Break up or break up crisis

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

It's been an emotional roller coaster ride and at the moment I feel like being thrown off the tracks. I don't know if this current breakup with my BPD girlfriend (not diagnosed) is permanent or if she turns around again in a few days.

I am really sorry for the long upcoming post. Also, if it sometimes seems disconnected. I really have problems ordering my thoughts.

We are / were together for almost one year.  The first six months were amazing. Then came the first break up. I was devastated and visited her next day to apologize (even though I didn't know what I did). To my surprise, she opened the door, smiled, was sweet and acted as if nothing has happened.  

Over the time, the number of her getting angry increased. It wasn't always my fault though. It could be her neighbor cooking a certain dish and the smell keeps her awake all night.

I admit that sometimes I didn't read her correctly and made a stupid joke or comment and that often lead to an almost breakup. From hero to villain in an instant. Then came the jealousy. There could have been an attractive woman that she saw on the street near us. I didn't notice that woman, but got accused of thinking of having sex with that woman. The other day, we went to watch a movie. There was a trailer and it featured scantily clad women dancing in some futuristic setting. She scoffed at me, as she claimed that I stopped breathing for a few seconds while the movie trailer ran. I assured her of my love and loyalty to her, and was with lot of effort able to avert another blow-out. The other day she was annoyed that a person in the cinema texted while the movie was still on. She ran out, yelling foul language. I saw parents in horror covering their kids ears not to hear any of these words. It was embarrassing.

Anything that is not aligned with her idealized worldview upsets her and I get the brunt of it. Can be work, or strangers acting in a way she doesn't approve of.

She often apologized to me when she is calm and loving (which is 80% of the time).

From friends I only get the typical "she is nuts" advice. I know she isn't. She just has problems seeing the world for what it is and react to circumstances or events in a measured way. Her mood swings from good to bad within seconds. What follows are baseless accusations and she insisting on she knows what she sees. In her world view only she has all the right answers and moral compass and everyone else is brainwashed, so she says she has no problems.

I was a bit suspicious at the beginning of the relationship, as she told me she loved me, after 4 weeks of casual dating. We basically just bumped into each other at the same cafes. But I through my suspicions overboard, because of the great amount of love and affection she gave me. Still, the pace of how everything developed is way to fast (she wanted that we move together from day 1). We just recently made plans to move together at the end of the year. She was very happy!

The past two weeks were very surreal though. She was very stressed due to an upcoming entry exam for her study course. She failed initially and was understandably very nervous. I gave her all the support I could. But the evening before she called me if we can meet up, she needs to relax. She didn't want to be home. I was meeting a friend and told her to come over. In the pub where we met sat a few women in mini skirts and one of them caught my friends attention. I didn't notice that, because I was looking around the place for a table to sit at. She scoffed at me and ran away. I followed her and caught up with her. She accused me in foul language that men are just for sex. I brought her home to calm down. The argument intensified and at one point, she ran n underwear out and winked at cars at the streets yelling "look at me I am a prostitute!". I left deeply disturbed and clueless what to say or do. Next day I found out about possible BPD and read all about it I could.

It took three days of listening, supporting her and validating how she feels to get things back on track.

Then last Friday she got in a bad mood as she has often severe PMS and this was the day they set in. By Saturday evening everything was fine again. We went for a movie. On the way home, I was accused again that I was ogling at some woman who I didn't even notice.

All was good again on Sunday morning. Sunday afternoon, we went for coffee and a female friend of ours bumped into us. She is not often in the area and we three had a short chat. That friend ordered a sharer and offered some to us too. I had a little bit out of politeness, but my girlfriend didn't want. Nothing more happened that day, as we were about to leave anyway.

Monday morning, she sent me lovely text messages, as she knew I had an important business meeting that day. I called her before the meeting and she told me how much she loves me and wishes me best of luck. She sounded tired. She said she didn't sleep all night because of her cooking/smoking neighbor. She cannot stand the smell. I told her to try to rest and that I love her and will call her after the meeting.

She didn't answer the call, so I sent her a text message telling her that I am out of the meeting and asking what her plans for the afternoon were. I got a very aggressive text back and I read from it, that she is deeply unhappy about something. So I went to her apartment to see if she is ok, or if she needs something.

She was furious, because something she had to do didn't work out the way she wanted, that she had to wait too long on the phone trying to call up the local council, etc. She yelled at what I call "imaginary people" in her native tongue and just couldn't stop. We went out and she started arguments again. I validated her feeling, but also enforced some boundaries.

