How to go NC

[SurvivingBPDex]

Hello everyone
I just ended my relationship two weeks ago. I still have  contact with my ex. I got a call from his mother Friday night. We are both 40. You would think that this is a fairly adult age but when it comes to this thing BPD it all seems childish. He basically manipulated his mother to call me. I of course panicked and picked up the phone. Only to hear him cry and blame me for everything that is going wrong in his life. I know I am not to blame but I hurt  regardless. I started T and my therapist said I'm very depressed and :-Odependent. I would love to get to a time where I didn't look at my phone. I look for his text messages. I have been bad in actually answering back. Not all the time but sometimes. I want to be strong and go NC. I am impatient and want to feel better now. This is so hard. I have been reading post and I must say I don't have Facebook anymore. I don't want it either. Any way he can manipulate me or hurt me is a tool I won't give him. I'm doing all the right things . Going for walks. Accepted to go out with friends but I still feel I'm in the Twilight zone
 I miss my ex. I wish he wasn't sick. This feeling sucks. Just venting here.

[JQ]

Hello Surviving,

I see that you just wanted to stop by and vent some ... .it's ok ... . 

It's good to see that you're doing some exercising, and going out with some friends !  And that you're seeing your therapist.  As far as being codependent ... .remember this is a learned behavior ... .it can be UN-LEARNED~!   

Remember ... .one baby step at at time ... .keep moving forward ... .

J

[Idsrvt2]

Hello, you're taking all the right steps for yourself and that's a good start.

I'm also in my early forties as is my x. 
And yes my x acted like a child a lot, even in his text msgs... once he sent something a kid would about it raining and so much more.

You can read my posts on here. 

I'm four months out and as my councilor said the recovery process is much like the relationship with my x was with a lot of ups and downs.
I want to be over him too.
Stay strong and keep posting

[SurvivingBPDex]

Today is Wednesday. Still having some contact with my ex. He keeps calling and texting. I can tell he is still drinking because his messages don't make sense... Also the spelling. I picked up one off his calls before my shift ended at work. It was an unregistered number. He said he still wanted to be in my life and he didn't care the I did not live with him as long as I let him be part of my life. I am strong when we don't talk but when I hear his desperation on the phone it affect me
 I wish and God only knows how much I have prayed for him to get better from his alcoholism
 He is not so bad when he is sober. A bit on the quiet side but that never bothered me
 I'm afraid I'm going to give in so today I'm turning off my cell. Im doing the best I can. I'm hurting really bad. Work keeps me busy but this weekend will be hard.
 

[once removed]

hi SBE,

no contact is one tool out of several approaches to detaching, each with advantages and disadvantages.

one of my favorite articles here is this one: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

it addresses so many of the emotional and practical pitfalls, and how and when no contact makes sense. lots of perspective and valuable information. does it help, and do you have any questions about it?

i think in your case, it might be best to state that for x amount of time (you dont necessarily have to be specific), you need some time and space to yourself to focus on you. suddenly cutting him off can provoke anxiety in both of you, he may up the ante, and you may or may not have the resolve right now to stick by it - you sound worn out, and this is tough stuff. having said that, he may still not respect your wishes, and he may still up the ante, but probably not as much as he would if you cut him off with no explanation.

once you state that you need that time and space, mean it, do it, and use it. doing otherwise communicates to him that all he has to do is up the ante and you will crack.

after that point, you can make more long term decisions about contact or not.

[hurting300]

Contrary to what some people on this board says. No contact isn't when you disappear and instantly stop saying anything. Express to the person you simply do not want further contact. Be respectful about it.

[marti644]

Hi SBE,

The link onceremoved posted was super helpful for me in explaining how to respect your own boundaries and be sensitive to a dysregulated person.

In my experience this is a very challenging stage at the end of the relationship; be kind with yourself here, you are dealing with a dysregulated person. You are human and not perfect. Simply try your best!   That's all any of us do (including our exes).

My ex raged repeatedly through text and it was very incoherent and I didn't know what to do so I (in anger and hurt) cut her off and blocked all communication without another word. Although she was threatening me with violence and other threats this was disrespectful on my part but in the end after I came out of the FOG, learned about BPD, and learned about the issues I had, that made any connection with my ex untenable and unhealthy for both of us (mostly for her I think as I am too weak to not enable her behaviour). So I have stayed NC permanently which was the best for me and (I think) her. I am not proud of going NC like I did but I think it was better than raging back. That's not the true me. I didn't know then what I do know now. Life lesson.

What I am saying (in a long-winded way) is that context is everything. Try to use the tools shared here to inform your decisions, but in the end, use the communication method and strategy that you feel is best for you! Try to stick to it, and if you make a mistake, pick yourself and reset the boundary you choose!

Regards, Marti