Just so fed up with feeling like this.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The title about sums it up really.
I'm doing everything I possibly could- maintaining NC, seeing friends, re-engaging with neglected hobbies, exercising and eating ok. Resting when I need to, being kind to myself, journaling. Learning about BPD and trying to figure out what kept me in such an abusive relationship for so long. I could not be doing any more. I even genuinely enjoy myself sometimes.

 And I'm just so fed up with it all. It all feels so pointless and tedious and even though all evidence and everyone's experiences tell me I won't feel like this forever, I can't ever imagine feeling any differently. And if she walked back in tomorrow id be delighted, even though she's done that quite literally a hundred times over the past two years and it always ends the same, so there isn't a bit of me believes it'd be any different. I just think most of the time that I'd rather have the horribleness with her than not have her in my life. And that is rubbish.
Just needed to rant, thanks for lettting me!

[La Carotte]

The title about sums it up really.
I'm doing everything I possibly could- maintaining NC, seeing friends, re-engaging with neglected hobbies, exercising and eating ok. Resting when I need to, being kind to myself, journaling. Learning about BPD and trying to figure out what kept me in such an abusive relationship for so long. I could not be doing any more. I even genuinely enjoy myself sometimes.

 And I'm just so fed up with it all. It all feels so pointless and tedious and even though all evidence and everyone's experiences tell me I won't feel like this forever, I can't ever imagine feeling any differently. And if she walked back in tomorrow id be delighted, even though she's done that quite literally a hundred times over the past two years and it always ends the same, so there isn't a bit of me believes it'd be any different. I just think most of the time that I'd rather have the horribleness with her than not have her in my life. And that is rubbish.
Just needed to rant, thanks for lettting me!

[hopealways]

The title about sums it up really.
I'm doing everything I possibly could- maintaining NC, seeing friends, re-engaging with neglected hobbies, exercising and eating ok. Resting when I need to, being kind to myself, journaling. Learning about BPD and trying to figure out what kept me in such an abusive relationship for so long. I could not be doing any more. I even genuinely enjoy myself sometimes.

 And I'm just so fed up with it all. It all feels so pointless and tedious and even though all evidence and everyone's experiences tell me I won't feel like this forever, I can't ever imagine feeling any differently. And if she walked back in tomorrow id be delighted, even though she's done that quite literally a hundred times over the past two years and it always ends the same, so there isn't a bit of me believes it'd be any different. I just think most of the time that I'd rather have the horribleness with her than not have her in my life. And that is rubbish.
Just needed to rant, thanks for lettting me!

I could not have written this better myself, sums up how I feel as well.  I even feel like learning about BPD has taken my passion and innocence away, nothing excites me like it used to although I do actually enjoy spending more time with myself than ever before.  I am sticking with the plan though because everyone can't be wrong as painful as this journey seems.

[La Carotte]

It's good to hear I'm not alone feeling like this, thank you.
I'm not actually enjoying being on my own very much. It's ok. I know I should embrace it and will be a better human being if I learn to love it and self soothe and I know I'm the only one who is responsible for my healing, emotions, etc etc. I get it all in theory. But in reality I just want to hang out with someone who loves and cares for me as much as I love and care for her. Ah well. Keep on keeping on... .
Good luck to you moving4ward!

[Idsrvt2]

I feel the same exact way... .having a relapse again... .I was doing so well... but I know why I am.  I isolated myself this weekend because I just am sick of attracting abusers ... my x delivers my mail now after getting cops and courts involved ... .had someone say "you just need to move on". Then that same person wonders why I don't reply to texts well if I can't talk about how I'm feeling why bother.

I've had four months of counciling and ten days ago the cooling off period on the restraining orders ended ... .four months of no contact and I feel like I'm at day one all over again.  Tomorrow is my last counciling session.

Thanks so much for posting this as I'm here feeling so beyond alone with all this .

[once removed]

hi La Carrotte,

its all good stuff youre doing. additionally, are you seeing or have you considered seeing a therapist?

i ask because

And if she walked back in tomorrow id be delighted, even though she's done that quite literally a hundred times over the past two years and it always ends the same, so there isn't a bit of me believes it'd be any different.

im wondering if you feel youve grieved the loss? if not, i can understand why these things feel so tedious, even possibly empty.

