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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Stalking, Vandalism, Terrified  (Read 809 times)
satahal
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« on: August 03, 2017, 03:35:28 AM »

I'm sorry for showing up out of no where - hoping for some ideas and support. I participated on this board a bit while still in a relationship with my ex w/BPD.

We broke up in two stages - 1st was 2 years ago - he'd become increasingly controlling, paranoid and drinking too much. He was following me at work because he was convinced I was cheating when I wasn't. I broke up with him and maintained contact, in the hopes he'd get help but he didn't.

One year ago, we had a final type break up in which I called the police because he showed up quite drunk and scared me. He was subsequently diagnosed with cancer and I've had spotty contact bc I was worried about him and the thought of him dying got me sentimental.

I started dated about five months ago. He's vandalized my home and car and my boyfriend's home and vehicle multiple times, causing thousands in damages. I called the police initially but with no proof nothing was done. I have video surveillance on my home now and that's helped a lot. My bf is just installing on his home now after the third incident.

I am seriously concerned he will assault one of us. He once relayed a story to me about he and his buddy assaulted a guy who had an affair with the buddy's wife. I am living in terror.

I don't know what to do. I understand the basic advice is no contact and I'm doing that now - although I didn't do that up until a few months ago. I was delusional and thought we could be friends to some degree and at times in denial about the stalking and vandalism. It was hard for me to believe he was doing this.

He's maintained a relationship with my disabled son as he was his step father for ten years.

Should I block him on my son's phone? Will this infuriate him more?

Are there any measures I can or should try other than conventional advice for stalking victims?

He has guns. He sent me a long email a week or so ago proclaiming he had no interest in getting back together. He cited messages from me in which I stated I was worried about his health, saying he would use these should there be any "legal" issues - not sure what prompted that but a few days later he caused 3k in damages to my bf's car.

I am so scared I want to move. I was thinking I could rent a home or apartment and hide out there for six months in the hope this helps. Any thoughts?

Thank you for reading.



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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2017, 06:44:44 AM »

Oh satahal

My heart goes out to you.  PLEASE get help.  You could phone the police and read them what you wrote here about what has been happening.  They need to take this seriously and help you to safeguard yourself.  :)o you now have evidence to support you?  

Love and light x
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satahal
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« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2017, 03:47:05 PM »

Thanks Harley. Unfortunately, the police don't seem to care very much. When he was arrested for DV they were horrid and accused me of calling them because I was mad at him. It was humiliating and resulted in more episodes. Honestly, after that arrest all of the vandalism started - he was furious.

I feel pretty powerless.

I'm out of town for a few weeks. When I return, I'm going to rent an apartment and be very careful to make sure I'm not being followed, so he doesn't discover it. My hope is that if he has zero contact and zero ability to stalk me, he will move on. I just want my life back.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2017, 04:07:24 PM »

Hi satahal,

I'm really frustrated to hear that the police handled that situation so badly for you.  Unfortunately there are less helpful people than others in all walks of life and sadly some police may even be perpetrators or advocate abuse towards women.  Horrifying I know but it's possible.  However please don't let one experience with the police put you off.  You have a right to be heard and to be safeguarded.  It is important that these offences are recorded and that repercussions can be put in place if they continue.  The likelihood of having the same officers attend is slim and it's vital that there are records in case of any escalation. 

Have you contacted any local abuse support service/agency?  They could help you with safety planning and give good advice about steps you can take to avoid further issues arising.  I've used a local service myself and still have a support worker long after the end of the r/s who is a massive help to me in many areas.  You might be surprised to find how much help is available.  I'd encourage you to reach out for support.   

There are a couple of links on the site here that are helpful too.  The first is a threat assessment tool and the other is around safety planning.  I hope these may be helpful to you.  Please take care of yourself and consider contacting the police again.  Their job is to protect you so you have a right to expect that from them.

Love and light x

Here are the links for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf
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satahal
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« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2017, 04:18:12 PM »

Thanks for encouraging me - it's good to know you've gotten the support you needed.

I'm going to take your advice and try again. When I get back to town I'll try reaching out to some other county and city services and I'll call the police again.

I did the risk assessment and it wasn't encouraging.

I think I'm just coming out of my denial now after a year of this nonsense.

Thanks again for encouraging me.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2017, 05:11:05 PM »

I'm just glad that you're ready to take care of yourself.  It's a positive step and we all have to reach that point in our own time.  I know all too well after minimising things during the relationship.  Do please let us know how you are doing.  I'll be thinking about you. 

Good luck getting a better response from the police this time - I'm hopeful this will be the case.  I had to have police involvement on several occasions and some officers were better than others but at least I had everything on record and overall the majority were fantastic, so I'd always encourage others to contact them if they feel unsafe.

