Trying to move on

[ann6835]

Hi all. I'm only in the 4th day of a breakup and I feel awful for a number of reasons. I feel awful because I miss this person that was such a part of my life and that I had grown to love and also because I really feel that they need help and that my leaving them is leaving them when they need someone the most. I don't even know if my ex has BPD but the majority of the symptoms certainly fit. The last straw was this last week when it was my bday and we took a trip together out of state. Our first night there I asked her to stay off of facebook and enjoy the city with me and she exploded, it got so intense that she smashed her head against a wall causing a huge cut amd a lot of bleeding. She needed medical treatment but refused when security showed up
 She continued to berate and belittle me the rest of the evening, going as far as saying if she had the means she would kill me. The next day she tried to apologize but it seemed insincere and I just wasn't in a place to act like everything was okay. That day, my bday, we rarely talked after the attempted apology and I stayed in the room while she did her own thing. The next day we were heading home and she left me at the hotel, with the luggage, and finally came back when I said I was heading to the airport. She was furious when she got back and threw her alcohol bottel at me, causing it to shatter and quite a few people around to be in shock. While we were waiting for our ride, she was jumping up and down and bit her arm until.it bled all along saying she wanted to beat me and kill me. At this point she made up a lie that her son, in prison, had been in a fight and was on life support waiting for her to get back to 'pull the plug'. I knew it was a lie so it was next to impossible for me to illicit any real empathy for her which only aggravated her further. It finally ended with the cops waiting outside of my home while she got her belongings simply because I was afraid of what she may do when we're no longer around other people. I know that this relationship is unhealthy and that I deserve better but I'm having such a hard time right now, am so sad and it's taking all of my strenght not to try amd contact her. My first question, does it sound like she is suffering from BPD? Am I doing the right thing by leaving and how do I get through this? Please any help, insight, advice is so welcomed.

[roberto516]

Welcome ann. You have certainly come to the right place. I wouldn't be able to tell you if she suffered from any type of diagnosable personality disorder. I think the more reading you do and research you might find that some things with certain traits will seem as if the author was speaking directly to you.

Are you doing the right thing? Only you can answer that. In my experience, and only my experience, my relationship would have never worked without both of us committing to change or improve. In my case I was doing my best but when I finally saw that she loved me out of a need and not for who I was it was when I had to go.

Now I never officially broke up with her but after 2 weeks of not being at her beck and call she pulled the rug out from under me.

For your third question, one of my favorite therapist idols I guess you'd say is a man named Fritz Perls. His Gestalt Therapy was very much a forerunner of mindfulness therapy that we have today. Anyway, his quote is "The only way out is through."

That's going to be a crucial core point of getting through this. You are going to have to go through. It's so hard and it's so scary. I'm still going through it and I will be for a very long time. But it's the only option we have if we are committed to moving on. It's easy to numb it (and effective). Stay busy, work a lot, get drunk, do something impulsive, etc but that won't really be helping to get through it.

What has helped for me is to finally learn what it means to feel my feelings. I need to continue practicing emotional identification instead of rumination or the details of events. But that only came after I went through what you would call the acute withdrawal of having to not be in contact with her. It's okay to feel how you are feeling right now. The desire to reach out is so normal. You loved this person (and still do) and it's not as easy to just let go of it.

Keep sharing and keep talking about it here if you need to. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi ann6835 and Welcome! 

What you have experienced is extremely upsetting and worrying.  You were wise to have the police there whilst she collected her things.  How long were you in the r/s and was there any other similar behaviour/threats of this nature during the course of it?  First and foremost I'm worried about how you are feeling regards your safety at the moment.  Over the last 4 days have you had any further contact? 

I was in a violent r/s with my BPDexbf and took the opportunity when he wasn't around to pop by a local drop in held by a domestic abuse support worker, who helped me to devise a safety plan just in case I needed it.  It took minutes to do and she gave me great advice which was really helpful in giving me peace of mind.  Perhaps this is something you might consider just to be on the safe side?  I was so glad I took that step and would recommend it to anyone who feels unsure about a partner/ex. 

Although I'm sorry you had the need to find us, I'm really glad you did.  You are certainly in the right place for support and insights and you'll find our caring community will be there for you.  The site also has some really well written articles that may well help you to answer some of your questions.  Regards a BPD diagnosis, only a professional can do this, however some of the behaviours you describe do sound like traits.  Here's a link to an article that can possibly help you with this. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder  There is a clinical library down the right side of this with a bunch of other useful reads too regarding BPD.  I read everything I could when I found this place and have gained so much strength in increasing my knowledge.  A couple of other articles I really found helpful are at the top of this board - How a BPD relationship evolves (this will give you clues if it sounds familiar) and how to survive a failed BPD relationship.  Both are extremely good and helped me to see things in a new light.

Keep reading and posting.  I'll be looking out for your posts.  Please let us know how you're doing and look after yourself.  Things can and do get better.  There are members here who are proof of that. 

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi ann6835,

I feel awful because I miss this person that was such a part of my life and that I had grown to love and also because I really feel that they need help and that my leaving them is leaving them when they need someone the most.

Probably all of us here felt awful days after the breakup, it's normal. I think that many of us can relate feeling guilt about our pwBPD. My ex survived long before I met her and she'll survive long after we divorced. The love that I had for her at one point is not above the disorder, it also can't cure the disorder. She has to be motivated and want better mental health for herself.

I believe in my situation and it doesn't necessarily mean that yours is similar, it may be similar for someone else, she has a lot people that are enablers in her life. I was her fixer and helper too, she depends on others for things that she should be doing herself. I removed myself from the group of enablers that surrounds, one less person may mean that she'll get help sooner rather than later.

I notice you don't talk about yourself much, your talking about her mostly. You might want shift that focus away from her and focus on you and your needs.

I]first night there I asked her to stay off of facebook and enjoy the city with me and she exploded, it got so intense that she smashed her head against a wall causing a huge cut amd a lot of bleeding. She needed medical treatment but refused when security showed up

I read lack of impulse control and rigid thinking l, but she may also have adrenalin going through because her head hit the wall and she bled. It sounds like it could a mental illness of some sort. We can't diagnose, only a professional can do that! What we can look at are traits of BPD and we can set boundaries on those traits, boundaries are like an invisible outward layer that protects from bad stuff and it keeps the good stuff in.

Regardless of what mental illness that she has, I think that you could set some boundaries, death threats should taken VERY seriously.

[Lilacs]

Keep posting here for support instead of contacting this person. This is the best way to get support. Read others stories and see you are in a healthier place without this person. Peace.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi ann6835,

I've been thinking about your story and am hoping you are OK.  Do let us know if we can support you in any way.  I'm going to post you a couple of other links that might be useful to you to have a read through.  They are safeguarding documents.  You may have already done something along these lines, but just in case you need them:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

We're here if you need us.

Love and light x