Then came the break-up. At 4am I got 20 text messages in the foulest of language, about how my friends are all perverts and I just think of sex with other women and our mutual female friend is rude to offer food and that I ate from the same platter (well that's how sharers are served). I was confused. She told me to go and f*** that woman instead, because she has seen how I looked at her.

None of that is true, but in her mind it is. I even made sure that I show her physical affection by holding her in my arm, my hand on her back, etc while we were talking to our mutual friend. None of that counts and she told me (again) to be well and leave her alone.

On Tuesday night I got again 10 text messages of how I do not deserve her, that I am the biggest ass in the world, I should get lost, etc.

That is the last time I heard from her.

Problem is that I am away for a week and have no chance to go to her apartment. That usually helped most in the past. So I have to rely on text messages. I refrain form calling, since there is a possibility of escalation.

On top of that, she is in financial difficulties at the moment. I paid her rent and paid for her shopping for the past two months. She offered me to pay back as soon as she earns more, but I told her I wouldn't want that, since we have plans to live together anyway and that we are partners. She smiled at that point.

Monday was payday for her rent. She doesn't have the money and could face very soon consequences. I worry. She didn't say anything about money in her texts, so I didn't want to insult her by offering it to her. On the other hand, I do not want to punish her by saying that I will not give her a penny for her behavior. That would not be me.

I sent her a letter by text the other day. Validated her, but also saying that her accusations are untrue and that I am committed to her. It feels to me as if everything positive in our relatively young relationship is ignored.

My question is, if I contact her, should I go with my gut which wants to sort things out as quickly as possible? Should I wait? I am 500 miles away, so I cannot just bump into her and take it from there. What type of message would be best to open up the communication without risking another emotional blow out?

I am at my wits end. I still cannot process what happened, but I am not willing to just give up yet.

Thank you for reading this and your responses.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi AtWitsEnd_UK, This all sounds very tough. Since you posted in "Saving A Relationship" I am searching for a helpful response, but coming up a bit short. I am still taking this all in. This is quite a lot! And it sounds like you have made some nice efforts and done quite a bit of validating as well. In a "normal" situation you would not have to worry so much about making a false step and would have other considerations in terms of resolution.

Are you sure that calling won't work at this point? If you are genuinely concerned about the rent and feel she needs you would you reconsider on that point? Make a call and see if that helps her open up? I can't say at all what is best here. When I have been cut off in the past I had no way to reach my partner at all and was left hanging for over a month at the worst point. I had no idea if we were off or on or what. I never had to worry about him financially though. Hmmm. I think in all fairness, if she is keeping you at bay, and you are not living together, you just have to wait this one out and see if the relationship does come back together. What do you think? Perhaps you could just remind her of the previous conversation about rent assistance, if you still feel willing to extend yourself in this way to her, and say you are available to talk and assist her if she would like.

I would say take some time to read things here and be ready for anything because literally anything could happen! Take care fella! Take care!

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

Hi pearlsw,

Thank you for your kind response. I am sorry about the way you have been left dangling in limbo.

":)angling" is exactly how I feel right now. I am unsure if I am still kept at bay and she just put up her walls to see, if I can be strong or jump over them (like the other times) or if this time is the final break up.

I am worried, about her. Her texts read as if she would not accept anything from me at all. She doesn't have many friends to ask and her family isn't helping her either. They think she is crazy. (her words)

I will take your suggestion and read up on things here.  if calling would be a good option. From the tone of voice in her messages and getting no response to my texts validating her yesterday, I do think calling might cause another nuclear reaction at this moment.

No matter how it works out, I will keep this threat updated.

Take care!

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

Update:

I tried to call, but no answer. I send her a validation text.

I got a message saying "Stop texting me your stupid methods". OI send her another text and each response is about how great she is right now and full of hatred towards me with more accusations, like I do everything to her purposefully.

At least a response is better than none. Shows that my messages are read. I may be silly to hope that this is a first small step. In the past that worked, but only if I was seeing her face to face.

Her anger is deeply rooted. I also got told by the mutual female friend that my behavior in no way could be interpreted as being too friendly or flirty. (Hallucinating and overreacting she said).

Any suggestions are really appreciated. And maybe these updates can help you if you are in a similar situation.

[north69]

Dude I hope you sort it because you can't be in a good place mentally right now. It's not healthy that we're all like this, not right to be treated in this way by our partners.

There are good people out there - I just wish I could summon a bit more strength and love my wife a little less also.

Pearl, I didn't realise you were left in limbo for a month, that's bad. I think I might have gone mad in such a long time, I have LC for our son and it's bad now at just over two weeks.

And Wits End, is it bad that I chuckled at her text response about stop texting stupid methods? My wife would do the same. Almost word for word.

