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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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confusedbloke
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« on: September 07, 2017, 06:10:05 PM »

Why would someone not wanna be with someone? Why do the push away... .I just don't get why they can be so cold... .
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« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2017, 11:58:31 PM »

Why not be with someone? Our culture thinks that unless we're paired with someone we're not happy? Men and women compliment each other well but you don't necessarily have to have a r/s, maybe a partner crossed a certain threshold that was a deal breaker? There can be a number if reasons why we wouldn't want to be with someone just as there many reasons why we'd want to be with someone.

A criterion for BPD is a fear of abandonment and a fear of engulfment, one fear is triggered by by the distance in the r/s that they feel or perceive and they pull, the other fear is triggered when they feel like their sense of self is being annihilated by the closeness of the r/s so a pwBPD will push.

I completely understand how invalidating it deeels when your feelings are not validated excuse of your partners actions / behaviours towards you. The best way that I can put myself in a owBPD's perspective is thinking about how depression feels and how selfish I can become because getting through a day can be a real struggle, I'm really focused on myself and I forget about the needs and boundaries of people that are close to me. If you flip that around and you're on the receiving end of that I can see how that would feel cold, the other person has no idea of my inner turmoil / struggles unless I've told them, they have to be able to empathize with that too though.

What idea or memory prompted you to ask this question?
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confusedbloke
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« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2017, 06:31:23 AM »

Hi Mutt,

So if youre close to them they hate it and if youre away from them they do?  That sounds completely true... .utter paradox!

I can see your depression analogy... .  That makes a lot of sense and is quite relieving to hear that.  Yes Ive had depression and I understand that nothing else matters... .

I just asked because she wanted this r/s so much  - or so she said I can only describe my ex as glenn close from fatal attraction.  She was abs obsessed.  It was too much.  Whoever i talked to or smiled at or anything would be met with fury.  I actually watched fatal attraction to try and "research"... .  She wasn't quite at the bunny boiling phase... .  but wasn't far off!

I was in the local pub last night, talking to the guys that go in there and they were saying that Im a nice lad and a lady in there said "youre a good looking lad, youll meet someone lovely coz youre a nice man".  That was nice to hear... .and it made me think what she used to say about these people in a pub...   "They aint your friends, they're just people that talk to you and then dont think about you"... .  That was her whole attitude to life.  She wanted me away from my friends... .she used to try sexual things toward me if I was having fun with my kids... .Just to lure me away from them... .It was as if I had to focus 100% attention on her, and if I didnt there was hell to pay.

I like those people in the pub... .and after going in there for 3 years, i would actually class them as friends... .

She hated me doing anything that wasn't about her... .  If I could go back 2.5 years now, and when I saw her, knowing what I know now... .I would stay well clear... .

The ultimate kick in the teeth is how I met her.  I was 6 months out of a marriage, feeling great, new life, full of excitement, lost a lot of weight and looking good.  I saw her in the local pub and thought wow shes stunning... .so I just went over and started talking to her... .  And because of the way that I met her, she thought I did that to every woman I saw... .  I mean its ridiculous!  So she hated me for the way I "pulled" her... .  What man can ever win against that mindset... .?

I dunno... .shes kinda messed me up... .  And all I get is texts like "you treated me like s**t"... . 

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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2017, 07:54:16 AM »

Hi confusedbloke,

Mutt has answered your OP well, so I won't add to this unless you have any further questions?

Excerpt
What man can ever win against that mindset... .?

It is frustrating I know.  What I will add here is that no one wins in a BPD relationship.  All that each partner can do is compromise, accept, understand, learn and meet in the middle.  It is never going to be a 'normal' relationship as at least one individual involved will have to be working continually to maintain a base level.  Therapy equips a pwBPD with new tools to manage their emotional responses and these have to be used, which requires commitment.  It's hard and takes a great deal of work.  For it to work as best it can, it would take for both to be making concerted ongoing efforts to look at their part in things.

Excerpt
And all I get is texts like "you treated me like s**t"... . 

How do you feel when you receive these texts?  Perhaps you could put a boundary in place about what you are prepared to listen to if she wishes to communicate with you.  If it is constructive and not attacking you on a personal level then you will listen.  The boundary could be on yourself - maybe get someone else to read them and tell you if it's something you need to hear?  Alternatively or if this doesn't work you could consider going NC.  This works for some to give us some time and distance from the r/s to process - as you clearly are doing, without the wound continually being reopened.  It allows an opportunity to turn our attention to ourselves and being kind to us, which is important when we are healing.

