Couples therapy, first session tomorrow

[Doc Holliday]

Title says it all, and boy am I NERVOUS! My fiance ,who I have been with 3 years,known for 10 insist we go to couples therapy. She sees therapist and psych doctors all the time, and is on a methadone maintenance program, that I just recently discovered. Basically I have let her walk over me for years and still do because we have an 18 month old who loves his mommy and daddy and I really don't want to split because of him. So I have attempted to set some boundaries lately and they always end up in a giant blowup, that has culminated in her insisting I do therapy with her because"I am not the man I used to be" ie: a doormat. Anyone have any advice for a first session? She has no idea I know about her methadone clinic or that I am 99% sure she is BPD. If I bring up ANY things she percieves as a criticism tomorrow she will blow up and I know it. So what do I say to our counselor when I am asked questions? The truth makes her look very bad and will end in a crazy situation. I am just unsure what to do here?

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Doc Holliday:
I'm sorry about the problems you are having with your fiance.  I can understand that starting therapy can make you nervous.

Hopefully you are seeing a neutral therapist, and not one that either of you has been to for solo counseling before.  I've heard that some couples therapists automatically have an individual session with each person at the start of therapy.  If your's doesn't automatically suggest this, you should ask for it.  

The first joint session will likely be focused on what your goals are.  The therapist is working for both of you.  I would think that it would be valuable for the therapist to get individual (and confidential) input from each party, so each of you can express your side of the story.  Hopefully, if you can share your concerns  with the therapist (about expressing criticism), the therapist can help you with ways to bring up criticism during a session.

"I" Statement can be a tool for you to use. Avoid using "You" Statements and focus on either "I" Statements or "We" Statements The 19-minute video at the link below, is a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

The template and sample below could be helpful as well.

How To Use I-Statements:

Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________

State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________

Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________

Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .

Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:

I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood.

Check out the video and the template above. Additionally, a couple of samples appear below.  They might give you an idea about a type of statement that might apply to a future situation.

Sample 1
I love you and I want our conversations to be respectful and supportive.  I can see that you are having a bad day.  Therefore, I'm going to end this conversation.  I look forward to speaking to you when we can both enjoy a respectful conversation.

Sample 2
I want to have a mutually respectful conversation with you, but that isn't possible right now.  I'm going to end this conversation.  I look forward to (talking, texting, exchanging emails), with you when you are having a better day.

You may not need this for the first session, but it would be good to practice and write out some issues in advance in the form of "I" or "we" statements, per the formula above.  It will take a little practice, but the more you do it the better it will get.

[Alayne]

Good luck - I know how nerve wracking this can be. The good news is that counseling can give you new skills to use as well as reinforce the ones you're already working on.  It's frustrating that she wants to do it to "fix" you, but it's good in a way that she's open to help.

One thing to watch - I've seen it personally and heard it described as a BPD thing - is that they're very good at making you sound crazy. Be patient, avoid reactionary JADEing, let her communicate her side, and continue to work on your confidence in communicating your own views, wants, and needs. Depending on who you work with, they may not see BPD right away but the traits can come out over time.

She's undiagnosed BPD, right? If so, I'd fight every instinct to bring it up when she starts to sound unreasonable. The consensus seems to be that BPDs don't take it well. If you want to try to get it across to the counselor, try to slip in some of the language he or she will recognize. Things like:

"I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time."
"I can't describe it. Most of the time she's amazing and then it's like Mrs. Hyde appears out of the blue."
"I'm worried that if she doesn't like one thing I did, she'll think I'm a terrible person. It's all black or all white."
"When [x fight happened], I said something that invalidated her feelings and made it worse."

Those are subtle and helpful indicators.

Finally, think about yourself. It's easy to get wrapped up on her. What do you want? Who are you? How did you get here? You need and deserve personal attention too. Remember: It's not your job to protect the counselor or save face. They're adults and professionals. If anything, you might pick up some techniques.

[Doc Holliday]

Thanks for the input, we are actually seeing her personal counselor so I was thinking I may try to schedule some 1 on 1 time just to get some things out in the open. I'm sure the counselor knows at least some of her traits, as she does not hide it well. I am unsure her diagnosis, she has mentioned bi polar before and that may be, but her symptoms read like BPD and a family friend who has known us for years is a mental health professional suggested I look into BPD. That's when I found this place and what a relief it is to see I'm not alone. But keeping on topic, I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells and constantly find myself in a heads I win, tails you lose argument over tiny things. Last night she was in a good mood because a coworker had told her she looked pretty and had lost weight. I said yes I have noticed that also, that's great babe. This turned into how I thought she was fat/unattractive and I was a ___ty fiance for being so vain... .what? So yes even a compliment can trigger the devil to come out, making me just want to not engage in any dialogue, which then triggers the " I am rude,don't love her,etc conversation."