I think the validation has to be used in a really subtle manner (obviously depending on the person). If my wife saw me using techniques or methods on her she'd be even more annoyed by me than she generally is already.

Whilst you're without her try to make yourself stronger. I know it's easier said than done but eat well, exercise etc.

Best of luck to you, genuinely hope that things improve

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

Thank you, north69. Mentally I am torn and it's not a good state to be in. It's paralyzing.  Sleeping, eating and exercising are very difficult these days. I rarely sleep more than 4 hours a night. I cannot imagine how to get through two weeks of that. It is helpful and encouraging that there are others went through or are going through the same and are willing to share their experiences and help. I really hope you will be able to see your son regularly, improve your situation and summon your strength.    I wish you best of luck!

I am with you on loving the partner a little less. If only I could. My rational mind tells me I should love her less, stop putting up with this behavior and putting her on some sort of probation. At the same time it also tells me what exactly I could have done differently to avoid the current situation altogether. But I have constant flashbacks of how great her giant love for me felt. I see these images constantly and feel the same feelings. I remember that she told me that for her it is easy to stop loving and I must be broken because I cannot switch my emotions off instantly. Hours later she confessed her love for me again. I know that she is not well. She avoids our mutual friends and has not been seen on social media since Monday. I am not on Facebook, but mutual friends told me. They know how worried I am and worry about her too. Then again, mutual friends will be the last she wants to see or contact at the moment.

And then there is the entire emotional confusion. All was/seemed perfect. I am 45 with kids. She is 37 and more than accepted that I have kids. She wanted a child too in a few years. This was not a problem for me and she was all over the moon.

Red flags were there like moving too far too quickly, talking about marriage after a few weeks, confessing her love to me almost instantly. The biggest red flag was that she wanted me to get an apartment for us within a week of being together. I only knew her for a few weeks and hesitated. She apologized to me and told me that she never wants to put any pressure on me.

I dismissed any red flags as I was overwhelmed by her devotion and the display of unconditional love. It felt like that first innocent teenage love. Over time I more emotionally involved and we made plans up until Saturday about moving together towards the end of the year.

Now my initial hesitation is interpreted as never having been genuinely interested in her, just playing with her. On top of that I even get blame from something I said in the weeks before we dated, when I knew her casually and sometimes bumped into her while being out with friends and she joined us.

The current break up (crisis) seems more serious than the previous one, but I do not want to give up on her just now. I would constantly ask myself, if there is more that I could have done to reconcile and to help her. I feel that if I no that I have exhausted all possible options, it may be easier to get over it, if all fails.

I know, she will survive somehow, but I find that approach very cold and I do care. Maybe I should care less?

I agree that validations need to be subtle.  I wanted to see, if I can get a reaction / response from her at all. So, I went less subtle. Of course, I did not expect getting a good response. 

I helped her in various phone calls regarding her student loans and other important calls, where she failed to make any progress. After those calls she smiled and said it is great how I can manipulate people to make progress in a call and it takes her weeks without results. I told her that I am not manipulating, but just friendly and emphatic when interacting with people, because they are just doing their job and have to handle complainers all day. So, since then I have methods.

North69, it is not bad that you chuckled. My first thought after receiving that message was to reply with "Clever girl" and perhaps a wink to show that I did not mean it as an insult. But I thought that would push it too far as she could misunderstand it. I learned that with her I must not react on first impulse.

Perhaps I change the tone from being caring to something more direct and firm. But I will wait before next contact, which I must admit is most difficult.

I believe in sorting out conflicts as they happen in a calm way. I admit when I am wrong and improve. I asked her once if she can give me a signal when she feels uncomfortable about anything. Her reply was that she doesn't have to. I would have to know. I was taken aback, because I thought I made a reasonable suggestion on how to learn about each other better and lower the chance for conflict. I am not a psychic and able to read others minds / thoughts. Her rage mostly happen after something that happens in a social or public setting annoys her. We rarely had conflicts when being together at home. Yet, abandoning friends and never going out is not an option.

Alas, it's not only like walking on eggshells. It's like she puts eggs all around me and tells me to walk without stepping on an egg. Not possible.

Problem is that before I read about BPD traits, I reacted in the wrong way. I explained, argued, defended or justified, told her off and stood up for myself or even for friends (bad idea), sometimes passionately (even worse), if I thought that whatever I was accused of is baseless and unjust. On two occasions, I raised my voice in response to being yelled and screamed at for hours. Last time this happened months ago. I went to great length to genuinely apologize for it on each of the two occasions. Since then I just let her yell and remain calm and be emphatic, ride out the storm. But those two occasions rule her mind at times of rage and she reminds me of them.

