If you take her at her word... .1. she doesn't want to have two serious relationships simultaneously - a decision that has many complex components to it that includes and goes beyond just the two of you. This is not what you want, but relationships tend to be paced by the least committed partner.
2. she doesn't want to x you out of her life after 14 years - she still wants to be in a relationship, just not a sexual one - she still cares about you.
This is very very hard for me to accept. Her behaviour certainly suggests that she doesn't want a serious r/s with me. I am not sure that she doesn't want a sexual r/s. I think she wants an easy r/s. However, those two things are almost impossible to achieve simultaneously. A sexual r/s by definition involves commitment and strong emotions. For me anyway.I do know that she cares about me, but that in itself makes it very difficult to accept even less than I had before.
As for blaming you for the suicide, it might be better to understand what she is experincing, rather than react to the words. Suicide attempts happen at peaked episodes in a depressed persons life. The depression has them standing near the edge - it doesn't take much to push them over.
When she said that your actions played a role, she is really saying that something you did or something about the situation was part of the crisis in her mind the day she made her attempt. Depending on how close to the edge she was, it could have been something that would not seem so threatening to make a suicide attempt or it could have been really significant. It's also possible that there was more than one thing driving her actions that day. She may have said the same to her husband.
The point is, there is depressive thinking, cognitive distortions, involved in suicide that neither her or you will be able to analyze and understand. So I wouldn't take it so personally - even though it is personal.
Funnily enough, intellectually I don't take it personally. I know it couldn't have been me that pushed her over the edge because we weren't talking. I think what did it was feeling lonely. Yes, I am responsible for adding to her feelings around loneliness and abandonment but I don't feel responsible.
Emotionally, I feel more responsible. She is a woman I love and I wasn't there for her when she needed me. On that level I do feel some responsibility.
I know her depression rules her life. I understand intellectually that pressuring her over these years has added to the pressure she feels which has exacerbated her depression. I understand that. It has been very difficult for me to stop the behaviour because it was being fuelled by addictive desire. Being in contact and not seeing her has been intolerable emotionally but I have tried to act like a grown up around this, no matter how painful.
I don't understand what drove her to it other than loneliness. She blames me because I wasn't there for her but she has no understanding at all of the reasons why I walked away - nor does she care much. I told her the other day that I was emotionally distraught at the time I walked away and I got it into my head that she was lying to me. She asked me whether I believed her now about not seeing somebody else. I replied that I did because I didn't think she would have tried to take her own life if she had someone else. She said she could never understand why I thought she had somebody else. I told her it was because of the silences and blocking me. She maintains that she will do that to everybody when she is in a bad place. I find that difficult to accept.
And the message I would take away is that she is in a difficult place and its best not to pressure her in anyway.
This is hard to swallow.
She said exactly that to me on Thursday 'don't push' when I asked her what I thought was an innocent question ie ':)o you have any plans to come to London.' She replied that she has to get her trust back. Not sure what she mistrusts me about other than walking away. The irony being that she does it all the time to me and feels justified. I did it once and she tried to kill herself. It is very hard to swallow.
Intellectually, you both know it is the moral and emotional health high ground. She was in the affair for unhealthy reasons. You were in it for unhealthy reasons. It was not headed to a heathy place - more likely it was headed to a more unheathy place.
When it was at its height it felt anything but unhealthy to me. It felt like I had met my soulmate. That is why it is so bloody hard to let go. I feel an inner emptiness and huge sense of loss not being with her. I had a lovely day with my wife today but the emptiness and desire for the ex will not go. I am actually pissed off that she dragged me into this whole suicide thing because had she let me go I would now be healing and perhaps my r/s with my wife would be further on. I can't help feeling betrayed, controlled and manipulated by her. She has got what she probably has always wanted: a r/s on her terms and to dip in and out with no commitment whatsoever. I have accepted it at the moment out of compassion for her mental health but in normal life when one person wants something that the other person cannot give, then you break up. I bit the bullet and tried to do that and I have been pulled back into what I consider to be an even worse situation.
Maybe its time to embrace the good part of the affair, embrace that it ended with no divorces and not injuries, and move to the next chapter.
I don't think it was ever going to end in that way because we both behaved honourably around each other's partners (apart from one time when she was drunk). Having said that, one never knows in life and I am grateful that my wife wasn't hurt by the affair. The only thing she has told me about her husband and what he found out regarding the texts is that they don't talk about it and it is the 'elephant in the room.'
The biggest challenge, I think, is not to embrace an unhealthy coping mechanism right now.
I am behaving very well towards her and not berating her or giving her a hard time about anything. Nothing about the situation as it currently stands feels healthy for me. In fact the healthiest thing for me to do is walk away.
I have always said that the way I feel/felt towards her was real love for me. Had she felt like she wanted to make a commitment to me then we would now be together. It would have been painful all around to end our marriages but for her I would have done that. I now feel annoyed at her that she strung me along and made me believe this affair meant more to her than it probably did. Even though she never said she would leave her husband, telling me how much she loved me in order to keep me onside has been very damaging. For my part I have been a fool. Had I not been so embroiled emotionally, I would have been able to see her actions for exactly what they were: the actions of a woman who does not want to break up her family or change her circumstances. I feel that the love has gone sour and I no longer want her in my life - certainly not as just a friend. She wants to remain connected because it only ever meant what it means to her now. Having somebody to make her feel better without commitment.