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Doc Holliday:

The therapy experience can differ from couple to couple.  A lot depends on the unique behaviors of each participant, the therapist and how impartial the therapist can be.  You will want to make sure you have a mutual understanding on a confidentiality agreement. 

Having a combination of joint and individual sessions can be a good thing.  Sometimes, however, when a therapist is used for ongoing weekly individual therapy for one person, and then joint therapy for the couple, there can be a conflict of interest.  Hopefully, the therapist can recognize it, if he/she begins to lose impartiality.  If you should notice a problem, you will need to address it and look for a different therapist (perhaps a therapist in the same office).

The article below is interesting.  It lists the pros and cons of using the same therapist for both regular individual therapy and couple's therapy.

www.therapyinla.com/articles/article0406.html

[Doc Holliday]

Well, the therapy session went about as I expected unfortunately. The therapist asked me what I thought was going on in the relationship that could be improved. So I mentioned some things like how I lack trust in her due to the recent discovery of the methadone, and how there is a repeatable pattern of deception and manipulation in our relationship. Well she blew up by crying and saying how I was making all this up, and she feels like I don't love her. Now the therapist noticed this and immediately moved the conversation a different direction, but I know the crying routine was bogus, if we were at home she would have become enraged at that. I really wish I could have said those things before our session to the therapist. So now we are home, silent treatment it is and she feels like I attacked her in front of her therapist. So the session was not as productive as I would have liked. We spent most of it retreating from her and focusing on how I need to meet her emotional needs. Nothing was mentioned about the stress and anxiety this causes me. It's like she manipulated the whole session to be a victim, because I brought up 1 fact about her dishonesty. I feel very disappointed, because I had hoped to get to talk about how I felt but instead that was second fiddle to her outburst, as usual. Not sure where to go from here?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Doc Holliday:

I'm so sorry your first couple's therapy session didn't go well.  I can understand how frustrating that must be for you.  Was another appointment made at the end of the session?  

Perhaps the therapist might be willing to speak to you by phone and address a couple of questions. A fair question to ask the therapist in private is whether it is a good idea to use the therapist for both your partner's individual therapy, as well as joint therapy.  If the therapist still thinks it is a good idea (after your first session), then have an individual session with the therapist, before another joint session.

Regardless of how things go with your partner's therapist, in regard to couples therapy, you might want to get your own therapist to help you work through things and make some decisions.  A decision to marry your fiance can have a big impact on your life, both mentally and financially.  One option could be to maintain the relationship the way it is, without marriage.  A second option could be to defer marriage, until such a time that you fiance starts being honest with you and your interactions improve.

I think you will find the thread at the link below (from the co-parenting board) interesting. It explores the logic of what is more damaging for a child - to be the child of a broken home (split custody), or to live in a broken home.

How old until child will be affect by borderline/narc abuse

Basically I have let her walk over me for years and still do because we have an 18 month old who loves his mommy and daddy and I really don't want to split because of him.  

Your son is a good reason to do your best to improve your relationship with your partner.  You might want to explore your options with your own therapist.  You definitely want to make things the best for your son, but it may not be in either your or your son's best interest for you to marry someone who won't admit to being on methadone or be honest.

Interestingly, I heard a discussion on the radio today between an MD, who is an addiction specialist, and a PHD.  The addiction specialist was very critical in regard to methadone.  He indicates that the withdrawal process for heroin is generally 5 days, but the withdrawal process for methadone can be 6 months. It was mentioned that methadone users are usually users for life. Even drug addicts who own up to their addictions are likely to have relapses.  I'm thinking that someone who won't admit to a problem will be more likely to relapse.  

You have no power to fix your partner. It is good that you are taking steps to stop letting her walk all over you.  Things will generally get worse, before they get better (while you start exhibiting healthier behaviors).  This article on EXTINCTION BURSTS
 could be helpful to read.

Take some time to explore your options and think through all the pros and cons of marriage with your fiance.  Although you believe at this time that marrying her will be the best for your son, that might not be the case.  Explore this with your own therapist.