I'm furious at my husband for cheating on me and yet I continue to forgive him

[slachers]

I'm literally shaking as I type this.  I am so infuriated at both he and myself.  

I up at 2am because I can't sleep, which is the norm since finding out my husband has been cheating on me about a week ago.  

To give a bit of backstory. My husband was diagnosed with BPD a little over two years ago which was about seven months into our relationship after urging from me to go get some help.  He's a fairly high functioning pwBPD who has somehow managed to hold a job for twenty years.  His psychiatrist was very surprised by this and I really didn't understand why at first.  He portrayed himself so well.  I knew there had been issues in his last relationship, a marriage of twenty years, but I had no clue to what extent.  He made her out to be a horrible person who controlled him, drove him into bankruptcy, and was an insane woman with mental problems.  I believed him of course.  He cheated on her repeatedly right off the bat, but things were bad at home, so of course he did.  Right?  Makes perfect sense.  It was a loveless relationship, he was justified.  Right?  I fell right into the trap.  Hook, line and sinker.  

He neglected to tell me he was married when we first started to date.  That was the first lie.  I was too, but was separated from my husband and I knew that relationship was over.  He finally told me and explained that he was separated as well and the relationship had been over since the beginning.  Second lie.  Then he told me she moved back into their house after being gone for some time.  Third lie.  

Even when I found out about the lies, I chose to stay with him.  After all, he was amazing!  He made me see that love was real and men could be wonderful.  I was coming out a bad relationship and he reeled me right me.  I had finally found my Price Charming!  Or so I had thought.

We got married two years into our relationship secretly because of financial reasons and, you know, the fact that he was "finally happy in a relationship", "loved me more than anything in the world", "wanted to be with me forever" and we were going to have a big wedding someday but wanted to save up for it.  More  lies.  But this time I didn't know they were lies.

We are just about to hit our official three year mark and he drops a huge bomb on me.  He wants to live alone for a short time, just on a trial basis.  He felt, "We rushed into our marriage and he never got a chance to be alone.  Wants to see if he can do it".  Of course, I support him.  In fact, I tell him that I thought that was the plan before he moved in with me.  I thought he'd want to live on his own before rushing into another relationship after just getting out of one.  I always thought it strange that he wanted to move in right away when he did.  This may actually be a healthy move on his part, I think!  So we make a plan.  I will go live in an apartment at my parents house and he will get a short term lease somewhere so that we can pick up where we left off.  While this is happening though, there is to be no seeing anyone else in any manor.  He agrees and tells me he has no desire to.  Lies.  More lies.

I move out and we continue to pack up our house - the house we couldn't buy because he had spent all of our money and everything from both of our 401K's so we didn't have the downpayment to purchase.  But that's another story.  

One night on a hunch, I check our call logs and notice a few long calls between my husband and what turned out to be his superior at work (who in the past year, I felt she was interested in my husband and I didn't like the way they spoke to each other.  I felt it was inappropriate speak for a boss to a subordinate and vice versa).  I picked up the phone and dialed the number and hoped it was a guy who answered.  In my heart I knew it wasn't.  Obviously it was not.  I explained that I was his wife and wondered what on earth she would be calling him about at all hours of the night and the same for him to her.  She told me that she had no idea he was married and I was hitting her from left field.  She told me she had asked him in the beginning if he was in a relationship or married and he told her no.  She apologized and said she would no longer speak with him.  She swore it was only a phone relationship and nothing physical had happened.  I briefly told her about his illness and asked her not to call to let him know we had spoken as I couldn't deal with his acting out when I got to the house to confront him.  I explained that I wasn't surprised that he told her he was single because he had done the same thing to me when we first met.  She acted appalled and again assured me she was not that kind of person and would cease contact.

