He never shared his Dx with me.

[confused4now]

Thank You for sharing  , I am new to this community, but not to recovery or therapy! I found out last summer that my new husband was diagnosed years ago with BPD. He has never shared this with me. After 5 confusing, agonizing, sometimes wonderful years. I have come to the conclusion that this marriage can not last. We have done the break up dance so many times. I always initiate the break up that follows  the unbelievable pain brought on by his behavior. The LIES, He lies so much, I really do not know what he has or has not done. Anyway he is moving out today, I am so very sad, yet their is a part of me that feels relieved. It is so hard because I still feel love for him, mostly worry and sorry for him. I have never left a relationship that I felt  this  much empathy for. I am so conflicted, the behavior that has got me to this point is never really acknowledged, sometimes ,in  a very vague way with unfulfilled promises. I do not want to get drawn back in, I think by reading and therapy, I realize the problem that I have is STAYING involved when I KNOW that this is bad for me. This is my fear in the upcoming days, weeks, months. I truly want him to be okay, and I do not have the power to help him.The reason why this hurts so much... .Previously after I found out about some thing he did or lied about, I just raged and became so abusive. He took it and endured the torture until we both decide to go on. Now I have progressed just enough to let go of the anger and let sadness take the appropriate place. I hate this because rage feels more powerful. I am not use to grief and letting go, I am fighting all of my instincts  that want to make sure he is okay. I am really hurting, this is SCARY . I know this is over because I am processing ... .

Mod Note: Split from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=313472.

[Freeatlast_1]

Confused, It is very painful. I am in it, and sometimes the pain is debilitating. My ex and I had amazing times, but the bad were horrific. I never had anxiety before this relationship. Sometimes I felt this r/s will kill me eventually. The stress level is up the roof. I stayed because the bliss when she was vulnerable with me was amazing. She would do anything to make me happy, and I don't know if I'm ever going to get that again. BUT, when she's angry, cold, distant, it's like someone took my guts out. It's that extreme ups and downs. All I can suggest is feel the feelings as they come and let them out through crying, punching a pillow (if you're that type), yelling into a pillow or whatever release method that works for you. Masking with alcohol and drugs won't work, the emotions must be released. Once you release them, you will feel lighter and more accepting. You are not alone, there are people out there at every stage of this game. Some still in it, some out for years, some transitioning. You (and I) are getting over the shattering stage which is the hardest thing to do. If you are as determined as I am at having a fulfilling life, you will get it. My ex is a psychologist who went through DBT for her BPD, it didn't help. She still distorts majorly. It's scary how dysfunctional their psyche is, even one round of DBT didn't help... .the rage, the anger, the paranoia, the jealousy, the possessiveness, and most importantly, the lack of the ability to truly love and give without wanting anything back. The biggest mind f87k is that they tell you IF YOU ONLY DO XYZ, you will be loved unconditionally and they will give you everything. Then we try to do it, of course never enough... .and you get blame again. It's a loose loose sadistic game to me.

[confused4now]

Thank you Freeatlast He actually just left and with out much drama. I feel guilty because I manipulated him into believing that I would work on the relationship. I found out that he has been lying about going to work, and I am fairly positive that he is in some sort of affair. I confronted him about this 3 mos ago and he denied it and tried to say that I put all the apps and the contacts that have pictures of women on his phone. He erased the evidence and password protected all other accounts. This drove me crazy and has lead me to doubt my sanity. For an entire month it was like 'War of the Roses'. I got help and settled down, but needed him to leave a home we just bought with my money. I feel because I hate being dishonest, it has come to me doing behaviors that I thought I would never do to this person that I loved and married. I now feel like this entire relationship has been a facade that I willingly participated in, and now using techniques that I raged at him for doing. When did I become this person that I do not respect? Am I a BPD and not know it. We have recycled at least 15 times in 5 years... .  What is wrong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Freeatlast_1]

Confused, this is actually very common. There's nothing wrong with you. In fact this is classic. What has happened is that you have been put in such a bad situation that the worst part of you came out. Even my angelic labrador retriever would probably lash out at me if I did to him what a BPD patient would do to their partner.  And I have the most innocent yellow lab that would not bite a fly.  This is to tell you that everyone has their limits, we are human. We have feelings, rage and anger are also feelings that exist in us. In the right time and when pushed enough, they will come out.  And in my relationship, I have been extremely mellow and cool until she started raging and I reached a place where I have never been as well. I have said things to her is that I have never said  to anybody in my life. I regret them of course but she has truly pushed me in every single botton possible.  BPD individuals love to push your buttons and they do it until they get a reaction from you. I still am a firm believer in being yourself and not taking  crap. I have read on many posts that we are supposed to validate their emotions no matter what, walk out when they are raging, not take anything they say personal no matter what. I disagree with all of the above except for walking out, they did mean to hurt you  and they  are conscious of what they're doing. I'm not gonna allow someone to "tame me ". I'd rather be myself any day. I will still be the nice person that I am  until I am disrespected. I stood my grounds in that relationship, but I realize later that no matter how much I stood my ground she still caused drama. She still wanted to trigger all my buttons. She would say things that I despise, just to trigger me. Then she says that I'm paranoid because  she didn't mean to trigger me and that I don't give her credit. And I call that gaslighting. Then she says I'm overly sensitive, and then when I tell her what my issue is that she says I'm dramatic, and then when I avoid her and leave she called me avoidant and dismissive. It just never ends it's hilarious if you really analyze it.