Things My Ex Would Say

[LastSamurai]

Hello everyone, I thought I'd share some things that my ex-wife would say. I wanted to include as many examples as possible. Hopefully, this will shed some light on specific statements that our exes have used in the past. Has anyone heard any of these statements from their ex? If so, please share some more examples if it's not listed and feel free to give any feedback. - LS

   “I love you.”
   “Where have you been all my life?”
   “My soul mate.”
   “You have this ‘tone’ that you use.”
   “I’m flaky.”
   “I’m mean and bitter.”
   “Living together and marriage terrifies me.”
   “I’m irrational.”
   “I was broken before I met you.”
   “I’m insane.”
   “I’m fat.”
   “How do you not find me disgusting?”
   “Being humiliated turns me on.”
   “Being reminded of my shortcomings turns me on.”
   “I want a baby.”
   “I want to be barefoot and pregnant taking care of babies.”
   “I need you.”
   “I bore my soul to you like I never have with anyone else.”
   “I can never trust you again.”
   “You promised to never divorce me.”
   “All you do is tell me what I’m doing wrong.”
   “You don’t’ love me. You just like the idea of controlling me.”
   “I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you.”
   “I look forward to being your wife.”
   “You don’t talk to me. You talk at me.”
   “I’m crazy and I don’t want you to see me crazy.”
   “Once I go into a dark space it’s hard to get out of.”
   “I wake up in these ‘funks’.
   “If it wasn’t for my daughter I’d check myself into a psych ward.”
   “If it wasn’t for God I’d kill myself.”
   “I have Abandonment Issues.”
   “I’m Hypersensitive.”
   “I’m afraid you’ll get bored and leave me.”
   “It’s not you I’m worried about. It’s me.”
   “I can’t sleep.”
   “I hear noises outside.”
   “Take me away and protect me from people.”
   “You push, and push, and push!”
   “No one has ever did anything like that for me.”
   “My pattern of being in back to back relationships will stop if you don’t leave me.”
   “Promise me you’ll never leave me.”
   “You’re being manipulative.”

[once removed]

hey LastSamurai,

i can relate to hearing a lot of these sorts of statements.

looking through them, what are some themes you see? how did you respond at the time, and how do they make you feel looking back?

[Mutt]

Hi LastSamurai,

once removed asked some good questions, I'll bite, I read exaggerations like a small child with the expressions. BPD is emotional arrested development so it would make sense.

We can compare notes, at the end of the day people that suffer from BPD share traits, everyone that shares those traits is a different person with different personalities from all walks of life. There can be a multitude of different variations wih  PD traits and the person is not defined by the traits, people are people they just happen to have dysfunctional neural pathways.

My point in all of this is that collected volume of different things that pwBPD say doesn't necessarily lump them all in the same group.

[AnuDay]

I feel so lonely
I have a headache
My back hurts
I can't take this anymore
You're so controlling
Don't tell me how to raise my kids
You're so mean
You only want to be with me because of the kids
The kids don't love you
You don't really love me
Who are you talking to on the phone
Why are you always talking about me

[In a bad way]

I feel so lonely
I have a headache
My back hurts
I can't take this anymore
You're so controlling
Don't tell me how to raise my kids
You're so mean
You only want to be with me because of the kids
The kids don't love you
You don't really love me
Who are you talking to on the phone
Why are you always talking about me

Yes to everything.
Plus a shed more I could add.

[apocalypsenow]

"I'm a mess, stay away from me."
"I think you're just using me."
"I can't do this anymore" (about 500 times)
"I'm a handful!"
"You can't handle me."
"You're in the big leagues now."
"You're a mess."
"Why do you love me?"
"I don't think you love me."
"I almost got on a plane out of the country today."

Looking over this list, it makes me feel sad for her, really, even though she was horrible to me.  It made me feel sad at the time too, this person who was so broken, who didn't feel comfortable in her own skin, wanting desperately to be loved, but lacking any of the skills to be in a relationship.

