Hello...living and struggling with a BPD husband...

[Horselover33]

Hello.  This is my first time joining an online forum.  I'm really struggling and starting to feel very alone.  My husband has BPD.  Diagnosed in February.  Since that time we've been on a worse roller coaster than before his diagnosis.  it has gotten so bad that he was recently within a short stay psychiatric hospital from suicidal thoughts and attempts...   My own emotions are bubbling over, but I can't cry in front of him.  It only gets worse if I show emotions and my own frustrations.  I am having a very hard time setting boundaries and am in the process of stopping trying to save him and only provide support.  I live in fear and am really at a loss.  I am hoping to connect with others and not feel so alone in this struggle. Thank you so much... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi there Horselover33, Very sorry to hear what you have been going through this year. Why do you think things worsened at this time? Is this related to the diagnosis? Was this upsetting for him do you mean?

I can relate to this sentence you wrote very much, "It only gets worse if I show emotions and my own frustrations." I have never had a relationship before where I didn't feel fully able to be myself and say what I think and feel. It is very hard to know what to do with my own emotions. I don't want to let resentment build up because I know that will only make things worse.

Many people are here to listen and share and learn. You are not alone in going through this. What emotions are you feeling? What are you in fear of?

[Horselover33]

Thank you Pearlsw.  He has struggled with the diagnosis, the work involved in recovery and im recognizing I have only contributed to making this worse by trying to save him so I'm trying to set boundaries and let him sort out his emotions and just be there for support.  My fear is that he will harm himself.  Sometimes he is completely disassociated.  He creates situations with impossible outcomes that truly are a more difficult path where he will intentionally fail.  I don't know what to do or say when faced with that.  I'm trying to learn.  I'm seeking out counselling support, I'm starting to have a sadness about me that he picks up on and I'm left feeling bad for having my own feelings.  It's like I'm not allowed to have feelings.  So I have taken to the internet for support.  Most people in my life wouldn't understand, I don't want to leave, I don't want him to suffer the way he does.  I want to see this through and come out on the other side better for it. 

[pearlsw]

Oh now. This sounds very serious with the disassociation! I am glad you have some professional help/eyes on this!

I know what it feels like to think you have to hide/guard your own emotions because their emotions are so dysregulated. Expressing them here can be a good outlet. Just keep it up! You are inspiring me to do the same with my backlog of resentments over exactly this - not being able to fully express my emotions.

I find that with my own thoughts it helps if I put positive thoughts into my head instead of worries when I can see/hear too much negativity in my head. I've had a few tricks with this since I was kid, but I am finding that they are still useful! I keep a list of little mantras of words that make me feel good that I can repeat to help bring my thoughts back into balance. I like this one when to remind me how I want to be: "Be kind when possible. It is always possible." (-Dalai Lama) It reminds me to simply act with kindness as my guiding principle no matter what storms this BPD stuff throws at me.

Oh, and you have a great attitude about this already - that you don't want to see him suffer! Having compassion will definitely help you will get through this. It is an ongoing process, with lots of ups and downs, but don't let knowing that overwhelm you - the future is not here. Take it day to day and be in the present with it.