When I approached my husband, he had already been warned that I had called her.  He said she had called his (one and only) friend, another coworker, who quickly called to report to my husband.  He was furious.  Just what I hadn't wanted.  He turned it all around on me.  I was "too needy", "too controlling", "he didn't want to be married to someone like me anymore".  It's laughable really.  Except I wasn't laughing.  He felt no remorse whatsoever about any of it.  He didn't apologize.  He didn't care that he had broken my trust - trust I had given him wholeheartedly, even knowing his past.  When I asked about telling her that he wasn't married he simply said, "I'm a grown man, I can talk to whoever I want." and, "Well I don't want to be married anymore.  We weren't a good fit.  I've been unhappy and depressed with our relationship for quite some time".  Never had he mentioned any of this previously.  Not even when telling me he wanted to be on his own.  More lies.

But I stayed with him that night and we had sex.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I was distraught though.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't stop shaking.  I was certainly having a heart attack, I was sure of it.  He slept like a baby.  I was so mad.  Furious at him.  But when he woke up, we had more sex.  It's something we were good at.  I thought, maybe I can forgive him since nothing physical had happened with the other woman.  He is my husband, who I love so terribly much and who is sick.  I need to stay for him.  What would happen if I left?  It would put him in even more of a downward spiral.  Right?  

The next day he promised me he would stop talking to her, would get in to see his therapist before we made any final decisions, and wanted to fight to keep up our relationship.  He said he'd do whatever it took.  I had hear that before, but once again I believed him.  More lies.

She texted him that day from a different number so I wouldn't know it was her.  I saw it anyways and he responded.  I asked him to stop.  He went to work (he works our of town) and they texted and talked some more.  I called him and asked him to stop.  I thought he loved me and that he was willing to do whatever it took to make this work.  He wasn't.  He said he liked talking to her more than he liked talking to his best friend.  I asked if it was because he could "get in her pants" and he said, "yeah probably".  Again, no apology or remorse.  Our relationship, in his mind, was over so he had done nothing wrong.  I was hurt all over again.  Why would he do this?  How could he do this?  I was done.  I had to be.

But when he came back from his work trip, I went to look at apartments with him.  He was being himself again.  He was being sweet and kind.  We had sex again.  Why couldn't I stop myself?  I knew I shouldn't, but I did anyways.  After all he is still my husband.

His apartment wasn't going to be ready for a month.  But I wanted him to get that one so that our dogs could go see him and because it was affordable on our budget.  None of the other places he looked at would allow them.  I said he could stay with me until it was ready.  But he could not talk to her anymore or sleep with anyone else while he was there.  He agreed.  More lies.

Call logs don't lie.  He couldn't top himself from talking to her.  

Then he missed his therapy appointment.  He was done with me.  I was tossed to the curb like last weeks garbage.  

Today we had to finish getting our stuff out of our house.  I needed him there to help with the heavy stuff and to rent a Uhaul.  He wasn't home.  He wasn't at the Uhaul store.  Our plan was to meet at 8 am.  He wouldn't answer his phone or respond to my texts.  He had ditched me.  I was furious.  My mom who is 67, came over with a truck and helped me pack up the stuff that was left and load up everything for storage.  We made multiple trips to our storage unit.  It was exhausting.  It wasn't fair.  How could he do this?  Finally at 11, he texted me back and around 11:30 showed up to help.  He had no explanation for where he was or what he was doing.  My heart knew where he was, but I forgave him.  We had sex.  It's embarrassing.  I am ashamed of myself.  Why would I do that?  I knew it was wrong even as were were in the act.  But I chose to do it.  The only person to blame is myself.

I was able to sleep for a while tonight.  The shear exhaustion of moving all day and being up since three the morning before, helped.  But I had nightmare after nightmare about what my husband had been up to.  Once I was awake, I checked out bank records and call logs only to see he was, in fact, in her town this morning.  Ha had gotten gas there.

I called him.  I know I shouldn't have but I needed to hear him say the words.  He lied about where he was repeatedly.  I told him I knew but I needed to hear him say it.  He finally admitted he was at her house.  I knew that wasn't a lie.  Finally he had told the truth.  The painful, hurtful truth.  I told him to please be out of the house as soon as possible and to take his stuff with him.  I need to go over to clean today and finish what we didn't get done yesterday (because he couldn't be bothered to help when he could be with his girlfriend instead).  He said he had no problem leaving.  More hurtful words.  

