Toxic Anger & Rumination

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey all, I've spent some time away from the boards and life has been good. New job that I really like, finished up grad school, and am considering moving to a new city in the next couple of years to see what else is out there. I'd say that on the whole, things are good.

I have noticed, however, over the past several months I have found myself getting caught in a pattern of toxic ruminating and anger. I generally don't lash out at people and know how to manage these feelings, but a part of me feels like these thoughts are starting to get out of hand if I don't have an honest conversation with myself about them.

I remember when I first came to these boards I noticed a lot of anger that I didn't understand. When me and BPDex split I didn't experience that. Rather, it was quite the opposite. She was really high up on the pedestal and I had nothing to go by to get her down from it. About a year ago I found out that she had been cheating and lying to me about it well past the point of the breakup, and I found all of that anger that I hadn't been able to access before. It did not feel good to be angry at someone that I cared deeply for, so things got complicated inside of my head. I wanted to hate her, and I genuinely did at moments, but I think that that desire to be angry has continued on in lieu of real, instinctual anger that all of us feel when grieving a loss.

In other words, I feel like I'm generating hatred and toxic ruminating because I am used to it, not because it serves me any real purpose anymore. I want to ground myself again. When I am grounded I am happy.

Any thoughts, similar experiences, or advice would be massively appreciated. I think I'm in a position where I really need to discuss this or it'll be very difficult to resolve. Thanks!

[valet]

Hey all, I've spent some time away from the boards and life has been good. New job that I really like, finished up grad school, and am considering moving to a new city in the next couple of years to see what else is out there. I'd say that on the whole, things are good.

I have noticed, however, over the past several months I have found myself getting caught in a pattern of toxic ruminating and anger. I generally don't lash out at people and know how to manage these feelings, but a part of me feels like these thoughts are starting to get out of hand if I don't have an honest conversation with myself about them.

I remember when I first came to these boards I noticed a lot of anger that I didn't understand. When me and BPDex split I didn't experience that. Rather, it was quite the opposite. She was really high up on the pedestal and I had nothing to go by to get her down from it. About a year ago I found out that she had been cheating and lying to me about it well past the point of the breakup, and I found all of that anger that I hadn't been able to access before. It did not feel good to be angry at someone that I cared deeply for, so things got complicated inside of my head. I wanted to hate her, and I genuinely did at moments, but I think that that desire to be angry has continued on in lieu of real, instinctual anger that all of us feel when grieving a loss.

In other words, I feel like I'm generating hatred and toxic ruminating because I am used to it, not because it serves me any real purpose anymore. I want to ground myself again. When I am grounded I am happy.

Any thoughts, similar experiences, or advice would be massively appreciated. I think I'm in a position where I really need to discuss this or it'll be very difficult to resolve. Thanks!

[roberto516]

Easier said than done I know . But whenever I ruminate I focus on the feeling itself, in your case it's the anger. Then I bring it back. For me, a part of me was angry at her for what happened. Deep down, I was angry at myself for falling for it, loving so much, doing things I regret etc.

When I get there I have some control back. I can focus on and feel anger I have at myself. And I can welcome that anger in for a cup of coffee to chat. (Maybe crazy but I visualize the word "anger" come into my living room, sit on the couch, and we have a conversation. But that conversation is always about me and the anger. Not about her. It can start that way which is when I have to do this.

Hope some f this helped. It can take practice and a lot of introspection to find the root cause of the anger. BUT it's worth it.

[valet]

Ah, I don't think that I was clear enough in my initial post.

This doesn't feel like anger in the traditional sense. It's more like a pervasive series of negative thought patterns about my BPDex that knocks my focus away from relevant things, like me enjoying my life and leaving the past in its place.

It's not that white knuckle, 'I am enraged' type of feeling. I think that I am mainly just thinking about the wrong things at this point, and I wanted to bring some sort of reflective self-awareness to that, because I never really talk about it and think that if I keep it up I'm going to be way worse off.

To summarize: past the anger, not past the thoughts that coincide with the bodily sensations of it. They got stuck in my head at some point and I want them gone.

Does that make sense?

[roberto516]

It makes sense. Perhaps a therapist. Or you can just share one of those thought patterns here and see what other people think or how they can assist you with processing that? You mention the thoughts but not the details or specifics. So type away here. 

