How not to be the Rescuer?

[BetterTimes]

I'm not sure if anyone in my scenario has BPD but I suspect the Karpman Drama Triangle is happening, or close to it. I'd be the Rescuer :-( Actually, my partner is in DBT and he's told me he *doesn't* have BPD, but that the behaviours he is working to change are very similar.

I'm in a long distance relationship and it's been just over three years. When I met my partner he'd been separated from his wife for ten years, and was ending a four year relationship with someone else. His wife worked overseas and he was raising the kids through their teen years. She came home for visits only and they had separate bedrooms. After I'd known him a few months, she was transferred back to the US and moved back into the house, into her wing of the house. It was going to be temporary and she'd move back overseas where she wanted to locate permanently and he thought they'd drift into divorce and property settlement once the kids had left home, like some friends had done.

Then she got breast cancer and he nursed her through a double mastectomy and chemotherapy. The overseas job evaporated during this time, so she has decided she's stuck with the marriage. They don't sleep together, they argue constantly and the home is like a war zone. She knows about me, but pretends I don't exist. He lost his job in mass layoff at the start of the year, has a disability and had only recently returned to work. Until he gets work again he doesn't have money for a divorce lawyer, or rent or living expenses, or health insurance and he's afraid to leave the kids with her.

He has introduced me to his friends over the years, and there are some who are like family, who he's been close to since college. They also knew his wife before they got married. The basic picture is, she has always been violent (throws things, yells, makes a scene in public) and they have witnessed her threaten to harm/kill the children if he leaves. He feels really out of control of the situation. I can see that he is in the victim role, and she is in the perpetrator role.

His friends and family are so frustrated. Not only because of the domestic abuse but also because he doesn't look after his health and they're scared he's going to die (diabetes, kidney disease, heart disease). I know he's scared too. Sometimes when she verbally attacks him, he leaves the phone on and I can hear her. She goes on about how useless he is. And then he yells back at her. The kids are really affected by it.

Because our relationship is long distance, he was able to hide a lot of this from me for quite a while. As the relationship has developed, I have begun to get more involved. I realise I'm in a serious situation. I know I need to be willing to let him go if he is really not going to manage his life. However, unsurprisingly, I'm very emotionally involved. I love him so much, he's my best friend. Whenever we spend time together we're so happy. Being in a relationship with him has been transformative for me. Because we are both working therapeutically to look after our emotional health, we have a beautiful and richly growthful love. We have and are surviving a lot of difficult things - more than I've written about here. We talk every day, for about an hour. I realise now that one of the things I have been is his 'time out' from the hell he's living in. He feels trapped because of the kids and money. He's working with a therapist. He's been to a financial adviser and lawyer and has a plan. He's started preparing the kids and his family. He's re-training to re-enter work in a more secure field. The job he had for six months had health insurance and was going to be his ticket out. It was so cruel when he got laid off.

I want to help. I just don't want to do more harm than good by sliding into rescuing. And I care so much I'm not sure I can tell if I'm doing it or not. I am also a survivor of (two) abusive relationships, and I see a counsellor and work consistently on my emotional and mental health. I think I'm doing ok and I've 'got' this, but I'm not sure how to tell? Can anyone help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BetterTimes]

Hey I said something in my last post that I'm not feeling ok about - I think I over dramatised it. When I said friends have witnessed her threaten to harm/kill the children - I don't want to set off an unnecessary alarm. This was fifteen years ago, not recently.

I will own, that I have a need to de-legitimise their relationship because I am in love with him, and that may drive me to overdo seeing her as evil.

It doesn't change it that I do believe she is harmfully abusive. I will keep reading on this site and work through the lessons. Thanks for being here. I'm feeling a bit messy at the moment, I'm sure it will get better.

[heartandwhole]

Hi 



Welcome to the community. I'm glad you reached out. This sounds like a challenging situation, and I commend you for the personal insight you bring to what you are experiencing. I can understand falling easily into the Rescuer position of the triangle. Especially from what you've described.

It sounds like you are attempting to adopt the Caring position on the Winning Triangle:

Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer  and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us -  simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer  has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory.

The domestic abuse is very unsettling, especially when children are involved. Has he reached out to local resources for help? That is what we would encourage him to do, if he were reporting this kind of behavior. I can understand why you want to be there for him, when he is in such a chaotic environment. It's important, too, to make sure that you are fulfilled in the relationship. It's not enough, in my opinion, to be the sounding board and "rock." 

The relationship being long distance, how much time do you get to spend together in person? 

Is he planning to separate from his wife after things become more settled?

Keep posting. We are here for you.

heartandwhole