As I am typing this he has been texting me.  That's his way.  He knows he did wrong so he shoots nasty hateful texts my way.  Always hinging on something I did wrong in his eyes.  Justifying to himself that what he did was ok because I am the bad guy.  He also changed the password to his separate bank account so I could no longer look at it.  

I have to stop the cycle of forgiving him.  I know this.  I am an intelligent and a strong person who knows better.  Why do I do it?  I have to stop.  I know the man I loved is gone.  He will never come back.  I know this in my head, but I can not get my heart to catch up.  

Does anyone have the same issue?  And most importantly, does anyone have a way that worked for them to stop.  

I will attempt to have no contact as much as possible, but we are financially tied together right now.  He was the main breadwinner because I work only part time in order to get to see him due to his crazy schedule of being away so much.  Every day I hope that I don't tick him off enough that he takes the little money that is left in our bank account (r changes his direct deposit) and leaves me high and dry.  He promises he won't but he promised me a lot of things over the last three years.  He is a pathological liar.  I see that now.  

I know I can't trust him.  I need to stop forgiving him.  I know he's sick but he still can choose right from wrong.  And he chose wrong.  I must stop this cycle but I'm not sure I know how.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Duplicity]

Slachers,

My heart goes out to you and everything you're going through. I was with my ex husband for 17.5 years. He was a pathological liar, but I loved him very much. I wasted almost two decades of my life with a man that never stopped seeing a woman that he was sleeping with before he met me. I didn't know about his lies and secret life beforehand. These revelations came to light as the years went by. Unfortunately for me, this man was very skilled sexually-- I could not keep him away from these women and i couldn't keep them away from him. He had me hooked sexually also and he was also quite the charmer. Each time that i caught him cheating, he was not remorseful either. We also had sex after his cheating episodes-- we were very good at it too and thats what kept me locked in for almost two decades. So I understand how exactly how your husband makes you feel.

I'm sure that you can only imagine what he put his ex wife through during those 20 years. It doesn't matter what he told you- you have a clear view of what probably really happened. I admire your dedication to your marriage and your loyalty to your spouse through all of the heartbreak you're experiencing.

I cannot speak as to his BPD, but the lies, cheating, secrecy, lack of remorse, etc... .all sound strikingly familiar. All I can suggest is that your reaction to his behavior must change. He has not suffered any consequences for his bad behavior-- he still has the security of having you as a loving, supportive wife, he still gets to have sex with you after going missing on his cheating escapades- he's having his cake and ice cream. He knows that you aren't going anywhere and this must change.

I understand that the other woman is still sneaking and seeing your husband. I despise homewreckers, but he is still seeing her as well. He could still be pursuing her, knowing shes developed feelings too by now. He could be promising to leave you for her, etc. BPDs can turn off their feelings by flipping a switch, others, not so much. She is dead wrong too.

I also know that you cannot fight to save a marriage when you are the only person fighting to save it. He has to be accountable for his actions, be willing to honor the vow that he took with you, get back into therapy, and any other conditions that YOU require as well. 

You should aim to become financially independent. You cannot put your survival and existence into the hands of someone that's so unstable and unreliable.You mentioned that you couldn't buy a home because He spent all of the money. Not good. He could very well run off with this woman, or meet someone else, or empty that account--and where would that leave you?

One thing is for certain-- the way you respond isn't working and he's losing respect for you. Change the way you respond to his bad behavior, and you just may get a different result.

I Suggest that you take time to be kind to yourself. A little distance may be good for both of you. I wont say disappear, but dont be so available to him all the time. Dont rush to answer these texts that hes sending you. Try to find a job that pays more so that you can have regain some of your confidence by becoming less reliant on him. I also suggest that you lean on friends and family during these hard times. Lastly, some counseling for yourself would be beneficial. The stronger you become, the less reliant you are on him, along with him being faced with the prospect of losing you behind his bad behavior --will certainly cause him to take notice.

