Find the courage to move on and get your life back, you're worth it.

[spottydog]

It's over 2 years since my ex husband and I finally split up after an 18 year rollercoaster marriage. I have finally gained my old self back. My self confidence has been restored, the anxiety and depression have gone away and I finally feel happy and secure. Despite him leaving me in an enormous amount of debt and furthermore lying about his income to the CMS so he could pay as little as possible towards his own child's needs. I should have predicted that he would go back on every financial promise he made when we split.
Thanks to this website I talked to people and realised that our relationship wasn't normal or acceptable. I had stuck it out mainly due to my own abandonment issues and lack of extended family close by to support me. Leaving the marriage meant I would truly be alone with my two children.
However, just over two years on, I am kicking myself for staying in a hopeless relationship for such a long time.
Thankfully my children don't seem to have been affected, other than being mature beyond their years, which perhaps isn't such a bad thing. We are all in a much happier place now.
Financially it's extremely tough, but the relaxed environment we live in now far outweighs that.
All I will say is be prepared for a long fight when it comes to the break up and the divorce. Your spouse will make it as difficult for you as possible. It ended up costing me dearly in solicitors fees as he lied about absolutely everything. I had to go 'no contact' as we couldn't discuss anything in a civil manner due to his anger.
Thanks to this website, and a local 'meet up' group I found, I have managed to pull through, and finally get my life back.
There's hope for you all out there. But be prepared to weather the storm before the calm. Seriously it is so worth it.
 

[JaxDK]

Thanks you spottydog It's nice to see somebody like yourself, getting on the brighter side of such a relationship. It shows there's hope for us all. I'm happy for you.

I'm in the process of getting there myself and I still have a way to go. I can't go NC because of us having a son together so the process is slowed by that. Every time i see her is a small setback that can ruin my day.

I feel like I'm two people right now. There's the logical me, who wants her to be happy and regulated with my replacement for my sons sake. The guy who knows being with her would be a downward spiral of my mental health. The guy who can see the coercive manipulation tactics, and the one sides relationship.

Then there's the guy who wants her new relationship to fail and her to recycle me. The guy that's hurt she moved on so quickly and fell "in-love" with a new savior. The guy that misses the sex with this incredible sexy creature who was so giving in bed. The guy who wants to be part of a family again.


I'm making progress however so I should be thankful for that. I no longer read about how to get back with your ex but how to move on, so that's another good sign

[spottydog]

Hi JaxDK,
I'm glad you are heading in the right direction, don't ever stop and look back. I know it's difficult to go NC when there are children involved, thankfully mine are now teenagers/young adults, and are able to keep in touch with their dad without any need for me to have any involvement. So that does make things a lot easier.
Think positively. The parts of the relationship that you miss can be found with another partner. Just pick very carefully this time. Take it slowly, don't be swept off your feet. Real love takes time to grow. A new relationship will come along in time, in the meantime, enjoy being single. Take time to discover yourself, be a little bit selfish, do the things you want to do and enjoy life. Life is short, we are only on this earth for a certain amount of time, so be happy. Join groups, make friends, keep busy. But don't go back. These people are truly just emotional vampires. They will feed off you until you can't give any more and immediately move on to their next victim. I know it sounds harsh, but unfortunately it is true. You will be happy again, just give yourself some time to heal.

[JaxDK]

Hi JaxDK,
I'm glad you are heading in the right direction, don't ever stop and look back. I know it's difficult to go NC when there are children involved, thankfully mine are now teenagers/young adults, and are able to keep in touch with their dad without any need for me to have any involvement. So that does make things a lot easier.
Think positively. The parts of the relationship that you miss can be found with another partner. Just pick very carefully this time. Take it slowly, don't be swept off your feet. Real love takes time to grow. A new relationship will come along in time, in the meantime, enjoy being single. Take time to discover yourself, be a little bit selfish, do the things you want to do and enjoy life. Life is short, we are only on this earth for a certain amount of time, so be happy. Join groups, make friends, keep busy. But don't go back. These people are truly just emotional vampires. They will feed off you until you can't give any more and immediately move on to their next victim. I know it sounds harsh, but unfortunately it is true. You will be happy again, just give yourself some time to heal.

Thanks for your words spottydog, it helps

[Lucky Jim]

I have finally gained my old self back. My self confidence has been restored, the anxiety and depression have gone away and I finally feel happy and secure.

Hey spotty dog, So great to hear.  I concur.  I'm on the other side, too, after a 16-year ordeal of a marriage to a pwBPD.  Many people on this site fear the unknown, with reason, yet I've discovered that the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found.  I'm in a new r/s with a kind and caring woman who treats me well, which is a refreshing change after years of abuse from my BPDxW.  Sure, it was rough sledding for a while there, yet as you note it's worth it.  I don't miss the drama!

LuckyJim

[spottydog]

Hi LuckyJim,
Great to hear that you have found happiness and normality after everything you've been through. It is proof that there is hope for all those others out there struggling in their relationships. It is hard to break down the walls and trust a future partner after the break up, but it is definitely worth it. Time is a great healer, and I know, I for one, look back and wish I had got out a lot sooner. Best wishes for the future with your new partner. Glad you've come through the other side and finally reclaimed your life.

[heartandwhole]

Hi spottydog,

Thanks for sharing your successes with us. It's wonderful to hear that you have got your life back.

It is hard to break down the walls and trust a future partner after the break up, but it is definitely worth it.

Could you elaborate how you are navigating this? Have you met any people with whom you clicked romantically in your meetup groups or just going about your business? I think so many of us struggle with this.

heartandwhole