Confused about reconnecting

[townhouse]

I haven't written anything on here for quite sometime. Thankfully my husbands therapy and complete abstaining from alcohol has worked wonders for our relationship. However, this board is about relationship with a son or daughter that has BPD and it is about my uBPD stepdaughter (age 42) that I now wish to write.

Her background is a history of severe depression episodes, attempted suicide when young, stabilised now with good employment and salary... .although she constantly has had times of intending to leave her work due to something someone has said. She doesn't get along with women colleagues and relates well to men as friends, though she has never had a stable romantic relationship that has lasted more than 2 years.

2 years ago she started non contact with her father mainly because of his treatment of me and his excessive drinking... Over the 16 plus years I have known her I have seen her start a period of non contact with many people for slights done or seen to be done to her. 

I had always been painted white , embarrassingly so with large bouquets of flowers arriving for my birthday with declarations of how 'brilliant'  I was. I however, have always felt as though I am walking on eggshells with her, always wondering if 'this' would be the time I had done or said something to upset her. I have treated her like a loved daughter and my own sons treated her like a sister. Finally I was painted black and haven't been spoken to for 18 months after her father and I married. Also my sons were defriended on FB much to their complete bewilderment. They are in their 30's and 40's.

About 2 months ago she sent me an email asking if we could meet. I agreed and made arrangements that would suit her but she didn't show up. Now she has emailed again asking for my details as to where and when I would be available... .I replied and she has stated that she 'might' meet me later this month. The word might jumps out and to me means if I validate enough about how wonderful it would be to see her, don't mention anything about her non contact, conveniently exclude her father... .then she might consider to see me.

I realise I sound harsh and I do believe BPD to be a mental illness that is to be dealt with emphatically but! ... .it is just so nice to have a relatively normal stable life after the years of craziness that accompanied my previous years with my husbands' BPD.

I realise, no one can tell me what I should do and do appreciate being able to write on this site enabling me to get my thoughts in order. Should I ignore her efforts to get in touch. Or accept her back into my life mainly for my husbands sake as I think that it is through me they will reconnect.  If I reconnect it will mean putting aside my own thoughts and abiding by all the lessons I have learnt here, to enter into a relationship with her again, with all the anxiety that brings eg. Walking on Eggshells. Her father, my husband, has made many attempts to apologise to her for his past behaviour, tells her he loves her and and would love to see her again... .all ignored.

Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Townhouse:

I have read your post a couple of times.  Great to read that your husband went into therapy and your marriage is better because of it.

Your step-daughter?  Well, sounds like it has been a real roller-coaster ride dealing with her and continues to be so.  Sadly she suffers from mental illness... .but she has the ability to make choices... .and bad ones are not acceptable.

First of all, I think both you and your husband have to stand as one when working on any kind of a reconciliation with her; otherwise it is like "divide-and-conquer."  You are a unit.

Secondly, she reached out then turned out to be a no-show... .then reached out again using the word "might"... .?  At that point I would be finished.  She is toying with you and in any future communication you have with her, you have to make that clear.

I understand fully when you write about experiencing a "relatively normal stable life after years of craziness"... .and taking comfort in that feeling.  After 40 years of riding a similar roller coaster with our daughter... .reading/trying everything we could over those years to have a stable relationship with her, we are now the ones who have backed away.  There is no guilt on our part.

Mind you, the door is not closed to our daughter.  Our stipulation is that when we next meet/talk, it will be in a counsellor's office for group counselling.  She insists that will never happen.  Hmmmm?  So-be-it!  A change has to happen... .and it has to start with us.

I so wish you well, Townhouse.  You and your husband have had your work cut out for you as you melded together 2 families and then you helped him through his successful journey in therapy.  What a race you've run!  Keep soaking up the glory in those accomplishments and keep life good by having it continue... .on your terms.

[townhouse]

Thank you so much Huat for your very insightful reply to my original post. I actually feel validated and that you 'get' where I am coming from. It is so easy as a partner, parent or friend of people with this illness to fall into a guilt trap and question ourselves and our own thinking.

It was quite a relief to hear you say that when the 'might' word came up that you would be done, and that she is toying with me. That is how I feel yet I am conflicted between remaining non contact and my mothering instinct to restore the family.

Totally agree that husband and I need to be on the same page and we are. In any correspondence with her I purposely use the 'we' pronoun where possible . Like yourself, keeping the door open is one of my thoughts also, but as you say, according to my terms not hers. Hopefully one day it will get better between your daughter and yourselves. 