[slachers]

Thank you AllMyHeart,

You are absolutely right on so many levels.  I am sorry for your struggles with your BPDh.  I thank god that I found this out within our first three years together and not further down the line.  I wouldn't wish this illness on anyone.  It is truly a rollercoaster ride from hell.  And worse, one that I keep willingly getting back on. 

We have been separated now for just a week.  I had been in the process of moving out of the house when I discovered the calls, texts, lying about being married, etc.  We discussed writing up a separation agreement just this evening, in which he will sign off that he agrees to complete the payment of our joint bills and keep me on his health insurance among other things.  I will take care of that next week so that he doesn't empty our bank account (Not that there is much in there anyways).  Plus, he is paying alimony to his first wife, so I'm sure he will not take out enough to bounce that check as another trip to court would not be in his best interest.  And as we know, those with BPD tend to be very self serving.  Thankfully, he loves his job.  I know he would never leave that just to spite to me.         


I don't know why, but the men with BPD (and maybe the woman too - I can't speak to that) all seem to be very skilled in bed.  I've read quite a few posts that all same the same thing.  I still have a hard time being close to him.  I feel his gravitational pull and am instantly attracted to him as if none of this ever happened.  I can't blame him for my slipping up either.  I want it just as bad as he does, maybe more.  We were very passionate in bed and that's an intoxicating drug.  But I will not sleep with someone who is sleeping with someone else.  I have never been into sharing and that is not about to start now.   

As to the other woman, I'm sure she will believe anything he says.  And I'm sure he is lying to her just as he did me.  I believed him as well, so I honestly can't blame her.  Someone else told me she is giving me a gift in a way.  I think that's a great way to look at it.  If he had not started that relationship, I would have just gone on thinking everything was ok and that his episodes were just something I had to put up with for the rest of my life.  Now I know they aren't. 

I agree that fighting to save a marriage by myself isn't going to work and that my reactions haven't worked either.  I'm sure you are exactly right that he has no respect for me.  How could he?  I'm not sure I've even got any left for myself.  I have such a weakness for him.  He is my kryptonite.  They way he "seduced" me in the beginning was unlike anything I've ever experienced.  He pulled me in with all his charm, kind words, his actions, and of course the amazing sex.   I fell hard.  I have never loved someone the way I loved him.  I guess, even after all the bad came out, I felt sorry for him.  How hard must it be to live your life they way someone with BPD does.  It's got to be torture.  Maybe that's why they can inflict it so well and so easily to others.  I hope I will get better at resisting him as time goes by.  I have to be strong for myself now and let him take responsibility for his mental well being.  It's not my job, nor was it ever.

I guess one of the most infuriating things about dealing with someone with BPD is the lack to express how you really feel.  I want to get angry at him.  I want to take back some of the power.  I want to yell and scream and make him understand just how bad he's hurting me.  But as many of us probably know, that makes no impression on someone with BPD.  In fact, it triggers them (my husband at least) to be more cold and further removed.  I learned that the hard way.  I am trying very hard to control my emotions when I am around him.  It's so terribly hard.

I am trying not to be as available, like you mentioned.  I have not initiated a call or texted him since the night I posted.  Today when he texted me, I was very matter of fact and to the point.  My job has luckily agreed to let me have more hours and I have been cutting out everything I don't need.  Luckily I haven't been able to eat, so groceries have not been needed.   But seriously, I think with the increase in hours and cutting back I will be ok.  And here I do need to give my husband some credit, as I know he would never let me or our dogs go hungry.  If I said I needed him to give me another month before taking over all my bills, he would probably do it.  I know he has his bad points, but he has always been generous. 