[Harley Quinn]

Looking over this list, it makes me feel sad for her, really, even though she was horrible to me.  It made me feel sad at the time too, this person who was so broken, who didn't feel comfortable in her own skin, wanting desperately to be loved, but lacking any of the skills to be in a relationship.

I think apocalypsenow nicely sums up here the WHY of these things being said.  A desperate desire to be loved and lack of skills to create that ideal relationship a pwBPD craves.  Hence so much of the push/pull we see in the phrases above.  :)esperate need and fears working against one another.  

One thing I see on the boards a lot is members asking 'How could he/she say/do ... .?' and I believe the above is the answer.  We can make the mistake of seeing a person in an adult body, doing adult things and getting on with life (however high or low functioning they are) and forgetting at times that this person's emotions overwhelm them constantly.  Because their arm isn't hanging off we don't SEE the illness and pain inside.  I can relate to this in some ways because I have a chronic condition that isn't externally visible and for that reason there is little understanding.  A person in that situation often gives up on trying to explain what is going on inside (if they ever did) and their peers merely see what the external behaviours are.  

So when we puzzle over how a person could do or say something so hurtful to us, what we ought to be thinking of - in that moment - is what the underlying cause is.  It is not about us.  It's about BPD.

Love and light x

[Turkish]

I heard many similar things. 

What strikes me about the list is that almost all of them are or were true, even those feelings which changed ("you're my soul mate". They were true at the time.  How do we process this?

[SuperJew82]

Good point Turkish. Once I understood more about BPD, it helped me become less angry about the situation. She wasn't lying or manipulating me on a conscious level.

They are very emotional people and I know that she felt all of those things when she said them.

I don't have an answer for that as it just highlighted how incompatible they were with healthy relationships. I hope my ex stays in therapy but it will take years for her to manage these feelings ( and she will still feel them - there is no changing that )

I decided to be selfish for once and put myself first. I can't go through this. I hated being selfish. It went against my core programming not to help her more, but I think I did my fair part in putting her in the right direction. The real work is ahead of her now.

I just couldn't take another month of it, not much less years of it.

I hope she gets better and finds a way to become happier.

[roseabell]

Here is my list from boyfriend:

Kisses me passionately "What does that show you?"
Hugs me "What does that tell you?"
Look at the connection we have
I can't ignore the connection that we have, but I don't want a relationship (after 2 years)
It's such a privilige being with you
You are stunning, sexy, beautiful, kind, caring, supportive etc
I am not functioning
I can't handle being around you,  because I just want you and can't handle it
Can't talk to you on the phone as I get aroused
I want to rip your clothes off
Why are you with me?
What do you like about us being together?
I am a calm in a storm
People wouldn't believe the connection we have
The intensity between us is electric
I am scared of falling for you completely in case I get hurt
We are a team
You deserve better
I have disrespected you (by text)
I am profoundly sorry I have hurt you so much
There is so much I want to do with you
I can't do a relationship
I just want to keep things casual (after 1 1/2 years)
I love you and what do you think about moving in (after 7 days)
I didn't know what I was missing until I met you
I love you
You like what I do for you, don't you?
I miss you in my bed
I miss your hugs, cuddles, stroking your hair etc
Your smile melts my heart, and your heart is like platinum
I will never talk to that woman again (ex wife)
You will meet someone else
What do you like about me?
What do you think about selling my house and buying a house together? (2 wks before first break up email after being together 1 1/2 years).
I have to stay away, this isn't fair on you
I am just fat and ugly (about himself - he is obese 300lb but I told him I didn't see that, that I saw him)
I have zero sex drive with new girlfriend, but with you its off the charts.  I just want to rip your clothes off, hold you, hug you, kiss you.  What do you like about us being together? (in talk week after he announced on FB he was in a relationship. Despite telling me that mentally he wasn't ready, wasn't functioning and that I deserved better and that I was out of his league)
I am wonderful
I want to connect with you so deeply
We have an emotional connection


Breaks my heart!

 

[Wolfsocks]

In retrospect I can also see that her statements were the words of a person who desperately wanted to be secure and cared for but knew that she lacks the skills to maintsin an adult relationship. Thanks to everybody else for sharing!

