Another argument with the rage monstrer

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have this thing I think about. That here are like two different people I am married to. One is sweet and kind and gracious the other is the rage monster. I feel so mistreated because she can say anything she wants in an argument but I have to choose my words so carefully and she can say anything I hold back so much because I I am just tired and I know she wont hear me . I want to leave but I can't bear the thought of my five yr old son being a child of divorce. Help

[mateoj121]

I have this thing I think about. That here are like two different people I am married to. One is sweet and kind and gracious the other is the rage monster. I feel so mistreated because she can say anything she wants in an argument but I have to choose my words so carefully and she can say anything I hold back so much because I I am just tired and I know she wont hear me . I want to leave but I can't bear the thought of my five yr old son being a child of divorce. Help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi mateoj121 and

you do sound tired, and frustrated, which is pretty understandable. im glad you found us. it can feel like being with two different people. one common expression of this is "dr jekyll and mr hyde": https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

the lessons directly to the right of the board can really go a long way. they take practice. with some time and practice, your responses (or lack thereof) will become more natural and constructive, instead of walking on eggshells and trying to crack the code, or giving in.

how long have the two of you been together and married? would you say the raging is the biggest obstacle in your marriage?

[Auspicious]

Hi mateoj121 - a lot of us have been there! That feeling that she is two people, the feeling of unfairness, worrying about the family breaking up   It is tiring and frustrating!

It can be very tough going through this.

I second what once removed says about the lessons to the right of the board. At first it can feel like "how can this stuff help?", but it really does!

Can you tell us more about a recent time you had to choose your words so carefully? 

[mateoj121]

Thanks for getting back to me ! I just feel like there is no one I can talk to. If she knew I was reaching out in this way she would be so upset and call me dramatic. We have been married for 6 years in response to your question. We were in marriage counseling once about 4 years ago but she decided we didn't need to go back after we worked on my issues. I went back to the therapist for a one on one and shared my continued struggles and he said that she may be BPD and that I would have a rough road and that he tackled my issues in the marriage first to earn her trust. He advised me not to share his diagnosis with her and I have kept that secret from everyone in my life.

The last time I had to choose my words she and I were arguing about her backing out of a vacation we had planned with my family  2 weeks before we were set to go. I said that that I thought it was doing harm to that family relationship. She said I was choosing them over her and that I should have responded by validating her desire not to go. Internally I feel like she is driving a wedge between me and everyone in my life, I never see mMY friends and she continues to pit me against my family. I only see her friends for social interaction. When I request to see my friends shemakes me feel guilty and when I call her on it she denies that and says I can see them whenever I want ... .

[mateoj121]

I had to say I've and over again this is just how I feel . I feel like the decision effects other people than just you and if I just validate and we move in these feelings I have will go un heard. I feel so unheard and that her feelings are more important than mine. I am just getting so fed up with this rollercoaster . I dont even believe her when she apologizes anymore

[once removed]

self care is critical, and it involves strong boundaries, which include not allowing for wedges to be driven between you and your support system.

we have great information on boundaries here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

these are practical, applicable examples of boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

can you elaborate on "she makes me feel guilty" when you want to see your friends?

[mateoj121]

She makes me feel guilty by talking about how hard it is for her to work and not have my support with our son and she says "well , what am I suppsoed to do? Sit at home? " I haven't seen my friends in months . Every second of my free time she requests to do things she wants to do. She asks me what do I want to do and internally I think, all I want is some alone time. But I just say, "what ever , what do you want to do?

[once removed]

she says "well , what am I suppsoed to do? Sit at home? " I haven't seen my friends in months . Every second of my free time she requests to do things she wants to do.

okay. you have a lot to work with here.

1. validate that she works hard
2. during your free time, when she requests to do things, what does she request to do? take the initiative and do it when you can 
3. understand that you need to be around friends. its a need and you have a right to exercise it. the fact that she is not exercising her own needs to see her friends doesnt negate your need to see yours. you might consider that if you were to do so, she may well follow your lead, and see her friends.

i wouldnt advise you to make that argument to her personally; i wouldnt advise you to fall into a circular argumentl. let her know in advance. dont JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).

theres a decent chance that this method will not go well at first, and i want to stress that it should be introduced slowly. when one sets boundaries later in a relationship, the other partner is almost assuredly going to be hurt and react; so shes likely to protest and potentially up the ante. this is called an extinction burst, and we have a lot of information about extinction bursts here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

where positive reinforcement comes into play though, is that while you are simultaneously meeting your needs to be around your friends, be a supportive and good partner. sincerely compliment how hard she works. meet her needs in terms of the things she wants to do. ride out the protests about seeing your friends, and see if she follows your lead.

[JoyfulOne777]

It's so amazing to finally find people who completely understand what I'm going through. It is so very hard trying to do life with someone who has BPD, but I know that it's the best way I can protect my kids because I would never want to divorce knowing that he would most likely get unsupervised time with them. I am able to protect them emotionally from the illogical behavior and now I'm starting to set boundaries for myself as well and I am amazed how well it's working.

The first time I did it, I thought he would rage and be upset for a long time, but honestly he bounced back as fast as my kids do when they have a tantrum and I set loving boundaries and don't get tangled up emotionally. I am such a peacemaker, that I used to go along with whatever he wanted to try to make him happy, but after 18 years of him never actually being happy and me facing the consequences of his choices, I realized I am basically a caregiver to someone in addition to taking care of my kids and I have to make sure I'm healthy and have a support system and am making good financial decisions etc. as well.