The blues come in waves.

[NotOverHer]

Sigh... .here goes: I am happily married, but had an affair with a woman I am convinced has BPD. The affair lasted 14 months, then feel apart in a matter of weeks. I was on vacation with my 2 kids last year, and my wife was going to join us 4 days later. During the first days I was on vacation, my daughters met another sweet girl that they got along with very well. This is how I was introduced to Jess (not her real name). A beautiful, blond, tall and very sweet woman. She gave me her cell phone on our first encounter. I was not attracted to her at that point. But as the kids were playing together, we had more alone time to chat. Even though her husband was on that trip, there were a few random times where the kids would play, and Jess and I would be alone. At one point, on their last night on the island, the kids took off when we were all in the Jacuzzi. Her and I were alone, as a stunning full moon was rising, at the same time as a perfect sunset, and we were both left sharing cocktails in the Jacuzzi. It was a perfect evening. We all met up for dinner later that night, but this was when I noticed her staring at me, and feeling chemistry between us. She later told me that she was madly into me, and had to do everything in her power to not come on to me. They went home that night (my wife landed the next morning), and I woke up in the middle of the night with that funny feeling in my stomach, that made me realize I was getting a crush on this girl.

She started texting me, and I texted her back. Very innocent initially, but she started dropping emoticons like  in her texts. After a few weeks, I asked her to send me a selfie, since I have not seen her in weeks. She texted me a topless picture of her chest (which was anatomically perfect). I was dumbfounded, and surprised, but not disappointed. That was the last thing I expected, but it made me smile and made me feel good, that this beautiful woman, more than 20 years younger than me, was so physically attracted to me (I am a very positive person, exercise regularly, and don't look my age). She lives in a different city from me, about 4 hours drive away, but a city that I go to once a month for business.

Over the following year, the relationship grew. The sex was amazing, passionate and perfect. I felt needed and appreciated like I hadn't felt in decades. Now that I understand BPD, it all makes sense. I loved hearing how I was "The best relationship" she had ever experienced, as well as "The best sex", and being told I was the "Most amazing man" she'd ever been with.

When I experienced my first "What the heck moment" with her, she suddenly pulled away, acted cold, and snapped sarcastic remarks at me when I asked her if anything was going on. This started only a few months into the relationship (remember, we only seen each other about once a month. I was going to be seeing her the following day, and expected that she wanted to break it up. Quite the opposite, she was all over me when we got together.

Over the following year, it was a combination of her pulling away without any obvious reason, to her coming back to me, as the "Most amazing" man, sex, relationship, ... .

From what I have been reading, I am also the typical man that a Borderline woman goes for. Nice guy, sweet, easy going. I also found out that I can be labeled "Co-dependent" which was an interesting discovery for me.

Anyways, to go on with me story, she was beaten by her husband about 2 months ago, and at that point, she walked out on him, and was divorced within a few weeks (she lives in a state where uncontested divorces can be filed right away). This was now her second divorce. Once she was divorced, things were never the same. She was going through a rollercoaster of emotions, and I was left in the dust. We went from texting almost hourly during the day, and Facetiming 2-3 times a day, to where she wouldn't answer my texts for 3-4 hours at a time, and would FT me only about once a day (though she still kept telling me that she loved to FT me, and would ask me when could we FT again). When I would ask her what was wrong, she would say she was busy at work.

She had promised to come and visit me on a weekend away 1 month ago. She canceled at the last minute, telling me she just couldn't go, but didn't know why. I barely heard from her that weekend. She had met someone new. I was still very much in love with her at this point, but she was no longer in love with me.

About a month ago, she started pulling away, and not coming back. When I went to her city 3 weeks ago, she canceled the first evening I was there, when we were supposed to be together, saying she didn't "Feel up to it". She then called me later that night, crying, telling me how she had done something very upsetting, and that I was the only person in the world she could confide in. I felt special. Then she said "But you're not going to like it", and proceeded to tell me that she had met this guy in a restaurant 2 weeks before (a friend of one of her business acquaintances), and had had unprotected sex with him 3 times in 1 night, and that she was afraid of getting an STD. She had zero concern for how I would feel about it. Then she went on to say that he had bought her a ticket to fly her to see him (he lives across the country) for the weekend (that I was in town, hoping to be with her), and that though she didn't want to go, she would go.