[La Carotte]

Idsrvt2, that all sounds tough, I'm sorry you're going through that. I alternate between isolating myself and throwing myself into everything going and neither quite feels right... .I'm sure at some point we'll find a happy medium, but it's hard to hold onto that belief sometimes isn't it? I hope your last session goes well... .

Once removed, I had a therapist who actually got it, she'd worked with many people with BPD and was great. But then out of the blue she disappeared! Really, no notice, nothing, just didn't reply to my text to make an appointment or follow up texts... .good job I'm used to be being abandoned eh? I can't currently afford a therapist anyway, but no, I don't think I have mourned it, I suppose because she always comes back, and although each time is the time that she might not, it's always like I'm starting from scratch. I suppose one of the reasons I always let her in is because I know I'm lonely and sad, and would rather be with her than not, and so I assume that she's feeling the same too, or why would she come? And so then I think it's daft not to if we're both feeling like that... .and so on it goes... .

[Conundrum]

Hullo La Carotte, if she comes and goes "literally a hundred times,"isn't that a sure sign that an intermittent relationship is her comfort zone, or the best she can do? I'd venture she uses words to the contrary, but those are just words. After all, this is BPD, with defining traits that classically include patterns of unstable relationships.

Doesn't that present a series of finite choices? We can either accept that intermittency is their "Tao" and make peace w that due to their having, BPD, or we can refuse that as not being  a good enough match for our desires, or like Syssiphys we can keep on reconnecting, wishing for a different outcome (stability), but never getting the outcome that we want.

I think it is that third outcome that is the most damaging to our psyches. Because it plays upon our deepest relational aspirational wants and dreams. Tho, when the evidence of intermittency is undeniable--clear perception is the required barometer to test the relational atmosphere. We all feel lonely and sad sometimes, but the decisional options when involved with a BPD remain constant regardless of our changing feelings/moods. Our free will remains present despite what allures. So, there are distinct finite choices. I wish you peace.

[La Carotte]

Conundrum, thank you so much for this perspective, which I've never considered before.
I am definitely Syssiphys in this situation and it is definitely damaging my psyche.
So that leaves me two choices and in truth, I don't know which is the one for me.
In fact, the intermittent nature of things wouldn't be too terrible in some ways as it gives me breathing space and time to connect with friends, do hobbies, which I can't do when she's on the scene as she demands all my attention.
The problem with it is that each time she disappears again it's always in a cloud of verbal abuse and accusations and this is definitely the last time, I am the vilest person ever to walk this earth, I'm ruining her life. And even that wouldn't be so bad as, like you say, it's just words. But. She believes it and so often goes looking for my replacement because she can't bear to be alone. And I can't stand that.  And when she does come back she projects all that on me, and can't cope with the fact that I just get on with my life now and she has no control over me (although not with replacements, I have no interest in others like that) and so gives me a hard time about whatever I do when she's not in my life.
It's hard for me to see that ever changing really, which then brings me back to  the need to walk away.
Whatever, you are entirely right that keep hoping for a different outcome is not the way.
You've given me a lot of food for thought, Conundrum, thank you.

[once removed]

I had a therapist who actually got it
... .
,But then out of the blue she disappeared!

thats exceptionally hard, and im really sorry that that happened to you.

i remember in the early days of detaching, saying to those around me that it felt as if all the things i was doing/was supposed to do, for me, still somehow revolved around my ex.

perhaps you feel similarly? i think on some level, that is normal. and i think its pretty understandable when there have been multiple breakup/makeup cycles.

but the thing about those early days, is that i was going through the motions. i was probably closer to being done with the relationship than not (i wasnt there completely) but i hadnt fully grieved, and i wasnt done.

and if i read correctly, i think thats what youre saying: that youre going through the motions, havent fully mourned/grieved, and that these steps feel empty, even frustrating, at the end of the day. please dont get me wrong, theyre good motions, and i encourage you to keep doing them, i just think its understandable that you would feel that way if the relationship isnt over in your heart and mind.

