BPD EX contacted me

[UKharry]

So I went NC with BPDex for about 5 months.I must have ignored over 300 text and 100 calls. Out of nowhere she contacts me to tell me she found someone else,we started talking and I told her I wouldn't talk to her aslong as she was talking to this other man as I dont think that would be respectable. Why did she even contact me to begin with?

[Fishmedic]

Triangulation. It's what they do. No single person can soothe all of their needs, plus they can't ever "be alone" (not always true, but for most), so they meet someone new, forgo the whole "dating/getting to know stuff" and enter into a relationship with someone they hardly even know. But they miss the familiarity and comfort we provided, so they like to keep in touch, so they have a backup plan for when the new relationship goes south. Those are some serious generalizations, but it's exactly what i'm going through right now, and appears to be a common theme on these boards. My exBPDgf is in a relationship with some dude she met the week before disappearing on me in May. No contact what so ever, then July she started showing up at the gym/stalking me. I confronted her, she tried to create drama with the police which i ignored, now she keeps leaving me voicemails, calling from unknown/blocked numbers etc. All the while, still with the new guy.

[UKharry]

Triangulation. It's what they do. No single person can soothe all of their needs, plus they can't ever "be alone" (not always true, but for most), so they meet someone new, forgo the whole "dating/getting to know stuff" and enter into a relationship with someone they hardly even know. But they miss the familiarity and comfort we provided, so they like to keep in touch, so they have a backup plan for when the new relationship goes south. Those are some serious generalizations, but it's exactly what i'm going through right now, and appears to be a common theme on these boards. My exBPDgf is in a relationship with some dude she met the week before disappearing on me in May. No contact what so ever, then July she started showing up at the gym/stalking me. I confronted her, she tried to create drama with the police which i ignored, now she keeps leaving me voicemails, calling from unknown/blocked numbers etc. All the while, still with the new guy.

Difference here is that she left you. That isn't what happened here. I left the BPD and ignored text/calls for over a month before she stopped trying.Not to sound insensitive,but psychologically people get a dopamine rush when they get a partner that once mistreated them back. I am not sure what you are describing is triangulation.

[Fishmedic]

Well, regardless of whom left whom, you said she sent out 100's of texts and calls, and now she's notifying you that she's met someone else a few
Months later. The definition of triangulation is the addition of a 3rd party to an exisiting relationship. That could even be friends, family etc. So she's met someone new, and she wants you to know about it. She's trying to draw you back in to compete with the "new guy" by the sounds of it.  
My "relationship" has been on and off for 6yrs, and i was for the most part, the one to leave. Until more recently. But that's how she'd draw me back in. Lining someone else up, making sure i knew about it. Unfortunatel, back then i didn't have the distance or clarity i have now.

[UKharry]

Well, regardless of whom left whom, you said she sent out 100's of texts and calls, and now she's notifying you that she's met someone else only a month later. The definition of triangulation is the addition of a 3rd party to an exisiting relationship. That could even be friends, family etc. So she's met someone new, and she wants you to know about it. She's trying to draw you back in to compete with the "new guy" by the sounds of it.  
My "relationship" has been on and off for 6yrs, and i was for the most part, the one to leave. Until more recently. But that's how she'd draw me back in. Lining someone else up, making sure i knew about it. Unfortunatel, back then i didn't have the distance or clarity i have now.

No not a month later 3 months later. Triangulation is about communicating indirectly through a third party. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0 . 6 years? That is just ridiculous to be honest,I have met a few women throughout my life with BPD inadvertently but I don't put up with BS for long.  I was more so wondering the psychology behind it. Nobody that loves or respects you would put you through "competing" at the end of the day you have to love yourself first before you can love someone else. I appreciate the reply and I hope more people chime in. I am interested in the psychology behind it more so than anything else.

[Turkish]

You ignored her successfully for so long (good boundaries), until she told you something to which you finally responded.  I'm not saying bad boundaries here,  you were curious (I'd be also), and you choose to engage in order to get answers on your side,  yes?

Given the 300 texts and 100 phone calls,  it sounds like nothing changed in her emotional state,  but rather the content of her message.  The content triggered you to finally respond.  This might only be triangulating if she is having problems with her current partner. My ex did this to me in the beginning of our r/s with a past boyfriend in order to deal with the emotional issues she wasn't able to resolve just between me and her. Whether it is or isn't,  she's been trying to open up dialog with you,  and now it's open.  BPD is an attachment disorder.  It seems obvious that she is still attached.

You laid down a good boundary: stop talking to the other dude. Your values differ.  Do you want to extricate yourself from this and shut it down,  or continue the dialog between the both of you, and shut it down later?

[UKharry]

You ignored her successfully for so long (good boundaries), until she told you something to which you finally responded.  I'm not saying bad boundaries here,  you were curious (I'd be also), and you choose to engage in order to get answers on your side,  yes?