I have my parents too, who would and do happily help in any way they can.  They are lifesavers.  I also, have a large support network of close friends and family.  I am very lucky in that sense.  I do see a therapist.  I realized very quickly, living with someone with BPD requires the use of a therapist regularly.

Like I said, I hope with each day, I can get stronger and stronger.  I love my husband but I need to love myself more.  I know now, what he truly is and I have to remind myself of that a hundred times a day.  He is a liar, a cheater, and a very sick individual who isn't sorry for what he's done.  My "husband" is gone. 
 

[Mutt]

Hi slachers,

He is a liar, a cheater, and a very sick individual who isn't sorry for what he's done.  My "husband" is gone.   

From everything that you've share he doesn't sound like he's ready to get help for himself. BPD is a serious mental illness.

How are you holding up today?

[confused4now]

I totally feel your pain   , I have been with my husband for 5 years, and all of our stories could be the same. They are charming, good looking, and great in bed! unfortunately that is about it for the plus side . He swept me off my feet as well, I had  just gotten out of a relationship that I thought was hell until today. I too caught him lies right away, yes concerning women, and I chose to ignore my instincts. Since that time like a lot of us it has been heart ache and misery, sprinkeld with passion and me going into denial, all the time accepting less and less from him, me giving more and more. The only thing he ever really did was lie about what he was going to do to make it better. Yes at times he was very generous and in fact it was good for about 2 years. Heres the deal. I knew he was a liar, I accepted the behavior, and it kept getting worse. Fast forward, I suspected 6 mos ago something was really wrong and began the phone log and tracking route. I found all kinds of apps in his phone, female numbers and tons of calls to someone at the hospital where he works. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out who, but can not figure out what dept or extention the call is routed to. they talk day and night. I caught him sneaking out all hours of the night ect... .This has been a shock, I knew he lied about drinking, spending, but not cheating. I know question everthing. I of course confronted him and lies, lies, lies.  I finally got him to move out 3 weeks ago. He swears to this day all of that is some mistake and I am crazy! I know how you feel, I really do. In fact I do not think any one knows what this is like unless you have bought this crazy fantasy from a diagnosed BPD. I have been out of my mind and it gets worse. He disconnected my phone, internet. I still did not respond, he served my with protection order and had me removed from my house that he was not living in. Mean while he goes on vacation. I can tell you that being away from them really helps. I am seeing things clearer. I have to tell you that I am so triggered that my family is sick with worry. My brother talked to him the day he had me removed and he flipped the switch, he said he was ok with divorce and would drop the protective order. He said he had gotten a job and was going to get his own place. I again felt abandon. This was on Friday and I have been a mess. I have read non stop on this mental illness and am coming to grips with that it is all a lie. These people do not feel! they do not process like normal humans , their end game is to conquer and devour. You my dear have been discarded and he is off to his newest source. The best you can expect is a bunch of recycles. You can also expect to get less and less of his time and after a while he will only have sex with you if know one else is available. I am sorry to say this,but read up on this. My husband has done this his entire life and is 63. I know I must figure myself out and get out. The damage they have caused and what we allowed has done serious damage to us. They do not care, because they cant, they can only pretend, and they only do just enough to get what they want. The longer you stay, the more damage you are allowing him to do. Believe me when I say, I know how much we think we love them, but we dont, we are addicted to the chaos that this relationship brings. When they leave, we must with drawl until they come back to harm us again. this is our DRUG. Really think about where you want to be in a year from now? You should only go no contact if you really want to get clarity. If your not done, then just keep doing the dance, they will always use you, you just get further down the list.

[slachers]

Mutt,

I guess I am doing as well as can be expected having had my whole world turned upside down.  I cry daily, still can't eat, am sleeping a little better with help of meds but still just reeling from all this.  I thought my life was crazy living with a husband who has BPD, but recovering from that is possibly even harder. 

I'm sure most people can relate, but with my husband if I get mad or emotional it only makes things worse.  So I have to smile and pretend like he didn't just wreck me, or isn't seeing someone or possibly two (I just found this out) other women behind my back, or hasn't changed everything in my world that I thought was real.  It's pure torture.