so you have a few options. you can move to the Saving board, learn the tools and lessons (and i would suggest you do so at some point regardless, they are great skills for relationships of all kinds) and ride this out, and see if the opportunity to recycle the relationship presents itself.

but piggybacking on Conundrums point, the makeup/breakup cycles are an established comfort zone (i think that applies to both parties). obviously, something would have to change drastically, and that presents some questions to reflect on.

lets say you cleaned up your side of the street in terms of the dysfunctional dynamics of the relationship, and got back together.

is there a guarantee that she would not continue the makeup/breakup cycles?
could trust be rebuilt?
would it be a satisfying relationship for you?

there are no right or wrong answers to those questions. but if the answers to them are "yes" then it may be that theres something salvageable and worth salvaging. it sounds like, from your last post, the answers to them are no, and in that case, those questions are keys to detaching. there are more; detaching is a process, with steps.

the motions i mentioned, are very important, for a multitude of reasons. but once you intellectually and emotionally are "done" with the relationship, they are no longer motions, no longer revolve around the ex, but become progress, stepping stones, and milestones, and about building a new, healthier, better life.

[Unsureofmyself]

I felt the same way the last time my BPD ex left. I was constantly searching for ways to take up my time and it all felt pointless because I knew deep down that he would return and I would forgive him so the time spent getting over him felt empty and pointless. This time however I have taken a different view on it however it is only very early stages of no contact and I know myself very well. I do fear that I will again revert back to my empty and pointless feelings however now I have acknowledged it I feel I can work on that and find things to do which I find meaningful. I think one of the best things you can do is speak to people who have been through what you are going through and try to really acknowledge and feel your emotions. I think grief is a major part and if you don't allow yourself to be sad and acknowledge the pain I feel like mine would have always being there deep down. I'm taking a new approach now whereby I am trying to tell myself that it's ok to feel like this for a while however I am going to set my self new goals on a weekly basis where I do something good for myself and try different hobbies and try and meet new people at classes who can then give me a purpose and a meaning again. I feel like one of the most common traits all non BPD partners have is their ability and need to help people and make people feel loved and cherished I think the more time you can spend helping others who appreciate it such as volunteer work the more you will find more meaning. It's terrible when the thing you used to love and cherish and look after so much is suddenly gone it leaves a whole I say find something to look after and cherish again however ensure that this time you set yourself healthy boundaries and I don't mean this by finding yourself a new partner I mean things like volunteering to walk dogs at your local rspca centre or raising money for charity. The more things you do like this will give you a new meaning and importance.

I hope this helps you. I have down days also and literally feel like the air has been knocked out of me but at times like this I will visit my grandma and do something nice for her or take my dog out. Or even stuff as simple as replying to posts on here. I've found with that a sense of self again.

[La Carotte]

Thank you, once removed and Unsureofmyself, what both of you say makes a lot of sense to me.

I haven't mourned this relationship because I'm not totally done with it. I go through the motions and I do all th right things because I know they're the right things for me long term really. But. There's a tiny bit in me that persists in believing that one day she'll at least realise/ make change enough for us to work together - despite all evidence to the contrary. If I could just get rid of that bit of me. I know 99% that she won't but that 1% just haunts me. What if... .

The truth is that I cannot accept her as she is and what she offers me now. I have tried but I feel so resentful and so damaged by her accusations and verbal abuse and disappearances. I don't want to live a life where they are a constant feature. Most other things I can cope with, I'm a Special Ed teacher (so, yes, Unsureofmyself, everything you say resonates with me!) so I think I'm pretty good at understanding why and modifying my behaviour/ expectations according to individuals. But I wouldn't tolerate repeated abuse from the kids because it's just not ok, whatever the reason, and I can't tolerate it from her.  

So, I haven't mourned. And we've got into such a pattern of her leaving and then turning up that even though I believe each time that this could be the last time, there's always that 1% that knows she'll probably come back.  I know that the key to this is me- we will stay on the roller coaster until I step off. So that even if she does come back I won't go there again. But what if this is the time she's changed... .?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi La Carotte,

The truth is that I cannot accept her as she is and what she offers me now. I have tried but I feel so resentful and so damaged by her accusations and verbal abuse and disappearances. I don't want to live a life where they are a constant feature.