[Emotions]

Roberto what you wrote reminds me of the Billie holiday song good morning heartache... .she actually says good morning heartache sit down... .likeminviting it in for coffee... .as far as the original post, I don't have much to note except that do as much as you can to NOT think about her, and what I have done is exercise my butt off until I can't think of being around my ex... .or when I think of her I think of all the things I would miss out on if she was around... .don't get me wrong I would trade all of my now blessings for another shot at our love, but I also know which is better for me... .the things we do and used to do for love huh? Good luck and I hope you start to feel and think positivity for you... .

[valet]

I think you're right. I've been beginning the process of looking for therapists once again, but things have been a bit crazy at work and it's fallen low on my list of priorities. I need to refocus a bit.

As far as giving you guys an example of the thoughts, nothing comes to mind at the moment. They just feel negative, like I haven't processed something that I need to. It's kind of like this: I'll have a tiring day, or I'll wake up feeling a bit off, and I can't seem to get past it. Then ideas come rolling in, like if I hadn't been around my ex, I would be fine right now. My head will retroactively find ways to blame her for things that she's not to blame for. I never used to do this, but after I found out about the lying I got really cynical and started to resent her. Strangely enough, sometimes it almost seems like I'm worse off now than I was 6 months after the breakup, and that happened almost 3 years ago.

I've lost my footing so to speak, and let those thoughts fester without putting some boundaries in place around them. I think that I let them run so wild because I felt entitled to that anger. It justified going NC once and for all in a lot of ways. I don't think that I would have cut her off without those revelations.

But it should not be about who did what. I'd already learned time and time again that the relationship I had with her was toxic and not beneficial to my personal growth. I just wanted to be angry first, so that abandoning it felt 'real', and not like some cold-hearted analytical move that I wouldn't be able to grieve in a normal sense, meaning how I have experienced healthy grieving in the past.

[Emotions]

Do you still see her? This might been contrary to popular belief, but I'm not sure you needed to process actual anger to move forward with your life being positive... .it depends on how much she took advantage of you... .I am hurt that mine picked someone else, but EVERYTIME I start to think about her, I literally count my blessings or give thanks to the opportunities I have now that she is not around... .I'm not putting a judgement on which is "better" but just adapting to what my life is now and accepting my situation as a positive one... .But my suggestion is let the BS blow in the breeze and work out physically until you are proud of yourself enough to say fugazi about the negative ruminations... .but I'm not trying to minimize what your going through just trying to give my two cents... .I'm sure I'm gonna have to deal with similar feelings sometime down the road and I'll probably be asking for your advice then... .hope you manage to get through it buddy, I'm here if you wanna vent

[valet]

Do you still see her? This might been contrary to popular belief, but I'm not sure you needed to process actual anger to move forward with your life being positive... .it depends on how much she took advantage of you... .I am hurt that mine picked someone else, but EVERYTIME I start to think about her, I literally count my blessings or give thanks to the opportunities I have now that she is not around... .I'm not putting a judgement on which is "better" but just adapting to what my life is now and accepting my situation as a positive one... .But my suggestion is let the BS blow in the breeze and work out physically until you are proud of yourself enough to say fugazi about the negative ruminations... .but I'm not trying to minimize what your going through just trying to give my two cents... .I'm sure I'm gonna have to deal with similar feelings sometime down the road and I'll probably be asking for your advice then... .hope you manage to get through it buddy, I'm here if you wanna vent

No, I have been NC for a little over a year now.

I appreciate what you have to say about anger not being a necessary phase. I generally operate with a clear head and evaluate things on a case by case basis. Anger has always seemed surreal and unnatural to me and I think this is what made me actually want to be angry. It seemed more 'human' to be angry, since in the past (and present) I've seen so much anger directed towards perpetrators of abuse.

What I failed to remember is that this anger isn't necessarily a good thing, and that if it isn't viewed rationally after reflection it can lead to cyclical thought patterns that can rip us into shreds. There was a long period where I wasn't reflecting, more just worrying about myself and when the post-traumatic anxiety would go away. In other words, I stopped doing the work.

For me this isn't about attacking a hobby and trying to forget about what I went through. I am well beyond that and don't feel attached to my ex in a yearning sense. In fact, I rarely if ever get that seething feeling anymore. It was/is the artificial thoughts that attempted to provoke those emotions that I got wound up in. If I had to describe how I feel about that relationship right now it would be like a deflated balloon. It's not coming back and I don't want it to.

I think that I'm getting back on track now, after popping back in here. In my time away it looks like some of my own personal issues were exposed (maybe some things that I hadn't fully processed yet), and it's time to address the scraps that remained after the initial fallout.