BPD and dumping

[UKharry]

I have noticed on here almost 90% of the people got dumped by the BPD. Is there anyone on here that dumped a BPD and not the other way around? When I say dump I mean that it was the first try in the relationship and you dumped them and left.

Does it affect the BPD in different ways depending on who does the dumping?

[once removed]

Is there anyone on here that dumped a BPD and not the other way around?

yes. heres a breakdown of members/numbers.

[UKharry]

Wow how did you guys get that information? I didn't even know that type of information existed.

[once removed]

sorry, i meant to include this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=39279

here is a list of all of our surveys for members whos relationships have ended: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301355

[Harley Quinn]

Hi UKHarry,

I left my BPDexbf.  Actually I forced him to leave my home. I went NC after a short time of LC.  He was violent at the end, bringing about my decision to get out. 

You ask how that affects the behaviour?  In my experience, there was a huge concerted effort to regain the r/s on his part.  Desperate.  I read it as a power thing.  My gut tells me that his pleas for me to take him back were driven by the fact he would have liked to draw me back in to be the one to end it.  Fear of abandonment led him to prefer to be the dumper than the dumpee it appeared.  When I was split blacker than black I read statements in his messages like "It was over for me since... ." on several occasions and plenty of reasons why I was the worst thing that ever happened to him.  Grappling with having the final say in things I felt.   

The voicemails (mobile and landline), texts, new phone numbers calling when each was blocked (lost count at about 6) and then withheld calls were like a river when the banks have burst initially.  Hundreds.  Sometimes to that volume in a day.  He was persistent.  They gradually faded to a few every couple of weeks, then silence until the next desperate plea.  In the end I drew the line, sent one VERY clear message that I wanted no further contact again, it was over, wished him well and finally I got through to him.  There were two isolated messages after that and nothing since.  I never answer a call from a private number now, just to be sure. 

Hope that helps a little with your question.

Love and light x   

[UKharry]

Hi UKHarry,

I left my BPDexbf.  Actually I forced him to leave my home. I went NC after a short time of LC.  He was violent at the end, bringing about my decision to get out. 

You ask how that affects the behaviour?  In my experience, there was a huge concerted effort to regain the r/s on his part.  Desperate.  I read it as a power thing.  My gut tells me that his pleas for me to take him back were driven by the fact he would have liked to draw me back in to be the one to end it.  Fear of abandonment led him to prefer to be the dumper than the dumpee it appeared.  When I was split blacker than black I read statements in his messages like "It was over for me since... ." on several occasions and plenty of reasons why I was the worst thing that ever happened to him.  Grappling with having the final say in things I felt.   

The voicemails (mobile and landline), texts, new phone numbers calling when each was blocked (lost count at about 6) and then withheld calls were like a river when the banks have burst initially.  Hundreds.  Sometimes to that volume in a day.  He was persistent.  They gradually faded to a few every couple of weeks, then silence until the next desperate plea.  In the end I drew the line, sent one VERY clear message that I wanted no further contact again, it was over, wished him well and finally I got through to him.  There were two isolated messages after that and nothing since.  I never answer a call from a private number now, just to be sure. 

Hope that helps a little with your question.

Love and light x   

Thanks for the reply,I imagine that it took a good deal of strength to handle the situation like you did. Hopefully in the future I will be able to follow in your footsteps and do the same. It seems like I always find myself in the same situation over and over again even if it's with different people.

[Harley Quinn]

It seems like I always find myself in the same situation over and over again even if it's with different people.

I hear you on that.  I've been down the same road before numerous times.  Have a tendency to get drawn into destructive relationships... .  Still, this last one has done a lot for me in many respects and I see it as a turning point in my life.  I believe we're all worthy of that.  There's a big difference between a difficult ending and an exciting new beginning full of possibility.  It's all about perspective I guess.  Helps when the pain has stopped of course! 

Sorry to hear that you've had patterns that haven't served you also.  The positive here is recognition of that, which presents you with choices.  Do let us know how best we can support you.  The lessons and self help materials here  are a great place to begin some helpful thought processes.  The Learning board is also a wonderful forum for self reflection and breaking things down further when you're ready.  I wish you well on your path and we'll be here for you along the way.

Love and light x

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I divorced my uBPDh after close to twenty years together. It's a long story how I got there and I've written about it on other threads.

