Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 08:08:25 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: My letter to her (I am afraid to send it)  (Read 398 times)
Imnolngeralive

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« on: August 18, 2017, 04:46:57 PM »

My Dearest... .
 You can't begin to know the pain I am in.  I've had broken bones before and that pain was excruciating.  The pain of this broken heart heart is a million times worst.  I would take the pain of breaking every bone in my body if I could have you back.  When I say have YOU back, I mean you,  not the monster that haunts my dreams and every waking moment of the day.  The beautiful woman who was my friend and told me she would get dizzy from my kiss.

I don't know how it came to this but you misunderstood my words and feelings for you.  If you didn't, there is no way you could have done the things you have done to me.  Do you know what it is like to be in a room full of people but feel like you are the only one there?  Do you know what it is like to wake up and for a split second feel normal until the first thought of the day is about you?  I feel a dark cloud over me when I walk outside.  You made me feel the most love I have ever felt for anyone in my life and now you make me feel the worst pain I ever felt.  How can I trust another woman if you could do this to me?  I can't believe I am still breathing.  You mocked my love for you when you said... .leave me alone, you said.  "I Love you, I can't live without and I'm dying without you" in a stupid kid voice as the reason you can't talk to me anymore.  When does someone get mad because someone loves them? 

I hope you are happy with your new bf.  I hope he can be everything you want.  For myself.  I choose to be alone for a while.  You started seeing him 6 days after you left me from our 7 year relationship.  What a slap in the face and a humiliating experience.  My mom still loves you and so do I.  She's mad that you recycled me 4 times over the last 2 months only to say you were leaving and staying with this new guy.  I just want to say goodbye even though you won't give me the chance.  You have destroyed me and there is no coming back from it this time.  I pray you get the help you need.  I will always love you.  I would send this to you but you said if I make any kind of contact, you will call the police on me.  So to avoid that.  I'll keep it to myself.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2017, 05:01:18 PM »

Hi Imnolngeralove,

I can tell that you're in a lot of pain from your letter and you felt deep l'y about her, 7 years is a long history. Why did you hesitate to send it? I'd rework s couple of lines if I was going to send it. Why did you want to send it? Did she give you closure?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Idsrvt2
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 281


« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2017, 05:41:12 PM »

If she threatened police and has any other things in writing from you that she can use against you to get a RO please think about sending it.

 I sent something that was very nice or so I thought and despite him wanting to go in peace he had a cop at my door and then in court wanted it all dropped after I got one on him... .I guess he thought differently once I stood up... .be cautious because mine had family behind him and one was a police officer guiding the way ... .they didn't think it thru and I found a loop hole to get his guns taken ... .my x was suicidal ...

I still want to reach out to my x and I actually have a valid reason as he's my mail man... .the thing is I tried once in person and he was very odd barely even spoke... .he either was  afraid or he deep hate as I could not tell. I e thought about sending mine a simple msg about the mail , but I just can't handle anything negative right now.   

If she is like my x ... he saw everything as harsh. and mean... so some of your words maybe taken that way by her as well.

I understand your pain... I could have written what you have . 
Logged
Imnolngeralive

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2017, 06:02:29 PM »

She never gave me closure.  I left her alone then she called me.  I told her I couldn't go through it again and she promised she was sincere.  I didn't want to believe her but she convinced me and then she just dropped me again. 
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2017, 06:34:46 PM »

She was in a r/s six days after you broke up, that sounds impulsive,  there's an age between the two, they may be in different stages in life, they might find that they don't share a lot of things in life, she was in a ltr with you, do you think that it will last? How long ago did she leave you?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Sargeras
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2017, 06:39:26 PM »

Hello Imnolngeralive,

I understand you're dealing with a tremendous amount of stress and pain. A seven year relationship isn't something you will move on from overnight. I completely understand why you're still dwelling on things, and your desire for contact.

But remember, during these difficult times, your ex is watching for signs of strength, and signs of weakness. Rest assured, they're watching.

She jumped into a new relationship 6 days after you split, which sounds to me like she's rebounding. You mentioned her having recycled you 4 times over the past few months. There is definitely a lot of potential for good interaction between you two.

If there's any shred of you that wants to send that letter, I implore you not to do it. She will take it badly. There are portions of the letter that make it sound like you're saying she went through some kind of metamorphosis and that she deserves to be ashamed of herself. You're portraying yourself as somebody who is dependent on her.

When you first got together with her, how did you go about courting her? Because I bet you didn't sound anything like you do in that letter. Did you get on your knees and say, "please, please, please I need just one date! Please if this doesn't happen I don't know what I'll do." When you first got together, did you twist her arm, blackmail her, bully her into going out with you? Of course not.

The fact is, you can no more force her to get back together with you than you could 7 years ago. Any form of begging, pleading, guilt-tripping, etc. is certain to have the opposite effect you want it to. It will just reinforce her decision to break away from you.