Have you read the following article on NC?  It's not a 'one size fits all' solution, however if you enter into it for the right reasons, then it can be a healthy decision in the short term in order to take care of your own needs and work on your detaching.  I found it really helpful to check what my motivation was and know it was the right decision for me.  Each of us knows our situation best and what works best for us.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Love and light x

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« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2017, 10:00:38 AM »

I like those people in the pub... .and after going in there for 3 years, i would actually class them as friends... .

At one point I had similar thoughts, I wish I hadn't met my, I can't change that, there were a lot of valuable things to take away from that r/s. Harley Quinn mentioned a reciprocal r/s and healthy characteristics of a r/s. If you take this one thing, she's basically saying to not spend all of your time with one person, I'm not saying to be in a romantic r/s with more than one person  Have friends and spend time with them as well as family, if you spend all of your time with a pwBPD you're going to get nothing but negative feedback, they're hurt but a pwBPD need professional help, we can't give them that.

If you're listening to a lot of negative feedback it doesn't paint a true picture of who you are, it's distortion, you need people that are supportive that will provide you with positive feedback about, hang out with your friends.
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confusedbloke
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« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2017, 10:42:37 AM »

Yeah that's totally true. I'm a really nice bloke... .I pride myself on being that way... .I look up to my uncle. He's a great guy, great family man and just amazing. I try to be like him. Even my ex wife loves me still... .in a friendly way! And she cant believe the person I've become. I just wanted to treat a girl better than I did my ex wife. I wasn't a caring husband and I list her because of that. But she knows I'm a good person... it just want meant to be. So this time I wanted to be attentive and sort if make amends I guess. So I was really nice to ex BPDgf... .but her demands became so much and she turned me insane... .I completely lost my mind and yes, she was always telling me that I didn't do this or that... .but I ended up completely mirroring her personality... .I became her. Bitter, twisted, angry, Moody, and not a nice person... .that's totally not me... .kinda feel that my world is empty now... .I'm sure it'll get better. Just hard at the mo
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2017, 03:11:20 PM »

Excerpt
I just wanted to treat a girl better than I did my ex wife. I wasn't a caring husband and I list her because of that. But she knows I'm a good person... it just want meant to be. So this time I wanted to be attentive and sort if make amends I guess.

I think there's a really good lesson here for many of us, I'd expect.  That we cannot fix a past relationship in a new one.  

It's good to change our behaviours for the better, in the right context and at the right time.  I suppose it's hard if we look back at past relationships and wish we'd done things differently not to allow that to consume the way we enter into a new one.  

At the end of the day we must still listen to our instincts and be ourselves, have our boundaries therefore not letting go of our values.  I recognise having done this myself and tried to overcompensate for past errors, whilst all the while coming under fire and thinking that if I still try to do the things I didn't the last time it would turn out OK.  Guess we can't lose sight of the differences between the individuals and whether our actions are appropriate.  I've believed if I just try harder this time, accept more, understand more... .whilst letting go of all the things I hold dear - about me!  We live and learn though, hey?  That's what it's all about.

That and rebuilding ourselves the way we choose.  It will get better.  You can make it so.

Love and light x
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confusedbloke
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« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2017, 05:41:17 AM »

Hi Harley,

I hear what you are saying.  Im just struggling at the moment as my heart is utterly broken.  All I keep thinking about is the nice side of her and in reality that was just one side of her.  She was so nasty to me, and in turn i became nasty to her.  We seem to keep texting each other aswell.  I just cant stop.  Im longing for her, but I dont really want her.

I dont get why Im being this way.  I just could not be back with her, but Im missing her so much.  I feel really quite alone, and i just cant stop thinking about her.
Ive not once asked her to come back to me... .  I just dont know what I want at the moment. I just miss her, even though I know she is pure toxin for my system.
I have a feeling today will be the first day where we dont text each other.  Shes moved on and im still in limbo.  It kinda feels like it used to do when she would ignore me for days on end.  Its that same tormented feeling and I hate it.

I just dont know what to do with myself... .  So sad at the moment and its good to be able to tell you good folk... .  Gets it off my chest I guess.  She texted yesterday that "I loved you and always will" and that it will take her a long time to get me out of her system... . 

