At the end of my tether and feeling the need to go.

[Newlight]

I think my partner (of 8years) has BPD since I can now relate to many of the traits and experiences that characterize the illness. After many arguments due to alcohol-infused outbursts he's cut back on drinking. However, he recently started smoking weed (claiming it's now legal and helps him "cope" and sleep). This to me, is just as a parallel vice for underlying addictive behavior.
While I'm finally understanding how to set boundaries and minimize being caught in the continuous cycle of arguments/blame, I'm feeling drained. My feelings of love and hope have given way to resentment, disappointment and anxiety. This comes after years of struggling to hang on to a constant "love-hate-remorse" roller coaster. I feel like I've sacrificed so much in favor of securing a peaceful life. I no longer feel the emotional support, intimacy and love we once shared and I'm not feeling hopeful these can reverse.
It's taken me a long time to acknowledge the cycle of BPD and that I can't "change" him. He does not acknowledge or accept responsibility for his actions/words and so, is unlikely to consider joint counselling of any kind.
After recognizing that I've lost so much of "me", I spent the past year doing a lot of self development (health, spiritual, work) and taking a more objective view of my role. He realizes that I'm not as 'reactive' to his behavior, but like many BPDs he continues to test the boundaries. He claims he's going to stop smoking, but what's to prevent him picking another vice? It's hard to turn my back on 8 years, but I'm in that trap of fearing for his well-being while wanting to let go of the drama. His family downplays everything and I don't have confidence in his coping skills.
I'm already breathing a sigh of relief after reading just a few posts here and hope, with more guidance and support, that I too will reach to a better place.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Newlight and Welcome! 

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you've been experiencing with your partner and am so very glad that you found this site.  The community here are very supportive of one another and many are in similar situations and can relate to your feelings. 

You will also find a great deal of helpful information in the articles, lessons and tools, so do take a good look around.  The basic tools for this board are here  if you've not already had a read.  They give you a good basis upon which to start to make further improvements and may contain some gems you've not discovered in your other learning to date.  I hope so.  You'll find the experiences of others will help you to feel less alone in the situation, which was extremely uplifting for me when I first arrived, so keep reading and posting.  Your own story will help others too.

8 years is a long time to struggle with the behaviours you describe so firstly recognise your own resilience and strength.  That love-hate-remorse rollercoaster you refer to really is very challenging emotionally and can take it's toll on the strongest of people.  It is understandable to be feeling as you do after such a long and difficult r/s.  Are there any children involved?

I'm so pleased to hear that you recognised the impact on yourself and took positive steps to benefit your own well being and ability to cope.  This can be very difficult to do when you are involved in a demanding and all consuming partnership with a loved one.  I have great respect for you for focusing on yourself as you have.

You mention that your partner is unlikely to consider joint counselling.  How about seeking help for himself to cope with his own struggles with his emotions and to strengthen your r/s?  Would that be something you think he would immediately reject?  A person has to be willing to seek help of course, otherwise it is not likely to be very productive.  You know him best.

What would you ideally like to happen from this point for yourself and your partner?  We will be here to support you.

Love and light x

[Newlight]

Thanks for 'hearing' me, I'm very glad I found this website and will continue to explore it.
Neither of us has children. I'm relieved this isn't a complication, but maybe I would've acted sooner.
One thing I'm sure about wanting right now is that I don't want to feel like this anymore. Also to be clear in finding out what it is I really want for me. There's a familiarity that comes with staying in a relationship for this long. It's easy to gloss over the bad memories and over-emphasize the good while time flies by.  I'm asking myself the difficult questions such as why have I stayed emotionally lazy for this long? When will I think I've had "enough"? What are my fears? With self reflection I'm definitely having a lot of 'Aha!' moments.

[amusement park]

I'm in a similar situation. Push pull, push pull. We are currently separated. I'm working with a counselor, active in my church and am taking care of myself. I'm doing things with friends that probably wouldn't have happened with her in the picture. I'm recognizing how much of me had disappeared while with her. I haven't given up totally yet, but I've learned boundaries and I'm sure she won't have anything to do with them. She always portrays herself as the victim. I've told her many times she isn't a victim at all and that she had a temper long before I came into the picture. I don't bring it out in her. I welcomed her with open arms many times before with the same conclusion. I won't play that game anymore.