How guilty should I feel/How hard should I try?

[Yaffle]

My relationship with my uBPD GF is just coming to an end.  I'm searching for somewhere to rent that is big enough for me and the 2 kids when its my turn to have them.

GF has no job but is staying in our house and so will need to pay the mortgage and other bills.  Currently if I pay her the level of maintenance I think I can reasonably afford while still giving myself enough money to provide a home for myself and the kids she will not have enough income to pay the bills and eat etc.  If however she got a job for just 2 days a week, with the benefit system here in the UK she should have enough money for a decent lifestyle.

She's told me that  she's applied for hundreds of jobs but has had no luck but I'm not convinced she's tried that hard.  She's only been looking on one website I believe and has only applied for work that she thinks is suitable and won't apply for anything different. 

I'm not sure what I should think or feel about the situation.  I do feel sorry for her a bit but I don't want to be paying too much for her to have a relatively comfortable life while I could only afford to live in scummy accommodation that wouldn't be suitable for the kids

Thanks

Yaffle

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I believe you feel whatever it is you feel and no one should tell you how you "should" feel. Your feelings are your own. Also, I understand the situation you're in sounds really tough.

Having said that, your GF is an adult and is responsible for herself including getting a job and finding a way to make ends meet. I believe helping her out financially is a good thing for the kids' sake but not to the point to where you are struggling to survive just so that she can live the lifestyle she wants. I hope that helps.

[Mutt]

Having said that, your GF is an adult and is responsible for herself including getting a job and finding a way to make ends meet.

I agree with I_Am_The_Fire.  Sometimes I felt codependent guilt and other times my exuBPDw made me feel guilty from FOG, does the guilt come from within or is she making you feel guilty from the things that she says?

Either way, maybe try analyzing where the guilt is coming from, as a codependent, I naturally felt like I had to fix things for my exuBPD things that she really should be doing on her own. You can learn about FOG, spot it and understand why a pwBPD illicit guilty feelings, you can learn to depersonalize it.

My advice is don't rescue and get a court order for maintenance and custody, get it in black and white, you don't want he said she said in court.

[Yaffle]

Thank you both for replying.  As you say she is an adult and should be able to look after herself.  I wouldn't mind helping out if things are tight and I can afford it but at some point I've got to make sure I am ok.  I've got a position in mind that I'd be relatively comfortable with that I think is pretty generous to her but she was making demands this morning way beyond that.  She's not even seen a solicitor yet to know where things are.  After talking to a solicitor myself I could make things a lot tougher for her, more by luck than judgement but I don't want to do that.  Just want to come through with something I'm comfortable with.

[Mutt]

I've got a position in mind that I'd be relatively comfortable with that I think is pretty generous to her but she was making demands this morning way beyond that

You'll probably get more demands if things get tougher for her.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Yaffle,

I also agree with I_Am_The_Fire here.  She can take herself to CAB to talk about her finances and what support she can seek.  You must be able to support yourself and of course you want to ensure that your children are taken care of.  How old are they?  There are tax credits and free childcare funding she may qualify for.  Don't forget child benefit too.  That is there to ensure that parents can meet costs.  There are always options for her, and CAB can go through these with her.  Did you know that you can go online to a maintenance calculator which will give a suggested amount that is reasonable for her to expect? 

I did that when I asked my ex to leave and put that amount to him, also sending him all the information and guidance on maintenance arrangements.  There's a downloadable form to write down your agreement if you're arranging this yourselves.  I'd suggest that you get something in writing so that you have evidence if anything does go to court.  Of course, it's up to you if you go over and above the agreement, but at least she would not be able to deny what you agreed as your base line.

https://www.gov.uk/arranging-child-maintenance-yourself

Good luck with it all.

Love and light x

[Yaffle]

Thank you I had seen the online calculator and the amount expected on 60/40 custody was about what I'd be prepared to pay even though I'd like 50/50 custody in the longer term.  If she got a part time job or went self employed she'd probably be fine for money but just this morning she demanded I pay for the boiler to be serviced (not due till January) as if the house isn't warm enough its neglect (by me obviously) even though I doubt I'll be there then.  Pah!

[Mutt]

Have you talked to your solicitor about custody? If you settle 60/40 it might be really hard to change that because the judge usually look at how things currently are and balk at changing the children's routine.

Why not start at 50/50?

Unless you're the 60%? Are you?

[Yaffle]

Personally I would like 50/50 but thinking if she's still in the house we've had all along plus the kids do live her (and me)to bits it may be easier if they spend more time in their usual home.