Suffice to say, she is still thinking about you. I guarantee she still has feelings for you. You need to beat your chest and prove to her you don't give a ___.

What's important here is that your ex THINKS you are moving on. It's important that she THINKS you have lost interest in chasing her. It is only through the creation of these notions in her mind that she will contact you.

There's nothing manipulative or wrong about you expressing your feelings, but the time and the place for it is certainly not now. The single most unattractive quality in a person who is seeking out a romantic partner or trying to retain one, is neediness. It's desperation. The single most attractive quality? The opposite. Independence. Your ex will notice that you have not talked to her in a while and her imagination will begin to fill in the blanks.

I tell you this, because even if you do feel that desperate, DO NOT give her the opportunity to see it. Keep your dignity!

For your own good, I highly recommend ceasing all contact with her immediately. Don't text, call, check her social media, make a pass by her house, anything. It will only serve to torture you.

There's a book I very much so recommend a book called "Love must be tough". This novel is by far the best and most inspirational piece of advice for a rocky/broken off relationship that I have ever read. The book revolves around salvaging a crumbling marriage, but the same applies to those who are not married. The man who writes it is a Christian and there's some religious quotes sprinkled through it, but the principles he emphasizes are absolute gold. The whole basis of the book is about reacquiring your ex and bettering yourself simultaneously.

You will be so happy you read this book.

Here's a link to the book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Be-Tough-Marriages/dp/141431745X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503099391&sr=8-1&keywords=love+must+be+tough

I hope this helped. Hang in there man. Remember, keep your dignity.




Logged
Imnolngeralive

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2017, 07:46:28 PM »

You are right.  I know I have to leave her alone but pride is a gift and a curse.  I will prove that I am strong and probably lose her forever in the process.  She has a funny way of turning things around on me to absolve herself of any blame.  She will say well you didn't call or text so that must mean you didn't care.  I will not contact her but I know that will be the nail in the coffin for us.  So I'm damned if I do or don't but at least I'll have my dignity. 
Logged
Sargeras
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2017, 10:41:29 PM »

If she has the desire to say things like "well since you didn't contact me then it means you didn't care" etc etc, she'll have contacted you, no? The longer she takes to not contact you after you drop off her radar, the better her poker face is. Just don't let her fool you into thinking that she doesn't care. Of course she does.

She thinks you will contact her soon. She EXPECTS you to be a sad mess. It is my strongest recommendation to prove her wrong in that capacity. If you stick to your guns and don't talk to her, her gears will begin to turn and she will have realized that you're strong.

I promise if you don't talk to her, she will wonder about you. You can be assured that she is undergoing an internal tug-of-war right now. Things are going to fizzle out with this new guy sooner rather than later. You were with her for 7 years. That's too your advantage. She started dating this guy 6 days after you broke up- he's her emotional dumping ground. She never gave herself any time to grieve. Don't communicate with her in any capacity so as to give her time to miss you.

If she calls or texts you, don't answer right away. Get back to her in an hour or two, or the next day if you feel like it.

Anytime you talk to her, don't talk to her about the relationship unless she brings it up first. Don't talk about anything negative. Just convey that you're happy and you're fine, even if you don't actually feel this way. Be calm and collected. No hostility whatsoever. She needs to believe you're recuperating and no longer phased by the breakup. You don't care that she broke up with you, ok?

Time heals all wounds, my friend. Even if you don't believe the two of you will communicate in the future, it's important that you don't reach out to her for your own good. You WILL feel good again. Time and patience will save you.

That book I linked you to earlier is SO important. I PROMISE you will be happy you read it. My mother swears by it and gave it to me a year ago when my relationship was falling apart, and now I swear by it. I've loaned it to a friend who now also swears by it. It will change your life and empower you.

If you do not decide to buy the book, that's cool. But I STRONGLY encourage you to google "chapter 3 love must be tough opening the caged door". It explains exactly how to manage a person like the one you are now. You will not get better advice.
Logged
planet

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2017, 10:30:27 AM »

keep the letter for yourself. read it 1000x if you need to.  the lack of closure is the worst. for me it has created a linger of hope in my heart, my head knows there is none.  keeping your dignity is the truth. so keep the letter on this site. thanks
Logged
Imnolngeralive

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2017, 01:26:33 PM »

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words.  They help bring perspective.  I am wrecked totally, I don't even feel like I'm on planet earth. I know I shouldn't even care about someone who can do the things she did/is continuing to do to me but I can't help it.  I feel like such a fool and I have been played.  I have other women that want to get involved with me but I don't want to do that right now.  Right now, I just ask for peace.  Funny she had the lowest self esteem and I encouraged her to believe in herself and made her feel good about herself at her lowest point.  Then she takes the confidence I helped build in her and discards me like a piece of garbage.  It makes me wonder.  My grandmother used to say to me "baby, you are not Jesus Christ.  You cannot save the world".  I help everybody and then they ___ on me when they are better.   I don't keep score but life is supposed to be fair.
Logged
Idsrvt2
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 281


« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2017, 11:05:50 PM »


I can relate to what you wrote here... .I help others too... .I was there for my x, I accepted things about him others don't as he identifies as transgender .   I felt played for a long time.  His own family didn't allow him to his brothers wesding, but there they were in court supporting his decision to get a RO on the one person that cared ... .
I've been struggling lately with sending my x something as well... .and that's about our business relationship so to speak as he's my mail man still... .
we did our very best for our xs... .they cut and ran ... and we still care about them.  That to me shows that we are some great people right here on this board.

