Wife with BPD, trying to save her and the marriage

[Cyler]

Hi everyone

I'm not really sure where to start,  my wife has BPD and it's been slowly destroying our marriage. I know she needs to get help  u she keeps pushing me and our two kids away. She afraid of hurting us.  It's been a 1.5 year battle with a solid diagnosis only coming three months back. 

Her emotions are over the map,  from loving and being in love to hating me for everything and not being able stand being around me.  She gets stuck in these negative irrational thoughts all the time coupled with destructive behaviour. 

There was online video cheating, cam type stuff.   Taking off on a trip with another man behind my back.  A separation that lasted a few months and her sleeping with said man.  Taking me back in after and lying about it.   I only found out about the sex two weeks ago.  When I confronted her about it she said my willingness to forgive her,  and to still be in love with her " saved her and helped her find herself".  She was all in,  wanting to stay and fix the marriage and her BPD together.  Six days later after a nude photo shoot while I was on nights,  with a guy she never met and our kids alone upstairs she decided to end it again.  No longer in love with me because I confronted her.  She could not handle the guilt I suppose?

There is so much more too.  She started to strip in a club.  Working five nights a week out until 5am.  Sleeping until 3-5pm.  Never seeing the kids.  I have been a full on single parent for 1.5 years.  Doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, house maint, time with the kids and any of their activities, house renos so we can sell and working a full time job to pay for everything.

She has taken sabbaticals away from the kids and I for days or weeks at a time so she can find herself.  Every time she comes back I have to talk her off a ledge.  Self harm,  talk of suicid,  alcohol and pill abuse.  Every criticism is a huge slight. 

She sees our nine years together as "mostly bad".  I did work a lot to give her and our family everything they could even want or need.  Any trip, implants so she could feel better about her body after our two kids, time off for her hip surgery, basically anything that was needed or wanted I worked for and made sure she had it. I was not the greatest father or husband though.  I did work to much and my free time was limited.  I was burned out working 14 years straight.  The only good thing about her BPD is that is made me better at both husband and father. 

It's funny,  our sex life was amazing for 7.5 years.  And I mean amazing.  The night before her trip with "that guy", we made love all night.  She left and as soon as that door closed the woman I knew was gone.  I knew as soon as I woke up something was wrong.  All her other trips she would text and send pics of her food and sights.  I did not hear from her for two days.  I knew.  She came back a weeks later "in love with another man" Wanting a separation so I moved out for a few months.  She pulled me back in from time to time,  the grip increasing slowly. I found out later that she wanted to give us another try because of how horrible sex with that other guy was,  emotionally.  I found out from her and her friend (a secret ally) that they never... .finished because she had a breakdown during.  It felt so wrong that she began to cry. 

There is so much going on.  It all feels like a crazy jumbled mess in my head.  Just yesterday I had to talk her out if ending our marriage.  I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do or not but she is on a list for CBT, and emotional training and my thought was that she needs to get more level before making such a life changing decision.  I told her is there is anything left, any spark or hope then to not give up. I reasoned with her that if she says she can't trust her emotions from one day to the next,  one minute then why do something so destructive. Being in love and committed one day and then not in love the next and wanting to leave.  I keep pointing her to the ten irrational thought processes in BPD patients to help ground her a bit.  I don't want her to ignore her feelings but to also realize that sometimes they are not logical.  It's difficult to try and rationalize with someone who's brain is not rational.  I simply told her I will support her either way because I'm still in love with her.  Not just lover her, in love.

Im sorry for the jumbled mess.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[AskingWhy]

I am sorry to hear about this and I know your pain.  I am glad you came here for support.

Those with BPD are afraid of closeness but desperately want it at the same time.  It's is almost like they are testing us with their bad behavior.

They want validation and they engage in extramarital relationships in an attempt to find it.  If she is open to CBT, encourage her to go but understand this will open many painful doors into her own psyche that might be too painful for her.

Your first priority, however, is to protect yourself and your children from her actions.  Get counseling if you have already not sought it.  

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Cyler,

Welcome

I"m sorry to hear that you have been so hurt by your relationship. I can imagine how painful it must be to find out about infidelity to and to constantly worry that things will end. You've found a great place for support. Do you have a timeframe as to when your wife will start CBT? That could really bring about some changes. What about T for yourself? Do you have someone to help you heal from the hurts you've been through?

We have a lot of great lessons that can help you. They are on the right side of the page and are a good place to start learning new skills to help your relationship.

Keep posting. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[Cyler]

Thank you for the kind words.

Her cbt starts some time in September.  She has been making some couceling sessions too.  I'm keeping on her as best I can with her being out of the house.

I'm working on my own therapy too.  They are however focused more on the kids and I think the guy I just spoke to wants to get child protective services involved.  I'm terrified. I think I ___ed up by being to honest.  There were some odd situations but the kids are never in danger.  If this goes to far I'll lose her forever and this might kill her.  I'm waiting for a call back from the councellor and I'm freaking out!

[Cyler]

Well I've decided to be the one to pull the plug on the marriage.   I have no choice now


My work as deemed me unfit, with my job being safety sensitive I fully understand.   So I have to get my house in order now.  Hearing that was a huge wake-up call for me. 

I'm choosing to not be a victim of her BPD or the abuse from it any longer.  As well I have to protect the kids.  Going for full costody will bring out some interesting emotions in her I'm sure. 

Wish me luck.  She will be at the house later today. 

[Stolen]

Wish me luck. 

Good luck Cyler.  It sounds like you have been through the BPD wringer.

Take care of yourself, take care of your kids.  Leave your wife to God and know you tried. Oh how you tried... .

Again - good luck.