for texts, even going so far as to compare the call/text logs on my phone to the actual detail on the bills.  It became very difficult to concentrate on school work - especially on weeknights, as he would often seem to pick a fight when I was starting to get into my work.  My grades were affected as several assignments were turned in late. 

In 2015 my son moved home.  What I thought couldn't get worse, did.  He is constantly finding fault with my son and subsequently my parenting that created the problems.  At times, he's right, but it's not so much what he's saying as how he's saying it and what comes of the conversation. Now, his fault-finding with me is extended to finding fault with my sisters and my parents, aunts, uncles, friends. 

I did manage to graduate college last year.  And it seems to have helped, albeit only marginally.  We have a few more better days than before. The name calling is worse, though.  I would say that it's a good week if I'm not "stupid" or a "piece of s---".  What changed?  Maybe my focus.  I am able to put more time in trying to anticipate needs and focus on our home and relationship.

The reason I started investigating BPD is because I started counseling and started looking for information about dysfunction in relationships, which lead me to some pages on BPD.  It was shocking to see so much of my life coming to me from other people's stories. 

Here's an odd note:  I had been seeing my counselor for about 7 months when my boyfriend decided he would come to counseling with me.  My counselor told me afterward that she was shocked when she saw me with him.  Her experience of me was that of an articulate, confident person.  And when we were together in her office, I was stammering, withdrawn and visibly shrinking into myself.  She also said that both she and her colleague had reviewed the video of the session and she wanted me to know that what I had said to her about being confused during arguments with my SO made sense.  I often end up shutting down because I have no idea what he's talking about or how we even got there.  My counselor said he seems to be coming from all types of angles and she had a hard time following him, too.

My SO never went back to counseling after that session, and now he finds fault with my counselor.  He also uses my going to counseling as proof of my craziness when we're arguing.

One thing I find very disconcerting is that when my SO is getting himself worked up, it's like he becomes a completely different person.  It can happen in a split second. Looking into his eyes is like looking at a stranger.  Is that consistent with what anyone else has seen? 

I guess what I want to get out of this is, well, me.  I want to find out how to navigate these waters in a way that leads to both of us being able to be ourselves.  I can't imagine that any of this feels good to him, either.  What am I doing that helps to perpetuate this?  I'm not into blaming - I just want things to be healthy.

[Five28]

"My SO and I have been together for 8 1/2 years.  The first several seemed great, but as I look back, there were some red flags that I totally ignored.  And really, I think I should be honest enough to recognize my tendency to be codependent and fairly lax with setting boundaries."

Welcome. I too, find many of the posts from other members shocking in that they seem to be slightly different versions of my life. As you said, my SO seems like a different person from one minute to the next. I sometimes think of her as "Sybil" (the movie about the woman with multiple personalities). She also has alienated herself from my family and does whatever she can to prevent me from visiting my elderly parents. When I do go, I can always count on being subjected to hours of the "stink eye" from her. Never fails. I've also been keeping a sort of log of noteworthy events for future reference, possibly court if it ever comes to that. Probably won't be admissible but some of the things are good to remember and can be proven with receipts or other methods. You are fortunate that you don't have children with this person or have married him. Not true in my case and it makes it so much harder to free oneself when children and marriage are involved. In my case I've been married to this woman for 37 years, and I did not notice the red flags when I should have. Had I known I would have run like the wind. In my situation, it does NOT get better with time. In fact, it seems to be getting worse as each year goes by. Now, I just live day to day hoping for some tranquility. Hope you find some yourself.

[tennysongirl]

hey, forlorn.

welcome! this site is an amazing resource.

wow. i'm sorry to hear about your situation... .relationships with an SO with BPD can feel like constantly navigating treacherous waters. but then there are also really really great times too, and so it makes for a very UP/DOWN dynamic, which is exhausting. so glad you're here, though! everyone here is lovely and so very helpful.

and you're not alone. i saw so many similarities in your story, especially with my own penchant for being lax on boundaries and slightly codependent. i see clearly the part i have played in rewarding the negative behavior over the years, and i'm trying to switch directions by setting definite boundaries, and this can be very difficult, since they often "get worse" when we set boundaries before they get better.

like you, i have been trying everything i know to do and nothing so far has seemed to work. currently in the middle of 30 day no contact after i called him on his silent treatment and he immediately demanded a divorce and moved out.
other things you say i also identify with. discussions that turned into raging on his part were my fault. he would behave miserably and withdraw for several days, and then everything would be ok until it was back to the moodiness, tantrums, and power-napping for 2-4 hours every day while i watched his son.
we had just moved to a new neighborhood and it seemed the more settled in the area i got and the more friends and job connections i made, the moodier and more withdrawn he became, the latest incident resulting in a silent treatment episode that lasted for several weeks.

his fault-finding with me has also extended to family and friends, my career goals, and even my parenting style with his son (6 years old). i always wondered why i felt like i could never do anything right, and now i realize why. it's interesting you mention what happened while you were going to school - i had mentioned perhaps wanting to go back to college someday soon and instead of the support i expected he immediately shot that down - too expensive, not worth it, and complained that i would probably meet someone else and leave him.

100% identify with not recognizing your SO when these episodes occur. i've known mine for 5, been with him for 4, and it seems like no matter how validating and accepting i try to be, he only continues to get worse, and lately i don't know who i married anymore. in a way it feels like he died and someone else is walking around in his body - i KNOW he is a wonderful caring human being with many great talents, and he's very intelligent, but when the "BPD kicks in", it is so opposite, and the things they say and do can be so very hurtful.

i also hear you on feeling drained. and yes, most days i feel like i'm losing my mind. this site has been so helpful for me though... .every time i feel like sending out an angry text or am at my wits end, i log on and just read through the boards, and it helps.

keep posting! and keep us updated! sometimes all the help we need is just learning that other people also have similar experiences... .at least for me, that is SO helpful.