After reading through these forums I understand more and adapt how I deal in such situations. But I am human and I cannot be 100% aware every second of the day. It seems that nothing is ever truly forgiven and sometimes it is like walking in circles. There is just no resolution.

At the moment I feel that proving that I am committed and actively working on building a hopefully long relationship suddenly accounts for nothing. A few days, her view on that was the opposite though.

Does this sound familiar?

[north69]

Very, very familiar.

Only you've shown more restraint than I have. I generally try to use logic to show her the error of her ways and I wind up making her furious, and then getting hit.

I should really shut up and just take it. Or should I? It's not right, it's not normal.

There's a school of thought that says absorbing her constant abuse and letting her feed off you in this way will weaken and damage you both physically and psychologically. It's not right, we all excuse it because we love our wives, see their good sides etc etc. But the reality is that we're co-dependents and we're our own worst enemies.

My weakness enables my wife's behaviour, it always has done.

I was selected because I am a good guy and because I'll always be there for her  (doubting that at the minute) but I've sure put up with a lot more than most.

Their selection process might not be conscious, it might just be how they're wired. Look at how many men talk of their beautiful younger amazing girls and wives who have BPD. There's a reason that we're punching above our weight (me included).

It's because a fellow 8 or 9 out of 10 bloke who matched their looks would not put up with this absolute garbage.

I know I'm being superficial but I believe a lot of it. I firmly believe that nobody would put up with all this absolute nonsense, to be treated in this way, constant abuse, constant worry - if they weren't madly in love. And part of this 'love' (If we can call it that) is based on how physically attractive they are.

Makes it so much harder to leave when you think about that - or I find if I think about her settling down with another man. That's impossible for me to comprehend. But that future guy... .he's got the same ride in store. Same garbage, same cycle, it will be the same story all over again.

Should see how my wife tries to mock up our relationship to the outside world 'Fairytale' is her status on whatsapp. Should be nightmare.

When I see her rubbish in future relationships at least I'll know how transparent it is and know what truly lies beneath.


Rant over... .and I still would love to reconcile somehow. Read all that above. Then I still would love to reconcile. They don't call them crazy makers for nothing

[Skip]

My question is, if I contact her, should I go with my gut which wants to sort things out as quickly as possible? Should I wait? I am 500 miles away, so I cannot just bump into her and take it from there. What type of message would be best to open up the communication without risking another emotional blow out?

Take a deep breath and step back.  She is obviously upset about something unrelated to you and she blasted you to get some emotion relief. Next time that cloud starts to form, get out. 

For now, you need to wait for her to get to baseline and reach out to you. If you chase her, she will only dump her emotions on you.

I'd wait a little bit of time (maybe a day) and send her something clever or funny related  to your trip - but don't include a question (require a response).  Then sit back and wait for her to respond in her own time. When she does, don't go into the fight - wait for a more appropriate time to discuss.

[pearlsw]

Yes, they are crazy makers!

It is so interesting to read the male perspective vs. female perspective on this site. It varies a bit, yet somehow we are all in the same big love boat on a stormy sea!

My one month plus of total silent treatment was a few years ago before we lived together. If only I had read the warning signs then, and not chalked it all up to legitimate life stressors that would abate with time, how different my life might be now.

To be clear, I've been to this rodeo twice.

After the first relationship I had one of the most painful devastating breakups I could imagine possible, followed by my (now looking back on it) foolish attempts to try to reach out to him and reestablish communication. When we are in love and attached it is so hard to let go, especially when you get dumped out of the blue, thought all was fine, can't imagine life without them, etc. etc.   It is such a horrible feeling. It leaves you in this limbo mentally, thinking perhaps you have to move on, but desperately hoping they will come back and all that love will come back too. And there is no way to know which outcome it will be until you finally just do.

I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you guys are feeling right now, and those reading this too who are just looking for answers. Why? How could this be? It makes no sense and yet our minds want to make sense of it. Acceptance will come when it has to, if it needs to. Allow yourself to just feel the emotions... .time will help. It really will. Take it from a fellow sufferer who made it to the other side... .

On a more "positive" note, if you can call it that, because my current partner has broken up with me hundreds of times, all feeling real, traumatic and devastating, I have somehow reached another point in life. I still have some fear related to breakups, they are traumatic and feel like death for me (trigger childhood trauma around death of a parent), but also, there is a part of me that is at peace with and welcomes the final breakup when/if it ever comes. After all this, being alone, or "ending up alone" in life, has lost a lot of its sting and even has some appeal. I still like me and I'm easy to get along with, even my partner says that! :D

All I can say is we are here, day after day, to hear about each other's struggles and just be with you. Just want to let you feel some comfort in knowing you are not alone on these dark days. We know and deeply understand your pain, and we want the best for you.

