I'm not allowed to express any displeasure

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Told husband I was lonely tonight; HUGE MISTAKE. He works a lot, but he chooses to spend his day pursuing his own interest, then goes into work in the late afternoon. You would think that his absence would make me happy, but eventually the loneliness becomes too much. 
I am not allowed to express any negative feelings about ANYTHING. I recognize that this is not healthy, but I have no other options.
I am an extremely private person and have never told anyone about what goes on "behind closed doors", and never will. It would be so embarrassing to tell someone the sick, bull___ he says to me.
So, I'll do my best to bury my feelings and pray that tomorrow is better.

[Happy outside]

Told husband I was lonely tonight; HUGE MISTAKE. He works a lot, but he chooses to spend his day pursuing his own interest, then goes into work in the late afternoon. You would think that his absence would make me happy, but eventually the loneliness becomes too much. 
I am not allowed to express any negative feelings about ANYTHING. I recognize that this is not healthy, but I have no other options.
I am an extremely private person and have never told anyone about what goes on "behind closed doors", and never will. It would be so embarrassing to tell someone the sick, bull___ he says to me.
So, I'll do my best to bury my feelings and pray that tomorrow is better.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I remember those days with my ex. It was never be anything but be supportive and happy for him. Its ok to have meds of your own. You are worthy and deserving of a happy fulfilling life.

Would you consider speaking to a counsellor? You could tell them what goes on without airing laundry so to speak. I found the support very helpful.

Meanwhile post here and tell us. We get it.

Hugs

[Happy outside]

I've tried counseling but it's pointless. Husband makes me write a list of things I need to discuss/work on re:myself. When I get home, he wants to know what was discussed and what tools I'm going to implement to change myself. Then all hell breaks loose, cuz I can't show him what tools I'm going to use... .

[hope2727]

Ya thats pretty discouraging. But the counselling is really for you not him. Its a safe place for you to vent, explore ideas, learn, grow, find some peace and support. Maybe a different counsellor and set a boundary about it not being about him and you not sharing the contents of the sessions. Sounds radical I know but boundaries have to start somewhere.

[Notwendy]

I have had a similar experience with my H- who also worked long hours and when he was home- pursued his hobbies. If I expressed any sense of unhappiness about the situation, or my unhappiness about anything else, the response was not what I hoped for- it was hostile or invalidating.

Your H has his own stuff to deal with. I was not really aware of my H's issues as he kept them to himself and didn't express his feelings to me. I also learned later that his own upbringing was not validating or supportive. If he was unhappy as a child, he was met with the same response he had for me.

My H is who he is and expecting him to change was not making me happier. Since I decided to stay in the marriage- the positives of the relationship were far more than the negative, I decided that I had to meet my own needs in my own way.

Working a lot on co-dependency, my needs in a relationship actually changed. I realized that I could be by myself and be OK with it. That didn't mean I didn't want company or emotional intimacy, but that my need level for it was different. I think this is a good step. When we express our feelings to someone expecting them to soothe us, it may be expecting something they can't give us. When we learn that we can take care of our own feelings and to seek help if we need it ( from a counselor) the need changes.

It is important to consider the drama triangle here. When you approach your H feeling hurt by his absence- you take on victim position. This can be triggering to him. When you take silent action to take care of yourself- you are not in victim position.

Values are important here. If fidelity in marriage is important to you ( as it was to me), there had to be some strict boundaries to getting your needs met. I did discuss my marriage but only with a therapist- not to friends and certainly not to any available male. I do have a higher social need than my H and this is fulfilled through joining some groups and doing things with some female friends. I also attend 12 step co-dependency groups and this gives me a place to discuss feelings with the group and a sponsor.

Yes, it would have been ideal to have a closer relationship with my H, but he isn't a get close guy. I realized too that our ideas of "close" are different. I am actually the closest person to him, he just doesn't get as close to people as I would like to. Some of my ideas of being close were my own poor boundaries and he may have been resisting what he felt was enmeshment. My H has strong personal boundaries and I had to learn to stop pushing against them. Once i accepted he needed his space, he seemed more relaxed at home.

My doing my own thing doesn't make him comfortable. I found I was self isolating because of this. It was like he wanted me home with him but he was OK with doing his own thing and ignoring me when I was home. When I started doing things, he protested, but I just stuck to them. One thing he did fear was that I would meet someone else I liked better than him but I have not cheated and have no wish to. Standing firm in my own values has helped in that situation.

Last I want to mention the "what if". ( that didn't happen). I knew I had poor boundaries and co-dependent tendencies. Were I to seek out another person to meet my loneliness needs, I would bet money on what situation I would create for myself- a giant mess and another dysfunctional person. It made so much more sense to work on my relationship with me.

[Cat Familiar]

I hear that "allowed" word and I wonder how that came to be. My husband occasionally says that and I think, "Who made me in charge of you?"

So how did you hand over the controls of your life to your husband. And do you want to take them back?

Now, I don't know if you're in a physically abusive relationship. I was with my first husband so I understand it may not be as easy as I make it sound to regain your own autonomy.

When we express our feelings to someone expecting them to soothe us, it may be expecting something they can't give us. When we learn that we can take care of our own feelings and to seek help if we need it ( from a counselor) the need changes.