But for my own good, I have to "play nice".  Until our things are in order I can't go off on him, make him feel guilty, or make matters worse in his eyes.  Funny that he's the one who caused all this yet I'm the one who has to deal with the wreckage left behind and make sure that he doesn't feel bad about it. 

I know with each day it will get easier.  Or at least I hope so. 

       

[slachers]

Confused4now,

I am so sorry to hear your stories.  My heart goes out to you.  I know none of us who have been through a marriage involving BPD would ever wish it on anyone.  For me, reading about other people's lives gives me a bit of comfort, just knowing I'm not the only one. 

I find that I want to blame myself for staying with him as long as I did.  I'm sure many of us feel that way.  But then I remember what an amazing man he was and has the capability to be.  My husband treated me like a princess for a very long time.  We had a fantastic relationship when he was his "normal" self.  We had many hobbies we did together and were truly a great team.  I have to assure myself that not all of that was fake.   I'm not defending what he's done by any means, but trying to be kind to myself by saying,  there were a lot of really amazing memories made with this man who I love.  Despite the ups and downs and emotional hell, the good outweighed the bad for me.

I am done doing the BPD shuffle.  Until all of our stuff is sorted out, I have to keep the peace, as I just wrote above.  Luckily, for me my husband is being amicable.  As long as I don't make him feel guilty, he is wiling to speak to me and help me.  I am thankful for that.  I even let him think there may be some way we could make this work, but in my mind it's over.  In the state where we live, we have to be officially separated for a year before we can file for divorce.  My goal is just to get through the next year as easy as possible. 

I have to have limited contact with him for various reasons, but I do not initiate any of it.  I do not ask him personal questions, even when he baits me and I do not respond when he purposely tries to get one.  It is hard.  Especially knowing what I know. 

I have a new perspective that helps with our interactions.  I just pretend to be whatever I need to be while the whole time thinking in my head, ":)o you honestly think I buy that?".  Now we are both playing a game.  But at least now I am aware of the rules.   

I wish you luck with your husband.  I hope things get easier for you.  Please let me know if you find anything else that works, as I am more than open to suggestions.

[confused4now]

I am so glad that you wrote back , I know I was being very harsh, and I am sorry for that. I in fact do not know what anyone is  really feeling. I think on that day I really needed to believe that. I too had so many wonderful memories and experiences with my husband. He was good to me in ways that I unfortunately  can not think about now. I think I am at the place where I need to focus on the actions, and how they made me feel and the destruction it caused. I too had to do the same thing with my husband the last 2 mos he was in the home. I came to the conclusion that he was never going to tell me the truth, and my anger was out of control. When I finally calmed down and treated him with some compassion, he was different too. I lived a lie of believing what ever he told me, and not saying a word, so that he would move out. After he moved out and realized I was not going to work on the marriage he really ramped up   , He served me with a protection order, cut off my phone, car insurance, and utilities. He had me removed from the house my family bought and thought he should be able to stay and I should be on the street. We just got back from court and he has flipped again. He dismissed the order and say's he will sign divorce papers as long as he gets his belongings. I did and do feel so many emotions . I can not believe I feel abandon again! It feels like the only thing he cares about are his things and is only devastated because he no longer has a nice home . That is why I protect myself . His actions do not line up with the person I met. I wish you well and thank You for helping me look at this with more compassion.

[waverider]

His behaviour seems very consistent and calculated (proactive) rather than just the reactive impulsiveness associated with BPD. It sounds very much like there is an element of Narcissistic Personality Disorder at play here. Has that possibility been raised before?