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

---BIG UPDATE---

While writing a message to all of you, I got an email from her.

"CALL ME NOW"

That's it. I am quite nervous. Should I wait? I feel I need to form a strategy and think about what to say. Or should I just ignore it and call her tomorrow? Let her dangle? Take control and excuse myself? I could have been driving / out with family, not checked email this evening, etc.

The last thing I want to do is to call her now totally unprepared.

I will post the other message a little later.

Hope and Angst at the same time here... .Need a deep breath.

What would you do?

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

---ADDENDUM TO BIG UPDATE---

She responded to the email I sent her last week Thursday. It was not a personal email, I just forwarded her a link.

Of course, I am thinking about what she wants. The tome is very sharo, showing that she is still angry. Yet, I do not want to jump just because she demands me to call her.

I know that a very good friend of mine who she sometimes talks to when being out at the bar send her a fb message. He was worried about her too and wanted to see, and sent her an R U OK message. Could be that this upset her and she wants to tell me off.

Or she wants/needs to move out and want me to arrange to have my stuff picked up. Well it's all presents, cards and flowers I ever gave her.

But then again, why doesn't she write in her email what she wants? Puzzling.

She probably cannot call or text because her contract is very restrictive on free minutes, texts and internet usage. We had this sometimes that she has to wait a day or two until she can use her phone again.

Again, what puzzles me is that she didn't just write me what she wants. And yes, she knows all-caps means shouting. Hence I know that she is still mad. Something must still irk her or she needs help but doesn't want to reconcile yet, but she had no other option than to approach me. That fact alone could irk her and maybe she needs to shout at the phone.

I will wait a little bit and think it through. I am very tempted to leave it until tomorrow and see, if she sends more emails. Not playing games, but maybe it will cool her down a bit.

What do you think?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Atwitsend-

I'm so sorry you're going through this cloud of confusion and pain.  I feel you may be driving yourself a bit crazy by trying to guess all the different things she may want to discuss with you.  But, and this is a BIG BUT... .you do know her and her patterns.  If her message to you was in all caps and you interpret that as she's still angry and she wants to SCREAM at you, you have the right to not engage.

Here's a little truth. (Maybe a bit hard to hear).  Just because she tells you to "jump", doesn't mean you have to ask 'how high?", even if she does have strong BPD traits.  If you're more comfortable waiting, and responding straightaway causes too much stress for you, then allow yourself space and wait.  That's part of caring for yourself.

You don't tell us whether she's ever been diagnosed, done therapy, etc., although since you did say that she believes the rest of the world is out of sorts, I guess you're saying NO.

This sounds like a really difficult relationship, and a lot of thinking to be done considering you have kids.  I know I'm getting off topic, but won't it be tricky to integrate your kids and their "attractive" friends around your BPD girlfriend?  just a lot to think about... .

Please take care of yourself.  The information on our site will be so helpful.  If she does not want to do any work on herself, the tools will help you.  But you must put yourself first.  I do want give you great credit for NOT isolating yourself socially.  Please keep that position strong.  Many of us have not has success in that area.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[pearlsw]

If you can handle it call sooner rather than later I'd say. But that's just me. She called to say something so just listen and see what it is, and express verbally that you are listening. Validate whether you agree or not. If you wait you will just feel worse I am afraid. You have been waiting for and wanting this I think. It is okay to talk and listen if you want that.

[pearlsw]

I can't decide if "CALL ME NOW" is impolite or genuinely urgent. Sincere or manipulative. Sigh. Tough stuff. But I think the risks outweigh your need for some resolution/insight into what is going on. Waiting to see here... . Good luck man!

[Skip]

"CALL ME NOW"

It's an aggressive and angry text... .there is probably some fight behind this.  

I would call, let her say her piece without over-reacting. Just hear her and let her know that you just want to listen, take it in, and then take some time to think about what she is saying.

[sandstoneD]

Wow, I am the female with the male BPD. For the second time in the last couple weeks he told me to leave or was it mail him his keys. I do not feel the panic at this time but it is only cause I believe it is not true. I could be a basket case in a couple days. He might have said it hoping I would drive to his place. I do not know. Thank you for your story, i am new here and seeing what others go through is helpful. I am guessing it would be worse with a female.

I posted right before reading this thread looking for help in how best to respond to these provocations - I literally never know what the best response is when he is one of his rages or whatever it is you want to call it when he suddenly is turned off to me and scrutinizing every word I say. Nothing I do is right.

[north69]

Did you call her & find anything out in the end? You have me intrigued.