Look after yourself.

Love and lightx
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We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
HelenaHandbasket
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« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2017, 05:21:00 PM »

Bless your heart, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Shame on the police for treating you badly.  I agree with the other poster that you can't let that stop you, though. 

With stalking cases, it's all about evidence. So do everything you can to document his behavior for the police. Save texts and voicemails, especially ones with direct or veiled threats. If you can possibly afford to, get a security camera for your and your boyfriend's property. That way, the next time he vandalizes something, you will have video proof.  How is your home security? An alarm system might bring some peace of mind.

Stay safe!
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satahal
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« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2017, 06:00:07 PM »

Hi,

I do have home security. After the first few incidents I installed video surveillance and made him aware of it so he would stop. In hindsight, I should not have told him and he'd have been caught already. He seems to have figured out the blind spots in the video coverage and used that to continue to vandalize. My bf installed video surveillance at his place yesterday, which my ex isn't aware of and may or may not notice, so perhaps when he goes to his house he will be caught on camera.

I'm going to add a few more cameras when I return from my trip so that I can cover absolutely everywhere. I also need to beef up my wifi - this is an expensive undertaking in so many ways.

I think I located a nice rental that isn't too terribly expensive. I'll have to wait until I get back home to check it out.

He makes of a point of not threatening in any medium. In fact the day before his latest vandalism, he sent me an unprompted email saying he had no desire to get back together and wasn't responsible for any of the vandalism etc etc - then, within a day he caused 3k of damage to my bf's car.

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lovenature
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« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2017, 04:55:28 PM »

Excerpt
He has guns. He sent me a long email a week or so ago proclaiming he had no interest in getting back together. He cited messages from me in which I stated I was worried about his health, saying he would use these should there be any "legal" issues - not sure what prompted that but a few days later he caused 3k in damages to my bf's car.

He does whatever he does based on the reality he has made up from whatever his current emotion of the moment is; feelings=facts to a PWBPD.
I went through stalking and vandalism too, it all stopped after I maintained 100% NC for long enough.

Excerpt
I am so scared I want to move. I was thinking I could rent a home or apartment and hide out there for six months in the hope this helps. Any thoughts?

You could think about moving somewhere else permanently if that was best overall for you. Can you take care of your current place while living elsewhere and avoid him altogether?
My ex. lives across the street from me, there are reasons I haven't moved, I found that no matter what she said or did, not responding in any way stopped her attempts at communication; ANY attention you give a PWBPD shows them an attachment is still in place and they won't stop trying to keep that attachment.

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jambley
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« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2017, 05:25:02 PM »

Hi Satahal,

Unfortunately they use these bullying and intimidation tactics, I have had first hand experience of this. HQ is correct, some police officers are better than others but the most important thing is to protect yourself.
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Lost-love-mind
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WWW
« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2017, 05:19:14 PM »

Wow. Unsure where you live but I was accused of stalking my exBPD for leaving gifts on her front porch for our July 4th date that was planned before the breakup. I sent her cards via mail after she blocked me.
When I made my last attempt at going to her house and leaving one last gift (ppo was already issued but I was not yet served)the police were at my house when I got home.
The police here take it seriously and said the didn't arrest me because I planted an American flag in her garden and wasn't peeking in Windows or other threatening behavior. Cop was a veteran and divorced a BPD woman. He gave me the referral to this board which took me weeks to start posting.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this with your ex. Hearing your pain, and my therapy, has helped me stay away and not bother the woman I loved with a mental illness that I never understood until she demonized me.
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satahal
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« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2017, 08:06:45 PM »

Thanks to everyone for responding. I've been out of the country without my laptop so haven't been able to respond.

So been back for a few days and all quiet so far. I'm waiting to sign a lease on the apartment I found.

I blocked him on my son's phone - as he was using him to get information about my whereabouts. So, no contact is in effect and has been now for some weeks - maybe a month or so.

My boyfriend and I have decided it's safer for us to stop seeing each other. I'm hoping not seeing my bf's car in front of my house will take him out of my exes radar. The more I think about the situation I think it's more likely he will hurt him than me. That's more in keeping with how I've known him to think.

I did a risk assessment recommended by the moderator and I scored at the highest range for increased stalking and potential violence and homicide.

I cry a lot. I'm leaving my home. I'm leaving my son in someone's else car, with the exception of driving him places. I've let go of a new relationship with a kind man. I've started telling people I love them, giving things away - it sounds so crazy but I feel like there's a good chance something will happen to me and I am putting my affairs in order. Ultimately, I can't control another person. I can't totally disappear because I have a disabled young adult child. I can find people to stay with him but he needs a lot of chauffeuring around and I have no one else who can do that.

Thank you all for the advice and insights. I will keep you posted.
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