theres some good stuff in the video, like:
-trust and intimacy are built slowly and over time (characteristics of healthy relationships)
-if someone puts you on a pedestal, youre both involved in an unrealistic fantasy
its not a very realistic portrayal of borderline personality disorder when we start talking about "targets" or using "love bombing" to hurt another person. its a mental illness of extreme emotions. intentions dont tend to be predatory, or any different than our own.
its clinically treacherous territory when we lump BPD and NPD together or use words like "malignant", especially considering what i will share below.
and it removes our opportunity to learn from our mistakes if we buy into a narrative that we were just good kind hearted people that were simply taken advantage of.
I'm slowly starting to realize that we cannot take what they do personally, it is not about US!
while it is true that people with BPD struggle with distorted thinking, and often act in ways led by it, our relationships consisted of two people who each played a role. how we got here is very much about us. most of it is explainable by human nature and dynamics.
That's the evidence I was looking for. I was so confused as I heard many people on these forums talking about how their BPD started going nuts on them weeks or months into the relationship and I felt like maybe the girl I dated wasn't disordered
i felt this way too, and i want to offer a bit of caution:
BPD is a spectrum disorder. Most of our exes are not in the "clinically personality disordered" category, but have traits of BPD (and can be very, very difficult people).
if you are finding that not everyones story aligns with yours, that is because our exes were as unique as we are, and one size does not fit all.
do be careful with internet lore about BPD - it is where urban legends abound. you will hear all sorts of different theories presented as fact, and it can be tempting to buy into the comforting ones that seem, on the surface, to fit. too many get stuck there, dont heal, and continue into dysfunctional relationships (me )
i dont mean to be a wet blanket
. it is pretty common to go from "its all my fault" to, after learning about BPD, "its all their fault". the truth is more complex and somewhere in the middle. i know i gravitated toward whatever made me feel good and validated me for a while, and it stalled my healing and my growth. as ex romantic partners, we really arent in a position to know the extent of our exes BPD, and if we put the emphasis of our recovery there, we can easily miss the forest for the trees.
youre having some doubts. my advice would be to not try to diminish those doubts, but probe them; probe them in your threads. work through them. we can help