I'd call, despite the tone of the message.


Tricky balance between:

a) Letting her see that you've got boundaries, you've got standards for how you should be treated and spoken to.

b) Being there fir somebody with core abandonment issues.



I think during this time it wouldn't be smart to work on the boundaries and setting rules etc. Probably best to work on that when you're together and in a good space.

That's my advice anyway, I'm still on LC with a potential divorce on the cards so who I am to say. Weakness & me pandering to her has got me to where I am today.

Who knows whether taking a stand, being strong would have drove her away or corrected the bad way in which she treats me.

Good luck!

[Whoad]

Take a deep breath and step back.  She is obviously upset about something unrelated to you and she blasted you to get some emotion relief. Next time that cloud starts to form, get out. 

For now, you need to wait for her to get to baseline and reach out to you. If you chase her, she will only dump her emotions on you.

I'd wait a little bit of time (maybe a day) and send her something clever or funny related  to your trip - but don't include a question (require a response).  Then sit back and wait for her to respond in her own time. When she does, don't go into the fight - wait for a more appropriate time to discuss.

Thank you skip... .I'm dealing with something very similar... sounds so surreal... I like let return to baseline and return to  us to white. If we are split black just talking or texting any  contact is fruitless, it stokes the anger they have for us...

I found that when she does contact me, I avoid a catch 22 and then wait till I can be validating and speak in kinder words... I use medium chill in my language to her... it's harder when they silent treatment us, and then post crap to poke us into a response... I wish my pwBPD would give an opening to speak ... she is so stubborn even at baseline...   worse now in the episode. Now I will read rest of the thread.

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

Hi all,

I am sorry for the late update. The past 24 hours have been very emotional.

Quick synopsis: All looks much better now. Read on for more

I wanted to let her wait for at least until next morning. I didn't want to jump just because she emails me. Being nervous about what to expect helped to put calling her off for a while.

Then I got text messages. She was desperate, blamed me of not caring about her, her life is sh*t and she gets what she deserves. Then came the bomb shell. She threatened to commit suicide... .At the same moment I got a text from a friend who said he saw her and looked very distressed. Needless to say, I called her straight away.

On the phone she was hysteric, crying and said she is cursed. She had no money and on top of all other problems, her apartment was infested with fruit fly eggs and she had hundreds of flies everywhere. She lives in an old building with many cracks, so the flights come out in a warm summer night. She was close to a nervous breakdown, at one time she threw more baseless accusations at me, then she broke down crying again. She is OCD in terms of cleanliness and just the thought of germs etc distresses her.

I was driving and stayed with her for the most part of two hours on the phone to calm her down. I told her to go to a restaurant down the road and ask them to charge my card while waiting fpr mutual friends to pick her up, so she would stay the night at their house. They live only 300 yards away, but were at a concert in central London and not able to pick her up until after two hours.

I called her over and over again and she went though a variety of moods, none of them good though. She told me that just because I help her wouldn't mean anything and she would not have sex with me. TO be honest, that was not in my mind at all. I wanted her safe and in a peaceful environment first. To get through to her I used a variety of validation, empathy and firm logic to defute her fabrications (thanks north69). She slowly started turning.

My friends texted me. They gave her food and she slept well. She texted me more before she went to bed about how tired she is of life, how she doesn't trust anyone, how she gets all misery she deserves and so on.

This morning I got more texts from her and I responded factually, logical and focused on sorting her issues. She told me again, that because me helping her would not mean that there is anything between us.

I arranged a place to stay for her until my return on Tuesday with another mutual friend. I know him quite well. He is in his sixties and quite a paternal friend to her. I wanted her in a place where she isn't alone and can talk if she needs to .

Later she called me again and she started to be nicer again. She asked me if I am ok with everything. I said, I am ok with everything that takes places here in Berlin at the moment. She got the message and said "So you are ok with everything else". I said, yes with everything else... .

I told her not to worry about anything, that she is sorted and that I would deal with her "plague" when I am back and she should just relax. Her response was very positive, though she said that she needs time for everything to go back to normal and I should understand. I said I do understand. My priority is to get her balanced again

Her texts now sound more positive and she even uses the pet name she once gave me.

I just two more text messages from her. Seems our friend and her are talking about me. She just texted me "He asked me if I realize how much you love me" (meaning me). Our friend knows a lot about our relationship, and asking a direct question (brought him into a lot of trouble in the past) like this sounds just like him. I had no input on that one. 


She stays now at his place and is safe and will hopefully find some peaceful sleep.

I have more to add and will get back to all posts since yesterday. I spent the last 24 hours coordinating everything for her from 500 miles away.