My current husband is a black and white thinker, so if I express dissatisfaction with something he might very well go down the trail of "You don't appreciate anything I do for you," "Nothing is good enough for you," "You criticize everything I do," or some variation on that theme. When the reality is that I was merely asking him to wipe up the sticky stuff he left on the kitchen counter or that I was tired of him leaving his wet laundry in the washer for three days.

It's really unpleasant when there's no room to speak with our spouse in ways that we could if they were a normal person. But that is often the reality of being in a relationship with a person who has BPD.

I've learned not to say anything that in any way can be taken as a "criticism" and that often leaves me without words. It's truly frustrating as hell sometimes, but what I've gained is less conflict and being able to read his moods better. Sometimes I can even express those problematic thoughts and actually have him hear them and be more open and receptive. Sometimes.

But I've realized that any emotional support, empathy, understanding, compassion that I might be seeking is likely to be found elsewhere, with some of my female friends. Heck, even some male acquaintances, like my horse shoer or handyman are much more emotionally intelligent and as long as it's not something confidential that wouldn't be appropriate to share, are much better listeners.

It was really disappointing to come to the awareness that my husband would never be the open, receptive friend that I had hoped (and initially thought) him to be. But, there are still a lot of positives in my relationship. I just have to be creative about getting some of my emotional needs met elsewhere.

[Happy outside]

I hear that "allowed" word and I wonder how that came to be. My husband occasionally says that and I think, "Who made me in charge of you?"
It's been drilled into my head that I'm a horrible person and that being submissive to him is what I need to do to be a better person.

So how did you hand over the controls of your life to your husband. And do you want to take them back?
It's easier to tell him what he wants to hear, then stand up for myself.

Now, I don't know if you're in a physically abusive relationship. I was with my first husband so I understand it may not be as easy as I make it sound to regain your own autonomy.
He's never laid a hand on me, but sometimes I think that at least that would be more understandable?  By no means am I making light of physical abuse!

When we express our feelings to someone expecting them to soothe us, it may be expecting something they can't give us. When we learn that we can take care of our own feelings and to seek help if we need it ( from a counselor) the need changes.

My current husband is a black and white thinker, so if I express dissatisfaction with something he might very well go down the trail of "You don't appreciate anything I do for you," "Nothing is good enough for you," "You criticize everything I do," or some variation on that theme. When the reality is that I was merely asking him to wipe up the sticky stuff he left on the kitchen counter or that I was tired of him leaving his wet laundry in the washer for three days.

It's really unpleasant when there's no room to speak with our spouse in ways that we could if they were a normal person. But that is often the reality of being in a relationship with a person who has BPD.

I've learned not to say anything that in any way can be taken as a "criticism" and that often leaves me without words. It's truly frustrating as hell sometimes, but what I've gained is less conflict and being able to read his moods better. Sometimes I can even express those problematic thoughts and actually have him hear them and be more open and receptive. Sometimes.

But I've realized that any emotional support, empathy, understanding, compassion that I might be seeking is likely to be found elsewhere, with some of my female friends. Heck, even some male acquaintances, like my horse shoer or handyman are much more emotionally intelligent and as long as it's not something confidential that wouldn't be appropriate to share, are much better listeners.

I don't want to tell ANYONE what is going on. It's too embarrassing and no one would believe that I stay and tolerate his emotional abuse. I used to be very strong willed person, but slowly that part of me is dying.

It was really disappointing to come to the awareness that my husband would never be the open, receptive friend that I had hoped (and initially thought) him to be. But, there are still a lot of positives in my relationship. I just have to be creative about getting some of my emotional needs met elsewhere.

[Notwendy]

I like that term " who made me in charge of you" when I hear these things.

I probably sound like I am obsessed with the drama triangle, but avoiding victim position is something our MC worked on with me and it helped change my perspective.

The drama triangle seems innate to dysfunctional relationships. It is the main pattern in my FOO and the model for how I was taught to relate. I had to learn to relate in a different way.

So forgive me if I point the mirror at anyone- because I know I had to have it pointed at me to see it.

"I'm not allowed" "You are hurting me" or any kind of speech like this is taking victim position. It may be true- I am not saying it isn't but taking victim position is triggering and gets the drama triangle going.

The reality is that, we are allowed to say what we want. It's the consequences of doing that that make us fearful. Yet, it is our fear. On the other side is our SO's behavior but that is their part. We have to make choices about ours.

If I am concerned about something to the point I need to say something, I expect there will be a reaction to it. Again, it is important to know that this reaction doesn't involve physical violence- don't put yourself in danger. I had to stop fearing people being angry at me. If my BPD mother was angry at me, it was scary as a child. I had to not fear angry people.

I also had to change the way I related to avoid victim, persecutor, or rescuer position. It is likely your H grew up with this triangle too and has his own automated response to that. Looking at my H's family dynamics, they have their own version of this too. If someone feels criticized, they will engage in a verbal war to defend ( rescue) themselves. ( people can play these roles with themselves). In the moment, my H can use hurtful things he can say to win- which he did because it was so easy to hurt my feelings. I had to not take this personally.

However, I also had to change my approach too. No more victim speech " you hurt me". Just direct " I don't like this" if I need to say it and even no words at all, just action. Instead of continuing an argument-circular speech- just stopping the conversation with " I need to take a break to compose myself" and doing that.