Maintaining no contact? At all costs?

[Owen]

Might take a minute to explain my story but I'll be as concise as possible:

After a horribly harassing and abusive chain of phone calls and texts following our breakup, I went complete NC with my uBPDex for the last three months.

We have a public event we both need to attend in the coming weeks, and this will be the first time I will see her in person since the breakup.

It was found that I have an item belonging to her that she wants back. I found this out by having her leave me a voicemail and text me to tell me so, through another friend's phone (her number is blocked). Knowing that we're going to be seeing each other soon, I decided to simply bring the item to this public event, but not respond to her messages or engage in any capacity; I don't want to talk to her. Talking to her in any capacity since the breakup has only led to more abuse, regardless of the circumstance or how kind or friendly I was trying to be, something has always turned around to be grounds for terrible behavior from her.

Having not responded to her, she's contacted my friends and had a family member of hers phone and text me to try to get me to confirm I will return this item. I also did not respond to her family member in any capacity. I'm concerned that if I let my uBPDex know she can contact me through others, that she will use that for evil too just as she used having access to my phone number and social media accounts to harass and abuse me. And, it seems like an awfully large scale mission of hers to simply have me say "yes I do in fact have your item and I will bring this to you". I'm wondering if there's more behind it - some kind of drama she subconsciously (or consciously even) wants to create and use this item return as an excuse.

I am feeling guilty about not responding however. Her family member has outright called me rude in a voicemail, but in all other interactions has otherwise been kind to me in the time I knew him; that being said, he's completely condoned her horrible and abusive behavior to my face - and to me, there's no amount of "niceness" on one side that can make up for condoning some of the things she has said and done to me on the other.

So this seems odd that I feel guilty about maintaining the cold No Contact with her, and with anybody she uses to contact me in place of her - because I feel completely justified intellectually about going NC (especially since in this instance she will end up getting her item regardless). But I feel badly about it too. I don't really know what I'm asking here, more just sharing and looking for general advice or responses about this.

It's a situation that makes me feel very tense a lot when I think about it.

Thanks for listening -

Owen

[Lost-love-mind]

I have same situation with a PROBABLY run into my exBPD at a public event.
She has items that I would like back but after 2 months of NC on her part, and then a string of abusive emails from her with vile name calling, I gave up.
The exBPD likes the control after breakup.
I'm tired of giving it to her.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Owen,

So this seems odd that I feel guilty about maintaining the cold No Contact with her, and with anybody she uses to contact me in place of her - because I feel completely justified intellectually about going NC (especially since in this instance she will end up getting her item regardless). But I feel badly about it too. I don't really know what I'm asking here, more just sharing and looking for general advice or responses about this.

The NC is not about her.  It is about you taking care of your own need for space, in order to benefit your well being.  Try to remember that going NC isn't about hurting her, being cold or rude.  It's about putting yourself first - a right that you have and deserve.  So with that in mind and the fact that she's recruiting family members to speak for her who are also being demanding on her behalf I believe that NC is a wise move on your part and an opportunity to restore peace and ease in your life, allowing you to heal and focus on your own needs.  Let go of the guilt.

Love and light x 

[spacecadet]

It's understandable your wanting to be strict about NC after your split, sorry you've been through this abuse.

This probably comes down to personal preference, but I don't think it's unreasonable to respond to her or a go-between that you'll bring her item. Is it possible you could leave it for her at the concierge desk so you don't need to engage her? You might convey this also via text to telegraph that you do not expect/wish to engage with her, then give her a wide berth at the event.

[Owen]

but I don't think it's unreasonable to respond to her or a go-between that you'll bring her item.

My concern with that is mainly regarding boundaries - I'm worried that since I've already told her we have nothing left to say to each other and had gone no contact, that by responding through her friends or family I will be encouraging to her that, "if you want to get in touch with me enough, you can do it through them."

I really want her to just leave me alone. I've never experienced such vile verbal and emotional abuse before and my heart races any time I see that she's tried to reach out to me in any way. I really just want her out of my life and I'm hoping that perhaps by being 100% firm on my No Contact boundary, that she may eventually learn that there's no point in trying to reach out, and I can finally have my emotional peace with her and get off the twisted roller coaster ride of venom and love.

And Harley, I hear you completely regarding the NC being about my own need for space. I guess for whatever reason putting myself first, firmly, with no room to budge in this instance makes me question whether that's fair or kind, since based on the lengths she's going to to get through to me this clearly is a big deal to her.

(Then I remember everything is always a big deal to her and that's a major part of the problem in the first place).

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Owen,

My ex asked his father to text me once.  I did reply to his father to say that if he requested this from him in future to please decline as I had no wish to keep in contact in any way and I'd appreciate it if he respected this also.  I didn't hear from his father again apart from the instant reply that stated he understood.  Maybe that is an option if you continue to hear from her family members, unless you feel that they too feed into the chaos.  I didn't know his father at all as we'd never met so gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Regards the item she wants you to return, could you post this to her or simply pass it to a friend or family member of hers to hand over on your behalf?  If you were able to do this before the event then it would remove her excuse to approach or engage you in any way on the day.

I guess for whatever reason putting myself first, firmly, with no room to budge in this instance makes me question whether that's fair or kind, since based on the lengths she's going to to get through to me this clearly is a big deal to her.

(Then I remember everything is always a big deal to her and that's a major part of the problem in the first place).

That's a wise observation and one we can so easily miss if we're emotionally drawn into the drama.  It's good you're able to step back and view things in a more detached and logical way.  Questioning your own fairness and kindness is also a reflection of the fair and kind individual you are.  These are clearly values to you and it can cause us real discomfort to go against these.  I understand.  However, your final point underlines that sometimes we have to prioritise our values and there are others at play here that take precedent.  Namely peace in your life, protecting yourself from turmoil and looking after your emotional health.

Hold strong.  You're doing great.

Love and light x

[LastSamurai]

Owen, yes, maintain NC at all costs. FedEx her property to her home. Her wanting her item back is only a trap to charm you. Think about it... .I don't care if I left a pair of  $300 Salvatore Ferragamo's at my ex's house. She can keep it. No contact is no contact.