How do you reply when someone says time to move on in regards to your xBPD?

[Idsrvt2]

I've been getting this lately and it's from two people so far that I'm basically an Aquauntance of.
They start by asking how I am and then I say I'm taking time to myself right now to sort things out for myself,  they then ask what and I briefly mention how it's only been two weeks since the protective orders were lifted and I'm just adapting to that change and yesterday had drama about a simple package that was outgoing because a sub messed it all up when my x was off.

One replied. It's time to move on hun
The other says  don't you think it's time to start moving on.

With both of them I stopped texting after they said that as I feel for one they crossed my boundary of me saying I'm taking time for myself... .I don't even go in and on about my x either,

  I wish I was so cold hearted that I could see my x walking by my house and not feel anything ... .I wish I could deal with no closure at all too .

So how do you reply to people like this?   I've never even uttered those words to anyone .ltime to move in is not ever anything I say .

[Insom]

"I know, right?" 

In retrospect I can afford to be flip.  But I do remember how awful it felt when I was trying to separate from my BPD-ex and still feeling addicted and not having a good way to talk about it with people.  I even had a therapist ask me "What do you see in this guy?  Is this someone you can picture having a family with?"  The answer was, "No!" but understanding that didn't help the way I felt.  I felt helpless. 

Anyway, it sound like you're dealing with some insensitivity.  And detaching from BPD is indeed a special kind of problem that not everyone can relate to.  Are there people in your life that you feel you can talk to and not feel judged?

[Insom]

Also, I'd like to add that you don't owe acquaintances any details about your personal life.  When people ask how you're doing it's fine to say fine and then shift the conversation to another subject. 

[Idsrvt2]

Thanks for replying!  That's what it is insensitivity, that I you for putting a name to it.
I have some I can text none I can talk on phone or in person too and I just lost my councilor who I had about fifteen sessions with... .so it's a lot I'm dealing with... .the protective order cooling off period as it's called here ending and loosing my councilor because they don't take payments and my free time is up.  

Plus yesterday was draining, something simple like putting out a package for pickup reclaiming some power and freedom I had lost back turned into a fiasco ... I handled it well, my councilor would be proud .  :)espite missing my x more so now... .I still chose to not engage with him and ask him and was very nice and appreciative to his boss , which paints me now in a better light. But still it's something I would like to avoid especially now... .sigh. The way they jumped in though and handled it so I didn't have to deal with my x was surprising .

My situation is unique , everyone says so... last weekend I spent alone, this weekend I probably will too... .I was dating someone but he turned out to be a creep
So I'm posting here more now ... because there is part of me that would like peace with my x and to reach out and a part that doesn't want to trigger him if I'm painted black.  These are thoughts I can't say to anyone,
My x wanted the orders dropped my moms boyfriend pressed me to not drop them, my mom aslso feared me getting sucked back in... .my decisions weren't my own... .now they are more so then ever

Anyway, it sound like you're dealing with some insensitivity.  And detaching from BPD is indeed a special kind of problem that not everyone can relate to.  Are there people in your life that you feel you can talk to and not feel judged?

[Idsrvt2]

I agree, one wanted to do something this weekend and kept pressing the issue took it as far as to say they were giving me priority but other friends are trying to make plans with them, so I said once again I'm taking time l... I had entertained doing something with them, but after that text I was like wow how obnoxious... .this person is the type that texts asking if they said something wrong when I can't reply right away... .they need to deal with their own anxieties ... I refuse to let that into my life .   Both of these people have never had a relationship either ... so they just can't grasp this... .I'm ignoring both .

Also, I'd like to add that you don't owe acquaintances any details about your personal life.  When people ask how you're doing it's fine to say fine and then shift the conversation to another subject. 

[Pedro]

You do things in your own time & own way. It may have been well meaning & intended but until somebody has been in a relationship with somebody who has BPD then they will never understand how hard it is to move on & detach.

I'm doing it slowly & one day at a time, it's awful, painful, soul destroying mentally and physically exhausting.

Take care.

[jambley]

You do things in your own time & own way. It may have been well meaning & intended but until somebody has been in a relationship with somebody who has BPD then they will never understand how hard it is to move on & detach.

I'm doing it slowly & one day at a time, it's awful, painful, soul destroying mentally and physically exhausting.

Take care.

Very well said. Personally I had some good news today, found out my ex gf has split up with her bf. It proves all of her relationships have failed as he is bf number 3 after me. I shouldn't be glad but I am.

[once removed]

Very well said. Personally I had some good news today, found out my ex gf has split up with her bf. It proves all of her relationships have failed as he is bf number 3 after me. I shouldn't be glad but I am.

cant the same be said for each of us? that all of our relationships have failed?

So how do you reply to people like this?   I've never even uttered those words to anyone .ltime to move in is not ever anything I say .

i think not replying is reasonable and its better than JADEing.

Also, I'd like to add that you don't owe acquaintances any details about your personal life.  When people ask how you're doing it's fine to say fine and then shift the conversation to another subject. 

i think this is good advice too, and a good boundary.