I am drafting a very short reply to her along the lines of just

" Good, hope you do".

I think that sounds positive but not needy, while putting it back onto her. Anyway, it's not until the end of the month until we will be back in town, so I will update this forum as to how it all goes.

That my husband is now in a very good space from a terrible one for years, is the subject for another board to which I will give thought to writing. Our story may give some hope to those who are despairing that things can ever improve.

[incadove]

"Good, hope you do' sounds perfect to me.  I always reply promptly to everyone in the family, because I want my dd to understand that is a principle one should always go by.  Treat everyone with respect, but closeness and warmth is earned.

One thought that might take out the sting a bit - if she has had a lot of bumps and bruises 'might' could be her way of making sure she is not promising something she thinks she may break.  One of my dd's explained to me that people overwhelm her and it is difficult for her to meet sometimes.  She often says 'might' or 'idk' to me and I simply take it at face value, that she might want to do something in the future or she might not.  In that case I don't make an arrangement.

So not expecting too much, being polite and positive at all times because that is how we want to be, and allowing your stepdaughter to take the lead in making arrangements sounds to me like its likely to result in a positive outcome (either not seeing her, or her arranging it in a responsible way)

I think it is very kind of you to still be there for her after her actions, at a level and in a way that is comfortable for you.  Also if there is anything you need help with, perhaps she will want to help you, which allows her to feel better and may make you feel better about it as well.  Concrete things are very helpful in this regard, I think.

[townhouse]

Sorry for not responding to your previous reply incadove, I appreciate your thoughts.

So it has been a month since I first wrote on here and I would now like to update you on what the result has been.

In a word nothing. She hasn't been in contact again.

I replied to her "might" email with " Good, hope you do". Then right at the end of the month when we were due to be in town last weekend, I sent a friendly message saying we were back and staying for a few days. I didn't go into " looking forward to seeing you and hearing what you've been up to etc " because deep down I knew she wasn't going to get in touch. Of course on one hand I am mad at myself that I wasn't more conciliatory towards her and encourage her... .on the other hand... .I just can't be bothered playing these games anymore.

My husband and I have discussed together that she will eventually come around to seeing us again and so we will wait until she decides to do so. We both sent loving messages to her last Christmas and will do so again this year. Perhaps she will respond... .or not.

[incadove]

No worries Townhouse - I wasn't expecting you to reply, I think of forums as sort of a place where people come and go.  (Unlike my dd's, where a lack of reply hurts!  But that's different.) 

I hope that you are at peace and comfortable with your decision and I hope your stepdaughter comes to a place where she can consistently show value for her relationship with you. 

Thanks for the update!

[townhouse]

I have resurrected this post to add to it as I had mentioned that I would try getting in touch with my step daughter again at Christmas.

Before Christmas, I text her telling her we would be in the city near her over Christmas and would love to see her. No response.

I again text her on Christmas Day. No response.

I again text her on New Years Day and Yes she responded... .she said Thanks Townhouse, Happy New Year to you too. Wow... .Contact.

My husband had emailed her over the holidays as well but had no response.

So, my plan now is to wait a couple of weeks, then text her suggesting we meet for coffee near where she works. It seems she still doesn't want to see her father and she knows if she comes to our place, he will be there. I am thinking that if she will meet with me solely, I can hope to resume cordial relations with her and perhaps encourage her to eventually see her father again.

Here we go again. Wish me luck.

[incadove]

Good luck!  I hope you have a positive experience, even if she doesn't reply about coffee maybe there is some other kind of question that she will be ok replying to, like if she is doing ok or if she would like some small thing.  Or just something funny, like 'happy friday!'.  But I hope you get to see her!

Thanks for the update!

[townhouse]

And back again.
Wow, finally met up with step daughter after her non contact with us of 2 years for me 2 and half years for her father (my husband).

As my previous experience of a person with BPD has been a male (again my husband) I have sometimes read about BPD women on these forums and do feel pain for their husbands/partners. Yesterday I experienced BPD disregulation from a female for the first time. The negativity is hard to take.

There were lies, petty arguments, exaggerations, accusations thrown at us... .she agreed to see her father as well. I have learned enough on here not to JADE so tried to validate even when she made accusations towards me that were wrong ( "Yes I can understand how you might feel that way" and I was told. "You know townhouse, I really thought more of you, you should have left him. He doesn't love you, he's conning you and is only with you because you've got money. " It's very hard to hear this, particularly because of my experience with my husband over the previous few years until he stopped drinking and went to therapy.

