How Do I Deal with Being Blamed for All of the Problems?

[LionHeart2929]

Hello , So I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years. We share one child (3 years). I have 2 from a previous marriage (5 and 6) half of the time and have a good relationship with there mother. My girlfriend also has a 5 year old that I have played the role of only father figure to.

The beginning of our relationship was rocky. She would get mad and blow and my only responce was to blow back in defense knowing that what she was saying was off and simply not quite right with what was going on. After leaving twice for a few months each time we got counselling. She was diagnosed with BPD and proceeded with classes and therapy.
I moved back following that with a new mindset and it has been a year since than and I have looked at everything from a whole new standpoint.

I no longer feel as if it is her fault or that she doesnt love me. I know that the good times are what reflect her actual personality and goals. I dont feel offended and no longer argue back or attack in any way.  The problem im having is when these blow ups happen (still a couple times a week at least) it is all blamed on me.

For example, today I woke up and got all 4 kids fed and dressed for the day as well as caught uo on the days housework. I sent the first 2 kids to there bus (her son goes to a closer school and we walk him), and had everything done and rdy for her to bring her son to school and have nothing else to do.  
I set my alarm for 6am and she sets hers at 7 since her son is the last to need to leave. At 7:15 she storms downstair ranting about how I didnt make sure she got up and now theres to much to do and not enough time. I ensured her everything was done and he was all ready. Her response was "___ Off". Her son says good morning mommy and her responce is "yea I can see what kind of day this is going to be".
Anyways by the end of this and every other one of these fights she runs loops around me and says she didnt do it, she did nothing wrong. And me panicing or stuttering because im worried about upsetting her or telling her to be careful or that shes getting a bit to vicous for the kids is abusive in itself. she just says no she didnt, that I do the same, or that im overreacting. Every fight changes to "im only mad because you treat me like im going to explode."

90% of the time she is the most amazing person I have ever met. A loving mother, an amazing lover and a person that would give her last bit of food to feed the hungry. The only way to stop these episodes is to say it was all my fault and im sorry. In that case she cries and says she doesnt now how long she can handle someone making her feel like a monster (showing signs of being scared shes gonna blow)
I dont want to leave I want to fix it. Even if I did I have spent the past 2 years trying to keep everything cool and have lost connections to friends and most family, and have not worked in the past 2 years. (I have a diploma and have workedall my life prior to this.)  if i were now to leave I would lose the capabilities to continue taking my other 2 children (not hers) for living and financial shortages. Also if I were ever to leave what about our son. With that said, again im not looking to leave, just so confused.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[once removed]

hi LionHeart2929 and

sometimes people wake up on the wrong side of the bed. and when someone with BPD traits does, they can be like an irritated ball of emotion spoiling for a fight. its anxiety inducing for the other party (you) because you can see it coming and building.

it sounds like you were pretty good about anticipating this, defusing, and not escalating.

Anyways by the end of this and every other one of these fights she runs loops around me and says she didnt do it, she did nothing wrong. And me panicing or stuttering because im worried about upsetting her or telling her to be careful or that shes getting a bit to vicous for the kids is abusive in itself. she just says no she didnt, that I do the same, or that im overreacting. Every fight changes to "im only mad because you treat me like im going to explode."

what i am confused by is what led to this. it went from her blowing off steam where you were mostly giving her a wide berth to an argument. who initiated that conversation and how did it play out?

The only way to stop these episodes is to say it was all my fault and im sorry.

i would not necessarily focusing on stopping each episode, and im not sure that you can. you can change your response, you can limit your engagement, you have a lot of options. arguing or fighting (or even showing love) with someone who is emotionally dysregulated can escalate things. dont try to put out every fire; you cant. let some of them burn themselves out and clean it up later when everyone is back to baseline.

[Mutt]

LionHeart2929, 



I'd like to echo once removed about changing our responses, I gave you a link on another post on JADE and validation skills, I'd like to add a little bit more about that, a pwBPD will bait, it's the nature of the disorder, no JADE'ing is a good option but also changing the tempo, take the dog for a walk, run out for an errand to get yourself out of there, you don't have stand there and take it.

A behavior with a pwBPD is projection, a pwBPD will blame the world for their problems and project or cast it off on others, it's a defense mechanism that protects the ego from anxiety and stress, read as much as you can about the disorder, you don;t have to become an expert, you just need the basics, there's a reason why she acts the way that she does and we tend to take it personally, the behaviors are directed at us, the people closest to a pwBPD, you can learn to become indifferent to the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection