Sitting Duck

[pearlsw]

Sorry, I never properly introduced myself, but you may have noticed me around. I showed up during a crisis, and my story has spilled out in bits and pieces. Here I am again at a moment of stress. Just want to vent and ground myself in reality. He is upset today. He's at work. I am feeling like a sitting duck. Four hours to go. I know he will come home and be upset. He is upset already. He is trying to control my counseling - counseling I need after years with him. He really doesn't get how counseling works and he also controls (some on purpose/some by default) well, pretty much almost everything in my life.

I met with my online counselor anyway against his wishes today. Was daydreaming that I could start a gofund.me for 3 more counseling sessions so that I can pay for them myself, but I'll find a way. There is always a way, right? If you can face the shame and embarrassment and devastation.

He is probably reading this. Maybe not? He promised to pay for years of counseling for me and then none. You all know how the black and white, back and forth thing is. You are offered the world, then the whole world is taken away. I have no contact with any humans that can't be controlled if he wants in one form or another. I am gonna call a nice hotline I found last week even if he is recording it. Oh well. And I am going to study up a bit so I am ready to not JADE when he gets here. I am going to focus on the parts that I can control... .me, my reactions, not letting this ruin my day. My grandma is also having surgery today, could possibly die. That helps put it in perspective. Sad to think that may be the only thing that might get him to back off the wave of anger that is gonna make landfall here in 4 hours. Would appreciate any positivity/kind words. There is not much of a solution to this, not in the short term. I worked at a women's shelter so I know the drill. I am only focused on improving. Improving and surviving. Thanks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[snowglobe]

Dear @pearlsw, I know the feeling. It's devastating, depleting and draining. During these moments I feel like there is a bullseye between my eyes and he is aiming right at it. Being a moving target isn't easy, what do you do to take your mind off of it? It sometimes helps me to turn the perspective a little bit by thinking about all the wrong things that went for him. As painful as it might seem, you are the tiny branch he is holding on to. My mantra during these times "it has to get worse before it can get better". Try to read on Seligsman theory on learnt helplessness. It's all an illusion, you have a choice, and it's your active choice to stay. Read up on this https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle and try to see where you fit into this triangle. I have slept for 4 hours today, my uBPDh was disregulted, kept on repeating f-ck off under his breath, that he didn't want to live like this, waiting for me to jump and start saving him. I, however decided that I needed a minimal amount of sleep to run on for two minors that we are both responsible for. So I just laid there pretending to be asleep and not engaging. I know I will pay for it later today. He will paint me black and white, make me miserable. I know it's coming, but I also know that just as he isn't able to quit smoking, cause this is what he grew up in, it's his method of coping, he isn't able to quit me either.

[IsThisThingOn]

Good Morning pearlsw,

I'm sorry you're dealing with the uncertainty of what his actions will be when he gets home. It's a really uncomfortable feeling. I know for me its one of the feelings I struggle with the most. Wondering what I'm in for if anything at all.

I'm happy you've decided to meet with your counselor regardless. It's important more than ever in moments like this. An outsiders perspective has a cathartic effect on us, doesnt it? I'm also happy to hear you've decided to not let this ruin your day. You're right, that is a huge thing you do have control over. Something no one can ever take away from you. It's empowering especially in moments where it feels we've been stripped of control in other areas.

It seems you've taken the time to set yourself up with some really great options as far as having a support in place. It can only go up from there. I cant really say I have much advice to give but sometimes its not about the advice we receive but rather just knowing we are being heard.

So, with that being said. You are being heard and I care (I'm sure the rest of the members on this board would say the same). I've seen your posts to others and you do have a resilience that I find inspiring. Your words are always well thought out and supportive. Your kindness is unfaltering. Stay strong, stay confident, stay focused.

We're all here for you.

Cheers, friend. Make today the best day you can.

[Radcliff]

Sorry, I never properly introduced myself, but you may have noticed me around. 

Hi pearlsw, we have certainly noticed you!  You are always there supporting others on this board.  It's nice to see you taking care of yourself and hosting your own thread!  Sometimes it's a pretty big step to ask for help, but you did it, so let yourself feel the support of this group that cares for you!

You haven't mentioned any physical safety issues, but just to be thorough, can you tell us if you feel physically safe?

You mentioned that your counselor is online, and also that you're not sure if your husband is reading or controlling your Internet communications.

I am gonna call a nice hotline I found last week even if he is recording it.

Allrighty, you said it!  Seriously, though, let's get you a real non-Internet human voice to add to your support network.  Do not be embarrassed, or think that the hotline is for "other people" who have it worse.  They will be very glad you called.  It's what they do.  They can give you a sounding board for what is and is not abuse, how to work out a safety plan that works for your isolated situation, etc.  Please check back in and let us know how the call goes!