The following day we had our last talk. I asked to meet her in person so I could get "Closure" on the relationship. We did meet at a local pub. We talked for about an hour. I told her about how much she had hurt me, and I did bring up the term "Borderline" as possible cause of all her pain and suffering, without going into more detail.

It's now been 3 weeks, and the blues come in waves. I still think about her all the time, though I am less depressed about it. She is still on my mind every morning when I wake up, but it is now less depressing. I am starting to get back my positive energy, and getting my determination back. But these waves of feeling blue and sad come in unexpected bouts. I think I'm doing well, where I realize I've gone an entire 30 minutes without thinking about her, then a few hours later, I feel sad, angry, and abandoned.

My wife has noticed the increased irritability and stress, but I am saying that is due to some other stressors that we've been dealing with recently. I love my wife. At no point did I ever think I would leave her for Jess. Even though things seemed perfect with Jess, my wife is a pretty cool person, and Jess seemed to be a perfect person to help me complete an otherwise fulfilling life. And even though I thought Jess was only the second person I'd ever met in my life, where I felt they could be a lifelong partner (other than my wife), I never considered the possibility of leaving my wife for Jess. It is amazing how someone with BPD can cloud your radar, and make you believe that they are perfect (at the beginning of the relationship).

I have not stated all the facts that have convinced me that Jess has BPD, but she's had the signs. From the risky behavior (unprotected sex, excessive drinking), complete lack of empathy about my hurting, moving on to a new partner as she was ending it with me, the unstable relationships, the swings between idolization and dissociation, as well as severely demeaning other partners (her ex-husband in particular, who she said loved transsexuals, and had once drowned a kitten), to accusing me of "Hooking up" with other women when I would be out with friends, as well as her alternating feelings of self worth (one day telling me "I know I could have ANY man I want", and the following day telling me "I don't feel I look good at all", to completely dissociating from me, and telling me she loves me and is in love with me, even a few weeks before it all fell apart.

I have to say that just writing on this board helps me feel better. I thought it would only take me a few weeks to get over her, but I have days where I feel I am progressing nicely, and other days where I feel I am right back to square one. We have had zero communication since our last meeting 3 weeks ago. No texts, no emails. I realize that this is the best way to do it. But it hurts. And I know the hurt will go away eventually. I just hope it is soon.

If you read this, please do not be judgmental about me cheating on my wife. I know it was wrong, but falling in love with someone else who seems perfect is not something that is easy to avoid (at least in my case). It is insidious, and by the time you realize it, it's too late.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? How long did it take you to get over it? Any recommendations? I have been keeping a journal of my feelings (it's safe, no one will find it), and I feel this has helped. But I'm open to any suggestion that someone may have to help me get over the pain. Thank you.

[Mutt]

Hi NotOverHer,



I'd like to welcome you to the site. I think that going no contact is a good idea, it gives you space and time to recover from your wounds. Your ex won't have the capacity to validate what you're feeling. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

A couple of tips from me, have you been feeling depressed for more than a couple of weeks? Have you seen your MD or GP about feeling my blue?

What do you think about when you think about your ex? Do you think about the woman that idealized you, or the woman that devaluated you, or somewhere in between?

[hopealways]

Very well written post NotOverHer and I recommend everyone to read this post.

You describe very perfectly a BPD situation.  I can read between the lines as well.
No I do not judge you for cheating. Your emotional needs were not being met by your wife + you met a woman who validated you emotionally and sexually + you're codependent: it is a difficult situation to run from.

As far as your question at the end regarding how long this takes to get over the pain etc.  The answer is really simple: your pain has nothing to do with her.  She merely allowed suppressed childhood wounds to surface which is the cause of your pain. Sure you could have continued in your not so great marriage and busy life never having the time to address these wounds but the BPD came into your life to force you to face them so here is your opportunity.  Seek therapy to address those wounds.  You probably grew up in a toxic war zone of a family where you were the emotional caretaker of probably your mom.  There is always a blueprint for the person who falls for a BPD.  Find yours!

[Panshekay]

Moving4ward... .you state
 "You probably grew up in a toxic war zone of a family where you were the emotional caretaker of probably your mom.  There is always a blueprint for the person who falls for a BPD.  Find yours!"

