Hi I am in an open relationship

[Blimblam]

Hello,

So I am in an open relationship and my gf is constantly sort of freaking out with me then she runs to one of her friends for a few weeks to a month then she comes back to me and then the guys she was seeing are always like stalking her and she kind of leads them on.

It is almost like a routine that I expect to happen and I feel like there is no way for me to stop that cycle.  It is upsetting because she talks a lot of crap behind my back creating this like portrait of me as this bad guy then when she comes back she is always so sorry.

It is causing her a lot of suffering and I don't know if there is anything I can do about it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm sorry to say that it is very hard to change another person's pattern of behavior.   It sounds tough.

You can do things that will make it better. We're here to support you.

When you say you feel you can't stop the cycle, I'm not quite sure I understand how the cycle goes. I've got a few questions.

1. Has your gf been diagnosed with BPD? If so, is she getting treatment or therapy? If not, what makes you suspect she has BPD?

2. How much do you know about BPD? Have you read stuff here?

3. How long have you been in a relationship with your gf?

4. What kind of open relationship do you have with her? Do either of you have other long-term partners? Have either or both of you been in open relationships before?

[Blimblam]

1. well she is in therapy and her therapist believes that labelling her is counter productive.

2. Well I have been lurking and reading on here and some other places online also.  She just left again today though right before christmass so I decided to post.

3.  Well, it is kind of hard to say because we have never been exclusive really but 2 years I guess.

4.  Well it was for a long time not official and it followed the same pattern then but she always comes back so we decided that is our relationship because its what happens. That is why I guess you could call it an open relationship. She sometimes asks why we are not exclusive and I typically laugh it off telling her because she always leaves and comes back.

my main issue for me is the crap she talks behind my back. It is really upsetting because she creates this image of me as this bad guy that won't be exclusive and all this other stuff and then I have to deal with other people relating to that image of me.

Also the whole process seems really painfull for her and the people in her other relationships.

[Blimblam]

like a month ago. I was with her at a bar and I guess she ran into someone she had a fling with and that guy was all acting like he was better to me with his group of friends making rude comments and bragging. I endured like several minutes of the guy cracking jokes to his group of friends so I can hear. 

I couldn't take it anymore so I went over and told him she told me she stopped talking to him because hes bad in bed and he thinks hes funny and he isn't and it gets annoying.  Then he tried to take a swing at me and his friends pulled him away and dragged him away.  Then the bouncer accused me of starting fights and kicked us out! Now that I have been back to that bar since the relate to me as "the jealous bf whos gf cheats on him so he starts fights."  That kind of thing is what bothers me the most!

[babyducks]

hi Hondo,

I am glad to hear that you have been reading here and at other places.   There is a lot to understand about the nature of the relationships we find ourselves in.    and none of it is intuitive.

what makes you suspect BPD?    was something said?   do you notice traits?

what we say around here is if you are in a relationship with a person with BPD you will need the strength to be able to emotionally detach at times from your SO, to be able to separate her issues from your own, and to not take personally the behavior of your SO. You need a very strong sense of identity and worth in yourself.

Does that sound like something that makes sense for you?

'ducks

[Blimblam]

well, she has most of the traits.  I guess its just the pattern.  I tend to use more colloquel terms than BPD though. I listen to rap music so I already knew about these kinds of girls.  Lets just say she's a bird that can't be caged, thing is I sort of got that right off the bat and accepted her.

It is really this false image she depicts of me for others... .I find that extremely annoying. It starts to have me paranoid I might run into someone that has bought into that spiel and have to deal with that nonsense.  I mean I get that she is like I guess projecting her crap into that image and then needs someone else to validate that its not her so it becomes me by default. 

The drama though from that behavior ughh... .  It's like everyone is looking for a scapegoat so they can see themselves as this good person in control of the situation. So, really its not like I havn't seen people on powertrips at work pull the same kind of behavior.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm going to try to describe your relationship... .a summary of sorts. I *may* be getting it wrong. Please correct me if I am.

I'm assuming that you and she do not live together.

She has repeatedly shown her pattern is:

1. Run off and sleep with somebody else. She paints you black (tells this other person and likely anybody who will listen) that you are horrible when she does this.

2. Suddenly end this thing with the new guy, now painting HIM black. (Telling you and likely anybody else who will listen how terrible he is.)

