step-parent w/ BPD

[dfk]

My father asked me to reach out to my step-mother ahead of a risky surgery to wish her well and help her feel supported. She was diagnosed with BPD several years ago after what was I believe a second suicide attempt. She was in my life since I can remember, until a few years ago when I cut off communication with her. I would only get in touch now to support my dad and our slowly healing relationship status. He and I have been in touch again since he too has made some separations from her. Until recently, he restricted his communication with my sister and I, because it made my step-mother unhappy and he said that was difficult for him. It has been quiet for some time and I don't want to reach out because of what I expect would be a reopening of efforts at communication from her to me. Also, I don't actually want to reach out to her. I expect she would think it shallow anyway, but I don't know. Any insights from you all are welcome. Thanks.

[Turkish]

It sounds like he may be having trouble coping with his wife.  How do you feel about him reaching out?

[Mutt]

Hi dfk,



I'd like to reiterate what Turkish said, it sounds like your dad was walking on eggshells around your SM, it also sounds like he may be feeling guilt and that's the reason why he wants you to reach out to your SM. You stopped communication for a reason, probably to self protect, you're probably typing this here because you may feel bad because of your dad. How do you feel?

[livednlearned]

I don't actually want to reach out to her.

This seems very clear  

It is ok to move at your own pace. If the overture toward your stepmom is mainly about healing the relationship with your dad, would he be able to see it from your perspective (dialing down communication with his kids in order to protect himself)?

My family has complex triangles like this, with various people talking/not talking to each other. It is easier (I find) to understand the dynamic with the BPD person, but can be harder to puzzle out the dynamics with the non-BPD parent. The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents helped me understand better how to navigate these triangles and relationships.

The promise of emotional intimacy is so powerful, and when it doesn't materialize, no matter what bargain we make to try and secure it, pain can multiply because we feel somehow bamboozled.

It's ok to decide that you want a relationship with your dad on your terms. That book might help you figure out what's happening between you, and how you want to proceed.

[dfk]

I feel grateful for these responses. It’s the first time I’ve reached out to anyone outside my family and a couple of erstwhile therapists.

Turkish, how do I feel about him reaching out? To me or to her? Reaching out to me to ask this makes me think he is someone with a heart and is using what he has at his fingertips to point some good vibes in my step-mom’s direction.  It also makes me feel sad that I don’t think he’s ever quite got why I made the break; I couldn’t figure out how to ignore the toxicity and accept anything positive. He says we don’t get along because we both have strong personalities. This is also true, but I currently think it was just enough strength to get me out of there. Reaching out to her? He hasn’t made a full break. He moved out, though. I understand why he’s supporting her during a major health event.

Mutt, I do feel bad. I want to make my dad happy. I also want to do the right thing -- if there is a right thing. Should I reach out and support her? I would if I thought it was the right thing. It just doesn’t make sense as the right thing for me or for her. So, I guess it would be for my dad. But since he knows I may not reach out to her, I suppose I won’t.
Livednlearned, would he be able to see it from my perspective? He’s conscious he dialed back communication with us because of my step-mom. But he sees it more like she and my sister and I were in a fight and if he wanted to continue living with his wife he needed to pull back from us because she was unhappy with us. Could he see this new request from my perspective? I’m not sure. It doesn’t feel like he does. When in the past I’ve tried to share my experience, his takeaway is that we’re both at fault, though his wife he knows is “difficult.” And I know I share responsibility, but that’s not been enough reason to continue through what feels like a gauntlet. Thank you for the book suggestion. I’ll take a peek at it.

Again, I’m so thankful for this.

[livednlearned]

Would it help to draft a note here, something you might want to say to her (if you did)? 

Perhaps in the process of writing things down, you might see a path forward that fits with your values.

I find the tricky part of having a BPD family member is that almost always my values are in conflict somehow. I want what seem to be opposing things: empathy for another while wanting protection at the same time. It can feel like there are only two choices when usually there are more.

Often there is a middle way that friends here help me see. 

[dfk]

A middle way feels like madness. I have no love for her, save for that I have for everything living - and even that I'm not sure about. So, not sure I understand what any positive outcome could be.  I'm mostly writing here I think out of guilt for abandoning her and the resulting disintegration of my dad's relationship with her and that particular family unit.

[Notwendy]

Drk- is your father still married to her?

I found that my parents ( BPD mom) were a package deal. I am not emotionally bonded with my mother. Yes, she is my biological mother and I have maintained contact with her, but I felt more attached to my father. I would not be able to have a relationship with him if it didn't include her.

I recall one time in college when a counselor suggested I try NC with her. I did , but hard to do when she lives with my father. He basically reconciled us. Met me, put me in the car to go see her.

With a stepmother- you have some choices. One is that you were not raised with her and you seem to have a better sense of you and your boundaries than I did ( as many of us children with BPD mothers were raised to obey and walk on eggshells). Our family operated on the drama triangle with mother as victim and the rest of us alternating between rescuer or persecutor ( to mother- from her point of view) for the others in the family.

If your father is still married to her, then he is possibly enmeshed as mine was- co-dependent with her and is trying to make her feel better. Yes, he also has heart- and cares for her situation, but coercing you to do something for her doesn't have to be part of it.

Stay true to yourself. However, you know the risk of how this may influence your relationship with you. I am glad you are in contact with him. He may get angry with you, but he chose to be part of this drama. You don't have to. I get the feeling of not being genuine if you did. You can choose to do what you wish with this.