You think I am boring.
You'd rather talk to someone else.
You have written me off. (after spending a few hours with someone else)
Are you planning to leave me? Oh god, please no.
You are neglecting me. (after talking to a friend)
What did you talk about? Are there still topics that you only talk about to me?
I think you'd prefer if I were dead. (after the separation)
Why should I continue to live when nobody loves me? Maybe I shouldn't stop the next time when a car races towards me.
You think I am worthless and treat me like s**t.
You are a liar. You lied to me for years. (after I changed my opinion)
Nobody knows you as well as I know you.
You know you can rely on me. You know I'll always be there for you.
I am the funniest and most reliable person in the world.
You are confused and have no idea what you want. (when I tried to split up)
You will bitterly regret your decision. I know it. I know you. You are throwing everything away for a mere fling.
You don't have a problem with me. Your family is the problem.
I don't think I can change anything. You don't like me no matter what I do.
I don't know what I should do. Tell me what you want me to do.
Of course I have low self-esteem. You are always criticizing me.
Why are you trying to get into a fight? I don't want to fight! (after trying to discuss an issue with her)
Of course, you don't want to be with me right now. I don't want to be with me right now.

[SummerStorm]

Though many of these obviously repeat, I think it's also dangerous to conclude that all pwBPD say these things or that, if someone says these things, he/she must have BPD.  Truth be told, I have said many of these things myself, due to my incredibly low self-esteem.  Where I differ from a pwBPD is that I don't split people or rapidly change my feelings for someone.  Obviously, "I love you" in and of itself is not something just a pwBPD says.  It's the actions the person displays while attempting to show that love that reveal BPD (or just highly abusive) behaviors. 

Words, not actions, are what's most important.

[papayagirl]

"I just want you and that's it"
"When we're together everything is perfect"
"I go through these waves of falling in love with you and then feeling nothing"
"In my own weird way I think I am in love with you"
"I care about you and it's been a very long time since I cared about anyone"
"You come along and you care and it's overwhelming. You're overwhelming me"
"I got scared because I felt like this could be it"
"I have no explanation for why I acted like that"
"I'm going to hurt you"/ "I have the potential to hurt you"
"I'm a mess... .you need to stay as far away from me as you can"
"Run don't walk"
"You need to understand that this is going to keep happening"
"I'm going to absolutely tear you apart"

[moscas]

Yes to many statements here. I guess some of them will get repeated here, but here's what my ex told me often (and I also believe that all feelings were profoundly felt).

"You are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me."
"I'm not used to kind and honest people like you."
"This is the best thing someone has ever done for me."
"You are perfect just as you are."
"I've always accepted you 100%, why can't you do the same?" (when I questioned his drinking and aggressive behaviour)
"I'm just a talking head"
"Everyone hates me. My life has no meaning."
"You have to promise me you'll never leave me."
":)o you like him better than me?" (we had been together for half a year. I spent one afternoon with a male friend. He was convinced he had been replaced)
"I just want to talk to you."
"I really appreciate talking to you."
"This conversation means a lot to me."
"I'll always be here for you."
"You can say anything to me."
"I could go on like this forever." (after months of breaking up and getting back together again)
"I will never change, this is who I am, this is how it always will be."
"That's what I felt like then." (when trying to discuss hurtful or upsetting things he had said)
"I know you're sleeping with other men." (I never did. He kept coming back to this, no matter how many times I said it wasn't true)
"You understand me."
"You don't understand me. No one does."
"I'm not trying to manipulate you, I have no interest in that." (I guess this was his disclaimer in case he came off as manipulative? I never figured out what he meant by this).
"I have no interest in hurting you" (when bringing up situation where he had really hurt me)
"I don't deserve to feel like this."
"My life is boring."
"I have a death wish."

These are the statements that stand out during our 10 monthts together. He could go from one statement to an opposite one in a matter of hours or days, depending on his mood. It's stilll crushing me that I couldn't do anything for him, that he kept refusing therapy and that he's still as self-destructive as ever (the relationship ended three months ago. Two months of NC now).