[heartandwhole]

Hi pearlsw,

I'm so glad you posted this. It sounds like you are feeling really apprehensive about the mood your partner is going to be in when he gets home. That sitting duck feeling is nerve-wracking. I'm sorry you are going through this. 

It sounds like your partner may feel threatened by your seeing a counselor. Do you think so? That can make it difficult to continue. I encourage you, though, to keep seeing a counselor, calling hotlines, doing self-care. These are things that you need for your wellbeing. In times like these, it's best to let (trusted) people know what's going on. Shine some light on it. I know that can feel so counterintuitive, even scary, but by reaching out, here and elsewhere, you are gathering more support for yourself and that is very important. Now, you have a lot more people watching, which makes it harder to hide the reality of what you are dealing with.

Have the communication skills, like S.E.T., helped at times like this?

Let us know how things go tonight. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

 

[Radcliff]

Hi pearlsw, I had some overdue homework of my own to call our DV hotline to learn more and be proactive.  I have been putting it off but did it just now.  I was glad I did because there was one resource that surprised me and made me hopeful.  Just wanted to share that with you.  Stay well and let us know how you are doing!  

Wentworth

[walkinthepark247]

Do not be embarrassed, or think that the hotline is for "other people" who have it worse.  They will be very glad you called.  It's what they do.  They can give you a sounding board for what is and is not abuse, how to work out a safety plan that works for your isolated situation, etc. 

Blues Brother, my man! I've really appreciated your thorough explanations regarding the abuse hotlines. I am a man who has been hit, kicked, punched, body-checked, elbowed by my wife. Sometimes this happens in view of our very young children. I'm not going to take it anymore. To be honest, I've never had blood or torn clothing. That doesn't mean this is "legal" or shouldn't be reported. I am going to start documenting, documenting, documenting and calling these hotlines if this occurs again. If it is as insane as it was the last go-around, I will have no other option than to contact the police. In that instance, my wife attacked me with numerous blows in a very small bathroom. Our two-year-old was also in this small bathroom.

[Radcliff]

Walking, I've responded to you on your introductory thread so we can work on the issues you've raised:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314001.new#new

[pearlsw]

Thank you to all. I am okay. He was actually calm when he arrived and things went well for a few hours. It is so hard to know what you can and can't say. I feel so controlled at times, but I try not to dwell on it and just live life as best I can. We talked. I was probably more frustrated than him. It is so hard when the person wants to review a seven year history over and over. Although I tried to psyche myself and prepare I failed a bit on JADE-ing, was off my focus... .Thinking if I could give good explanations it would help. We all know how well that works.  Oh well, gonna keep working on that. I think my fears building up for hours made it harder to stay slow and calm like I prefer. Overall it could have gone much worse. So, a half victory that I'll take.

He is falling into a depression I think. He went to bed giving me the silent treatment, but at least had not broken up with me. Woke me up at 4 am because he could not control his thoughts, but at least gave me the chance to calm and comfort him. Did spoken visualizations for him and sang silly songs, was as comforting as I could be. Set myself aside. Now I am alone and have some time to recover.

Before I went to sleep last night was reading the bio of a political prisoner I learned about years ago. I somehow feel solidarity with others who are locked away from the world. I also read up on more details on the life of a poet I also haven't read in years. Found comfort in the stories of the pain and tragedies of their lives. Read poems from some random person on the internet who writes poems just to comfort strangers. Sigh. And that was the best I could do with that day. That and look for a few small things to remind me of the beauty of the world and not fall into total despair myself.

Thank you for the kind words and support. I regret that I will never feel safe enough to fully lay out my situation or get the kind of help I'd like. I may end up being more of a lurker here than so active. Who knows. I think I am also going to lose the counseling. I can't afford it and if he pays for it he will try to control it. He doesn't get it. Yes, it is a threat to him. I have insurance but can't afford to use it, deductibles too high and in a foreign land. Hard to feel understood anywhere I turn. The walls around me are high, and the it will take time to build a ladder that is taller than the walls. All I know is that for all the control he may attempt I will fly free in my thoughts, even if I am only allowed to do that when I am alone. Wish I had a better poker face because he can even see these small escapes and tries to control those too.

Sorry to hear about the pain of others here. To be clear, I am not being physically abused. I have been threatened in various ways at times, but I am physically safe. I hope that walkinthepark can find some information from the family here that helps. Sorry if I am not the best thread hostess. I am much more comfortable comforting others. Oops! Must run now... .take care all! Wishing you peace in your lives today!

[Notwendy]

Hi pearlsw,

I am sorry that you feel so isolated. That is a function of his insecurity- the isolation and control so that you don't leave him. I hope that you are able to maintain contact with the outside world and counseling. Otherwise, your own sense of reality can feel altered.