[jambley]

cant the same be said for each of us? that all of our relationships have failed?

Well, yes that's true.

[Herodias]

They don't understand and hopefully never will. I find I look crazier the more I try to explain. Only people who have been there get it. You hate to pretend with friends, but it is the best way to deal with it. It may even help you in the long run... .

[Mutt]

I'd feel invalidated too if I was told to just move on. Is that the recipe for healing? It's not one size fits all and it's not simply a matter of snapping out of it. Someone else mentioned JADE, you're not alone obligated to give an answer, I agree with don't JADE. Keep in mind that they are probably coming from a place where they want to help but don't know what to say, your situation is complicated.

[Idsrvt2]

I agree. My x at first said he attracted the wrong women ... I sensed that was some manipulation but went with it... .then he acted out and warned me against him saying he really cares doe me but he hurts everyone ... he has tears in his eyes then two days later he claims it was all lies to scare me off from the truth he was raped and mutilated ... .I didn't know he may have BPD ... .

So he has a history of doing this ... .if the breakup wasn't bad enough then he sealed it with the protective order ... if that wasn't bad enough he wanted it dropped me ... .Andy now he is still my mail man.   I thought he smeared me to his job but his boss just made a special trip to my home this week for a package  that he didn't have to do and I barely said anything when I called he just knew it had to be done .   

I think Mutt you hit the nail in the head by said my situation is complex because it is... .even councilors and law enforcement say it's unique.    All I want is to say hey let's just go in peace no hard feelings Andy yet I can't... .I can't approach someone with their head down ... and eBay sales keep coming in... .
this is my version of moving on... .but some don't see it as that
Thank you for all your replies ... I did not reply to the people saying I should move on... .as I am moving on in my own way and if that means being by myself then so be it.   Of course I feel like this now and later could be crying.   It's tough seeing someone walk in front of you looking so bad

That's the difference right there.

[Pedro]

I find it too complicated, complex & time consuming to try & be concise factual giving a summary of someone's BPD in how it affects you in a break up. I just acknowledge people say I'm fine when I'm not & deliberately change the subject.

[jambley]

Change the subject or avoid the subject of your relationship. I have asked my friends to not mention it, why waste precious time on sh!t times when you can share a laugh or a smile?

[Idsrvt2]

It's only brought up when they press and ask why I'm taking time to myself and working in myself right now and don't wish to hang out. 
I only talk in Some details on this board to family and a few close people...   for me it's like this ending just happened in a way, so I know what I need to do to become more grounded and centered ... .just like in the beginning back in April... .I'm four months out ... .last thing I need are these other people I bairly know , hanging out with them... and feeling crappy
This same person texts asking for me to tell him when I receive his texts... .it's just boundary crossing .   

Change the subject or avoid the subject of your relationship. I have asked my friends to not mention it, why waste precious time on sh!t times when you can share a laugh or a smile?

[Seenowayout]

I'm four months into missing her I and still having a tough time "moving on" whatever that means.  Despite therapy and everything else I do -- I am still obsessing about her.  I don't talk to my buddies about my exBPD because they totally wouldn't get it.  Even my sister, who I confide in about this, is beginning to think I'm crazy.  Maybe I am. 

But I can tell you, I myself might have told myself "move on" -- before I actually experienced this relationship. 

I don't think its insensitivity as much as it is plain ignorance.  Hard to imagine what it's like to be an ex-non until you are one.  It's ironic, because my ex so lacked empathy, and I won't find empathy from anyone else about my current situation. Maybe I don't deserve it.

I'm finally beginning to see how much of it IS me.  How I fed into the difficult relationship, how I was codependent, how I allowed it to happen, how I emptied myself and left no boundaries for her demands  -- and why I am in fact so empty now that she's gone. 

I think that realization is a step in "moving on" -- one that has been getting stronger lately, and one that only I can come to. 

Friends, family and acquaintances would never have characterized me as a person who would allow this to happen in the first place.  They see me as Mr. Nice Guy who gets along with everyone, the fixer, a self made man, who wants everyone to be happy -- ahhh but those personality trait (flaws?) are in fact the Achilles heel where she shot her poison arrow.

[jo19854]

The ones who say its time to move on have no clue what they say. When you are abandoned with no closure it is worse than dealing with death. Maybe not in the first weeks but the long term damage from being deserted and discarded after a long term relationship and marriage is inhuman and leaves a scar and trauma that only few will understand. I always loved my wife and i am afraid i always will. I was completely caught by surprise when i found a note laying on the table after returning from work. So when someone says its time to move on i most of the time respond  "easy for you to say" But it did hurt

[lovenature]

It is best not to talk very much about your relationship and BPD with people who have never lived it because it just isn't possible for them to fathom it. Breaking up with someone that has BPD is nothing like a normal breakup, just like a BPD relationship is nothing like a normal relationship: the saddest part of the disorder-the closer you get the more you are pushed away is the exact opposite of what occurs in a normal, healthy relationship.

Reply by saying you don't want to talk about your relationship/breakup anymore, and talk to BPD family and a professional therapist if that works for you.