It  will still be a lot of work to get back, but with TLC and support it will be fine. I am working on a plan to get her to see a therapist, because when she is in a happy mood she is the sweetest woman I can imagine.

Thank you to everyone for your advice.

Pearlsw, you are right. Anything can happen. But I must admit that this one was totally unexpected.
North69, Thank you for your input on being more firm and use logic. The combination of validation and logic helped. I set firm boundaries when she started getting aggressive on the calls. I told her that I will drop the call if she continues, because I want to sort on her situation first and I need her to work with me to find a solution.

Skip, holding my breath and wait was good. I wanted to contact her many times yesterday during the day before those events. I kept your words in mind and avoided contact. Yes, the email sounded aggressive and I had the same fears. I was actually tempted to email her back saying "Please send me your number. I deleted it." Would have been a shell shock for her. Then I saw the texts that she is severely distress.

Whoad, You are spot on. Holding your breath and step back is, as hard as it sounds, good. But I also found not to wait ftoo long, otherwise you just validate your BPD partner's feeling that you are indeed not interested in them. I would leave a day or two between messages. Your mileage may vary though.

JaneD, I will write exactly what I did in the past 24 hours when I talked to her. It was a mix of validating, being firm, enforcing boundaries, telling her that I would cut her off, if she continues blaming, ignoring threats, staying calm and most of all staying focused on the outcome. I wanted to help and then reconcile later. That defined my strategy. I promise I will write more about this here very soon. I hop it will help you.

GemsforEyes, You are totally right. A key is not to isolate yourself. Being in Berlin and she being in London, I  have to rely on my friends network to help her out and take her in at their places. If I followed her path of isolation there would be nobody to help. Shame that she usually does not see it that way, as everyone is not trustworthy to her, even the people who work with me to help her right now. But I hope with counselling and TLC she will pull through. I know, the chances are slim, but I hold my hope up high.

If I have forgotten anyone else who contributed to this threat, I couldn't have come so far without your kind words. All of you helped me a lot in times of despair. I want to give back. Therefore, I will update this threat soon. I have written a post yesterday when the email came in. I will still finish and post it, as it is an integral part of this journey. Also I am not there yet. Too early to pop the champagne corks. But everything looks positive. And I will keep you updated.

Now I will respond to her latest text messages. I will be upbeat, focused and avoid being overly emotional. Putting on a strong face, whilst I would love to hug her now and make her feel safe.

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

I would call, let her say her piece without over-reacting. Just hear her and let her know that you just want to listen, take it in, and then take some time to think about what she is saying.

Skip, you are so true. I once told her why she tells me about her real frustrations only when she is in rage. I have to listen to the inner meaning of what she says, not the actual words. If you do the latter you will just get lost trying to follow the irrational accusations and past memories, as they are only connected by her emotions and not reason. Easier said than done though.

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

I literally never know what the best response is when he is one of his rages or whatever it is you want to call it when he suddenly is turned off to me and scrutinizing every word I say. Nothing I do is right.

JaneD, I know exactly what you are saying. Before knowing about BPD, I would argue, defend reason, calling her out and so on. We would get into heated arguments. As hard as it seems, in our last phone calls, when she was at rage, I stopped listening. I waited until she is finished. Then I would tell her that I cannot follow, but I understand her frustration and ask her specific questions. Firmly and logical.

I found every word and every pause I made when arguing with her to be scrutinized and thrown back at me months later in another argument. Often I would justify what I said, but trying to explain that she misunderstood and distorts the meaning is futile. Reasoning doesn't work.

Let him rage. I told her once after she finished her rage that I fail to see the connection between what she says and the issue at hand. I would ask "And what does this have to do with X?" Now this is only when you cannot validate or anything. I try to break the rage cycle first... If he rages on, then you must enforce boundaries. I did tell my girlfriend that I do not want to fight with her and that I would just leave now. She would immediately hit back at me that I would leave her like everyone does and that she is better off alone, but I wouldn't take the bait. Next thing I say in a calm tone "I see you another time / day / later" and without any further word.

I would come back 10/15 minutes later and found her calm and even smiling at me. I would avoid trying to talk about the issue that caused the fight. Especially as the reasons are mostly fabricated and baseless.

This way, you do not give your partner any ammunition to use against you. I wish I had known this much earlier, as she throws stuff what what I said months ago at me, always misconstrued and distorted. I will live with that, but at least it won't give her more words to twist.

Of course I can only talk about my experience with my girlfriend here. Your partner might be different, but it is worth to give it a shot under any circumstance, as you also enforce boundaries without giving him material to use against you in the future.

I wish you the very best of luck and stay strong in the next argument. 