The fact that you are reaching out here and to a counselor is a sign of your own wish to hold on to yourself. I can see how you are invested in your relationship- yet you can hold on to yourself in or out of one. It is a challenge for you. I can see how afraid you are of his anger, but I hope you can keep in mind that under this anger is a fear you will leave him if you do get support.

Your DV center and a hotline may have information about affordable counseling. I know of a local place in my region that provides it on a sliding scale. I don't know if this exists where you are- but you can look into this.

Another resource that is of no charge is 12 step groups. I was surprised when a MC recommended them to me. I thought they were for families where alcohol is an issue, and alcohol is not an issue in my relationship. However, the pattern BPD + co-dependent partner is similar and so the program has been effective for me. The tendency for people to isolate themselves or be isolated is also part of that pattern and the group meetings and work with a sponsor help with the feeling of isolation. I know it may be a challenge for you to get to them. Some places have online or phone meetings and this may be a possibility for you and the finances are not a barrier to attending.

[heartandwhole]

Hi pearlsw,

I'm very glad to hear that you are okay. I'm sorry that you feel so isolated and trapped, though. That is so difficult to deal with. I hope you will try to continue to post your own threads. There are a lot of people out here who care about you and would like to support you. 

I wanted to bring another resource to your attention. Something you can do privately, which can help you assess your situation and see angles that you may not have noticed before:

MOSAIC Threat Assessment

Other members who have taken the test have said that it really opened their eyes.

heartandwhole

[pearlsw]

Hi heartandwhole, Thank you so much for the support and kindness! What makes my situation tricky is I am in a foreign country. (None of this would have happened/be happening to me in my home country.) They speak some English here, but it's not one of the native languages. I don't know a single native speaker of English in this country so there is no one I can talk to with full speed or comprehension of my emotions/needs. I am sure I could find some such people, in the city, but it is extremely expensive to use public transportation here. Unless I pay for it myself I could not assert any normal sense of control over this aspect of my life.

Last year I tried once to run to the police. It was a fiasco. I could not think well enough as the minutes were ticking by (my time is all tracked) of what to even say or how to say it in the other language. What did I want them to do? I didn't know, and I ultimately realized I didn't want them to make more problems for me so I walked away, crying, dead end. I also found out that if I ever went to a women's shelter they would send him the bill and it would be massive ($5,000 for a week) so that also came off the list. Unless I want to sit outside there is nowhere to flee to and he could take my key/lock me out and I would be stuck out there.

I realized last year, after all my brainstorming, I am entirely on my own here and that all that could save me was my ability to stay calm, hope for the best, and make the best home life I can. There is nowhere outside I can run to.  Even a few hours of relief for me during a crisis would make him lose his mind b/c of his fear of abandonment. So I stay in and face whatever comes my way and use tools I've found here to help keep things more manageable.

I used to answer hotline calls myself so I am not unfamiliar with crisis. Ironically, I helped "save" others from DV situations and homelessness - the latter being a big fear of mine after all it cost me to move here and watching my savings dwindle and having nothing going into retirement while trying to make this life transition, etc. etc. I can't imagine where I would go again if I ever permanently return to my home country. I have moved so much I have no sense of home anywhere in the world or any particular reason to go anywhere. That scares me too. So, I live the life I have in front of me and make the best of it - that's why I'm pretty much only on the "Improving" board. I fiercely try to be positive with the only thing I have in life - me.

I am now in a small village outside of a bigger city. It is extremely expensive here to do anything. You wouldn't even want to buy a hamburger or take a bus ride here, much less pay for counseling. I am having trouble affording online counseling on my own (but I may have found a way today, we'll see.) and while I wish I could do it to just to get a few things off my chest the price of it causing my husband to be upset and engage in controlling behavior makes me want to not even bother at this time. Not never, but not now. It is a luxury and not a necessity for me. Unless I can pay for it and control it on my own it only makes me feel abused with him interfering in it. In all actuality, I would be happier to talk to a friend instead, but I've lost most of them while being overseas, and only others who get what BPD is about are easy to talk to - they get it. Luckily I am a bit of an introvert and have a good sense of humor and still have good self-esteem so I am surviving this absurd/strange life I find myself leading.