Given the 300 texts and 100 phone calls,  it sounds like nothing changed in her emotional state,  but rather the content of her message.  The content triggered you to finally respond.  This might only be triangulating if she is having problems with her current partner. My ex did this to me in the beginning of our r/s with a past boyfriend in order to deal with the emotional issues she wasn't able to resolve just between me and her. Whether it is or isn't,  she's been trying to open up dialog with you,  and now it's open.  BPD is an attachment disorder.  It seems obvious that she is still attached.

You laid down a good boundary: stop talking to the other dude. Your values differ.  :)o you want to extricate yourself from this and shut it down,  or continue the dialog between the both of you, and shut it down later?

Let me add some more background info.I originally left the BPD because it was a long distance relationship and I didn't want to meet her again since the first time we met she wasn't behaving. She lives on the other side of Europe.

Fast Forward to this month,she contacts me out of the blue out of a fake number(I blocked her,had to call EE) . She tells me she is happy and met a new guy. Bare in mind this is after I ignore 300+ text and calls around 3-4 months later. I reply and we get to talking. About 2 days in I get sick of her rubbish replies and I tell her that if she doesn't tell her new boyfriend that they are done within 10 minutes I am gone for good. She told me she would end thing with the new guy by wednesday of next week but I told her I wasn't waiting. Anyways, I ended up sending her insults(not unusual for me as I am a hothead so I don't consider this me being triggered )I called her every name in the book before I blocked her. She sent a few messages off fake numbers but I didn't reply. Why she would keep messaging me after all I said? Who knows.

She told me In the past that I  am the only man in her life that has ever abandoned her. What I don't understand is why she would contact me after I ignored her? What was she hoping to accomplish?


@Turkish I want to accomplish a better understanding of myself and the situation. I have been involved with maybe 3 other BPDs in the past. I never let things escalate because of the damage,but I will say that while it does feel good in the beginning, if you aren't a head strong person you will lose parts of yourselves while you are with this person. This particular BPD was ugly so it wasn't as difficult as it could have been.

I feel like an outsider on this forum because it seems like most men here would walk on water to get their BPD back. Most men here their BPD left them,I could have kept this BPD but I got tired of her BS and left fast. I am sure in the BPDs eyes it is much different when they leave in comparison to other people leaving. It may have something to do with control.

My main question is why she would waste her efforts contacting me. At first I felt a bit of jealousy,but then I realized that I was the one that ended things and towards the end I was absolutely disgusted looking at her picture. One a BPD's looks fade,all that is left is the same crappy person with no youth/looks to compensate it.



Edit: Supposedly I triggered her really bad when we were together. She started mutilating herself and taking Seroquel. I have noticed after the anti psychotics that she is acting like she has a mental handicap(laughs alot,thinks slower, acts foolish,just seems like shes retarded now sorry for my french) She doesn't seem like the same person she was when I met her.My opinion is that those pills relieve you by cooking what is left of your brain.

[UKharry]

Just to clarify,the 300 calls/text were all in a one month period. After that it was 4 months of silence before receiving this most recent text.

[Rayban]

Firstly, you should determine for yourself if you do or don't want to keep contact with this woman. Your story is a bit confusing. You say you avoided her for months, then she finds a way to contact you telling you she's found somone else, and then YOU GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM ? Either you or the new guy ... .but you haven't spoken to her in months?. What do you care that she's with somone else?

As to why she contacted you, my guess is basically to see if an attachment is still there.  The jealousy and ultimatum, tells her that yes she still could have you when she wants.  While you're not walking on water, she still could get a rise out of you despite all you know of BPD.  If you truly didn't care and able to handle these relationships you wouldn't care who she's with or what she was doing.  That's not the case. Seems to me that your story is no different then those of other people on this board.  Also why in the world would you willingly get into a relationship with 3 BPD women?

Let her go while you can before she inflicts some serious pain.

[UKharry]

Firstly, you should determine for yourself if you do or don't want to keep contact with this woman. Your story is a bit confusing. You say you avoided her for months, then she finds a way to contact you telling you she's found somone else, and then YOU GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM ? Either you or the new guy ... .but you haven't spoken to her in months?. What do you care that she's with somone else?

As to why she contacted you, my guess is basically to see if an attachment is still there.  The jealousy and ultimatum, tells her that yes she still could have you when she wants.  While you're not walking on water, she still could get a rise out of you despite all you know of BPD.  If you truly didn't care and able to handle these relationships you wouldn't care who she's with or what she was doing.  That's not the case. Seems to me that your story is no different then those of other people on this board.  Also why in the world would you willingly get into a relationship with 3 BPD women?

Let her go while you can before she inflicts some serious pain.