[slachers]

waverider,

I don't believe NPD has ever been discussed but I wouldn't disagree that it could be a possibility.  I have no idea if he'll ever go back to his therapist or psychiatrist so there's a good chance we will never know.  But to be honest, I can't concern myself with his issues anymore.  That's proving to be more difficult than I ever thought it could be.  Old habits die hard, I suppose. 

confused4now,

Don't feel bad or like you have to apologize.  Trust me when I tell you that I get it.  I have realized also, that my husband will never tell me the truth again either.  Even now that we have been separated for two weeks and he has no reason to lie to me, he choses to do so.  Not that I'm even asking him anything.  He volunteers lies - like I still care.  And like you, I have to live a life pretending to believe whatever he tells me, while keeping my mouth shut just so he will sign off on our separation agreement.

This is pure torture.  It's just so hard to know he has started a new life with someone else and refuses to look back.  In retrospect, I see that is doing to me, exactly what he did to his ex wife and kids.  I see his patterns now, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I gave and gave in our relationship and he did was take.  Then threw me away when he was done.

Now he's left me to deal with everything while he goes on dates with his new girlfriend and charges them to our bank account.  He tells me he's getting his own place at the beginning of October, but he opened a gym membership in the town where she lives.  Why lie?

He has been somewhat amicable and hasn't done anything drastic except for spending a ton of money.  Luckily, the phone and car insurance are in my name so he can't close them.  And I do have a place to live.  I am thankful for that.

I am so sorry for what you are having to go through.  I hope you are able to find some peace.  I know it has been excruciating for me.  I have lost over 15 pounds in the last two weeks because I can't keep food down and am nauseous all the time.  I still can't sleep more than four hours a night which makes everything harder.  My family is worried about me.  I am worried about me.  I just can't seem to get the focus back on myself.  I've been so aware of his moods, actions, triggers, and well being for so long, it's like I forgot what it is like to just take care of myself. 

Some days are better than others, but nights and mornings seem to be the worst.  I cannot wait for this hell to be over.  Please let me know if you have found any way to cope.   

 

[nuthereggsheller]

Oh, Slachers, your story could almost be mine too. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But thank you for sharing your story, as it gives me some strength and insight in dealing with my situation too.

I completely understand the part about why you kept going back to him after all the lies and cheating. They can be so sweet, so charming, so magnetic. And we have really good intentions in caring for them and having them in our lives.  Maybe one thing that might help as you go through the next days, weeks and months of resisting falling back under his spell, is that the "love" you feel, the magnetism, the desire to keep him and stay sexually close is really just a drug that your brain is producing.  Oxytocin is a bonding hormone. That and all the "feel good" chemicals our brains produce are what's making it hard for you during those times you think about giving it another try.  If you can remember that and tell yourself "I refuse to be a drug addict!" maybe it will help you move past those feelings until you are strong and whole again.  I fell prey to those brain chemicals myself and ended back in the relationship twice when it should have been over - twice.

Now is a time to start rebuilding your sense of self.  You are whole and good and strong without him.  What are some things you want to accomplish in life?  You might not feel motivated to start doing them right now because of the crushing grief and pain (been there), but if you can at least start some forward thinking that builds yourself up, you'll continue moving in a good, healthy direction.  Know that others (like me) are trying to do the same thing, so we're right here with you.  You are not alone.

Hang in there, slachers. Keep looking at the blessings in your life, like you are (parents, job, etc.) and be strong!  Please keep us posted on how you are doing.  I love the other comments in this thread - others here are so wise and have so much good knowledge and support to give. Sending you good thoughts.

[slachers]

nuthereggsheller,

Thank you for writing.  I hate that there are so many of our stories, but it does help to know I'm not alone and others have made it through this and come out ok.  You are right about the support and knowledge of those on this board.  I honestly don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this site.  It's nice having a "safe" place to vent and to get the input of others who understand what it is like to deal with BPD. 

I really appreciate your advice.  It is so hard to be strong right now.  I'm just so emotionally, mentally and physically drained at this point.  It tales everything I've got to continue in my daily routine.  I have nothing left for anything else right now.  I know that will get better over time, but I'm a doer and feeling worn down and unable to go like I normally do is eating me up.   