It was said more to hurt her father, and she went on about how selfish he was that he had left her mother and the 2 'children' (she was 19 and her sister 17) 27 years ago. (I have been with him going on 20 years.) She has been living with her mother who has never remarried, never worked and my step daughter has absorbed all, shall we say, the mothers side of things... .I say this with just a hint of sarcasm.

Her Dad and I tried to say that although it was unpleasant to hear these things it was good that we were 'talking' again and hoped she would continue contact. He tried to tell her he loves her and was deeply sorry for the way he'd hurt everyone (emotionally) in the past. (When drinking)

I have never seen a more bitter, literally screwed up woman. Her face is twisting when she speaks out of the side of her mouth. Anyone can see she is in so much emotional pain, but she just lashes out that everything is everyone else's fault... .not just us, cousins, relatives, sister but surprisingly not her Mum... .well not surprising I suppose.

My husband has emailed her suggesting another meeting with just the two of them. This would be great if it happens.

I am quietly digesting all that was said and it is sticking in my throat a little. At the moment I don't feel I have anything to say to my step daughter. I feel her attitude towards me is so tarnished by the negativity she feels towards her Dad.  She wants me to leave him... .she said "throw him out" "see how he likes it". She has never had a long term partner so has not experienced the commitment necessary in a long term relationship or marriage. Nor has she seen how happy we have been during this last 2 and half years since my husband's BPD traits have lessened so much.

Thank you all for reading/listening. It does really help to write it all down and any comments you may have are of course most welcome.

[wendydarling]

Welcome back again townhouse    great to hear from you   

Wow, after two/and a half years of no contact for you and H, I'm taking this in slowly, reading your every word. And yes it does really help us to write it all down, reflect. You've shown your SD patience, you are open - there for her.

Townhouse, you've turned your marriage round and you have accomplished a meeting with your SD and H. I'm sorry the meeting was so very difficult for you. Sounds like your SD may have stored up all her emotions and whoosh you both got it head on. I hope your SD accepts your H's offer to meet, has he heard back?

Are you feeling any better, clearer now, has the dust settled?

WDx

[townhouse]

Thanks for replying Wendy, your experience no doubt tells you that I was looking forward to some feedback and I appreciate it. Like a lot of us with partners, parents or children with BPD, I get pangs of guilt 'I shouldn't have said this' or 'I should have validated that' so your words Wendy were very comforting.

We haven't heard a word back from my husbands email offer to visit her. We do live a good distance away from where she lives, and won't be back near there for a couple of weeks. My husband intends to ring her then and offer to go and see her. We didn't know previously to the other night that she has moved out from her mothers house and has a place of her own which will make being able to see her much easier if she agrees.

 I won't go this next time. It really is those two who need to recover their relationship. She has shown that her feelings against me are because I am still with her father so I  guess our relationship would improve if she could once again see something positive about a relationship with between her and her father.

I'm trying to remain positive and not slip into negative thoughts about her future with us but at this point it is not looking good.

I will write when there is contact again with my sad step daughter.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Thanks for replying Wendy, your experience no doubt tells you that I was looking forward to some feedback and I appreciate it. Like a lot of us with partners, parents or children with BPD, I get pangs of guilt 'I shouldn't have said this' or 'I should have validated that' so your words Wendy were very comforting.

We haven't heard a word back from my husbands email offer to visit her. We do live a good distance away from where she lives, and won't be back near there for a couple of weeks. My husband intends to ring her then and offer to go and see her. We didn't know previously to the other night that she has moved out from her mothers house and has a place of her own which will make being able to see her much easier if she agrees.

 I won't go this next time. It really is those two who need to recover their relationship. She has shown that her feelings against me are because I am still with her father so I  guess our relationship would improve if she could once again see something positive about a relationship with between her and her father.

I'm trying to remain positive and not slip into negative thoughts about her future with us but at this point it is not looking good.

I will write when there is contact again with my sad step daughter.

Thanks townhouse, oh those pangs of guilt ebb and flow and you'll read in the lessons here we are doing the best we can and you are and so is your husband, the changes he has made are a great example to your SD and I hope your SD in time comes to recognise and accept he's moved on. Interesting to hear your SD has moved out from her mothers and chose this time to reconnect! I see that as a significant step forwards in many ways.

You doing great townhouse, catch you soon.

WDx