I get messages like that and it just makes it worse.  I don't know what to do when she texts, because based on my own views, I think its rude not to text back... .  She found it very easy to ignore me for days, but I just cant do that... .  I'm broken... .completely
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« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2017, 08:01:43 AM »

Im just struggling at the moment as my heart is utterly broken.  All I keep thinking about is the nice side of her and in reality that was just one side of her.  She was so nasty to me, and in turn i became nasty to her.  We seem to keep texting each other aswell.  I just cant stop.  Im longing for her, but I dont really want her.

I dont get why Im being this way.  I just could not be back with her, but Im missing her so much.  I feel really quite alone, and i just cant stop thinking about her.


Wow. Exactly the way I feel at 3 mos. Since a breakup with a gorgeous BPD that I only had a 2 month relationship. Why?
I've taken all sorts of suggestions on this board and started :
1. a physical labor job part time. (im an advanced degreed professional  & a narcissist according to her).
2.Tomorrow I rejoin the Celebrate Recovery group at a Christian church that I haven't attended in a year.
3. Have a small support group of friends willing to listen.
I'm eating and sleeping better.

But , I still think of her continuously, even having imaginary conversation with her in my head. Sick.

Started contemplating getting a tattoo (im 57, she was 10 yrs younger and old gothic girl). Someway to connect? Sick.

She is gone and totally went nc on me despite an attempt on my part to reconnect and be friends. Her email response was insulting and vile.

When will she stop renting space in my head
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Mutt
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« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2017, 10:03:13 AM »

confusedbloke,

I can relate with that feeling too, Harley Quinn gave you a good article on how to go no contact, I suggest that you do that to start detaching and to start healing.

BPD is a serious mental illness, it's up to the emotionally stable partner to set boundaries, your ex cannot look out for what is best for you, you have to do that.
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confusedbloke
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« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2017, 04:06:48 PM »

I do need to detach now. I guess because of all the break up / make up cycles it still feels like it's one of them. But it is over and I need to come to terms with that. Deep down I knew she wasn't right. All the things she's done...   but weirdly you block all that out and focus on the brief time she was nice...
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2017, 04:15:13 PM »

Excerpt
All the things she's done...   but weirdly you block all that out and focus on the brief time she was nice...

You're not alone there.  Many of us have done that.  My exBPDbf was violent and some of the behaviours he demonstrated to keep me in the FOG were deeply traumatic, however I still remembered all the things that made me love him.  It's part of the process.  Letting go and turning that love towards yourself is hard.  I remind myself that nothing worth having in life comes easy.  This journey is a bumpy one and one so well worth travelling.

We're here for you along the road.

Love and light x
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confusedbloke
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« Reply #12 on: September 10, 2017, 04:30:04 PM »

Hey thanks Harley. I read that link. It's all so true. I know it. I know thats what i need to do. I have thought about her solidly for 2.5 years. I guess it an old habit I need to break. She was simply nuts. Utterly crazy. But because I've been in that crazy world, it is now my normality. I need to move on now as I know I couldn't go on with her anyway
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« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2017, 04:31:28 PM »

Deep down I knew she wasn't right. All the things she's done...  but weirdly you block all that out and focus on the brief time she was nice...

If you think about the bad vs the good times, the good times are very small windows compared to the bad times.

Detaching is a process, it takes time but know that we'll walk with you through this.
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« Reply #14 on: September 10, 2017, 04:36:56 PM »

Thanks mutt. It's quite an overwhelming feeling. And the bad times were every week for 4 days. I guess I need to focus on that?
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« Reply #15 on: September 10, 2017, 04:41:42 PM »

It is overwhelming, yes.  What I found to my relief (of the hurt feelings I had) was that soon enough I began to relax.  To actually value my time, my space, the lack of drama and anxiety.  Within a short while of going NC I noticed that I was able to laugh again and can remember telling others I felt I had my sense of humour back... .And others commented on how I seemed to be returning to my old self.  Only then did I really see how much the r/s had taken out of me.  It goes upwards from there.  You can do this. 

Love and light x
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« Reply #16 on: September 10, 2017, 04:47:15 PM »

Thanks Harley. Ha... .Yeah that's exactly where I am now. When I met her she in the process of breaking up with her bf... .well I think, anyway... who knew with her! He sent her a text saying "if you don't pick them up, I'll drown your cats". I remember being horrified by what he said... .but I said similar things to her also. She had sent me completely insane... .and the fact that he said that just makes me think she had that effect... it's who she is... .I cannot believe what I have put up with... .
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