I feel you've had some great replies here and your last response has helped me to see that you aren't happy to continue with things as they are and don't want to accept the dynamic long term.  Is your ex aware of this?     

But what if this is the time she's changed... .?

 

The reality is, that without extensive therapy it is nigh on impossible for a tiger to change their stripes.  The behaviours that you see are the way that she behaves.  What do you feel might make this change you'd like to see in her happen during one of your breaks in your r/s and is that a realistic possibility?  In contrast, have you discussed treatment with her?

The only other option, if you do wish to continue the cycle, is some radical acceptance on your part and putting in a great deal of effort to work on the communication and your own reactions to triggers when you are together.  The decision is yours.  Step off the ride or buy a ticket and hold on tight.  Either way you know we will be here for you.

Love and light x

[La Carotte]

Thank you Harley Quinn
I'm glad I reached out as Ithe responses that everyone has given have made me really take stock and think about things from different angles, helping me articulate to myself what I really want and/or what I am prepared to do. I'm not completely there yet but I'm finding the process valuable.

My ex is definitely aware that I don't want these dynamics long term. In all honesty I don't believe that she will be able to make the changes necessary. The very unfortunate thing is that two years ago she knew she had BPD- we'd spent two years researching and finding out together and were in it together to support us both in dealing with her damaging and sabotaging behaviours. And  so, with my support, she started seeing a therapist. Within half an hour of meeting her the therapist said she didn't have BPD and that was that. End of that conversation ever.  She developed an infatuation with the therapist, she could do no wrong (and in all honesty the therapist did help her with some childhood stuff) and suddenly I became the enemy - the therapist took at face value all the delusions she had about me sleeping with other people, cheating, secretive, a liar etc etc etc, none of which were true - and worked with ex on how to detach from such a manipulative deceitful abuser as I was being presented as.
The fact that I maintained that she has BPD has morphed into me trying to label her with a mental health problem so that I can excuse my own abusiive behaviour.  Plus I cost her a lot of money because she only went to therapy to save our relationship and I wouldn't do my part, I am still sleeping with anything that moves. (I do at this point have to reiterate that there is not the slightest remotest bit of truth in this. She on the other hand, has slept with at least  one other while we have known each other. The joys of projection!). Plus I lie every time I open my mouth (I don't. )
Anyway. That's a long way of saying that she won't go for therapy as she now feels she has made all the progress she needs because now she is strong enough and has enough self esteem to not put up with me lying and cheating. The fact that I don't do either of those things is neither here nor there.

I cannot radically accept being told daily that I am a liar and a cheater. I'm not. I won't accept that.

So, I guess that is my answer. Time to really truly get off the ride. I'm crying as I write that but I know in my heart it's true. I cannot accept her as she is. And I know really she isn't going to change.

Thank you everyone.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi La Carotte,

  The pain you feel in this moment is your emotions telling you that something must change and I'm so sorry that you must go through this.  I know the moment of realisation and the beginning of letting go is so tough and I'd not want to go through it again, so I feel for you.  However from this comes the opportunity for you to make changes that can prevent further ongoing pain and I'd encourage you to think back to this time if the old patterns of thought re emerge. 

Be strong, friend.  We will be here to help and cheer you on in breaking free of the destructive cycle.  The trail blazers and path finders ahead of us down this road are leading the way for us.  Happiness and freedom from pain can be achieved.  It's going to be hard and we know this, hence why we many of us have put off this turning point.  It will however be worth it.  You are worth it.

Love and light x

[SurvivingBPDex]

I feel your pain. My ex always thought I was cheating or talking to my ex husband by e-mail. This was never true. I would go as far as showing him my e-mail. I never made it to therapy with my ex. For me the end came in the realization that he never got help or wanted it. I tried as best I could. Every night was a fight about small things like me coming home late a few minutes from usual from work. The last couple of days have been peaceful. I'm staying with family. I can relate. Believe me.
 

