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Author Topic: Facebook. Again. Happy faces  (Read 415 times)
happendtome
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« on: August 22, 2017, 10:44:51 AM »

While im detaching here i have another story to tell and in some ways it helps me to detach a bit.
My friend told me about a couple who got married last year. They had been living together already years, but just got married last year.
Friend told me that they have serious issues going on in their relationship and that even police was involved recently. So there had been fights over and over after they got married.

But now, last week, this couple changed their profile picture to a picture where they are all hugs and smiles. Picture wasnt old. It was made from one event.

That was one of the best examples and proofs i have seen about how fake stories sometimes pictures can tell. Its hard to think that they got their long time problems solved so quickly. I even had to ask from my friend that are you sure they have troubles and friend said that yes they do.

I also remember that after i broke up i changed my profile or display picture more often than usually. Of course, instead of changing profile or display picture we may also update our timeline more frequently if we feel insecure. And i saw that best that i can do is to change my picture. I mean its silly if you think about it, but thats how i felt - insecure and that made me to change my pictures more often. 
I have no idea how my ex feels as she lives in "timeline" and changes her profile and display pictures very rarely. Her timeline is private and i dont have access on it.

But what i want to tell is that my activity rise on facebook was tied to feeling that i felt myself lost. I know that there are people who are always very active in facebook, but in their case, i think that their post "quality" changes when they feel anxious or they have other troubles in their life.

But happy faces - out from nowhere - it may mean troubles.
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JaxDK
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« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2017, 11:04:00 AM »

There's truth to that. Facebook is pure marketing of a perfect image of ones self. Nobody posts "Here we go again... another argument with the jerk"

My ex quickly moved on with the next guy and couldn't wait to post couples photos and updates on social events together. It seemed to me, as a desperate attempt to tell the world, I'm ok! See? We all know better. Happiness is a fleeting feeling with these people
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     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
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« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2017, 12:56:58 PM »

There's truth to that. Facebook is pure marketing of a perfect image of ones self. Nobody posts "Here we go again... another argument with the jerk"

im not sure about that  Smiling (click to insert in post). i only have about two hundred or so friends, and i wade through airing of dirty laundry, triangulating and jabs, exhibitionism, airing of mental issues, extreme opinions, and "woe is me" posts, on a daily basis.

But what i want to tell is that my activity rise on facebook was tied to feeling that i felt myself lost.

i dont think this is out of the ordinary. when we feel lost, we may feel prone to reach out, in one way or another. social media can be a tool to do so. i did the same thing - i no longer had to worry about my ex getting bothered by my social media activity, and it was a way of saying "hey world, im back".

i do think social media can tell us a lot about a person. i dont post much, but if you looked at mine youd know who my close friends are. youd know what my hobbies are. what movies ive seen and like. youd get a picture, but not a complete one. some folks are pretty vocal and opinionated and that gives you an impression too.

to the larger point, i think youre speaking to the fact that impressions (real life, or social media) can be misleading. we "dont know what goes on behind closed doors", for example. i dont know that because your friend was aware of problems in a relationship, that that means the couple was projecting some sort of faux-reality. generally people share things on social media when they are in the moment. again, its a picture, a snapshot, just not a complete one.

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
happendtome
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« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2017, 06:36:25 AM »

One week ago i happened to saw that my BPDex has changed her profile picture in facebook. She doesnt change her profile and display pictures very often. Maybe 1-2 times in one year. And now she has changed her profile pic to one that i took of her when we had good times together. That profile picture was also her profile pic when we were together and actually she changed that picture only few months before she got married.

I know it shouldnt be my problem, i know i shouldnt have checked her profile, but here i am now and wondering. She hasnt contacted me in any way already 9-10 months. She got married, she has moved far away. There is no way she could recycle me and now she put this picture to her profile. I have theories, if you could think any explanation or you have experienced something like this then i would like to hear your thoughts.