Can I ask where you got this idea from?  Maybe I have missed this information.  Our son is in the process of divorcing his uBPDW, he didn't grow up in a toxic war zone nor has he been the emotional caretaker of me... .Anyway... .

Welcome NotOverHer... .Our sons experience is they are great at deceiving others, excellent liars, risk takers, sex is always the greatest it's ever been, charismatic, beautiful, and dangerous. They will and can destroy your life and soul.  It's difficult for you now but I hope each day makes you stronger. You dodged a bullet. Be thankful she didn't tell your wife, employer, friends etc. Yep, they do that,  some of them never stop until they have destroyed your entire life and career.  The worst part of it all is they are believed. Our son is much like you, a nice guy, great father, did everything he could to make her happy... ."fed the monster"  it's been 10 years of hell and it's not over yet. Seperated almost 4 years, trying to divorce for almost 2 years, false police reports, false DHS allegations almost lost his nursing career and still might. Fighting for full custody of his S6 while his UBPDw is accusing him of molesting his S.   I hope you don't hear any more from her. I dont judge you  for cheating, no one is perfect and we all have our own journey. You are not alone. Glad you found this site.

[NotOverHer]

I am finding it difficult to reply to individual posts, as I do not see a “Reply” button that lets me reply to the replies on my post. Is there a way to reply to a post directly, or is the only option to post again to the initial posting?

To answer to the replies:

Mutt:
Thanks for your welcome. It does feel good to be here. I have been depressed on and off for about  a month. But overall I am doing better. Initially, I lost my drive and determination, and was finding it difficult getting every day tasks done. That is now over. I am back to being able to laugh with friends, get my work done, and feel normal most of the time. At times I think about her with a neutral “She’s someone else’s problem now”, and other times I get short lasting anxiety episodes (only a few minutes). Today, I cried for the first time that I can remember as an adult. I let myself cry, and I think it was a good thing to do. I felt better afterwards. I can still enjoy life. I am still happy most of the time. So I am hoping that the episodes of depression are normal (stage 4 of the grief process, right before Acceptance, right?). I do not feel I need to see a therapist at this time, but am definitely not ruling it out if I don’t feel I am continuing to improve. You asked me what did I think when I thought about my ex. It is both. Occasionally the woman that idolized me, but more often the lost soul that was detached and without love. I have gone back and forth with the stages of grief. Got over the denial phase quickly. Didn’t spend much time in Bargaining. But I have been going back and forth between Anger, Depression, and Acceptance, but slowly moving more away from Anger and Depression, and more towards Acceptance. But I realize it’s a process, and not one that can be bypassed. I am a very logical person, and realize that I have to go through that process, with or without a therapist. For now, I believe I am doing OK, and will hold off on seeing a therapist.

Moving4ward:
I grew up with loving parents. My dad was perfect. Hard working, loving, and would give the shirt off his back for us. My mom was the strict one, and though I resented her as a teenager, she still gave us nothing but love and encouragement. So if I have childhood pains that are repressed, I do not know what they are. And I have to say that my marriage is good. Yes, I cheated, but I do not love my wife less. There is a tremendous amount of mutual respect for each other. One would probably say “How much respect do you have if you cheated”, but the cheating was not a conscious decision. I was seduced by an uBPD and loved that journey (but not the end).

Panshekay:
Yes, I am thankful my wife didn’t find out. My uBPDex is a high functioning uBPD, with a career. She was also cheating on her husband (now ex-husband), so she had a lot to lose as well if she had tried to contact my wife. Thank you for your support. I am sorry that your son had a prolonged relationship with a uBPDW. I am finding out how difficult it was to get over a part-time affair with an uBPD, I can’t imagine what I would go through if I was married to one for years.

NotOverHer

[Hopeful_Me]

I stopped reading at "anatomically perfect" chest.

How does one who is "happily" married even dare to engage with another woman? Perhaps getting honest with yourself is the first part of healing whatever it is that consumes you.

[Panshekay]

I don't think you can respond to individual posts, I think how you did it is fine, that's how I do it... .but I'm not so computer savvy. Haha.  Remember, no one is perfect, everyone makes choices that they regret, and we never know what we will do until we are in a certain situation, and I know that because I have been there. Keep posting. Hope all is going well for you.