[KtotheK]

It's good to hear I'm not alone feeling like this, thank you.
I'm not actually enjoying being on my own very much. It's ok. I know I should embrace it and will be a better human being if I learn to love it and self soothe and I know I'm the only one who is responsible for my healing, emotions, etc etc. I get it all in theory. But in reality I just want to hang out with someone who loves and cares for me as much as I love and care for her. Ah well. Keep on keeping on... .
Good luck to you moving4ward!

Ditto here too! Struggling AGAIN at the moment, especially when I know my udBPD ex is literally having a ball with the new one! And me? I'm wondering how on earth they can do it and I can move on from it! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I can't get off! Newest blow is that they are now back from the other side of the world and in the last 3 weeks have been to Venice and now in Greece ( a place we were due to go to before a devalue and discard 2 years ago! Incidentally I am still owed money from that holiday that we never went on!) Now off with the replacement ! It literally makes me feel sick to my stomach! And yes I am trying to enjoy being on my own and concentrate on me but it is so darn hard! All I can think of is her and them enjoying life whilst I sit and at times drag myself through it!
I know I need to think of me and do things for me I just find it incredibly hard. Time heals but I am so scared that I will never get over this ... .never get over her to a place where I am happy and content and have found someone I can truly love and that be reciprocated. I know I still love her and it hurts so much. She clearly is as happy as can be? I've read and read and read about BPD and I'm longing for the new r/s to end, cos it'll all make sense of it did (that's how I feel). At the moment I feel like I'm Clutching at straws. Sorry to go on. I've woken up again this morn with that horrible feeling of Groundhog Day. I just want to be removed from it all.

[lovenature]

I hear you LC, and I too am fed up with feeling like I do everyday. Take it one day at a time, understand that going through recovery isn't linear and just go with whatever arises. Know that being out of a BPD relationship is definitely better than being in it overall; I'm sure reality has proven it to you, but I know it is very hard to see it much of the time.

Hang in there, you're worth it.

[marti644]

I haven't mourned this relationship because I'm not totally done with it. I go through the motions and I do all the right things because I know they're the right things for me long term really.

I know that the key to this is me- we will stay on the roller coaster until I step off. So that even if she does come back I won't go there again.

Hi La Carotte,

Thanks for sharing! I'll echo others comments and say how sorry I am to hear you are going through this and offer my support as part of this family.

I just wanted to highlight the two comments above to show how great you are doing!  You are doing that work now to make you "you". This process of rebuilding is tedious, and I feel you when you say that some days it all seems pointless. But you realize its a long-term process, and as long as you focus on that maybe it will get easier or at least manageable?

I know for myself when I finally fully accepted that I would take a full year to two years to fully heal from my experiences (no serious relationships, only casual innocent dating, no sex) that I felt my body physically feel relieved that I wasn't pushing myself anymore. Being impulsive is part of my problem (by moving to fast emotionally in relationships). Taking it slow has eased my anxiety and helped me focus on the day to day without looking too much into the future or respond to outside cultural or family pressures to "move on" or whatever.

Maybe she will change, and in the meantime I commend you for working on yourself and doing what needs to be done to rebuild to change you. I have thought many times about what I would do if my ex came back, and although we have no future together I have decided, I would want to be a better man regardless. So I focus on that as much as I can.

But you are still mourning because that's totally healthy in the end of a relationship, especially when it ends in an abrupt or complicated manner. Being honest with ourselves is so important and you have got that down my friend!

Being honest with myself (has taken alot of time and I am still working on it) helped so much when I realized for all the bad in our relationship it was okay to mourn the relationship and my love for my ex, for all her good and bad parts. Forgiving her and myself was key here too. When I love someone I truly do and it takes me a long time to get over it. You might call this an attachment/impulsive issue (in parts it is) but I also view it as part of my child-like innocence and purity. It's something I like about myself and one of the things that makes me a good partner for someone who appreciates that.

Hang in there and keep building you, brick by brick. The rewards I see in your comments are already bearing fruit.

Enjoy yourself my friend,

marti