3. She gets back with you, paints you white (all with you is good, she loves you, etc.)

Go back to step 1, and repeat.

As a note--this bit of painting a person black or painting them white--The way a pwBPD does it, they honestly believe it when they are doing it, even if it requires them to modify history to match what they were feeling at the time. And when they go the opposite direction, they honestly believe that too. Often there isn't any self-awareness of the contradiction inherent in this.


... .Given this pattern, you haven't agreed to be exclusive with her. (Because you are sure she would sleep with the next guy anyways.)

Q1: How fast is the cycle? How long is she with you between other guys? How long does she stay with another guy? Does she cycle back to the same guys later?

Q2: Does she pretty much disappear from your life when she's got another guy going?

Q3: Have you been seeing other women, either casually or seriously? (You didn't mention it either way)

[Blimblam]

yeah, that is pretty much the pattern... .

like I said it started out that way and has just continued the other guys seem to come and go and I am he sort of constant in it all and she realizes this also when we are together we can talk about it like  its nothing.  She doesn't really paint those other guys as all bad she just sort of goes to them when she can't handle our relationship then when that subsides comes back and there tends to be a period where she sees us both before she finally comes back.

It is sort of hard to quantify how long but she is with me more often than not one time she was gone for like 4 months but she would reach out to me during that time after the first initial few weeks had passed. It is usually less than a 2 week period she is gone for and I just sort of wait for her to hit me up again.

I casually date sometimes but it tends to be other girls kind of like her with some other guy as their main dude that will randomly hit me up every now and then sometimes when my gf is with me we all chill together.  I think my ex has some guys like that she sees now and then also.

[Grey Kitty]

OK, now that I understand the situation, how can we help you with it? Some people find a simple monogoamous relationship with two people to be the only acceptable realtionship, or at least the ideal, which they wish to live, but are falling short of. Other people are happy with non-monogamy.

I truly do not believe that one or the other is *BETTER*; However I do believe that they don't all work equally well for all people. Are there parts of this that you don't like and wish to change?

Tell us what you aren't happy with (either that you are doing or that she is doing), and let us help you figure out how to change the patterns that don't work for you.

[Blimblam]

I Don't know... .I sort of got upset because I planned something really special for christmass with her and now I am spending it alone and going to get fat eating this desert I especially ordered for today.

I don't know if open or exclusive relationsihps are better what I do know is an exclusive relationship with her would not work it's just not her nature.  It is the most low maintenance relationship I have ever had though that is for sure. It is an open door policy so if she doesn't like it she can leave and someone from her twitter following can deal with her until she cools down. She always comes back though and everything is gravy again.

It is just frustrating when I plan something special and she leaves.

[Blimblam]

I feel like her main relationship is her freaking twitter and the opinions of people that have over 20,000 followers that she will never even talk to. Maybe if I start making memes and gifs and get 30,000 friend bots to follow me that opinion can finally be my own! TF realish doe.

[babyducks]

Hi Hondo,

People with the traits of borderline personality disorder have intense emotions that can overwhelm them.   They can deal with those emotions by pushing away from them.    Actually we all do that to some degree, still it is a very noticeably trait with pwBPD.

What we can do is learn about what triggers the intense emotions and different ways to respond to them.    That's not a perfect solution but can go a long way to taking some of the volatility of the relationship.   It's a process and it takes some work.   

It has to be frustrating when you plan something special and she leaves.   It would upset me.    Perhaps something in your event triggered her.   I'm not saying you did anything wrong.   Very likely you did a lot to try to make things very nice.   Would you feel comfortable telling us how that went?   Some details?

'ducks

[Grey Kitty]

It Is very likely that something triggered her as baby ducks suggested. I'd add that it could be something external, or a reaction to something you did. (And like ducks said, just because she was triggered doesn't mean you did anything wrong! And not knowing details I'm taking stand in the dark.

Regarding the Twitter people she hasn't met... .for a pwBPD, there is usually a fear of engulfment that can get triggered when somebody gets close. So all these Twitter people she doesn't really know are "safe" in that way. You (in her real world) wouldn't be like that with 30k followers.

[Blimblam]

yeah thanks,

she put the feelers out again on social media so I posted the picture of a open door with a welcome mat.  She probably needs to get over her embaressment of missing Christmas and then she will be back. Oh well, no ones perfect and even though she has her little meltdowns run away and come back episodes I still love her.