I am an underemployed older immigrant- barely work a few hours a week and my skills and career prospects are fading. My husband is a software engineer and can hack into my computer and controls the phone system.  He can cut off my access to either at any time he chooses. This has led me to be fearful and insecure in contacting anyone for support. Everything I see, even this, can potentially been seen by him so even discussing options... .is like leaving a note out on the table with my inner thoughts - which constitutes a danger to me. (Stop and think that through for a moment.) I have no friends or any chance to make them here for now. I hope if I can ever find full-time work that could change. It is hard because I was never with a jealous/controlling person and wrote off things he was doing early on as... .stressors related to his ex wife/divorce that would go away in time. Later I suspected mental illness, but was not able to narrow it down till this summer to BPD traits. I just thought he was "evil and horrible" at times and then at others very in love. I had no idea what this all was. It was mentally overwhelming and totally confusing. I've been traumatized by the sheer number of breakups. Breakups were always hard on me, but this amount is ridiculous.

Basically, I am living in a small shell of my former life/self. Some days my life is good, don't get me wrong, I set this all aside and am positive and moving forward with glimmers of hope. Other days the overwhelming nature of my isolation, disintegrating job prospects, lack of resources and options, and fears for my future sink in and swallow me up.  At times I feel hopeless, and work hard not to slip into a depressed state. I went too far down this life path to easily get off it and return to what my life was like before. If it comes to that I hope I have the energy and strength to fight my way back to a normal life. I am afraid I'd fall apart completely and perhaps give up on life entirely. I am completely caught between a rock and a hard place. Until then I just try to improve what I have/can control, which is my positive attitude in the face of an overwhelming situation. I want this life, and I want it to work, but I only have control over my part of it.

I was reading last night about an Italian political prisoner who lost his teeth two years after his twenty year confinement began. I thought, well at least I still have my teeth! He would write letters to his loved ones, and I thought, at least he could do that. Sure, the guards read it all but he could at least express himself. In time his family didn't write him so much anymore. He could not understand why and they would not say. He wondered if they had run out of things to say to him as the contact faded over the years and he craved for every detail they would share with him, desperately wanted to hold onto his love and former life with them. Just having the time to read about him, spend time with this historical actor in my mind, gave me some momentary relief. Life is full of obstacles and disappointments and sometimes you even lose your teeth, but if you can have an open/loving heart towards others you still have something. I count my small blessings and am very grateful for my teeth.  Could be worse! Thanks for the hugs everyone! So kind.

[Radcliff]

pearlsw, thanks for sharing all of these details of your situation.  That helps us so much to understand where you are coming from.  At times the isolation must be daunting. 

Sorry, I'm typing on my phone and may not have solo computer time to give you a longer reply today.

You have said that the language issue is a barrier to getting help and connecting with people.  I know that depending on where you live, and especially in a small town, the local dialect may be pretty different from one of the base European languages.  Can you paint us a picture about any efforts you've made and your progress and any obstacles you've faced in learning the base language or the local dialect? 

[pearlsw]

Next day. Same stress. He came home again feeling upset. Various other problems are piling up. Ex-wife issues, traffic violations (which are extremely serious/expensive here)... .lots of economic pressures. Guess who is always the first to be thrown overboard when the seas get rough? me! Well, not quite. I steered him out of another near breakup. I wonder when I will hit the 200 mark with the number of these. My heart goes out to those of you have 20 or more years worth of these!

Feeling lucky I decided I wanted to push back on this control issue a bit. I nearly turned white as a ghost earlier. He always tosses accusations, wanted to know how I know my grandma lived/is doing better, did I know via phone or email. I am scared because I don't like him having the contact info of my relatives given his threats at times, but... .I turned pale thinking he was reading all my thoughts on here... .and was going to start quoting them to me... .

Anyway, I somehow made a convincing case, at least in principle, that controlling me this way is not the best approach to keeping me if that is his desire. He wants me. (When not to breaking up with me.) It all ended well with him thanking me for comforting him when he could not sleep last night, and for comforting him again now. Lots and lots of emotional care-taking. He actually thanked me for my explanations of his abandonment issues. He begged my forgiveness for our hard times, and for saving our relationship so many times, and put me back up on the pedestal. He always says "what would I do without you?" He likes my pep talks. Makes me feel like I could take a losing team to a championship season.

I going to work on it slowly. I may never be able to make a change, but I am going to try to find a way to cut down on this controlling stuff. At least I will know I tried. I am teaching him about mindfulness too and giving him easy visualizations to remember to put into his head when he feels he is losing control of his thoughts. I imagine it could take months, years, have lots of setbacks, but I am not giving up. And ultimately he loses more than I do over it.

Hey blues bro. I speak 4 languages to one degree or another, and have studied 3 others. I teach English too. All that and still no one to talk to! 

Sorry I can't get to all the details, helpful stuff everyone says, very fast. It is all so wonderful and heartfelt and means a lot to me. I have limited typing time. He hears it, he freaks, but yes. What Notwendy said is so true! "I hope you can keep in mind that under this anger is a fear you will leave him if you do get support. "