I mean it isn't really an ultimatum. Boundaries are a normal part of human interaction. As to why I have been with 3 women with BPD? They were all kinda casual relationships not real ones honestly.


There is a HUGE difference between someone that has flings with BPD's as opposed to someone that lets BPD's trample them,take their stuff,their house,multiple year relationships.


It's a complicated question on why I am asking on why this BPD is acting the way she is. When I was a young lad there was one particular girl with BPD that I liked(was about 14 years old) She is the one that really left her mark on me. This current pwBPD I am just asking what she gained out of messaging me?This BPD wanted me way more than I liked her,I didn't want to see her at all and she knew it. I ghosted her,she was usually the one pursuing and I grew to really dislike her so i ghosted her and called it.


Maybe it's just my ego that got hurt when she messaged me. Whatever the case may be, I was just trying to get a better mental handle as to why someone would do that.



@rayban Ive bedded over 30 girls and I am 28. For some reason I still get jealous about ALL of them even if they are with someone else . Maybe in my mind they are all still mine? I also have girls left over from my teenage years that I think about regularly,I had a dream about a girl I havent seen in YEARS and the feelings were still there. Anyways,this current BPD i am talking about in OP I know I am not that into her. Like i said,I just want to get a better understanding so I can improve my life.

[Skip]

I feel like an outsider on this forum because it seems like most men here would walk on water to get their BPD back. Most men here their BPD left them... .

Many of the members on the Crises Board (this one) are struggling with abandonment trauma - they were emotionally invested in a relationship where they were idealized in the beginning and devalued at the end. I don't know that everyone wants back in the relationship - many see that the bridges have been burned both ways  - but they do want to resolve the abandonment trauma.  

The definition of triangulation is the addition of a 3rd party to an exisiting relationship.

Triangulation is when 2 people are in conflict and one person goes to a third party and asks for help against the person they are in conflict with. Here is a basic explanation. We all triangulate. There is good triangulation and bad triangulation.
https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/08.htm

I ghosted her, she was usually the one pursuing and I grew to really dislike her so i ghosted her and called it.

This is most likely your answer. You devalued and discarded her. They really messes with people heads.

You mentioned that you gave her an ultimatum which see agreed to, but not on your time line so you trashed her.

You mentioned in another thread that you give people the silent treatment when you decide that they are not worth your time.

My guess is that the ghosting decimated her (As it does anybody) and she found solace by rebounding with another man, but that only covered the hurt for 60-90 days and she tried to resolve the abandonment trauma from you breakup.

My questions to you are:

1. why make the ultimatum? You don't seem to care about her. What was driving you on that?

2. why lash out so aggressively? When you left, you just disappeared. What drove you at this late date to have that level of anger?

3. do you have remorse for the ghosting or the lashing out or are you cool with it?

[UKharry]

@Skip I appreciate the time you took to write a comprehensive response. Let me try to further assist by answering some of your questions as clearly and honestly as I can.


1. why make the ultimatum? You don't seem to care about her. What was driving you on that?

I made the ultimatum because she was delaying getting rid of the other man and it felt like he was using him as leverage.I don't know that I care or don't  care about her as right now my defence mechanism are through the roof. If she ended things with the other man that proves that she is committed to me. I am not going to invest my time in anyone that wants to test my patience by comparing me to inferior men. That isn't going to move me to want to be with someone.

2. why lash out so aggressively? When you left, you just disappeared. What drove you at this late date to have that level of anger?

She had promised me we were going to work things out this last time and I had waited for 3 days. That is ridiculous that after 3 days a person can't get something as basic done when prompted. If she wasn't willing to do something small for me,what is going to happen when I need something big? Shes going to ___ me over thats what. What drove me to that level of anger is that she forced me to ghost her because she was acting like a #@@in lunatic. She started to threaten me if I didn't see her and I had to draw the line.

3. do you have remorse for the ghosting or the lashing out or are you cool with it?

I have no remorse for the ghosting. You do not threaten someone and expect any type of friendly behaviors to come from it. If I say I am going to beat you bloody with a bat you either chose to run or take the beating. I chose to run,why would I feel remorse? She basically sabotaged the relationship until my only two choices were either to submit to her COMPLETELY capricious and unreasonable demands. Or to grow a backbone and walk away. There was no other way to keep the relationship going. At some point you have to say enough abuse is enough. Now I am not saying I am a perfect person because I have my own issues,but if someone is threatening your reputation,your family,your life,ect. There just isn't anyway to negotiate with that. As far as the insults go they were well deserved. I don't feel guilty about this because the only way to stay on a level playing field with the pwBPD is to sometimes play dirty.Does the BPD feel guilty for hurting me or her family(shes married)? NOPE. She doesn't care because for these people its always about me.

After I sent the final text with an insult. I blocked her,and like I said she sent me a few more text later on that day from different numbers. I didn't answer and so far I haven't heard anything.