[sandstoneD]

Thank you so much for this information and insight.  Right now I am at his place, he told me we are over, and a bunch of thngs that are wrong with what I do, that we do not get along and are incompatible and not right that I should leave the keys etc.  I pointed out that he also said yesterday that I should feel to come and go as I please from his condo... .

Anyway - I am here frantically trying to work while my mind is relatively clear and having NO idea what to expect. Why do we want this ?  Obviously I am not so healthy to stay in this situation and yet all I want is to resume status quo.

Can you tell me - it has been going well for five months. I have been in relationships with men who really meant what they said about what they wanted out of a relationship. Is he any different?  When the BPD male makes these statements are they true or false?  It is so confusing because in his case he so often says things he really does not mean that it is hard to know if I should believe he wants to end the relationship or act as if he means it and get out of here.

Any help is greatly appreciated!

[Whoad]

Whoad, You are spot on. Holding your breath and step back is, as hard as it sounds, good. But I also found not to wait ftoo long, otherwise you just validate your BPD partner's feeling that you are indeed not interested in them. I would leave a day or two between messages. Your mileage may vary though.

I'm glad something has happened, just not that for her.

I wish I could have at least some contact, I have been in Silent treatment since the 19th of June... no text, no calls, nothing... I have to wait for her to make some contact... that's how it happened before... she has never accused me of not loving her. So I wait to come out of black or get "charmed" ... I want contact trust me... I want it badly... I shut off her phone when she left and canceled her car insurance, it was financial decision... I too wait a day or few hours once she makes contact. Then I respond after I calm down... or if it's negative text, I ignore it. 

The more I think about my pwPD -- I think mixture of HPD/NPD. Mine would never use suicide... chaos, castrophising, impulsivity, lots of damn selfies... I also have said diagnosis of anxiety disorder and nos personality with HPD/npd traits... and I am seeing the  npd. So I don't know a game plan ... ( new addition -- I have bought her birthday gifts early this month, and placed the box in pic with the cat, placed in Instagram ... and marked them bought in my Pinterest as tried. " she chose the gifts... its long shot to get dialogue but she is watching my stuff... if she know I bought her her bday stuff that would indicate my connection--it's the best I can do till she opens up... )

I wish you luck and hope with your new tools you can work this for you and her...

[AtWitsEnd_UK]

JaneD, this sounds all so familiar to me and I am very sorry that you have to go through this. I started this thread, because I was in exactly the same situation as you are. I did not know if the break-up is final and really meant or not.

I have been told many times that it's over, I am not for her, many things that are wrong about me (often untrue accusations), that it does not work between us and that she is better off without me, etc.

Then again I have been told that I am her King, that I am perfect for her and so on.

I asked myself the same questions. What of the things does she actually mean? Which are the real views? Which one the the real her? Which things about me does she believe, the positive or the vile? Does she want a relationship or not?

Of course, I want to believe that the positive things are real, because it feels so much better and during my relationship with her I heard loving words more often than the bad things she says about me. So I decided that she does not believe her own negative statements.

Truth is that both seem somewhat true for a BPD, the nice words and the hurting stuff. At any given point in time it's either all good or all bad. In my case, I either can do nothing wrong or nothing right. I am loving her or just intent on hurting her. I am caring and I am careless. I am selfless or selfish. We are a match or we are not made for each other. This switching can make one crazy. Got me many sleepless nights.

I read that deep down a BPD craves a relationship. But BPDs feel unworthy and are constantly afraid of being rejected, invalidated, neglected or abandoned. Since attacking is the best form of defending, the BPD will push you away when they fear being abandoned in the relationship that they so crave.

Something triggers that fear and the fear leads to the BPD re-experiencing past rejections, failures, disappointment or being abandoned on an amplified emotional level. To avoid feeling hurt again, you will be pushed away. It's a self-protection mechanism for a BPD.

I came to the conclusion that my BPDgf will actually feel the painful emotions as if the all the hurtful past events connected to a fear are happening right now, basically re-living the experience on an amplified emotional level. It feels real for the BPD and their feelings are their reality.


During the past few days, I have learned a lot here and from the great responses and suggestions from other members of the community.

I can tell you, and I am sure others will agree, that getting back to status quo is not the easiest journey. Especially holding back against irrational accusations is something I had to learn the hard way.

I think the difficult journey is well worth it because I love my partner deeply and want to stay with her. I am also aware that I may have to go through all of this again at some point in the future. But I hope I will be better equipped next time.

JaneD, I genuinely  wish you all the best in your efforts to resume your relationship back to normal. I know that these are very difficult and confusing times for you. Heads up and stay strong!