I had about four months of counciling , but nothing prepared me for this period right now ... .I'm struggling just like you are.
Keep posting it helps

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words.  They help bring perspective.  I am wrecked totally, I don't even feel like I'm on planet earth. I know I shouldn't even care about someone who can do the things she did/is continuing to do to me but I can't help it.  I feel like such a fool and I have been played.  I have other women that want to get involved with me but I don't want to do that right now.  Right now, I just ask for peace.  Funny she had the lowest self esteem and I encouraged her to believe in herself and made her feel good about herself at her lowest point.  Then she takes the confidence I helped build in her and discards me like a piece of garbage.  It makes me wonder.  My grandmother used to say to me "baby, you are not Jesus Christ.  You cannot save the world".  I help everybody and then they ___ on me when they are better.   I don't keep score but life is supposed to be fair.
Logged
LoveLostHeart
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single, 4 months
Posts: 69



« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2017, 05:23:33 PM »

No good deeds go unpunished my friend.

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words.  They help bring perspective.  I am wrecked totally, I don't even feel like I'm on planet earth. I know I shouldn't even care about someone who can do the things she did/is continuing to do to me but I can't help it.  I feel like such a fool and I have been played.  I have other women that want to get involved with me but I don't want to do that right now.  Right now, I just ask for peace.  Funny she had the lowest self esteem and I encouraged her to believe in herself and made her feel good about herself at her lowest point.  Then she takes the confidence I helped build in her and discards me like a piece of garbage.  It makes me wonder.  My grandmother used to say to me "baby, you are not Jesus Christ.  You cannot save the world".  I help everybody and then they ___ on me when they are better.   I don't keep score but life is supposed to be fair.
Logged
damenlost

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 13


« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2017, 07:45:55 PM »

Hello Imnolngeralive

Your story is a mirror image of my own last seven years of my life. For me I was turned black early this past June and much like your own experience it was absolute HELL. Your choice of words that you felt like "garbage" is precisely how I described the way that I was feeling most of the summer- simply awful. And yes, I was replaced within a couple of weeks of me leaving our home although frankly in my case I would guarantee that my BPD had been seeing this person well before the epic meltdown that was the pretence of having the police called on me and my worldly possessions stuffed into garbage bags and left on the front porch.

Sure, I did all of the stupid stuff that we walking wounded NON's go through including confronting her one day (big mistake), driving by, stressing about my replacement and having the constant vision of them together play in my head over and over relentlessly.

This was until I listened to the kind people on this board- the same individuals who have provided you (and I) the most valuable information possible.

Stay as far away from her as humanly possible with complete NC.

Take it from me, it’s the beginning of September and I'm finally now just feeling that my position wasn’t completely hopeless. I loved her with every fibre of my being, she consumed me and I gave her everything of me and then some. I was delusional and likely close to a breakdown myself. There isn't a single person in my orbit that doesn't say to me "you should consider yourself lucky, a survivor" She did you a big favour, believe me it doesn't feel like it now and to you feels like you will never get past this but you will. Its obvious that you loved your woman as much as I did mine, but it simply isn't enough. There wasn’t any amount of attention that you could have showered upon her that would have made a difference.

I know- this is the biggest kick in the gut that you have and likely ever will feel! It certainly was for me.

You will slip, and should reach for help. I did and it saved me a couple of times. Its her birthday this weekend coming, I know it will be simply awful that day for me but I must not, WILL NOT contact her, no flowers no presents no texts NOTHING. I had to be talked out of doing so from people on this site with the same logic that many have replied to your post.

No woman one wants a needy, desperate man that continues to allow himself to be disrespected by their BPD as they take such delight in doing so.

There was time that I would have gone back in a heartbeat. I bet you're feeling this right now. But you will reach the point like I (just) have to come and realize that for all of the true bliss we each experienced, if you truly thought about your seven years as do I now you will know that it was a meat grinder that was inescapable, the abuse the emotional flares and raging, the being told just how worthless I was as a human being to her and on and on and on.

I will leave you with a couple of thoughts that was presented to me that I take solace in. The first being the notion that:

If you are willing to look at another person's behaviour towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.

And secondly.

Lastly, BPD is triggered by intimacy, the closer that you are to a pwBPD the more that the person acts out. If you weren't close to her, she wouldn't have split you black.

The second one really resonates with me- I couldn’t have possibly been any closer to her.

You will get through this.

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!