In my case, his BPD/NPD behavior got much much worse after I told him I filed for divorce. He went ballistic! He went into frequent rages. He repeatedly tried to blantant alientate the kids against me. He tried to take away my support system by telling lies about me to my mother and friends. He would physically intimidate me for the first time in all the years we'd been together. He's over a foot taller than me. He would tower over me in a rage inches from my face daring me to hit him. I would calmly tell him he's in my personal space and I would ask him to please back away. He wouldn't. He escalated, daring me to hit him. I would then just put my hands in my pockets and back away.

It's been over two years since I filed, over a year since the divorce was final and his BPD/NPD behavior is much more noticeable now. He seems to go Jekyll and Hyde more often. He rages at me (in writing) over what I believe to be small matters and seems to use it to bring up the entire past history of how I ruined his life, how horrible of a person I am (abuser, liar, immoral, unethical, prude, incapable of feeling anything, etc), he'll call me every name in the book, he'll physically turn his back on me or leave the room at school events, then he'll act nice the next day (in writing) like nothing ever happened, especially if he wants something from me. The minute I try to stand up for myself, he escalates making it much worse. Apparently I'm supposed to take his abuse and accept it because I deserve it, according to him. That's where I learned to go gray rock and BIFF. Most of the time I now ignore his rants and only deal with important things regarding the kids.  He seems to have an inflated sense of entitlement and double standards. I'm amazed at his blatant hypocrisy sometimes.

I think that his behavior was more noticeable or increased because I stopped managing his emotions and I stopped doing everything he wanted me to do. I started to stand up for myself and tried really hard to be nice, civil, polite as much as I could. I put down boundaries which he tried to stomp all over and would go into rages when I enforced them. It didn't seem to matter how nice I was about it. It didn't seem to matter how hard I worked to make the divorce as easy on him as I possibly could. He seemed to always find fault with something I did or said. No matter how many times I tried to explain what I was thinking, feeling to him... he turned it around back to himself and how he didn't understand why I was leaving him. I even tried to enlist the help of several marriage counselors. It never worked. He may not have been actively listening or something. I don't know. He claims I never explained or told him why I left when I know for a fact (with the counselors present) I really tried to explain it to him. I even wrote him an email about it. He still claims he doesn't know why I left him. So I stopped trying.

[confused4now]

I am divorcing my BPD husband now. I do not think it makes much of a difference . I think what I am feeling is abandonment . I feel like he left emotionally a long time ago, and its just gotten so bad that I can not take it anymore. In my pain, I wonder if this might have felt better if I did not have to watch him treat me a little worse everyday. It is so painful to be with someone who does not care to fight for the marriage. He would say time and time again, he was committed , but it only got worse. Actually the mind games are the worse. I have to remind myself of all the lies and realize he made me do the hard part. I will never get closure and doubt myself a lot. My husband has not ever made me feel like he is loosing someone he loves, just mad that he is loosing all the benefits of marriage. I feel like he just had not secured and better source. I know he was looking, but I think he wanted to move up the food chain. I just could not take the pain of knowing he was gone. He never asked what he could do. Now he seems ok, he is moving out tomorrow and giving me what I am asking for. This feels awful too. I think it is just so painful no matter what, I fight myself to contact him, I want him to draw me in, I want it to work. I just  know it won't. 

[SummerStorm]

My former friend hates to be left/dumped.  That being said, she always tries to recycle or at least befriend every ex eventually, but when someone breaks up with her, she will do and say anything to get the person back.  In February 2016, a guy she was dating just stopped replying to her.  She was depressed for days, kept commenting on his FB posts, telling him that he was the only man in the world for her.  She did eventually start dating a new guy but dumped him as soon as the other guy took her back.  Two weeks later, she broke up with him and then went back to the other guy and said that he was her soulmate and she shouldn't have broken up with him, etc.  It was like she needed to go back in time and break up with him, to make herself feel better.  When other guys have broken up with her, she will lie in bed for days and post about how her world is falling apart.  But when she breaks up with someone, she's usually in a new relationship within a few days.

I think some of this goes back to how the pwBPD is usually on a completely different page than his or her partner.  Often, they've emotionally left the relationship weeks or months before they actually end the relationship.  When they are blindsided and dumped without warning, that triggers them a lot more.