My theories are:

a) it was just a good picture. No big thoughts from her side. Just a good picture.

b) she wants me to know that she valued me. Like those song lyrics "i will always love you"

c) she wants me to think that she loved me and i didnt value enough her and i let it all end this way like it ended

d) she wants to make her new husband jealous. There are no thoughts that would contain me, just to tell her husband that there was a guy who was very good to her

e) she is pregnant or getting pregnant and she thinks if i would i find out that then that picture shows that she still so much loved/cared me

Anything else?

My replacement, if somebody doesnt know is total BPD/NPD. Pathological liar and criminal. I just recently found out that before they got married and my ex was away, he took her car and made a crash with a car, he was also drunk and of course he has no driver license. Police wasnt involved, but i dont want to go to details how it all got out. He has also lied to people that my ex-s kids are his kids. There are so many incredible things that i often have doubts that maybe my ex isnt BPD after all, but she has lost herself somehow and the guy is taking full advantage of her. My ex is high functioning and she has good job. So basically she can take care of him financially.

And now this picture, im not taking any actions, i wont contact her. I think it wouldnt give me anything, but instead of that it would only damage me.

But i wonder why did she changed that picture. She could have easily put some other picture. She, my replacement - they both take lots of pictures. My replacement, who is VERY active in facebook (what i dont see, but i know) shares featured photos were they are together. His profile pic is also where they are together. They dont lack pictures. Have you experienced anything like this?
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« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2017, 07:42:57 AM »

i lean toward A. if she wanted to send a message, changing her profile picture on social media doesnt convey much of anything.

the question i would ask is assuming it meant more than A, what would your next step be?

And now this picture, im not taking any actions, i wont contact her. I think it wouldnt give me anything, but instead of that it would only damage me.

one can never know for sure, but if this is the case, then abcd or e dont make a difference. all we can do is theorize.

are you wondering if you meant something/still mean something to her?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
happendtome
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« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2017, 11:15:07 AM »

If it would be anything else than a) then i still wouldnt contact her. Because it wouldnt change anything. At least thats what i think right now.

I tried to put myself into her position - Just got married and then i would change my picture to the one that was taken by my former lover? And i would just say to my new wife that its just a good picture. Sorry honey, we have done lots of pictures ourselves too, but not so good ones.

I know its just a picture technically, but i like to think that some pictures hold sentimental value too.

Im not saying that you are wrong. But the question for me isnt to get her back. I want to understand these actions, i want to learn. If i dont learn then i will end up doing same mistakes in the future again. I have read quite a lot of studies about facebook, i even found out that Facebook can "predict" almost 100% when people break up. Facebook is calculating this how fast you change profile, display pics, when your traffic goes up or slows down, what sites are you visiting, are you talking to females or males, has there been some sudden change etc etc and then this artificial intelligence can basically "predict" your future. Its quite interesting world to be honest.
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« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2017, 11:47:57 AM »

learning is good. learning from mistakes is good.

theres a difference between learning and ruminating, though. learning has an end point. ruminating is just speculation. whatever her motivation (if she had one), i dont see what you can learn from it. you can only speculate.

you mention sentimental value, and your theories as to why she posted the picture primarily revolve around the notion of signaling to you that you hold significance to her and/or she is regretful about how things ended. would you say thats correct? if so, that may be whats driving your curiosity, and i think theres plenty to learn about that.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
happendtome
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« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2017, 12:15:01 PM »

Its a slow process, slower than i thought it would be. Her ex-s kids teacher said to me, when i was still together with my ex, that she is a narcissist. He knew her more than i did.
Im not so sure about that, i see her more as a victim, but if i would know that behind her actions are just plain manipulations then there would be no problem for me to close that door. That would be closure for me. I know that i may not get the answer, but im still moving on and thats why i dont contact her. Im just analyzing very carefully all those days we had together in my mind.

But i consider everything you, Once Removed, said also. Its always good to hear what others are thinking.
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