clvrnn, we don't have any control over what others do, however we do have total control over ourselves and how we choose to think, feel and behave. We can decide what we do now. What I hear is you focusing on her, and her action of changing the number. How can you turn that attention to yourself? It sounds like you could use some attention from you right now.
Thanks for replying, HQ. I no longer feel upset about the change of number. I feel it to be probably the best thing that could have happened for my own sanity - I am not waiting for her to contact me, neither do I slip up and contact her. I wouldn't want unexpected contact at this stage.
Turning the attention inwards... .has been quite difficult. I go through bouts of being very motivated and committed to self-improvement, to being completely devastated.
you still see a T and are they helping you with the abandonment issues? With this self awareness what steps are you taking to work on the ways that these issues affect you?
I don't see one anymore, no. I found it a very strange experience, if I'm honest. Perhaps I just hadn't found the right therapist. It's not something I've ruled out, but I am just taking a break from it. At times it felt very heavy and draining, and I felt like the pain I was going through was enough to carry and sort through.
I have decided to take six months out of any form of dating to explore myself and to try to get myself on an even keel as best I can... .to develop a sense of who I am.
How effective is distraction for you when you go through these feelings? If you struggle to sit with the feelings, then I'd encourage you to find something that you are soothed by, then do it. Do it a lot if needs be and gradually allow yourself allocated time to let the feelings come up then release them. This stuff takes work and for that you need to commit to yourself and your own well being. It's not easy, but worthwhile and can have major benefits to your life going forwards.
Distraction is hard at times. Rumination is very difficult to snap out of, for me. I am starting to understand the simple things that alter my mood, though. If I am in bed and I feel low, the simple act of moving to another room can change my mood immensely. Also exercise lifts my mood and makes me feel very confident.
Reading this thread after a break from it has shown me that I've made progress. To see that I was doing things like buying alcohol (I'd never do that now) and the way I was speaking about how I felt shows that I was in such a dark place. I felt that I wasn't making any progress but I am. It's just very slow. I still have urges to speak to her, but reading this thread and seeing how horribly she used to respond reminds me that I don't want to be at the mercy of her cutting words/actions anymore. 