My story has progressed.  I believe my husband is moving in with my replacement (his boss at work).  He keeps telling me he is getting an apartment at the end of the month, but I saw that he opened a gym membership in her town, so I'm guessing he's been staying with her and intends to be there permanently.  He also took a portion of the money out of our account that I had earmarked for his deposit on the apartment.  When I told him there wouldn't be enough for his deposit he didn't seem to care. 

I'm sure he has made me out to be the bad guy and she is hanging on his every word.  I'm sure she is falling right into his trap, just as I did.  He's been pushing for the separation agreement, which isn't like him at all.  I assume the girlfriend is wanting it, so she can feel free and clear of doing anything wrong.  If only she knew what she was getting into.  I know how this story ends.  I have lived it. 

He's now completely ignoring me too.  He won't return my calls or texts.  He is exerting his percieved "power" over me.  He is in control.  I know he enjoys the fact that I need to talk to him about financial matters and he is unreachable.  He texts me when it's convenient for him or when he's away from her.  He acts like he hasn't received my texts and lies through his teeth about everything.  It really is ridiculous.  I don't know this man anymore. But I do.  This is how he treated his first wife after he left her. 

I am trying not to be vengeful although I have thought of a million things I'd love to do including reporting them to their employer and dumping his things on her lawn.  But I have restrained myself.  I have to remember the end game.  I will be better off without him and will make out better if I don't cause his trouble in his new found love life. I know he has no remorse but I have a conscience and I have to live with myself after all is said and done.  Getting one or both of them fired would not help me in any way.  And making him angry will most likely only hurt me in the end. 

It's almost a blessing that I found out about her, because I fear if I had not, this relationship would have gone on with me just accepting his irrational and destructive behavior while sitting quietly on the sidelines waiting for my "husband" to return.  But he is gone now.  That man no longer exists for me.  He is busy wooing my replacement.  Judging by our bank account and credit cards, he is doing a good job of it.  Now she is getting the "feel good" chemicals and I am left to deal with the mess he left behind.  At least now, there will be no slipping up for me.  I will not have sex with him again.  And I will not take him back. 

You are right in that it is time for me to rebuild my sense of self.  I know I can be who I was before.  I just wish it would happen sooner than later.  I hate crying in general but I really hate doing it in public or at work.  It seems these days the wind can blow and I will start to bawl.  I am not a weak person but I feel weak now.  It is still very fresh though.  Everything is on the surface.  I know in time things will calm down and I will be able to move forward with my new life without him and I will be better off for it.

Thanks again for your kind words and those of everyone who has taken the time to write.  I truly appreciate it.   


 

[confused4now]

  Slachers! It sounds like you are going through it like me. I am feeling clearer, it still is so painful. I do not have to go crazy in my head wondering will and how I am going to fix this relationship. I am not hiding the truth from everyone I care about in order to hold on to him. Best of all, I am not waiting for him to be someone he made up. I know he won't, I can't, it's over. This being said, I have a whole host of emotions to face. That is the kicker , I find comfort here and reading about how powerless I am with this illness. I have to read the clinical stuff to reinforce my inability to do anything to make him change. It is like I am rewiring my brain, I am so use to thinking about a solution, now I think about this ending. As strange as it sounds, I tell myself at least I have a chance of being happy. I am hopeful this pain has a purpose and I will gain insight and be stronger. I am holding on to this will pass. I have had better days, I have not returned to the deepest hurt that the first few weeks brought. I do vacillate between feelings, this is hard. One minute I feel so angry, then I feel abandon, then I miss him, and finally I cry . I do not want to face the life I FANTASIED about with him alone. I now hope, if I do find someone else, I will be able to discern reality from emotions gone wild. Wishing you God speed on direction for your happiness    

[slachers]

confused4now,

You really put your finger on it. I feel the same. All of it.

I wish you well too. We all deserve to be happy again and get back to our original selves. I'm sure we will in time. Every day gets a tiny bit easier for me. I hope it does for you too.

Thank you for writing and please keep me in your thoughts as I will you.