I don't want her to have that power over me anymore

[AMK]

Hi All,

This is my first post.  I have used the resources on bpdfamily and have been reading the detachment board and the information has been invaluable to my healing.  I would like to thank everyone in this community.

My soon to be ex-wife is undiagnosed BPD; however, she is a "quiet BPD" and very high-functioning.  The devaluation and discard along with the replacement came very quickly.  A bit of background is that we dated for 5-years and were happily married for nine.  There were definitely BPD traits throughout our relationship but I did not realize their significance at the time.  Our son became very ill (thankfully now fully recovered) and she lost her position at the school she was teaching at (which was hard on her because it was the first time since returning to work full-time since having our children that she was at a school she liked and teaching a grade she liked).  The two traumatic events in a 6-month period led to the BPD coming out stronger than ever before. 

I have learned a lot through therapy and through the resources and reading on this site and accept and understand that our relationship is over.  Even though I am logically in that place, emotionally I am still hurt by the thought of her with someone else (and there have been multiple since my discard).  My replacement actually discarded her quite quickly but she jumped right on to online dating following.  I am low contact but have to see her regularly because we have 2 children together with joint custody.  We also live in a small community so even though I am not actively looking for information about her I still unfortunately hear things. 

The reminders don't bring me down like they did before.  What I mean is that I don't stay down as long and am able to bounce back quicker than I did earlier in this process.  I know that I do not want her back and that it could never work after all that's happened but her choices still hurt me.  I just want to get to a point of indifference where her choices don't have the power to hurt me anymore.  Is it just a time thing or can anyone offer any advice on speeding up the detachment process?

Once again, thank you to everyone involved with bpdfamily.

[Lollypop]

Hi AMK

Welcome to the parenting board.  I'm glad you've found the Detaching board useful - is that where you wanted to post? 

Is it just a time thing or can anyone offer any advice on speeding up the detachment process?

You sound like a very caring person who once deeply loved his wife. It's a complex situation isn't it, we must feel something for that person who we shared so much with, it's not all bad memories. Watching others make mistakes or bad choices is incredibly difficult.

From a Parenting perspective, you've asked a great question. Can we speed up the detaching process?

I believe we can. In my view, and I'm not a doctor or a professional, our emotions are within our unconscious part of our brain. The conscious brain knows that it's had enough pain but it struggles to overpower the stronger unconscious part of ourselves (in the same way as an addict will know that they need to stop). The unconscious thought is set into a pattern of thinking and it's this that needs to be broken. I believe we can train our mind to think differently through repetition of more positive actions.  The more we try and battle the negative thoughts, the more those negative patterns are reinforced.  I think that's why I was stuck for so long trying to change my adult son. I finally set him free, whilst at the same time, focussed on my life and my own desires of how I wanted to live my life. I practise self care, REAL self care, this means doings things that make me happy and leaving others (respectfully) to make their own choices.

I'm detached as I'm only responsible for myself.  I've completely changed my life in this process and this has helped me be the person who I want to be.

You've got a couple of kids thrown into this mix so it's complicated for you.

How are your kids doing?

LP

[AMK]

Hi LP,

Thanks for your reply.  Yes, I did mean to post on the detaching board.  Is there an easy way to re-post there?

I am glad that I made the mistake, however, as I found your reply very helpful.  I am trying my best to take care of myself and my kids but the self care is something that I am learning.  Your advice really resonated with me.  Overall my kids are doing well.  My son is 7 and my daughter is 5 but they both understand their mother has changed and it was her decision to divorce even though we presented a united front (i.e. Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along like they used to) in delivering the news of our split as per my therapist's recommendation (truth in an age appropriate manner without assigning blame).  Once again, thank you.

[Lollypop]

Hi ATM

We got the post moved for you. I'm sure you'll get more responses here.

It's good to know you're getting support in therapy. It's tough and it sounds to me like you're doing great, reflecting and working your own way forwards. Your kids are lucky to have you.

Quite honestly, I worked hard on my communication and validation skills specifically to be more effective with my DS. What's happened is that my new skills help me with all my relationships, including my younger teenage son who has been at that tricky hormonal age. These are life skills, they'll help you in your relationship with your kids as they grow.

Take care

LP

[Harley Quinn]

Hi AMK and Welcome! 

The reminders don't bring me down like they did before.  What I mean is that I don't stay down as long and am able to bounce back quicker than I did earlier in this process.  I know that I do not want her back and that it could never work after all that's happened but her choices still hurt me.  I just want to get to a point of indifference where her choices don't have the power to hurt me anymore.  Is it just a time thing or can anyone offer any advice on speeding up the detachment process?

It sounds like you're in a good place right now regards your progress and this is an ideal time to find us.  Yes, time is a factor, along with understanding of what you've encountered and as LP said, being able to use tools to help you going forward. 

It's important for you that the necessary contact regards the family is as drama free as possible for your kids and for your own sake.  Do take a look at the tools available on the site to help you in that communication, as LP advised, as in my own experience they can make a difference. 

The other tools which will help a great deal are those directed at helping you take a self aware approach to the detaching, so that you can move through the stages of your healing.  I'd like to point you  in the direction of the lessons here on the right of the Detaching board, to help you on your journey.  These are a great starting point and meantime, do continue to read and post, as you'll get lots of support here from others who can understand what you're going through.

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

I just want to get to a point of indifference where her choices don't have the power to hurt me anymore.  Is it just a time thing or can anyone offer any advice on speeding up the detachment process?

Hey AMK, Welcome!  Yes, I predict that you'll reach that place of indifference.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace.  At some point, you may find that you are grateful that your BPDx is someone else's problem, not yours.  In the meantime, I suggest you shift the focus to yourself.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Strive for authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Get back to your core.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[AMK]

LP, HQ & LJ

Thanking you all for taking the time to reply to my post and for all of your positive advice.  It really means a lot.  It has been just over a year since my sudden discard and the break-up of my family.  Overall I have grown a lot and healed in this time.  My kids have been a great source of strength and friends, family and therapy have helped a lot too. 

I am thankful to know the worst is over; it's just that I am exhausted and really want it to be over to fully detach/move forward.  The truth is that I'm not and I'm still hurt.  Logically I know that everybody has their own hurts and mine's not the worst but it's mine and I'm feeling it now.  When I am reminded of things it's like my original injury is re-opened.  I am quicker at healing but like my title suggests I just don't want her to have the power to keep injuring me. (Sorry am going through the divorce process and other factors are at play as well).