Hitting a Brick Wall 100x over: How did you all cope with leaving your exBPD?

[Angel3287]

Hi Everyone,

Semi-new to the "family" - this is my first post but I've been reading various threads now for the past few weeks prior and after my breakup with my exBPDbf. Our relationship was complicated, as all of these tend to be, and I will save the full details of our relationship for another thread/time.

My question for you all today is:

How do you cope with knowing the person you are/were with and loved is on a continuous path of self-destruction? I was burned in many ways in my relationship but have moved into a place of greater awareness and have found myself in place of compassion (miraculously) for his suffering. I am conflicted by the fact that he has acknowledged his issues but refuses to seek treatment again as he doesn't believe it will help him anymore. He is in constant suffering, which he has revealed and more during our lengthy heart to heart discussions, but ultimately made it impossible for me to stay due to his compulsive/pathological lying, "secret" alcohol/cocaine/sex or love addiction, and ultimately - his infidelity.

I am conflicted in maintaining No Contact knowing that he suffers so and that, on some level, is looking to heal but in all the wrong ways. How to cope?

[Mutt]

Hi Angel3287

How do you cope with knowing the person you are/were with and loved is on a continuous path of self-destruction?

I think that this question could be answered differently at different stages of detachment, if it's weeks after the breakup, it's really tough.

I'm just using my experience as an example, results may vary, I have a feeling that she'll hit rock bottom one day but I can't tell when that's going to happen, it's going to happen when it happens. In order for her to continue on with her dysfunctional behaviours she needs enablers, if i remove myself from the network of enablers than she may get helper sooner rather than later.

I can't fix BPD, my love was not above the disorder although I thought that the harder and longer I tried that she may change, it doesn't work that way. BPD is a serious mental illness she needs the help of professionals.  I let go and let god. Talking about how you feel with members that have gone through similar is going to help you cope.

[Angel3287]

Hi Angel3287



I think that this question could be answered differently at different stages of detachment, if it's weeks after the breakup, it's really tough.

I'm just using my experience as an example, results may vary, I have a feeling that she'll hit rock bottom one day but I can't tell when that's going to happen, it's going to happen when it happens. In order for her to continue on with her dysfunctional behaviours she needs enablers, if i remove myself from the network of enablers than she may get helper sooner rather than later.

I can't fix BPD, my love was not above the disorder although I thought that the harder and longer I tried that she may change, it doesn't work that way. BPD is a serious mental illness she needs the help of professionals.  I let go and let god. Talking about how you feel with members that have gone through similar is going to help you cope.

Thanks, Mutt!

I totally agree with what you've shared and do understand that I am not above the disorder, although, there were many times I tried to be.

I think there is residual guilt over knowing so much and us seemingly being able to manage the disorder when we were together (we lived 2.5 hours apart, so we facetimed/called/texted A LOT when we weren't physically together), but everything seemed to hit the fan the second I walked out the door. I know it's both true and not but there is a sense of watching someone to continue to drown when they are surrounded by lifesavers.

The relationship ultimately ended when I expressed that I had accepted him and that he battles BPD/C-PTSD, but that I needed us to do the self-work (therapy etc.) in order to move forward with our relationship. This is all after I uncovered I was cheated on while he was high on coke and drunk, also while on his combo of meds mind you (!), which I did address in our "farewell". His response was that that was who he is and that I would need to accept him for who he was in order for us to be together, which obviously was not an option. He then baited me with targeted humor, and I quote:

"I'm feeling awful - are you a with or a warlock that cast a spell on me? Nausea ensues. Just being silly, of course."

This took place after a few days of very intense messaging (he wouldn't dare call or facetime me out of guilt), so this did trigger me and I responded by saying that I am not responsible for his discomfort and that his feelings of sickness are a result of his behavior.

He then replied "You're being much too serious for me. It was just a joke. I have no interest in seeing you at "x" cafe or any time soon for that matter. Be well." I was immediately removed from social media the next day.

Nice, right?

[Mutt]

He then replied "You're being much too serious for me. It was just a joke. I have no interest in seeing you at "x" cafe or any time soon for that matter. Be well." I was immediately removed from social media the next day.

Nice, right?

Wow.

Is this the first time you two broke up?

[Angel3287]

Wow.

Is this the first time you two broke up?

I'd say it's the second time, probably. Hard to say.

About a month before that, I was driving out to his for the weekend and we had an episode of "push-pull". The typical 2.5 hour drive ended up being nearly 5 hours because of the crazy Friday summer traffic to the beach and some accidents along the way. I kept him in touch along the way and apologized for being late but stated that there was nothing I could do because of the traffic.

About 45 minutes from his place, he called me and told me that he frustrated by my being late and that he had told me that traffic would be crazy if I left after 12. Did I leave after 12? Yes, because I had work to do in the morning and we hadn't made any plans that were time sensitive, so I just thought I'd get there as soon as possible and keep him informed so he could do his thing.

Anyway, I became furious with him because the tone was very patronizing and very insensitive to the fact that I was the one sitting in traffic for 5 hours+ on my way to see him. Did he do a lot to prepare for the visit? Yes, he did and I was very much reminded of what he had prepared for me that weekend at least twice by him after. So, I basically gave him the "how dare you... .blah blah blah", then mutual silence and we said "see you soon" and hung up.

THEN, when I was 15 minutes away (finally), I got a text saying "If I were to be honest with my feelings, I don't really want to see you right now.". Now THAT made me flip the F*** out! It was hour 6 of my trip out already, I was exhausted AND with a special gift in tow for him. Being the hothead that I am, I drove to his house and left my gift - a journal with affirmations I had written for him and gratitudes, which I hoped would be something for him to use in difficult times to help him analyze and regulate his emotions/thoughts - and drove off immediately.

He then blew up my phone with texts and calls with everything but the one thing I, and all of us needed to hear in that moment - "I'm sorry". He did say "you know that I don't want you to leave and please come back", but before that stated "have a nice summer". That drive home, I was a wreck. I cried, I hit a car at a gas station, and was besides myself over the controlling, emotionally abusive behavior.

I didn't reply to anything and then, after a week or so, I reentered it to give him another chance. We discussed the incident, he apologized and we moved on... .Now I wonder if the apology was just to suck me back in, but in the long run, things did not end well. Obviously.

[Mutt]

That sounds like a really bad road trip. I can with the phone blowing up with texts and calls after my ex pushed.

Can you see how different the contrast is from your original post and this post? There's a lot of sadness in your OP and a lot of frustration in post #4. That's BPD it's an emotional roller coaster, if you want to get off the roller coaster, I suggest to take a look at the lessons on the side of the board   You can detach.

[Angel3287]

Thanks, Mutt.

Yes, a roller coaster would be a mild way of putting it. I've gone through the lessons (thanks!) and am utilizing a codependency 12 step program that also seems helpful. Besides that, I've taken up CrossFit because I thought to substitute something bad insane with good insane would be helpful... .and it is!

Each day is different but we move forward hoping that our lives will rebuild themselves with time and effort.