UBPDX all spiritual now...is this common?

[gettingoverit]

Hi,
I posted a couple weeks ago about my ex dropping off old photos and a lame apology card at my doorstep after 6 years of no contact. I have to admit I was caught off guard which did effect me for a few days. I did something I have not done in years, I checked her Facebook account. I was surprised but not really with what I saw. It seems my lovely BPD ex has become a spiritual, become one with the universe, vegan, pot cures everything (always a habitual pot smoker), anti-vaccinator, live off the grid, worship the goddess within etc. etc. etc. nut job. I'm shocked because this was not who she was with me. She did show some interest, but not to the extend she is now. I laughed out loud because I know who she was back then and this fake persona she is trying to pass off is off putting. The question that I have, is it common for people with BPD to make these massive shifts in personality from one partner to the next, and is it common for them to buy into the pseudo spirituality new age stuff that is out there? I just can not believe that she is this enlightened spiritual guru especially after she has a history of treating people with the utmost disregard and disrespect and selfishly gets what she wants from one host until they are bled dry, then moves to the next. Has this woman no shame? Completely frustrating.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi gettingoverit,

There are two possibilities here.  One is that she is adopting the interests of a current partner.  The other is that she has changed and grown in the 6 years since you both parted ways.  You mentioned that she had an interest in these things when you knew her so it's possible that interest developed further.  My question to you is, how does this affect you and what do you feel was your reason for looking at her Facebook page?

I just can not believe that she is this enlightened spiritual guru especially after she has a history of treating people with the utmost disregard and disrespect and selfishly gets what she wants from one host until they are bled dry, then moves to the next. Has this woman no shame? Completely frustrating.

Would I be right in thinking that you have some residual anger left from your r/s?  What steps have you taken for your own healing during the last few years?

Love and light x

[gettingoverit]

Hi,
As I stated before, I had not looked on her Facebook page for years. I only did out of curiosity because she came to my home and dropped off photos I had no interest in, along with a card of apology, which wasn't really an apology.

Is there still residual anger, you bet there is. This woman tried to destroy me, you don't forget that in 6 years. To have her invade my privacy after all she put me through is galling to say the least. What have I done for my own healing? Therapy... .lots of it and moving on, getting married etc. Having said that, that still does not mean that I have forgiven her or that some how things are ok now. What she did will never be ok. Who she is has not changed, just the packaging has.

[Harley Quinn]

The reason I asked how looking on her FB affects you is because it would appear (and correct me if I'm wrong) that this has dredged up some feelings for you that maybe haven't quite left but rather been pushed down.  (I'm the world's worst at this!) 

You mention forgiveness, and from my perspective forgiving someone isn't about accepting what was done to us or saying that it was OK.  On the contrary, the fact that any forgiveness is required suggests that it was far from OK.  However, forgiving means letting go for your own benefit and peace.  It means no longer holding onto those feelings that are destructive for yourself.  Let's face it, having ill feeling for another who has wronged us has in fact no effect on the individual in question.  It only eats away at our own insides.  Ideally, we will in time reach a stage of indifference.  Let's hope so. 

Is there still residual anger, you bet there is. This woman tried to destroy me, you don't forget that in 6 years. To have her invade my privacy after all she put me through is galling to say the least. What have I done for my own healing? Therapy... .lots of it and moving on, getting married etc. Having said that, that still does not mean that I have forgiven her or that some how things are ok now. What she did will never be ok. Who she is has not changed, just the packaging has.

Out of curiosity, when you say you had lots of therapy, was it one type with one therapist or did you try different modalities?  I'd be interested to know if anything in particular stood out as helpful in which case.

Love and light x

[gettingoverit]

Hello,
Having her come to my house is what dredged up some feelings. Having her invade my privacy is what has initially p*ssed me off. I know that these things take a while to recover from, and for the most part, I have been doing rather well regarding her for quite a long time now. Sometimes there is only so much you can do and then you have to let time take over.

I went to one therapist for over a year on a regular basis, and another year periodically. This therapist was one of the best I have ever had and gave me a lot of perspective and helped heal a lot of wounds. I would like to reach a point of indifference, however it makes it difficult when this wretch of a person keeps showing up every few years to either drop things off at my house or "check in" on her partners house (two doors down from mine) in a real obvious way. Moving right now is not an option.

I guess it p*sses me off when I see her trying to pass off as this enlightened spiritual person when I know what is behind the mask. She is conning people again and somehow she keeps getting away with it. Perhaps the fault is with me, I have very high standards regarding fairness, equity etc. I guess I forget that life is often not fair and @ssholes often never get what they deserve. Pity.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi gettingoverit,

Yes I can imagine that her appearance at your home has stirred you as I'm sure it would me.  I'm lucky in not having had that experience, yet.  It's likely the day will come where my ex will try to walk back into my life in some way.  Reading everyone's posts here reminds me that there is always the possibility that I'll face this.  Let's hope I'm in a good place as you are now in your life, with your having moved on and married etc.  Your therapist sounds really good and I'm glad you had that support.     

It must be so difficult for you having a reason for her to be around your area and this only 2 doors away from you.  I take it that this property is empty hence the 'checking in'?  If so, I pray that it changes hands so that you can be free of that irritation.  I totally respect your unwillingness to consider moving.  I too refused to move when this was offered as an option with the domestic abuse support service who assist me.  It would have felt to me as though he was still able to affect my life and control it in some way even after I have cut him out of it.  I love my home and have invested much money and effort into renovating it over the years so was not prepared to be driven from it.  Good on you for staying put.   

I guess I forget that life is often not fair and @ssholes often never get what they deserve. Pity.

  I don't know enough about your r/s to judge the behaviour you were subjected to, and clearly these have caused you a great deal of pain.  Let's remember that pwBPD, or traits of, are suffering internally an overwhelming amount of pain and turmoil, which in NO way excuses the ways in which your ex acted out however does give us some understanding of the reasons.  In many posts here recently there is the view that in reality none of the behaviours are actually about us, but about our ex partner's own issues, many stemming back over a lot of years to early childhood.  It's not necessarily a comfort to someone on the receiving end of this abusive behaviour, yet in my case I've found compassion and empathy for the suffering of my ex partner, including the guilt and shame regards his actions which he must now carry with him.  I expect that despite outward appearances, which especially on SM is all a facade, your ex is probably living a life that brings more suffering than most would deserve.  Can that bring you some peace?

Love and light x

[Turkish]

6 years is a long time,  at least to you and me.  I'd be pissed too, thinking we all had moved on.  Given the long time,  what angers you the most? Is it the disturbance of your life,  or seeing how much she has changed? I can understand the former,  and I get the latter.  My ex,  a lapsed Catholic, went from exploring Buddhism to joining a seeker-friendly Christian mega-Church because of her husband (the affair partner). It bothers me,  like you,  because I wish others knew what goes on behind closed doors, but then again,  people believe what they see. I have no power over that,  I only have power over myself: what I know, what I believe,  and most importantly what I choose to do with what I both know and believe.

My choice is to let her be "her own independent entity" as my T told me three years ago,  "as much as you disagree with her choices." I found this frustrating, but freeing... .even if still frustrating.  What do you think?

[Pedro]

I am only commenting on the spiritual aspect of this thread that was started. My ex gf BPD is is spiritual. I believe it to be part of her as a human being & not related to her BPD. She is a born & raised as a Baptist. I am born & raised as a Roman Catholic. We both respected each other's faith which you may or may not consider to be spiritual or not. Many people gain a sense or feeling is spiritualism from their faith.
My ex was considering embracing the catholic faith at one point. Since we separated I have embraced her Baptist faith to try & understand her more. We both individually are aware of spirit around us. We would visit our local Spiritualist church 3-4 times yearly. I can only comment on my own relationship with somebody who has BPD to say she has her own spiritualism because of who she is as a human being & not her BPD in the 6 years we were together.